Did Raw Suck This Week? 2/2/15

Greetings ladies and gentlemen! Last week God showed us all how much he hated the end of the Royal Rumble by cancelling Raw. He's letting it go this week, but I still don't think he's happy about it. He's been sore at McMahon ever since Vince buried him in their feud. It's a whole thing now. It's probably going to take Triple H to get God to be in the Hall of fame at this point. 

We open with a replay of the Royal Rumble of DOOM that killed the internet, with a voice over of Triple H talking about the supposed controversy around the Rumble. His announcement will shake us to our core I guess. He's assuming we care way more than we do. Opening music, and it looks like we're starting with Triple H and his filthy, New England Patriots loving wife. The roster is gathered backstage to watch, because they're failures who can't grab brass rings, so they're not allowed out front.

They start talking about the Superbowl for some reason, which gets heel heat, but they don't need cheap heat at this point. They're trying to bend it back around to relate to the controversy of the Royal Rumble. Stephanie says that the Patriots are the champions because that's what's best for business. I'm not sure that's how football works Steph. You know not all sports are predetermined, right? They try to get meta and it doesn't work at all. Apparently they've been reading social media, and understand that we're outraged. They then replay the end of the match. I guess Triple H thinks the controversy is the Rock coming out. Trips then spend five minutes putting over a retired wrestler before saying he had no business getting involved. Triple H takes the blame, because he let Sting get away with the same thing. Oh fuck, his announcement is going to be a match with him and Sting, isn't it? I hate life.

Yup. He's calling Sting out at Fast Lane. I wish this wasn't true, but it is. I hate wrestling now. The crowd chants that they want Sting, as if they hadn't seen the last four years of TNA. They pimp the Network here, which is absolutely stupid. It's making it so that advertising the network is a heel move. Only in wrestling can trying to better your business be seen as evil. Trips brings us back to the point, and his wife asks what if the Rock didn't come out. Who cares? Can we stop reliving the Rumble please? It's making me nautious. Stephanie is interrupted by Roman's music, and this crowd doesn't seem to hate him as much as they're supposed to. Stupid marks! We hate Roman now because... because... something about him winning a predetermined match he was told to win. Get with the program!

Roman looks pissed and stands face to face with Triple H. He's mad that Triple H is taking his win away. Him and Trips get in each others faces while Stephanie tries to separate them. It seems here like she's scared for her husband, which is the best thing I've seen her do in years. She goes over the legacy of Roman's family, telling him she understands. She says the family he loves is the reason he doesn't deserve to main event Wrestlemania. We are then treated to Daniel Bryan, which is odd but I'll allow it. Daniel Bryan with his beard and his hair pulled back looks like every stoner high school art teacher ever.

Bryan says the real controversy is Triple H stripping him of the championship, and never giving him a rematch. Bryan officially demands his shot at the title. Triple H tells Daniel Bryan that he had no choice but to strip him of the title. He says Bryan does deserve a rematch, and they would have given it to him, but he was cocky and threw himself into the rumble. Another interruption and this time it's Seth Rollins, who gets some nice heat from the crowd. WWE must have been reading my columns because they cut to commercial to give us a break from this segment, which really could have taken ten minutes.

Commercial note: The Spongebob movie looks like an evil abomination unto God. This is coming from someone who liked Spongebob back in the day, that movie looks like it is going to be atrocious.

 Back from break, and Rollins says this is getting ridiculous. I agree. Why in the hell is this opening segment going over twenty minutes? Seth says Brock would eat Daniel Bryan alive. He then says Roman wouldn't have won the Rumble if not for the Rock, so he doesn't deserve it either. It's clear that Seth is the one who deserves this shot. Seriously, this could have been a ten minute segment. Seth reminds us that he kicked the shit out of Lesnar, and even if this segment is long and dragging, Seth Rollins is awesome.

Triple H cuts in and says he had an another announcement to make. He says tonight Bryan will take on Seth Rollins. The winner faces Roman Reigns for a shot at the title at Wrestlemania. Roman isn't interested at first, but everyone talks needlessly for a little longer. Roman eventually accepts, and it looks like the crowd is at least sort of back on his side. This is definitely a better way to shove Bryan back into the title match than last year's ham handed fiasco. The segment was fifteen minutes too long, and I still don't like that they're giving in, but I'll rant about that later. Big Show comes down to the ring to fight Roman Reigns, and we go to commercial.

The match between Show and Roman is mediocre, but it doesn't last long. It does do a good job of making Reigns look strong though. It ends when Big Show choke slams Roman Reigns for the pin after some interference from Rollins. We get a backstage shot of Trip and Stephanie gloating about how easy the whole thing was. This is stupid as hell. Is the point of Raw now to get Triple H and his husband over? The plan is for Seth to win it all I guess. They plug Triple H's appearance on Stone Cold's podcast before a commercial.

Back from break and Curtis Axel comes out with a mic. He says he was never eliminated from the Rumble, which is true. He says he would have won if not for being sucker punched, which isn't true at all. Axel says he wants justice like he just decided to become Batman. He points at the Wrestlemania sign to zero reaction. Dean Ambrose comes out, and he doesn't look too happy. We don't get any explanation. He just attacks Curtis Axel, which is fine by me. He throws him over the top rope, and says that now he's eliminated. Dean then says he has a demand of his own. He wants and intercontinental title shot. Curtis Axel then attacks him. Dean easily takes the upperhand and hits him with Dirty Deeds before his music plays.

We get a shot of the announcer's table, and Michael Cole tells us about WWE honoring black history month, which is an absolute joke to me. Anyone at all remember Cryme Tyme? Or maybe how we keep advertising an old segment where our top face stable came out in black face? Anyway, I guess for black history month they're honoring Ernie Ladd. What a racial trailblazer you are Vince. Now how about you give a black member of your roster a legitimate push? No? Ok, well I figured I would try.

Back from break and the Ascension are in the ring already, as are their opponents, Gold and Stardust. The match is well paced and fun, but of course JBL spends the match burying the Ascension. At least Booker actually steps in to defend them this time... kind of. The match ends quickly when they hit the Fall of Man. After the match, Stardust berates Goldust for losing, and walks to the back alone.We get a preview of a welcome back for Rowan, Ziggler and Ryback before we cut to another commercial. At this point some of the commercial breaks have been longer than some segments.

Commercial note: The Danny Trejo commercial for Snickers is one of the best things I have seen on TV in forever.

Back from break and Stardust is pacing backstage. Goldust runs up to him and can't get his attention so he calls him Cody. Stardust warns him never to do that again and leaves. Back to ringside, and Dr. John Cena is out to diagnose us all with a serious lack of thuganomics. Cena looks like he has a nasty case of pink eye. Never let the hooker sit on your face John. Never. Cena gets himself a cheap pop before plugging Triple H's Stone Cold podcast appearance. Once he's done with that, he says that he takes offense to Triple H saying John Cena is the past last week on Smackdown. He says Triple H has rebranded NXT and filled it wiht guys who could come up and take Cena's spot. He says Triple H's WWE is a WWE without John Cena... well then I love Triple H.

John says Triple H is afraid to fire him. He also says Triple H doesn't care about us. He then goes over all the obstacles put in his path in the last year, which honestly pales in comparison to the obstacles that are usually thrown in his path in a given year. Cena says he'll never give up because he loves history making moments like when Sting came out two weeks ago. Show us the clip Johnny!

Cena thanks Sting before welcoming Rowan Ryback and Ziggler back to the WWE. They come down to the ring, and Cena says these men are proof he can beat the Authority. He also says at Fast Lane he will prove Rusev can be beat. Stephanie interrupts from the Titantron, and then Ziggler interrupts her. He asks if she ever gets tired of fucking with them and watching them overcome obstacles. Steph says none of them have overcome anything, everyone has fought their battles for them. She says that's going to change when Dolph faces Bray Wyatt tonight. She then gives Rowan a match with Rusev, and Ryback has a match next against Luke Harper.

The Ryback/Harper match isn't as slow or sloppy as you would think. In fact they put together a really solid brawl. They tell a good story and there's some pretty decent drama. I am quite impressed by both men here. It ends when Ryback hits the Shell Shock for the pin.

We come back from break to the flying Uso twins doing their Samoan dance. Seriously WWE, get them some fire dancers or something. When your production values are less than TNA is willing to spend to promote Samoa Joe, you have a problem.

Turns out Uso #1 is facing Cesaro. At least it's not Miz or Mizdow. The match is decent, but I expected more from these two. Maybe it was all the distractions on the outside with Tyson and Nattie as well as Naomi and Uso #2, but the match seems like it's missing something. It's not bad, it's just not as good as I wanted. It ends when Jimmy Uso goes for a splash, but Cesaro jumps up and hits him with a huge European uppercut for the pin. After the match, Tyson takes a cheap shot at Uso #2 and scampers up the ramp with Cesaro and Natalya.

Another shot of the horrible announce table pimping the fact that the WWE network is free in February. That doesn't reek of desperation at all. After another commercial break we see Damien Mizdow at the food table making something for a fussy Miz. One of the stage hands asks for an autograph. The Miz shoes him away, but the fan says he meant from Damien Mizdow. Miz doesn't like this at all. Miz cuts a promo on Mizdow, while Mizdow mimes along, which is a whole new level of meta wrestling comedy. Miz says he gave Mizdow his purpose, and now he's throwing it away. He berates him quite a bit before firing him. He then says he's giving Mizdow a new job, his personal assistant.

We then cut to Cena in the locker room who is quickly joined by Erick Rowan. Rowan says he's always been an outcast and he wants to thank Cena for standing up for him. He says his time away changed him, and thanks Cena again. He says he's going to return the favor by beating the shit out of Rusev for him. We go to ringside and Ziggler is coming down for his match with Bray Wyatt.

We come back an we get a shot of Stone Cold getting prepping for the podcast. Back to the ring and down comes Bray Wyatt. I haven't seen an awesome creepy entrance like his since the Undertaker's. This guy really could be the next Taker. He's so good. Of course Michael Cole can't just shut up and let his entrance speak, he has to talk over the whole damn thing. I would honestly replace the entire announce team with brand new people at this point. If I had to choose three it would be Renee Young, and then I would rehire Josh Matthews and Matt Stryker. Look WWE, I just fixed half your fucking problem!

The match is great. Instead of robotically hitting move after move, they focus a lot more on story and character, which has become a hallmark of Bray Wyatt's matches. With Dolph's selling and Bray's storytelling, I could probably watch these two fight as much as we watched Wyatt and Ambrose. WWE seems to agree with me, and gives them plenty of time. If this isn't two men grabbing the brass ring, I don't know what is. The crowd is loving this match. It ends when Bray Wyatt hits Sister Abigail for the win. Fantastic match that both men should be proud of. I hope Vince is actually paying attention here. This is your future.

Another shot of the announce table, and the throw it to a replay of the opening segment. We then get Stephanie, Triple H and Seth Rollins backstage. They plug Stephanie's workout DVD, before they assure Seth that they know Seth will beat Daniel Bryan tonight. They take a second to bury Randy Orton for no reason, before Seth Rollins says he plans to take this opportunity to prove how ball rockingly awesome he is. Commercial time!

Commercial note: Fuck you Marie Osmond! You don't judge me for being fat! You're a little bit Nutrisystem, I'm a little bit clear out the fucking buffet!

Replay of the Bella Mannequins and Paige being catty bitches last week before Paige got the crap knocked out of her. Back to ringside and the mannequins themselves are at the announce table... yippee. Looks like the match will be Paige versus Alicia Fox. If I didn't have to review this, I would be pretending to use the bathroom right now so I didn't have to sit through this. The commentary here is unbearable. The Bellas are terrible, the announcers are terrible, it's just bad all around. The match isn't much better. I mean, it's better than I expected, but that's a low bar to jump over. It ends mercifully when Paige pins Alicia with a surprise roll up. Alicia attacks her after the match as the Bellas stand there looking not at all wooden or emotionless. They spray paint her stomach before leaving. How... diabolical? The announcers talk about Fast Lane a bit before mentioning the main event and sending us to commercial.

Back from commercial, and we get a segment hyping the Miz's appearance on Sirens. It's cool to get a backstage look, but this is proof Raw shouldn't be three hours long. We don't need filler pieces like this advertising an appearance that we've already seen advertised several times. Back to ringside and out comes the Miz followed by his personal assistant, Damien Mizdow, who still tries to do his stunt double gimmick. this make Miz mad, and he shouts down Mizdow.

Looks like his match will be with Sin Cara. The match is decent, but it's secondary to Mizdow being hilarious trying not to do his stunt double thing. Miz is actually good here yelling at Sandow. Lines like "They are nothing, I am everything" give me hope for his future. Mizdow can't help himself and gets on the apron, distratcing Miz and letting Sin Cara roll him up for the win. Miz yells at Mizdow, but we don't get to see much of it before we cut to a creepy Bray Wyatt promo. He does his thing awesomely for a little bit, but says almost nothing before we go to commercial.

Commercial note: USA is having an NCIS marathon on Wednesday. No. No... fuck you I'm not doing it. Absolutely not. Big old steaming pile of nope and go fuck yourself.

Back from break and Rusev is on his way down to the ring with Lana in tow. Erick Rowan comes down next looking all creepy in his sheep mask. Rusev beats the ever loving crap out of Rowan before the match even starts. In fact, he beats him up so bad that the match never happens. Lana grabs the mic and invites us all to a movie premier. It's not a happy film though. It's really just a clip reel of Rusev killing people. Still better and more accurate than American Sniper. After the movie is done Rusev shouts a bunch of gibberish. The flag is supposed to come down, but it gets caught in the mechanism I guess. If that was planned it was stupid, if it wasn't then Rusev and Lana do a great job covering.

Next we get a shot of Daniel Bryan talking to Roman Reigns backstage. They talk a little back and forth, Daniel Bryan basically letting him know he plans on fighting him at Fast Lane. It's a typical "I'm gonna win. No, I'm gonna win." segment, but both men do a good job.

We go back to ringside where Seth Rollins is on his way down for the main event. After a short commercial break, Daniel Bryan comes down and we get a replay of him locking Kane in a casket to further his career last week. Wrestling is weird when you really look at it. Anyway, the match is great with some interesting spots and a very nice flow. It ends when Reigns comes down and punches Seth, leading to a flying knee from Bryan and the pin. We cut to a shot of Triple H backstage, and he seems nonplussed. He tells Renee Young that he'll talk about it on the podcast.

Michael Cole gets into the ring, congratulates Daniel, and then wisely hands him the microphone. Bryan cuts a promo thanking the fans and promising to beat Roman Reigns and main event Wrestlemania. We fade out with everyone chanting Yes, kind of like we should have at the end of the Royal Rumble.

So... did it suck? Nope, not this week. It looked like it was going that way though. The first hour was a half hour opening segment that should have taken ten minutes, followed by them jamming a bunch of shit in before they got their pacing back. The last two hours were well worth watching. Two truly fantastic TV matches, some well forwarded feuds, and at the end the fans got what they wanted. I do have one complaint, and that's that I don't like that WWE gave in to the fans again. Don't get me wrong, I love that Daniel Bryan is getting what he deserves, but this sets a dangerous precedent for WWE. I wonder how long it will take Vince to realize he just gave the fans complete control of the show, which they will gladly exercise. Other than that it was one hell of a show that got me pumped for Fast Lane.

MVP: This was a tough one. A number of people did amazing jobs this week, but I have to give it to Luke Harper and Ryback. They really stepped up and impressed me this week, delivering a great brawl and showing us that they can have a match without botching half the moves. Maybe it was a fluke, but I expect more out of both of them going forward.

Worst in show: The Bella Mannequins. They were horrible on the announce table, and their post match nonsense just seemed poorly thought out and awfully executed. I really don't get what spray painting Paige with easily washable paint was supposed to do, but I guess it worked for the NWO.

That's it for this week... or is it? I smell an announcement coming! That's right, I have decided that not only will "Did Raw Suck?" be a weekly column, but it will now also be a weekly podcast. Expect that up either later today or very early tomorrow. That's it for now kids. Remember, I am a trained professional. Do not attempt to review Raw on your own without proper training. You could injure yourself or others. See you next time!