Did Raw Suck This Week? 4/13/15

Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to another edition of "Did Raw Suck This Week?" Are you ready to spend three hours watching the most hit and miss programming on television? Well belly up and spin the roulette wheel! We're about to get RAW!

We start with Dr. Johnathon Cornelius Cena coming out to flaunt his thuganomics degree to an incredibly hateful British crowd. Also, it turns out Michael Cole is back.  Is it bad that I was kind of hoping he was really hurt? Cena milks the boos, as one lone Cena fan backs him up. Way to go lone Cena fan. You are truly a hero. He compliments the crowd, and tells them Wrestlemania should be in London for a cheap pop, and they totally buy it. Smart fans my ass. Cena then starts talking about Rusev, and the crowd's give a shit meter plummets. Cena then announces that his open challenge starts right now.

Bad News Barrett comes out to accept the challenge. JBL points out that John Cena is surprised... why? We're in England. Learn to anticipate John. Barrett is over like big tits, to no one's surprise. The problem with these matches is that we know Cena is going to win. It's going to be a while before he loses, so there's not as much drama as there should be. That being said, it elevates mid card talent. Getting a solid, decent length match with Cena is a very good thing. Barrett uses his time in the spotlight well, having a very good, well paced match. Barrett gets a lot of offense, and even kicks out of one AA but Cena wins with the second one.

After the match, Lana comes out to a decent pop.She distracts Cena for a minute so Rusev can attack him from behind with a chain. She then announces their match at Extreme rules will be a Russian chain match... whatever the fuck that means. Rusev then holds up the chain and the US title as the Russian flag falls behind him. Did Cena not see the flag sitting up there and consider that something might be planned?

We go to a shot of the announcer's table, and they babble on about some bullshit about Cole suing Brock Lesnar, but Cole quickly changes topic. They give us a replay of Randy Orton winning the number one contender's match last week. They run down some matches that will happen tonight before the Bella mannequins come down to have a seat at the commentary table. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I would rather watch them wrestle.

Back from break, and we get a Divas battle royal. Oh joy. You know how much I love those! The crowd goes wild for Paige, because British. The first thing I notice are there are only 8 divas in the ring. Are there really only ten diva sin the division? They need to call up some NXT ladies quick. The battle royal isn't as boring as they usually are, but that's the lowest bar anything has ever had to jump over. For some reason Cameron and Alicia are in the final four. The talent in the Divas division is THIN. Thankfully it comes down to Paige and Naomi, and they have a pretty good back and forth with plenty of drama. Paige wins of course, because it's not time to turn Naomi heel yet.

Another break, and when we come back, Byron Saxton is in the ring interviewing Paige. She talks about her accomplishments, and cuts a hometown promo, and the crowd adores her. Naomi then attacks in the middle of the promo... I guess it IS time to turn Naomi heel.She beats the crap out of Paige, getting insane heat for it. Beautifully executed.

A creepy Bray Wyatt promo pops on the TV, and this week crazy Uncle Bray is talking about love. Its ups, its downs, its risks, its rewards. He threatens to rip his opponents love out of his chest and replace it with fear, because fear is stronger. I'm not doing it justice. Bray is amazing.

After another break we get the Lucha Dragons versus the Ascension. It's quick, but spectacular to watch. The Lucha Dragons win with an Asai DDT/Swanton bomb combo. I couldn't help but feel like this match could have used more time, but it was fun for what it was. The announcers pimp the network a bit before sending us to commercial.

Commercial note: I know I bitched about The Marine 4 twice last week, but really guys? Does the world really need a third sequel to that pile of cliched garbage?

Back from break and Booker T is in the ring to interview Roman Reigns. Reigns comes out, and the British crowd actually seems to like him... kinda... a little. Booker asks him how he feels about losing at Wrestlemania. Before he can answer, some of the crowd chants "suplex city". Reigns says he's been there, and it hurt. Roman then says he did everything he said he would do, but win. He claims to have been close to beating him, which nobody really believes. He says Seth took his moment, and now he's going to beat Seth's ass.

Booker talks about Big Show costing him the number one contendership last week. Reigns calls Big Show Seth's giant bitch. They're throwing the bitch word around a lot lately. Big Show interrupts from the giant screen, and says Reigns was the one who failed, and people are happy about it. Show says while Reigns was losing, Big Show was winning the Andre the Giant battle royal. He calls Roman a bum, which are fighting words if you're a boxer from the 1940's. Big Show says he's going to derive pleasure from turning Reigns into a failure. The crowd chants boring, and I hate that chant this time they're right.

Roman accuses Big Show of being a wimp who talks from the back. Reigns warns Show that if he doesn't stay out of his business, Reigns is going to shove the Andre Battle Royal trophy down Show's throat. Reigns did a good job here of getting himself over. Big Show still needs to retire. Reigns walks up the ramp, but before he can step backstage, Big Show pops out and beats him stupid. The crowd has clearly been reading my column, as they chant "please retire" at Big Show. Ouch. Big Show responds by throwing Reigns on top of the car, and choke slamming him on the roof so hard it sends us to commercial.

We come back and we get an immediate replay of the last segment. The announcers tell us that Roman walked away from the car under his own power during the break. Orton comes out for his match with Cesaro, and the crowd doesn't care. Not much of a pop and no booing. Not a good sign. The match is slow, and way too short. It ends when Tyson pulls Orton off the apron and gets Cesaro disqualified. After the match Kane comes out and tells Orton not to celebrate. He can't let this match end in a DQ when the stipulation for the Extreme Rules match is on the line. Kane says the match will restart as a handicap match, with Tyson being thrown in.

The match restarts, and it's good enough. I hate handicap matches, and having the tag team champions in it isn't helping. No reason for the tag champs to be beaten by ANY one competitor, even Randy Orton. It's well done, but it ends as you would expect when Orton hits an RKO on Tyson Kidd. It was off of a springboard though, and looked really cool.

Cut backstage to Rollins, Kane and the New Stooges watching Orton win. Rollins mocks Kane, and says he won't be facing Ziggler later. He decides he'll be facing Jamie Noble. I love Seth being the big headed asshole who manipulates everything and tries to call the shots. Noble says Kane should be the one to lay down for Seth, and Kane threatens his testicles with a car battery. Seth says it doesn't matter, but he needs to win, so Kane needs to protect him however he needs to, including losing to Seth.

Back from break and we're getting a match between Dean Ambrose and Adam Rose, because apparently WWE really wants me to keep watching. It's a really good jobber match, which Dean wins with Dirty Deeds. Backstage Corporate Kane is talking on his corporate cell phone. Big Show comes into the shot and gives him a speech telling him he needs to do what's best for business.

Another break and we come back to Stardust coming to the ring for his match with Fandango. It's another short jobber match. Well done but why did it need to happen? Maybe next time don't put the jobber matches one right after the other. Oh well. At least they're still interested in Stardust.

After the match, Fandango cuts a promo where he gets on the announce table and starts dancing. The crowd loves it, and plays along, Fandango-ing as they play his original music. Fandango even takes JBL's hat at one point. Has he just lost his mind and started improvising, because that would be cool. We get a backstage segment with Kane and Daniel Bryan where Daniel Bryan tries to convince Kane to be a monster instead of a corporate sell out, and not lay down for Seth. He even references the finger poke of doom. I can not stress how much Daniel has improved on the mic since coming here. Kane gets pissed and almost snaps on Bryan.

Back from break and we get a replay of Cena beating Barrett, and getting beat on by Rusev. The announcers tell us John Cena will be ok... no shit. He's fucking Wolverine. They also tell us Cena is taking his open challenge to Smackdown. Seth Rollins comes out for his match with Kane. I'm going to go ahead and pretend I'm ten, and have no idea what Kane is going to do. If you do it too, you will probably enjoy this match more.

Kane comes down dressed in a suit, and everyone assumes that means he will lay down for Seth... because apparently they don't watch wrestling at all. The bell rings, and Kane takes off his jacket, tie and shirt. He acts conflicted, and eventually lays down. Seth covers him, but he kicks out. Holy crap! Kane's actually going to fight Rollins?!?! Who could have possibly seen that coming?!?! I am in complete and utter astonish- okay I can't do this. No one was fooled and the whole thing was a waste of time.WWE writing team, you're not fucking clever.

The New Stooges get in the ring and try to convince him to lay down, but he tosses them away. Seth yells at him, and gets the shit slapped out of him for his troubles.He signals for the choke slam and Seth begs him not to. Kane looks like he is going to relent, but choke slams Rollins. He goes to make the cut throat sign, but rethinks it. He lays down and drapes Seth over him for the pin. Interesting move. Not sure exactly what they were trying to do. Very confusing match. The crowd seems confused too. Seth comes to and smiles like he just won the title again. Hilarious stuff. I know I gush over him a lot, but Seth is a fucking star. Before commercial we get a shot of Damien Mizdow walking down the hallway, which gets a pop from the crowd.

Commercial note: Stanley Cup playoffs start on Wednesday. No joke here, just wanted to say Let's go Wild, and fuck the Blackhawks.

Back from break, and the Miz comes out to little reaction. Mizdow then comes down to a decent sized pop. Summer Rae comes down with him to get the full Marine 4 tie in... and I am just no realizing why it took them so long to pull the trigger on this feud... fuck you WWE... fuck you.

The match is way too short and ends when Mizdow wins with a roll up. I assume they'll have their blow off match at Extreme Rules. I would have no issue with this if so many of the matched tonight weren't so short. After the match we get a pre-tape from the Prime Time Players. In this one they mock Los Matadores. I'd call this racist, but it's less racist than Los Matadores actual gimmick, so I can't really complain. They even point out the serious lack of bull fighters from Puerto Rico. Excellent point guys. It's a halfway funny segment, and I'm a PTP mark.

Commercial note: Ok, apparently Mr. Robot is not a wrestler. It's USA's (probably horrible) new show... what a stupid campaign.

Back from break and Ryback! Hooray! Sarcasm is fun! He comes down to the ring for his match with Luke Harper. Ten bucks says this goes longer than most of the matches I actually wanted to see tonight. It's a stupid, boring slug fest with little psychology. It ends quickly, but not quickly enough, when Harper hits Ryback with the top of the announce table. Ambrose comes down after the match and attacks Harper. He beats him up a bit before Harper leaves through the crowd. How did they miss the ball on naming him Lee Harper? Not a lot of readers in the WWE creative team? I can't say I'm surprised.

We get a replay of Naomi's heel turn, and then a segment with Naomi backstage with Byron. She says she's disappointed with herself, but then starts laughing and calls Saxton an idiot. She says we didn't need a Diva's battle royal, because she already deserved a shot at the title. She's right honestly. I sympathize with her here. I can't blame her. She does a great job with this promo, and I am really excited to see what she does as a heel. Ziggler comes down and we get a commercial break.

Back from commercial and Ziggler chastises Kane, calling him a dumbass for laying down for Seth. Ziggler says he's issuing his own open challenge tonight, and cuts a better promo than I've seen form him since he became a face. Neville answers the challenge to a giant pop, because... do I even have to say it anymore?

The match is as fantastic as you expect it to be. They hit some really cool spots, and then give them time to breathe instead of moving right on to the next. At one point, in an amazing looking spot, Neville walks along the black barrier, and hits a 450 splash off the edge. The thing I really love about Neville is nothing he hits looks sloppy. His is always crisp and clean and in control. It's visually stunning to watch. The match ends when Ziggler hits the Zig Zag for the pin.

After the match, Sheamus comes out and kicks Neville in the face. He then slaps Ziggler around, and goes for the brogue kick, but Ziggler knocks him out of the ring and attacks. They have a great brawl that Sheamus ends with a brogue kick on the outside. He taunts on top of the announce table to end a great segment. We get a replay of Big Show attacking Roman Reigns earlier in the night. You know, maybe if the show weren't three hours, you wouldn't have to worry about your audience forgetting what happened half way through. Just a thought.

Commercial note: Coca-cola... we need to talk... we think you've been doing drugs.

Back from break, and it's time to find out what stipulations Randy Orton and Seth Rollins are putting on their Extreme Rules match. He sits in a recliner, and reminds us that he is the future of the WWE. He says what Kane did doesn't make him less of a man, because a real man knows when the team is more important. He then calls Randy out so he can tell him his stipulation in person.

They go back and forth a bit to fill out the show, and it's not bad promo work from either man. Seth is obviously the superior mic talent here though. Seth Rollins is the Prince Geoffrey of the WWE and it's amazing. Seth says his stip is that the RKO is banned at Extreme Rules... Seth, watch wrestling. He's just going to punt you in the fucking head. Orton prattles on a bit before saying that his stipulation is that the match is a cage match, so the Authority can't help him. Orton... watch wrestling. The authority is going to find a way to help him anyway. Seriously, am I the only one who actually watches wrestling?

Seth says that doesn't phase him. He says Orton without the RKO is just his first victim. Orton attacks, beating on all three men, and RKOing Joey Mercury. Seth uses that distraction to run away. We end on a shot of Seth yelling at Orton while Orton poses in the ring like a ballerina

So... did it suck? No, but a few really good segments had to save it. I was ready to put this one in the suck column before Namoi's promo, and the Ziggler/Neville match. Those two things really saved this one. The grouping of short matches, and sort of meandering, pointless storylines really hurt it, and the crowd noise showed that. I'm hoping the go home show for Extreme Rules is better than this.

MVP: Ziggler and Neville without question. They had an amazing match that got me, and the crowd back into an otherwise disappointing show.

Worst in show: The Kane storyline. This was stupid, uninteresting, and the crowd hated it. No one was fooled, and it felt like time filler.

That's all for me this week. I'm working on a number of things, and I'm honestly not sure what's coming out next, so just keep your eyes peeled. Remember, it's just a show. Try to enjoy it.