"Why the Royal Rumble Was Secretly Brilliant" or "The Only Thing Wrong With WWE's Booking is the Fans"

January 26, 2014. It's Sunday, and it's time for WWE's annual January tradition, the Royal Rumble. During the entire preceding year there was a wrestler who quickly gained favor with the WWE fans. He was a smaller wrestler with a kind, laid back personality that we could relate to. In short, he wasn't what WWE was looking for. This man's name was Daniel Bryan. All year we had spent our money to come to arenas all over the country and chant "YES!" in honor of our new favorite wrestler. That fateful Sunday night we sat down to watch the Royal Rumble match, and slowly each of the thirty men entered. With each one we wondered how long it would be before we would see our hero get his chance to compete in one of the most important matches of his career. Eventually we got through number 29, and there was no Daniel Bryan. Every last one of us was positive we would see Daniel walk through the curtain at number thirty and win the Royal Rumble. Slowly the counter ticked down. 3...2...1... and we were greeted with... Rey Mysterio. There would be no Daniel Bryan in that years Royal Rumble. We were heartbroken. Not only that, but with all the young superstars in the Rumble that year, the man chosen to win was an over the hill, semi retired movie star named Batista, who had already been getting lukewarm reactions for his return. This was a colossal booking mistake, and was rectified when they shoehorned Daniel Bryan into the Wrestlemania main event anyway. Now, let me tell you why what happened at this year's Rumble is nothing like that.

Last year WWE's plan was to ignore Daniel Bryan entirely because they didn't understand what made the crowd love him, and so they were rightfully afraid they wouldn't be able to write properly for it, at least that's how I saw it. This year they responded to the Daniel Bryan fans by booking the most secretly genius ending to a Royal Rumble I have ever seen. The first genius move they made was the elimination of Daniel Bryan. First of all, WWE has noticed, as have I, that every time Daniel Bryan loses, the ratings don't go down, subscriptions don't go down, but fans certainly get louder. The more they hold him back, the more the fans want him, and if they can keep that tension at a boiling point just before they pull the trigger, they can have a new Stone Cold on their hands. Second reason Daniel Bryan's elimination was brilliant has to do with the man who eliminated him, Bray Wyatt, an incredibly promising heel that is so cool, it's hard to get crowd to boo him. Him eliminating Daniel Bryan was WWE's attempt to put the monstrous heat of taking out the WWE fans chosen star on him. It didn't work, but more on that in a minute.

The next brilliant move involves two other wrestlers, men the fans would have gladly accepted as substitutes to win. Those men are Dolph Ziggler and Dean Ambrose. Late in the match they were both dumped over the top rope unceremoniously by Kane and the Big Show, painting them as careless assholes who had no respect for either of these stars. This was the WWE attempting to take the heat from eliminating the other two fan favorites, and placing it on the Big Show and Kane. At the end of the match Roman Reigns eliminated both Kane and Big Show, and was he treated to the welcome of a hero who vanquished two men who had earlier treated the fan favorites with such disdain? No. He was booed.

The question we have to ask ourselves is why, when in any other era these decisions would have done exactly what they meant to do, did none of it work? The answer is the fans. Fans today seem to have a tendency to read into everything that goes on. Because they know more about the product than ever, and because they read into things, they didn't see Big Show and Kane treating Ziggler and Ambrose with disrespect. In the fans minds they saw the writing team dumping those men like bags of garbage. You put this booking in any other era and it would work perfectly. Bray Wyatt would be a much more over heel, and Roman Reigns would be a conquering hero who dispatched of the bullies Kane and Big Show. The only problem I can think of is the fans.

Now, is it because the fans are spoiled, and feel like they have the right to demand that their favorite guy win? Maybe, but unlikely. What I think is more likely is that wrestling fans, in the post-kayfabe era, find it much harder to watch the show as a fictional product. They understand that the matches are predetermined, but because of that they have lost the ability to see that it was Kane and Big Show who eliminated Ziggler and Ambrose. They refuse to see it that way, instead blaming the writing staff. When a character you love is killed on Game of Thrones, most fans don't blame George R.R. Martin. They blame the evil character that killed them, because the veil between reality and fiction is much thicker with books and other T.V. shows. The veil between reality and fiction is much thinner in professional wrestling, and so it becomes much harder to separate the reality of the writing staff from the fiction that is what you see on the show. Either way you slice it, it's clear the fans are the problem with WWE's current booking.

That being said, if the fans are your problem in the entertainment industry, it's still your job to change to suit them. Going back to another television show, if an audience grows up with a show like Saved By The Bell, the audience will inevitably change as they grow. If the show fails to grow with them, you can't blame the fans. The writers have a responsibility to keep their fingers on the pulse of the crowd and change with them as much as they can. WWE failed to do this on Sunday at the Royal Rumble. They booked a fantastic story with a hot up and coming babyface with all the natural gifts to make it. It was perfect. The only problem is that it wasn't booked for the current audience, and so it all fell apart in front of them. They got a reaction, which is better than nothing, but the heat being on your writing staff rather than your wrestlers is not good.

What does this mean? Should WWE just give in and always let the fan favorite win? How should WWE handle this sudden change in audience tone? I have no idea. That's probably why I don't work for WWE. What I do know is they need to figure something out, or they'll have a hard time catching up and figuring out how to manipulate the crowd once again.I will end by saying that I absolutely do not think Jamming Daniel Bryan into the main event once more is the answer. Think you DO have the answer? Go ahead and leave a comment below and let us know what you would do if you were WWE.

Mind Vomit: My Random Running Thoughts on the Royal Rumble

As long as I'm watching, I may as well do my thoughts for the pre-show this time too. I'll be updating all night, so feel free to keep hitting the refresh button.

I absolutely adore Renee Young. She's smart, well spoken, charismatic and just fucking gorgeous.

Why do we care that the Rock is tweeting? Also, why is he tweeting like a 20 year old wannabe rapper?

Corey Graves picks Roman Reigns to win, because he hates Roman Reigns and wants to see this crowd boo the crap out of him.

Booker says his pick is Rusev. Does Booker T even watch wrestling?

Renee Young, like any sane person, wants Daniel Bryan to win.

I like all the people in the kickoff show match, but because of terrible booking I just don't care.

The opening panel looks like MSNBC with their token white guy.

Who is this whitebread yutz? Is he the new Todd Pettingil... good lord we did NOT need a new Todd Pettingil.

The divas division is... fun? I wish this were NXT all of a sudden.

I'm going to refrain from ranting too much about the "New" Age Outlaws v. the Ascension. I'll save that for my Raw review tomorrow.

If nostalgia trips draw that much money, maybe we should resurrect Classy Freddy Blassie and have him kick the shit out of some up and coming stars.

Road Dogg was the only one of these two that was half way worth their contract... but only half way.

This Network plug is stupid. Acting like you know how stupid it is doesn't make it less stupid.

Brock Lesnar is not someone I talk a lot about, but I like him. He presents a legit bad ass image and anyone who wrestles him comes away better for it in the fan's eyes.

This interview is a cool idea. It actually hypes the Rumble match itself, so I'm ok with HBK getting some time. Could have been done with someone who could use the time, but it happens.

Can Shawn not be bothered to ever change his clothes? Seriously dude, it's the Rumble. Dress up a bit.

Booker T reminds me of a sexy librarian with his hipster glasses and tight bun... only not sexy... and annoying as fuck.

I watched that special on Connor the Crusher on the Network and I was brought to sobbing tears. I highly recommend watching it.

Ok, New Day's gimmick isn't quite as offensive as Cryme Tyme, but that's a high bar to jump over.

I desperately want to like these guys. God dammit WWE, stop making it impossible for me to like these guys!

Cesaro and Tyson Kidd are two of my favorite guys on the roster right now. Why the hell are they teaming together? It doesn't fit at all. Just feels slapped together for lack of anything else.

Everyone on my screen in this match has insane potential. Why do I feel like we'll be lucky to see one of them ever go anywhere?

The crowd actually seems pretty hyped for this match. I have the feeling we got a good crowd for the Rumble. Of course that means it's a dangerous crowd for WWE.

An example of how it's dangerous, they just booed Big E and cheered Cesaro.

You know that camera angle where we can see Natalya as well as the match? Just leave it on that camera.

This statistic video is the same one they show every year with slight edits. I like it, but you can do a new one every year guys. Don't get lazy now.

I'm going to be bold and put my Rumble prediction out there now. I have a feeling WWE is going to be smart this year and give it to Daniel Bryan. I also think somehow Seth Rollins will leave tonight with the title.

I also predict Kofi will avoid elimination by revealing that he has learned to fly.

Corey Graves looks so fucking weird in a suit and bow tie.

Why is Sting wearing a red Sgt. Pepper jacket? Ah well, at least he's not pretending to be Heath Ledger. 

Why are they wasting time interviewing Ryback and Erik Rowan? We would have been fine if they JUST brought back Dolph Ziggler.

Ryback may not be a fucking idiot, but he sure talks like a fucking idiot.

Token Byron is looking sharp with his red shirt and stripey tie. He also still has no personality to speak of. Way to be Vince McMahon's favorite kind of black guy.

Time to play "How many Network plugs can we fit in before the pay per view starts".

Five... the answer is five.

The opening videos to WWEs big shows are always fantastic. Whoever designs these should get some sort of award. Of course that would require the elitists to acknowledge wrestling exists.

And we're starting with the match I was dreading. At least we're getting it out of the way early.

Someone on hard camera side has a huge cardboard cut out of Colt Cabana's face. I hope he holds it up the entire show.

If this is anything but a ten second squash by Ascension, Vince has gone full retard.

Well, it's official. Vince has lost his mind.

Crowd chanting "You still got it" at Billy Gunn. He's still got what? Herpes? No duh. That shit's forever.

New Age Outlaws get all kinds of offense... and the Ascension gets a chinlock. Who do you think is calling this match?

Good ending, but not good enough to counteract them being dragged down into this shitty pseudo-feud.

Triple H is going to be a guest on Austin's podcast. I'm looking forward to that way more than I was for the Vince McMahon one.

Does Stephanie not understand that Sting hides in the rafters? That's his thing. Maybe you guys should check the rafters.

Paul Heyman got a good sized pop from the nostalgic Philly crowd. Me too, but one guy yelling in his living room isn't as cool.

The tag titles are still a thing? Crazy.

I'm still kind of amazed they couldn't get some fire dancers for the flying Uso twins. TNA did it for Samoa Joe and they're a joke.

If Miz and Mizdow don't turn on each other tonight, WWE will have waited too long.

I love Mizdow, but his act really does take away from the match.

That being said, Mizdow is over like big tits on a 20 year old. I wonder if that will carry over once this storyline is done.

"Miz using Mizdow as a human shield." Or... you know... a stunt double?

Miz is surprised he didn't win. Why? Didn't he see the booking sheet for the night?

Usos win... to the surprise of no one but the Miz.

I like that they're mentioning the kickoff show match. It was actually really good.

The New Stooges plugging WWE Immortals is... not the dumbest thing I've ever seen on a PPV, but that's not saying much.

Are Paige and Natty supposed to be lesbians or what? My penis is really confused about how to feel.

Implied lesbianism is the lamest kind of lesbianism.

I love Natalya, but this match is going way too long.

The Bellas win with a... forearm strike? Fucking weird.

Wrestling action figures and rings suck lately. You guys had it down. You didn't have to fix it until it was broken.

Roman Reigns has the dreamiest fucking eyes. I'm mostly straight, but he could probably convince me otherwise.

I really want to hate Goldust and Stardust, but I just fucking can't.

I like these bits where they do small interviews with everyone before the Rumble. Makes it seem much bigger than the three or four guys that have a shot at actually winning.

What the fuck is a Danko Jones and how do I get vaccinated for it?

The crowd singing "John Cena Sucks" along with his music is awesome. Philly fans know how to chant man.

I don't see the main event being a great match, but it's one of the rare instances where I think fans are more interested in the outcome than the match.

Seth landed that German suplex WAY wrong. Fucking ow.

Seth Rollins jumped on them like they were a couple Koopa troopas.

Rollins is being a super smart cowardly heel in this match. Brilliant. Brock and Cena kicking the shit out of each other is fun to watch too.

This has actually been a very well booked match.

All three of these guys are looking really good. The psychology of this one is on point.

The three AA spot was stupid, but the nasty curb stomp on Lesnar made up for it.

They're just going to tear down the arena. I'm all for it, but I'm not sure WWE is insured for this.

Aaaaaaand Brock's dead. Awesome table spot though, so worth it.

This match has been far better than I expected.

Did Cena just steal Kevin Owens' finisher? Asshole.

And the Stooges make the save!!! I love these guys.

Does anyone actually believe Brock is going to leave on a stretcher?

PHOENIX SPLASH! HOLY SHIT!!!

What an ending! Just fantastic. This is one people will talk about for a while.

That match was WELL worth being wrong about one of my predictions.

The thing that really strikes me about this match is how great Seth Rollins looked. He looked like a legitimate champion.

Fastlane is one of the dumbest PPV names I have ever heard, and I used to be an E-fedder.

I still think my prediction about Kofi will come true.

The Royal Rumble match is always one of my favorites. It typically sucks, but it's about the spectacle.

Why the hell does R-Truth get a Rumble spot? What has he done? Where has he been? How long until he realizes it probably isn't going to happen for him? Am I going to answer any of these questions?

R-Truth is still a better rapper than Iggy Azalea.

I like R-Truth way better when he was a crazy arachnaphobe.

Bubba Ray! Oh wow! Philly is going apeshit. I'm really glad to see him back. He's been one of the few things about TNA worth watching.

Does Bray Wyatt REALLY need to do his whole entrance? I know it's cool, but it's the Rumble.

It's set up well that they can have Harper and Wyatt still work together.

Poor Curtis Axel.

I guess Rowan can just take his spot because he jumped him. Those are Royal Rumble rules.

The Boogeyman? Really? Ok... I guess.

Well that was mercifully short.

Bray is showing us what a star he can be right here. It's like the Royal Rumble is his match.

ZACK RYDER!!! WOO WOO WOO! You know it!

He lasted longer than I thought he would... which isn't saying much.

And here's Daniel Bryan. A little early, but not way too early.

Fandango! The new favorite to win it!

Good lord. When's the last time you saw an airplane spin?

This Rumble has been very well put together so far.

DDP!!! FUCK YES!!!! This is the surprise of the night for me!

Ten out of ten. Best Rumble ever.

That's how you do that, ORTON!

Diamond Cutters for everyone!

Bryan eliminated already? This crowd might very well shit all over the rest of the match. That's a dangerous call.

The crowd is quite unhappy.

Yeah guys, Adam Rose and Kofi Kingston are not the way to bring the crowd back.

Roman Reigns getting booed? Yeah, THAT'S a good sign. Nice job Vince. You really screwed this one up.

Roman Reigns is the new Batista/Sheamus. He got fucked by proxy when Vince fucked Bryan.

Mizdow is in! Not even sure this will get them back.

Looks like they're going to pull the trigger on the Mizdow/Miz feud... fucking finally.

If Roman Reigns wins, he will be the world's biggest heel by Mania

Vince had everyone in the palm of his hand, and it seems like he is intentionally shitting on it. I just don't get the intentionally bad booking for this Rumble match.

Dean Ambrose is the only name that can save them at this point.

Yes! Titus O'Neil will bring this crowd back!

Guess not.

If I see the Rock tonight, I'm going to be very upset.

There is no godly reason for Big E to still be in the ring.

This would excite me a lot more if I thought Dolph might actually win.

Kane and Big Show being this influential is about the dumbest thing you can do.

Wow, they are throwing this Rumble down the toilet.

Kane and Big Show being in the final four is a HUGE mistake, and a damning indictment of how Vince sees his current roster.

And they have just told the crowd to go fuck themselves. Good luck on the road to Wrestlemania guys. This is not going the way you think it will.

This Rumble is an obvious example of how Vince does not get it.

Reigns is going to be a giant heel tomorrow.

This crowd is not interested.

And we get the Rock. I'm fucking done. Fuck the nostalgia trips. Give one shit about your current roster PLEASE Vince!

This makes me physically ill. I can't believe this appearance by an over the hill part timer is winning anyone over. Vince fucked up BAD tonight.

Yup, Reigns is now the company's top heel.

This shit is driving me insane. How can one company refuse to get it so hard? The crowd is booing Roman Reigns and the Rock! That should be a clear message, but it won't be.

Thundercats: Enemy's Pride

Welcome back to Thundercats month! When last we met, we were served a sorry excuse for an adventure manga dressed up like a Thundercats comic. It was underwhelming and there was a lot of Snarf and I would really just rather move past it if that's alright with you. This week we have the final installment in the Wildstorm series of Thundercats comics, and sadly the last Thundercats series in comic form since. Though I've heard rumors of them resurrecting the show, so we can hold out hope. Anyway, this time we join the Thundercats at a period that had me sort of confused. It takes place after the Thundercats settled New Thundera and set up the beacons, but before Lion-O entered the Book of Omens, which if Thundercats: Reclaiming Thundera is to be believed, was all of five minutes. I like continuity in my comics but being that it's the Thundercats, I will let it slide. Let's get started, shall we?

Issue 1

 We open this issue with the Thundercats already involved in a heated battle with the mutants. Not only that, the very first page is a splash page of Slithe clubbing Lion-O with his mace and almost knocking him out. Cheetara saves him from a second blow only for him to get kicked down a well by Vultureman. The other Thundercats quickly finish up the battle and drag Lion-O up from the depths. To everyone's surprise he's fine, but acting oddly. The first thing he does is walk over and stab the Sword of Omens through Slithes ear cartilage. That's a bit Tarantino for what we're used to from Lion-O, but ok. He then lets the mutants go, which doesn't make sense, but Lion-O has always done that and it has never made sense.

We cut back to the Thundercats lair, where much to my delight, Lion-O is berating Snarf, and even throws a boot at his head. Snarf walks out and tells Wilykit and Wilykat about Lion-O's odd behavior. They grow suspicious and listen at his door, hearing what they think is a plot to destroy the Thundercats. Wilykit runs off, but Wilykat doesn't have time to move before Lion-O steps out and spots him. Wilykat lies and says he was just going to check on Lion-O's head. He doesn't believe the Thundercub, but lets him go anyway.

After a moment or two of discussion, the siblings decide there's no better course of action than to run screaming to the other Thundercats. Unfortunately when they get to them, Lion-O is already there, so they don't get a chance to tell anyone what they heard. Lion-O quickly starts a speech about how New Thundera is vulnerable, and they need to protect it. During this speech, Wilykat realizes what he heard was fragments of Lion-O rehearsing this speech. 

The king of the Thundercats calls in twelve young Thunderians, all armed and heavily armored. He tells them to attack him, and they hesitate, but eventually he insists. He obviously takes them all on easily, demonstrating how under-prepared most Thunderians are for war. He then proposes that they establish a Thunderguard. A Thunderian army to protect the land. The others seem to agree. He then tells Wilykat that he's going to be the captain of the new Thunderguard. The other Thundercats congratulate him, but maybe I'm missing something. Isn't he like fucking twelve? Either way we end this issue with Wilykit telling Wilykat that Lion-O named him captain so he could get rid of him. This certainly kills Wilykat's buzz. 

Issue 2

We start issue two with Wilykat already out in the snowy fields with the Thunderguard. He is sitting by a fire talking to a lone guard, who marks the fuck out when he finds out he's talking to Wilykat.  He goes on a rant about all the great things Lion-O's done, and this gets under Wilykat's skin. It looks like Wilykat is about to go on a treasonous rant about their king before a messenger runs into the scene with new orders from Lion-O. They are to move up Mount Thundra. We then get a shot of Lion-O standing over a map with battalion markers on different spots. You would think with the Thundercats' advanced technology, we would have moved past that cliched technology.

Snarf comes in and wants to join in on what he thinks is a game. This causes Lion-O to make me smile by smacking Snarf across the room. Panthro and Begali see this and have a discussion about how odd Lion-O has been acting. They talk about the possibility of needing to force Lion-O to step down, which of course he overhears. 

We go to a scene of Tygra and Cheetara unsuccessfully trying to train Thunderguard recruits. Cheetara has to leave, but just outside the training room Wilykit is waiting to tell her about her theory on Lion-O. Cheetara will hear none of it, attributing it to Wilykit being away from her brother. We then cut to an awesome two page splash of Wilykat and the Thunderguard fighting a group of what look to be giant yetis. 

Cut to the Thundercats' lair, where the citizens of New Thundera are none too happy about the Thunderguard invading their homes and trampling their land. Lion-O shows up and explains to them that the Thunderguard is there to protect them, not harm them. The conversation is interrupted by a transmission from Wilykat telling everyone about the yeti attack. Lion-O uses this as an example of why they need the Thunderguard, and then suggests that everyone needs to help pay for their armor and weapons. This idea seems to set Panthro off. I guess he's a serious libertarian.

Lion-O suggests changing the Thundercats' code, and that really gets Panthro pissed. Lion-O doesn't have time for his shit though. He uses the Sword of Omens to show everyone a scene of Panthro selling out the Thunderguard to the yeti creatures, and uses that to have him declared a traitor. This leads to an epic fight between the two, in which it looks like Panthro is killed. The last page is of Lion-O standing over his body declaring that anyone who stands against the Thundercats will be sentenced to death.

Issue 3

We open issue three in what I think is a rather clever way. We get an artistic depiction of an exaggerated tale from one of the Thunderguard about how the brave and gallant Lion-O vanquished the traitorous beast Panthro, and then made out with Cheetara like the womanizing badass he is. We cut to real life where Lion-O is instructing the Thundercats to toss Panthro's body out with the trash. Cheetara says Panthro's not dead, and Lion-O turns around planning to change that. This is where Cheetara goes full on kick ass amazon and knocks Lion-O's sword out of his hands. She tells him Panthro is one of their oldest friends, and she's not going to let him be killed. Lion-O relents, allowing for him to be banished. Tygra walks Panthro out, believing him to be a traitor. Panthro understands, but warns Tygra to keep a keen eye out before walking away.

We cut back to the Thunderguard campfire, where the recruit telling the story says that Lion-O gave Panthro a full pardon, but Panthro was so ashamed he exiled himself. The embellished story ends when Wilykat walks into the camp and the recruits snap to attention. He asks what's going on, and one recruit tells him about the story. Wilykat says he would have a hard time believing Panthro would do that, but before the conversation can go much further, he is cut off by a message and a package from Lion-O. Inside is a medal and a promotion to Colonel, which the recruits celebrate by lifitng him in the air and cheering.

We cut to the lair where Cheetara is trying to get past a member of the Thunderguard to talk to Lion-O, but he's been given strict instructions not to let anyone pass. It looks like it might come to blows before Tygra walks in and pulls Cheetara away. They then have a short talk about how Lion-O's been acting, before Tygra decides to use his invisibility power to check out several places, including Mumm-Ra's lair and the armory, but finds nothing. He then spots Wilykit sneaking out of the lair, and watches as Bengali catches her and drags her back inside. The scene with her screaming at Bengali as he takes her in is one of the funnier I can remember from the Thundercats franchise.

Tygra then does the thing he should have done first and sneaks into Lion-O's room. Luckily he does so at the exact moment that Lion-O begins an evil monologue into the mirror. He reveals to no one that he isn't Lion-O before Tygra attacks. Fake Lion-O counters it easily because he knew Tygra was there the entire time. The issue ends with Fake Lion-O holding a blade to Tygra's throat.

Issue 4

We start this issue with Snarf and Wilykit sneaking out of the lair and running back to where they had the battle by the well. We're treated to a flashback of that battle, except this time we go down into the well with Lion-O where he is confronted by a witch named Tashi from and earlier episode of the cartoon series.  We then cut to Tygra who is battling her (as Lion-O) unsuccessfully. She explains to him that while her Doom Gaze spell (which causes men to do whatever she wants them to) is powerful, she learned a new spell while she was banished to the inter-dimensional prison, the Doom Grip. This new spell allowed her to become Lion-O and cast him into the shadow dimension. 

She then explains that it took a long time to get out of the prison, but when she did she found ready allies in the mutants. She used them to set up her revenge, and it doesn't look like there's anything Tygra can do to stop it. Tashi leaves a broken Tygra laying in the room, and walks out to see that a large group of protestors, to which he replies "Get rid of them". The Thunderguard then descends on the protest, even bringing the Thundertank with them. This leads to a rather tasteless panel almost parodying the Tiananmen Square picture. This is too much for Cheetara, who finally speaks up, telling Lion-O that they plan to stop him. He has them declared traitors too, and sends them out to fight with the protestors for some reason.

We cut back to the well where Wilykit and Snarf have climbed down and found the real Sword of Omens, which means Tashi's is a fake. Snarf then pulls out a book he found in the library, which he belives has a spell that will bring Lion-O back from the shadow dimension. He starts to read it, but gets interrupted midway, which causes a lightning bolt to come out of nowhere and turn him into dust. Normally I would celebrate, but I have doubts they're going to kill off Snarf... no matter how many letters I write.

We cut to Wilykat with the Thunderguard, who is upset that he has to order tha so many of his former allies be detained for their uprising. He doesn't have much time to ponder this before a message comes. It says that Wilykat is to return to the lair immediately.  War is on, and he looks none too happy when he finds out that the war is with the Thundercats themselves.

Issue 5

We open issue five with the real Lion-O in the shadow realm, battling what look to be a bunch of demons. He's outnumbered and unarmed, but he refuses to back down. This is the Lion-O I remember. Suddenly a giant lightning bolt appears and delivers Snarf to the shadow realm. He explains about the book, but they have to fight off the shadow demons before they can recite any spells. Snarf throws the Sword of Omens to his leader, and shit is on! Lion-O starts slaying monsters left and right, and it isn't long before they are ready to go home.

We cut to the Thundercats, who are facing down the entire Thunderguard. Fake Lion-O appears with Wilykat beside him, who is having a hard time believing that all of the Thundercats are traitors. Before the fake Lion-O can start hacking away, Panthro comes in to even the odds. He's not alone, no sir, he has the Berbils with him! Fake Lion-O is as confused as I am, but Panthro explains that he is an expert engineer, and turned these Robo-Ewoks into murder machines. Guns suddenly sprout from their faces, and fake Lion-O prepares to fight, but Wilykat still seems unsure.

We cut back to the shadow dimension, where Snarf has failed at bringing them back, but succeeded at giving himself a trunk. 

So much for that, back to the battle where it looks like Wilykat is about to order the Thunderguard to attack. He stops them however, and drops his sword at fake Lion-O's feet, proclaiming that he joined the guard to protect his friends, not kill them. Fake Lion-O spazzes out and orders the guard to kill Wilykat, but they refuse. They know Wilykat, and they say there's no way he could be a traitor. Things are falling apart, so fake Lion-O converts back into Tashi. Before she can start casting spells, the real Lion-O shows up.

Lion-O and Tashi have a short battle before she takes control of his mind with her doom gaze. Before she can order him to do anything, she gets cold cocked by a pissed off Cheetara. This knocks her out, saving everyone and apparently ending the giant war. They send Tashi back to the prion and all is well. Well, except for Tashi, who finds upon her return that a new leader has taken control, and SHE isn't a big fan of Tashi's work.

So... how was it? Let's just say I wish it had either been a masterpiece, or terrible. It was neither. Before we dive too deep, let's do like we always do and start with the art. 

Art

The art in these issues is much different from the earlier runs. It returns to a less gritty, more colorful, cartoony style. Usually I wouldn't like that, but the change in tone of writing fits it perfectly, so a darker more realistic art style wouldn't have fit quite as well. The whole thing reminds me of an old Thundercats cartoon, or an issue of the 80's comic run, but far more detailed. If you like the cartoony style, I have a feeling you'll find the pages in these books beautiful. The action is done well, the character models are crisp and recognizable, and it has an almost nostalgic feel to it. As far as the cover art, the last three issues are really interesting. However the first two are a more boring comic book cliche style, and just uses the cartoony character models from inside the book. Overall the art is a big plus and I enjoyed looking at this comic almost as much as I enjoyed reading it.

Story

The story in this one is nowhere near as dark or mature as most of the Wildstorm run, but that's not to say it's bad. It's certainly better than Hammerhand's revenge and I even liked it better than reclaiming Thundera as far as the writing goes. We get to see the Thundercats when their leader isn't himself. It's a situation their not used to where the enemy isn't Mumm-Ra or the mutants, but one of their own. Their leader no less. We get to see a wide range of emotions from the different Thundercats that I wish they would have elaborated a little on. We definitely get to see what Wilykit, Wilykat and Cheetara think of the whole thing. Another thing this series does well is make the Thundercats universe seem big. Often we are restricted to the Thundercats and their lair or their quest, and we don't get to see a lot of the other species, planets and dimensions that exist in this universe. This series did a good job of making it all seem much more vast and giving us glimpses into the farther corners that we don't get to see much of.

One complaint I have is the heavy handed message that was prevalent in this series. I won't go into it too far in depth, but I've seen the evil dictator, how much freedom should we give up, oppressive government storyline done in a lot better ways that didn't require the artist to depict a re-enactment of Tiananmen Square with a fictional character and the Thundertank. Other than that, I thought we got a solid story that will appeal to Thundercats fans young and old.

 Really guys? I mean seriously. I don't even have a joke for this.

Fun Factor

This is the category that really stands out for this series. The action is good and there's plenty of it with more than just the mutants and Mumm-Ra. We get to see them battle yetis, evil witches, and even each other. It's also well paced across the series so you don't often feel like things are dragging. Along with that, you have the factor of being left in the dark for the first few issues about Lion-O, so trying to figure out what happened to him ends up being some of the fun for me. As far as the final battle goes, I love Cheetara coming in and kicking Tashi's ass, but I feel like a villain built up for this long this well should take longer to defeat. I was mildly disappointed by the climax, but otherwise I liked this series and recommend it to any Thundercats fans, especially those that didn't necessarily appreciate the darker tone other Wildstorm Thundercats series have taken. 

Well, that's it for this week ladies and gentlemen. Looks like I've reviewed the entire Thundercats Wildstorm run, and I still don't have a big finale for Thundercats month. Hmmmm... what to do, what to do. Oh well, I guess you'll just have to find out next week. See you then!

Did Raw Suck This Week 1/19/15

Greetings ladies and gentlemen and welcome to this weeks edition of Did Raw Suck This Week! I once again am not doing the last 5 minutes of NCIS because they are airing Law and Order: SVU instead, and I would rather watch three hours of Raw than review THAT... oh wait... shit.

We start Raw with a tribute montage of Martin Luther King Jr. Let's hope WWE has the foresight not to start the show with A New Day. (Right, Cryme Tyme is the much better choice) And now we get a a montage of all WWE's black main eventers... oooooooh... sorry...

We start the show with Michael Cole telling us that a bunch of old guys half the audience never watched are gonna show up, then we get Brock Lesnar. Paul Heyman starts to talk, but Brock takes the mic from him and says hes here to fight, calling out Seth Rollins. Is Brock Lesnar turning face officially here? He sure seems to be acting like it, insulting Seth and acting like a bad ass and whatnot. Someone comes down, but it ain't Seth, because that would be entertaining. No, it's the King of Kings, the Lord God almighty, Captain Shovelstein himself, Triple H! We then get a replay of Seth Rollins curb stomping everyone last week for some reason.

Trips says he understands Brock's upset about Seth stomping him, but Brock would have done the same thing, so we should all calm down. Brock asks Triple H if he's here to fight, and the crowd erupts as if we haven't seen THAT match too many times already. Then out comes Nipple H, Corporate Kane and Big Show. She asks for cooler heads to prevail and is just generally grating. We then get a long boring stand off for no reason, after which Stephanie is a condescending bitch. Rollins interrupts from the Titantron, thank god. 

Seth says Brock is two steps behind, and he needs to be patient. Heyman calls him a child to a cheap pop. I don't like Heyman as much as a face, but I still love him. Paul tells Triple H either he puts his puppy on a leash, or Brock will fix it, and either way Brock is going to win on Sunday. John "Robocop 3" Cena comes out and tells everyone to shut up. Good to see he could come out and show off his new merchandise tonight. 

Cena recaps the story of the Authority trying to get rid of him, and no one cares. He whines about them trying to break his spirit, but then tells them to keep it up because it keeps his fires burning. Not quite Jim Morrison level poetry, but it'll do. Cena is pretty good here because he's cutting a serious promo. Of course then he makes a horrifically punny joke about how ash sounds like ass and undoes everything. This is why I hate Cena. It's like being a Packer fan. They get your hopes up, and then piss all over them.

Stephanie calls him back and says this is a turning point in Cena's career. He used to be inspirational, but now he's just the guy who lied to everyone and brought the Authority back. This storyline isn't landing with fucking anyone, and it's horrible. Even more horrible given how prominent Triple H's husband is in it. She blames John for the three men getting fired, and I swear I'm about to tune out and go review Shark Tank or some shit.

Seth pipes up calling Cena a loser. Good to know we've turned six with our insults. He says Cena is the only one who doesn't know he's a failure. I know I was sarcastic before, but Seth actually cuts a really good promo here. Cena ruins it with stupid insults and threats, saying he's gonna win blah blah blah. He says we should make the match more interesting. If he wins, Dolph, Rowan and Ryback get their jobs back. Triple H tells John he had a chance and failed, like a big poopy failure. He says he'll give Cena one more chance tonight. If he wins they come back, if he loses he's out of the WWE title match at the Rumble. Who fucking cares? Stephanie talks when she really doesn't need to (the story of her career) as Cena pretends to mull over the decision. Trips says Cena doesn't get to decide. The fans get to decide by voting. This is now not only boring, but convoluted. The crowd is dead too. They care even less than I do. The announcers explain how to download the app to us, as if we were mentally deficient octogenarians. They tell us Daniel Bryan v. Bray Wyatt is next, and then we go to commercial  What a waste of an opening segment. Boring, aimless, ill paced and pointless. Let's hope it gets better from here.

Back from commercial and we get Daniel Bryan v. Bray Wyatt. Daniel Bryan got a bigger reaction than anyone in the opening segment, I want that pointed out. The match goes for a little bit and looks good, but is largely pointless, because it's interrupted by Corporate Kane for seemingly no reason before we cut to commercial.

Commercial note: I am going to see Hot Tub Time Machine 2, and if you're a good person you will too.

Back from commercial, and I guess Kane just wanted to watch. Kind of a dick move having your music play and all while you were finding your seat. Self aggrandize much? The match makes Bray look like a monster, as he shreds Bryan's neck for a good portion of it. Of course we get two commercials during the length of the match, when we couldn't get one to save us from that fucking opening segment. Way to plan your time well WWE. 

They beat the crap out of each other until Kane interferes, yanking Bryan off the apron. Bray Wyatt quickly hits Sister Abigail for the win. Good match with a finish that wasn't too gimmicky and makes sense given that Daniel Bryan and Kane have a big match coming up, but I can't understand for the life of me WHY Daniel Bryan and Kane have a big match coming up. Kane gets in the ring and chokeslams Bryan before beating the shit out of him. I remember when Kane wasn't just the weird ginger who wrestled in a suit.

Bryan sells the neck injury as we're reminded of this stupid voting stipulation with Cena's match. We also get a reminder that some guys old enough to be Dolph Ziggler's father will be showing up, before going to commercial.

Back from commercial, and we get a shot of Triple H pretending to talk on his cell phone. Scott Hall and Kevin Nash come into the shot looking like they could use a Just for Men hair dye endorsement. Shawn Michaels then shows up and gives Trips a hard time about his suit. He tells him he should just bring Cena's friends back. X-Pac comes into frame, and Damien Sandow follows dressed just like him, mimicking him. This is actually awesome, and doesn't get enough time. Miz has to ruin it though by coming in looking none too happy. He demands that Sandow change, before being left hanging by the klique. Fun but stupid, and we get another comercial. Do we have a forty five minute segment coming up that we have to dump commercial after commercial on the first half of the show?

Back from commercial and we get a replay of the opening segment, because three hours is too long for a wrestling show. We get a silent shot of Cena talking to Renee Young for some reason before Byron Saxton announces the legends panel, which I am sure will be super entertaining and not a time waster at all. Hogan comes out first looking exactly as old as he is. Flair is out next, presumably to make Hogan look not quite as old by comparison. Shawn Michaels comes out last, and he seems like a man who is really glad he retired.

The first question Token Byron asks is about John Cena and if he should risk his title shot. None of them have any idea what he's talking about, so they all give one word answers. Flair then says winning the Royal Rumble in 1992 was one of his greatest achievements. He says there is nothing like winning the Royal Rumble. I would shit on this segment for wasting time, but at least they're hyping the Royal Rumble match for once, and doing a decent job of it.

HBK is a typical goofball here, but does a good job of talking up the Royal Rumble, reminding the crowd that it can springboard careers, especially ones like his, into the stratosphere. Hogan talks about the Rumble too, but of course he starts with "Let me tell you something brother" as if Byron had not just asked Hogan to tell him something. Even Hogan does a good job of building the Rumble, but I can never take him seriously because he's constantly talking like a cartoon.

Byron asks them who their picks are too win this year. HBK says Bray Wyatt, Hulk says Shawn is crazy, and Shawn says he's tired of Hogan needling him. HBK and Hulk go back and forth, but Shawn decides he doesn't want to fight Hogan so he sits back down. Hogan says he thinks Daniel Bryan is going to win. When Hulk was informed who Daniel Bryan is, he said "That midget lady with the beard?" Ric Flair picks Dean Ambrose before Big show interrupts and makes his way to the ring. 

Show feigns marvelling over the guys in the ring, before freaking out on the chanting fans. Show is mad none of the legends picked him, but he says it's because they've always been jealous of him. He cuts a decent promo on each of them, before calling them all washed up has beens begging for attention. He says he's ashamed of them, and for the first time in a long time I am actually enjoying Big Show. He says there is no one who can stop him from winning the Rumble. He then asks the three men to get out of his ring and go back to the home. Flair asks if Show is done before taking off his coat. He chops Show and throws a few punches before getting a KO punch for his troubles. 

Hogan and HBK check on him as Big Show tells the fans it was their fault. Roman Reigns then makes his way down to the ring. He's about to start swinging but Show stops him, warning him to get out of the ring before he gets hurt. Reigns isn't interested in leaving though. Instead he starts wailing on Big Show. He clotheslines the monster over the top rope, and celebrates as the crowd cheers. This crowd seems much more favorable to Roman than the last two and this is exactly the kind of segment they should be doing to get Roman over. Stop having him talk backstage and start having him kick ass.

We go to Renee Young who tells Cena that the voting has concluded, and it looks like John will be putting his title shot up for grabs, as if there was any question. Renee tries to paint it like the WWE fans turned their back on John Cena, but it's more that we love Ziggler. Cena cuts a pandering promo we've heard before, and we get another commercial.

Back from break and Bad News Barrett is in the ring. It would be nice if the IC champ could get an entrance, but whatever. Looks like Barrett will be fighting Dean Ambrose. Why? No reason other than to promote the Rumble match, but I'm totally alright with that. They have a good back and forth brawl. Dean has toned down his psycho act, which I appreciate. It was getting a little cartoony there. The match ends when Dean fights out of Wasteland and hits Dirty Deeds for the win, proving that the IC title is cursed by an ancient egyptian mummy demon.

Commercial note: Cripsy M&Ms are back. Dale:1 Satan:0

Back from break, and we get a shot of the announce table, because Vince hates me. They plug the Network. We then get a nice hype video for the Royal Rumble. It's good to see them actually promoting the match itself, but I find myself wondering why the hell they waited until six days before the event. The video is a little long and a little heavy on all the stats, but still good. After the video we get A New Day coming to the ring. Dr. King would be proud. Of course they've made a small change. Now they walk to the ring with microphones, talking like stereotypical black guys the whole time. God this is nauseating. The crowd is clearly with me on this one. We'd find out who their opponents are, but we spent a lot of time on the Royal Rumble hype video and we have to go to commercial.

Commercial note: I would be way more inclined to watch the movie Lucy if they would just name it Matilda 2: The Fuckening.

Back from break, Cesaro and Tyson Kidd are out to fight New Day. Natalya is dancing with Adam Rose, and I don't like seeing that any more than I like seeing her with Tyson. I guess it's better than her farting every time she's on screen.The match is energetic and well paced, if a little short. It ends with a cool spot where Kofi kicks Tyson in the face and rolls up Cesaro for the pin. New Day dances with Rose's raver buddies, and we get a reminder that Cena is fighting for the fate of the human race tonight. We get a teaser for a twenty year old stable before going to commercial.

Back from break, and the NWO comes out... well like 1/4th of the NWO. I don't see Virgil or Buff Bagwell anywhere. It's really sad that X-Pac looks the best out of these three. Nash and Hall look like they're seventy. To be fair, I'm just glad Scott Hall is still alive. He does his typical survey bit, but the crowd isn't as hyped as he's used to and it seems to throw him off. The old guys have a little fun reliving their glory days and getting cheap pops before the Ascension interrupts. Myabe this will actually get them over... I doubt it but maybe.

They say that all they see is three old dogs begging to be put down, and the ascension are the guys to do it. The crowd cares very little. The Ascension died the second WWE designed those stupid shoulder pads. The promo is really bad, duh, and it looks like there's going to be a fight, until JBL interrupts. He takes off his coat and talks shit about the Ascension, which is even stupid when they're making a storyline out of it. JBL announces he's called in Ron Simmons, who comes down to possibly the loudest pop he has ever heard in his career. We get a stare down before the New Age Outlaws come out, and this just got stupid.

The New Age Outlaws are upset they weren't invited to the party. They beat on the Ascension, which is the dumbest thing I think I've seen in a long time.  This is a giant waste of young talent for no purpose whatsoever. It got a cheap pop, but for what? The Ascension are now totally ruined, and no one is going to care about this geriatric nostalgia trip tomorrow This segment really pissed me off. We get told Trips and Stephanie are going to announce Cena's opponent when we come back from break.

Cena's opponent will be Seth Rollins, the Big Show and Kane. You have to be kidding me. I may be done guys. This might be my last review. This is pissing me off, and after the last segment I just don't care anymore. If WWE doesn't, why the fuck should I? The next match is Paige and Natalya versus Summer Rae and Alicia Fox. It sucks less you would think, but isn't helped by the fact that the Bella Mannequins are on commentary. It mercifully ends when Alicia taps to the PTO.

Commercial break: I spent this break trying to collect myself and finish the review, because I'm a professional god dammit!


Back from break and Rusev is in the ring holding his US title high. R-Truth comes down to the ring next... poor R-Truth. Truth is rapping, and Rusev is looking at him like he's made of cheeseburgers, and Rusev hasn't eaten in weeks. The match is shorter than the divas match, and ends when Truth taps to the Accolade. We get a backstage segment with Brock and Seth, and again Seth doesn't show any intimidation, which in and of itself make shim look strong. Of course at the end he HAS to be scared of Lesnar, so it ruins the whole effect. Can WWE not let anyone new get over? Are they trying to tank the company? Am I taking crazy pills?

Back from break and we get the Uso twins in the ring. They're tag team champions... if anyone cares. Looks like Uso #2 is going to be fighting the Miz. The match is exactly the same as the last hundred matches they've had. Do they think we won't notice? It ends when Jey Uso hits a splash for the win. Yippee. Another shot of the shitty, shitty announce team, which doesn't do a lot for my chances of keeping this damn show on my TV. We now get an interview with Hogan pimping Cena, and I am so sick of this shit. If you really want to see these guys so bad, watch an old tape. We don't need ancient relics clogging up air time when WWE is making it hard enough for new guys to get over as it is.

We come back with an announcement that the Ascension will face the "New" Age Outlaws at the Rumble, as if the segment tonight didn't ruin their careers enough. Looks like our main event is about to start. Seth, Big Show and Kane sit in the ring taunting Cena until his music plays. I usually hate handicap matches, and this is a perfect example why. It's uninteresting, and even if they were trying to tell an interesting story, I've seen Cena in this position a million times, it does nothing for me or anyone over the age of 12. The match is slow, plodding, and basic. Every second of it bores me to tears, and from the sounds of it, most of the audience agrees with me. I have seen this a hundred times, and I didn't even enjoy it the first time. 

Mid way through the match Sting appears on the titantron, which has Seth Rollins all worked up for some reason. Sting walks down the ramp. He does the only thing he knows how and distracts Seth Rollins for Cena to get the win. Was anyone even close to being in doubt about how this one would end? I was calling this the second those three guys were fired. Triple H starts screaming like an idiot into the microphone. Brock Lesnar then comes out, making this the kind of clusterfuck I can't stand. He beats up everyone and hits Big Show with the F-5 as the crowd gives a luke warm response. The best thing about this Raw, it didn't go to 10:15.

So, did it suck? A third of it definitely did. The first two hours ranged from good to passable, but as soon as the last hour hit I found myself reaching a new level of pissed off every ten minutes or so. They have buried the Ascension, bored me to death, and spent an hour glorifying men who are too fucking old to be of any use to the company other than a cheap pop. I'm including Sting in that as well. If WWE really gave a damn they would stop spending so much time on washed up nostalgia acts and start building for the future.

I know I am in the minority here, but the last hour of Raw did absolutely nothing for me. I don't like seeing middle aged men pretending to be wrestlers, I don't like watching young talent get buried and treated like a side note, and I don't like seeing things that were already boring in 1999. If this show had ended at the two hour mark, I would probably rate it pretty decently. The last hour was like a torpedo, tanking any hope the show had of making my nice list. 

MVP: I'm actually going to give it to Big Show this week. He did a great job of reviving his character and making himself seem like a monster yet again. He's always had a lot of mic skill and I would love to see him become an announcer or manager. That being said I don't want to see him wrestle anymore. It's getting more and more painful to watch by the week.

Worst in Show: Stephanie fucking McMahon. I despise this woman's on air character, and not in the way I'm supposed to. She belittles talent, and makes them seem smaller than they are. She has to get over on everyone and she very very rarely gets any sort of comeuppance that might make it worth the annoyance. She doesn't get good heat, she gets change the channel heat every time she's out.

Well that's it for this week, and possibly forever. I have to rethink my priorities. Join me next time when Thundercats month continues with Thundercats: Enemy's Pride.

Thundercats: Hammerhand's Revenge

Welcome back to Thundercats month! It's been quite the journey so far. We've seen the rise and fall of New Thundera, the Thundercats teaming up with Mumm-Ra, Wilykit in super sexy slave garb, and Snarf getting punted into a tree. That last part might have been my favorite. What's in store for us this time around when we journey back in time to third Earth in Thundercats: Hammerhand's Revenge? Well... let's just get started.

Issue 1

The first issue of Hammerhand's Revenge begins with samurai warrior and friend to the Thundercats, Hachiman riding on a boat, having a good old fashioned inner monologue about his father deciding to step down and make Hachiman ruler of their people. This doesn't last long, as they are attacked by a much larger ship carrying steampunk pirate vikings. The crew quickly lays waste to Hachiman's friends and kidnaps him. This is where we meet Hammerhand, one of the most intimidating and fearsome looking villains so far. Definitely better than a talking Doberman with an undying thirst for horrible jokes. Anyway, Hammerhand tells Hachiman that he has a lot of reasons for kidnapping him, first of which is sending a ransom note to his father.

Cut to Third Earth where Panthro is working on the Thundertank, and a strange savage woman is swinging from tree to tree Brendan Frasier style. She makes her way to the Thundercats' lair, and hands Panthro a scroll letting him know about Hachiman's plight. Lion-O uses the sword of omens to check out the situation, and recognizes the steam punk pirate vikings as an old foe. The Thundercats quickly decide that they all need to go save their samurai friend, while Snarf bitches the entire time. I'm half way through issue 1 and Snarf has already gotten old in this series.

We go to the giant pirate ship where Hammerhand is explaining to Hachiman that he's been kidnapped because his father raided Hammerhand's islands, leaving them destitute. Given that, I can kind of understand Hammerhand's anger. He says he need the ransom money to take care of his people, and I am having a hard time justifying him being the bad guy here. A ship shows up, and Hammerhand assumes it's Hachiman's father here with the ransom money. It's not not. The new ship opens fire on Hammerhand ship, and a battle ensues. 

Cut to the Thundercats, who are having trouble with their scanning systems. They argue about what it might be for a moment before a flock of griffins swoops down on them. Lion-O is ready to kick ass, but Tygra has to be a wet blanket about it, which gets Lion-O captured. Nice job Tygra. I never liked you anyway. Cheetara looks like she's going to go after him, but Tygra stops her. What a douche. They spend two pages debating what to do, before just continuing forward to Hachiman, assuming Lion-O will be fine on his own. Awesome friends you got there Lion-O.

We end the issue by following Lion-O, who is dropped off in a nest of mystic looking griffins. He asks why he's there, and they give him some cryptic bullshit that doesn't sound like they're throwing him a party.

Issue 2

We begin issue 2 with the Thundercats who are plowing through the forest in their Thundertank, not giving a shit what habitat they destroy.  The read outs start to malfunction before an engine does the same. Wilykit and Wilykat run off too quickly, and after a while Cheetara starts to worrying and goes to find them. Tygra follows after her, and you can just tell Panthro has had it with this shit. Cheetara gets stuck in some quicksand, before we get a shot of Tygra getting tangled up in some very evil looking vines. We then cut back to Panthro, who has unfairly been saddled with Snarf and his obnoxious... Snarfing. 

We cut to the griffins' lair where Lion-O has been locked in one of those dangling cages that all crazy villains seem to have. I wonder if there's a catalog or something I'm not getting. Lion-O tries to grab the sword to check on his friends, but the ghost of Jaga shows up telling him to worry about himself instead of his friends. Lion-O argues, because what the fuck does an omniscient spirit being know?

On another part of the planet Wilykat has lost track of his sister, and is wandering through the woods looking for her. Back at the Thundertank, Panthro has had enough of waiting for the others, and decides he needs to create an electromagnetic induction. Snarf asks him what the fuck that is, which is absolutely a fair question. Panthro rattles off some nonsense science jargon that my seven year old sister in law would question. He then starts working on the tank, and gets it started but fries Snarf in the process... HA!

Cut to Tygra, who is saved from the vines by a magical lightning bolt from nowhere, while Cheetara uses her staff to get herself out of the quicksand, because she's a badass like that. We go back to Wilykat who has found his sister lodged in the trunk of a tree. He pulls her out only to be confronted by Anubis... the forest guardian? I wasn't aware that was part of his lore, but ok. He attacks the Thundercubs, but Tygra and Cheetara show up to fight Anubis and are quickly overwhelmed. He's only slowed down when Panthro shows up in the Thundertank. Anubis tells them that they are trespassing on his land, and within the space of the last page they go from enemies to allies because who needs good writing?

Issue 3

 The third issue begins with Lion-O laying in his cage having a whiny, emo inner monologue about how the leader of the Thundercats would never get captured this way. You're fucking Lion-O! Quit whining and do something! A griffin comes and walks him to their throne room where he meets an angel looking lady with giant wings who we're told is the griffin princess Altaira. I call bullshit. I've seen griffins, and this chick's just an angel that looks like she belongs in a Diablo game. They have a long winded dialogue which basically amounts to Lion-O has to let her do some Vulcan mind meld and see into his heart and dreams so she can assess his motives for being on Third Earth. Lion-O agrees and she gives him a drink that makes him feel strange and disoriented. I'm assuming she's about to date rape the leader of the Thundercats. She doesn't though. Classy lady. Instead we get an uninteresting look into Lion-O's mind that tells us exactly what we already know, Lion-O is awesome.

Back to the Thundercats, who thank Anubis for his help before he disappears back into the forest. The Thundercats take off, discussing battle strategies until they are attacked by a tank belonging to the steam punk pirate vikings. This leads to a tank battle that is nowhere near as awesome as a tank battle should be. It's mostly dialogue. Cheetara wins it by jumping to the bad guys' tank and kicking the shit out of a bunch of them. They yell some shit back and forth, and it looks like they're going to fight hand to hand. We don't get to see that right now though. We go to Lion-O who is begging like a bitch for this princess to let him go. She says she's not sure she should, because he uses technology, and apparently that's evil. Lion-O quickly convinces her not only to let him go, but to let him ride her griffin subjects into battle. That's seriously how this one ends.

Issue 4

We open issue 4 with what basically amounts to a full blown replay of the end of the last issue, only this time it's narrated by Snarf. Imagine my glee. That leads us to the battle where we're still focusing on Snarf for some reason. He claims he's going to fight, but doesn't. The cubs accuse him of being a chicken. Note to the writers of this comic book, we're perfectly willing to accept half an issue of nothing but action. You don't have to come up with a stupid reason to have dialogue blocking half your images. 

At one point Snarf starts giving what's supposed to be an intimidating speech from the top of the Thundertank. The bad guys are scared, but we soon see that it's because Lion-O is riding in behind Snarf on a griffin. That's neither original nor funny. The griffins change the fight for the Thundercats, running off the vikings. This leads to a conversation between Cheetara and the griffin princess, proving that passing the Bechdel test doesn't make your comic good. 

We find out that the vikings are being helped by Mumm-Ra after he saved them the last time the Thundercats destroyed their ship. They also say they're going to let the Thundercats just go now, but it doesn't matter, Hachiman will be dead soon. The last scene in this issue is on the ship where Hachiman is being held captive. Hachiman's fathers' ship shows up with the reward, but Hammerhand gives the order to board the boat and kill everyone anyway. Hachiman is about to escape, but Hammerhand puts a blade to his throat, and that's where we leave off.

Issue 5

We open this issue where the last one left off. Hammerhand is ready to kill Hachiman, but suddenly the man in the crow's nest sees the Thundercats riding griffin's toward them. Yeah, that would make me shit myself too. The viking pirates start firing laser cannons at them, and hit the angel princess. Her griffin falls, but Lion-O saves her, because of course he does. Hammerhand orders his men to kepe firing, but they get hit with a shot from behind. They look to see who's firing, and it's the Thundertank. Apparently Panthro made some modifications. So it went from barely functional tank to working submarine. Pathro is a serious genius level engineer. Why the fuck isn't he running everything?

The Thundertank starts to malfunction, and Pathro says he doesn't have enough air to make it to the surface. Then, wouldn't you know it, a whale uses his blowhole to shoot Panthro up to the top. I'm not kidding, an entire page is devoted to just that happening. The rest of the issue is basically a fight scene. Lion-O gets in over his head with Hammerhand as they exchange way too much dialogue. The griffin princess tries to help him, but he gets the shit knocked out of him anyway. Hammerhand then knocks the princess into the ocean, Lion-O rushes over, but it turns out the Thundertank just happened to be there, so we don't have to worry about any sort of dramatic tension making its way in here. Thank god. 

They wrap up the battle scene way too quickly, but the princess isn't ok She's unconscious. We get some tacked on bullshit about her knowing she might die if she helped, and the griffin people take her back to their lair. The last page is Lion-O visiting the princess, who doesn't wake up at the end. No idea where that's going, but I really hope the next series doesn't pick this story up.

So... how was it? Not fun. Not fun at all, but let's break it down to its parts, and start with the art.

Art

I'm starting with art for two reasons. A. I always begin with art, and 2. it's the only redeeming quality this comic series has. The art is a grittier, darker style that reminds me more of a mature anime than a Thundercats comic, but it really works. It captures the Thundercats in a way I haven't seen before, and makes up some of my favorite art work so far. It gives the whole thing, especially the numerous pointless battle sequences a really cool edge that I think comic book fans will enjoy. It doesn't stray too far from the character models we know and love, so even if you don't like the change it's not jarring. The action is great when it's not being covered up by needless speech bubbles, and the faces are fantastic, not to mention the super intimidating main villain that you don't get to see nearly enough of. Everything about the art is wonderful... if only it were backed up by good writing.

Seriously, how is this guy not in every panel?!

Story

The writing in this series is not awful in and of itself, but it couldn't be farther from a Thundercats comic. Instead of the awesome leader that we've come to know in Lion-O, we get a sniveling little bitch who is held captive for almost three issues before bringing a griffin army to do his dirty work. None of the other characters are much better. It's mostly stilted battle and strategy talk. That is, with the exception of Snarf who is at his most unbearable in this series. He's all over it and he won't shut up. That really drew me away from any decent story this might have had, though I don't think there was much of one. As a reader, I'm not invested in Hachiman's people, or even Hachiman himself that much. I like the Thundercats, and I like Thundera, so why would I want to read a mediocre adventure manga about Hachiman with Thundercats skin slapped on top of it? It's probably not horrible in and of itself, but as a Thundercats comic it misses every single point and leaves me feeling unsatisfied. 

Other problems I have include the fact that the "battle" scenes are so loaded with dialogue and nonsense we don't need that there's very little room for the action they should be showing us, or any real interesting story to get through.There are random mythological creatures with no rhyme or reason. I'll accept the griffins, but Anubis the forest guardian? It's like they're just writing lore salad at some point. One of the biggest issues I have is with pacing. Often you'll get a long drawn out battle sequence in the middle of an issue, only to have the writers jam as much pointless exposition into the last page as possible. It got hard to read at a certain point even if it had been a good story. Things happen too quickly, there's no room for dramatic tension, and there's definitely no room for anything big to land with the reader. Another glaring issue is that the villains have five or six different motivations. All it does is muddy everything and leave the readers feeling confused. I have a feeling they did that just so they could link it back to Mumm-Ra somehow, and further convince us this wasn't a separate comic they drew Thundercats over the top of.

 A nitpicky point I have is spelling. For the first issue they spell everyone's names correctly, but after that they suddenly decide to spell Tygra "Tigra" and Wilykit/Wilykat are spelled Wiley Kit and Wiley Kat. I don't mind if you want to change spelling here and there, but at least be consistent within your own series! Finally.. the filler. There is tons and tons of filler in this series. So much so that I really feel like this story could have been relegated to two issues instead of five. I know it feels like I was leaving stuff out in my descriptions. I wasn't. I gave you all the pertinent information and told you about all the important things that happened. It's all stretched out by meaningless battles and random side plots that don't matter and never return. This is all an extra big disappointment given how much I've loved the other Thundercats story lines under the Wildstorm banner.

Fun Factor

What fun factor? Seriously, I defy you to find anything fun about these comics. The battles are pointless and usually cut off by scenes with tons of lore based dialogue and heavy handed messages about technology. Lion-O's badassery is completely pissed all over, and no one else ends up looking particularly cool or heroic either. It all just sort of wraps itself up with an anti-climax. Every time it's about to get interesting, the writers decide we need two pages of people talking about stuff that doesn't matter and could have been left out. This hurts any fun I might have had from the battles. There's also no tension in this comic, so I just sort of felt like I was going through the motions. There was no emotional involvement on my part, and that's not good for fun factor. If I don't care, it just ends up being boring crap. 

Overall, go ahead and avoid this one. It's not the worst series I've ever read. Not by far, but it's still pretty bad, and it might be the worst Thundercats series I've ever read. Especially avoid it if you're a Thundercats fan. It will just piss you off with how much it deviates from their characters and tone. It's boring, pointless, and really doesn't fit in with the rest of the series under the Wildstorm banner, or anywhere for that matter. 

That's it for this week folks! Join me again next week when Thundercats month continues with the final Thundercats series under the Wildstorm banner, Thundercats: Enemy's Pride.

Did Raw Suck This Week? 1/12/15

Greetings ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another exciting edition of "Dale reviews a weekly three hour wrestling show and almost loses his mind, killing everyone." Sorry that's not right... oh yeah! The name of the segment is "Did Raw Suck This week?" So, let's prove the people who say three hours is too long for wrestling correct, and dive right into Raw!

Quick note: I actually didn't watch the last 5 minutes of NCIS this week. I found that Shark Tank was far more compelling, and to be honest reviewing five minutes of NCIS every week was pissing me off more than reviewing three hours of Raw.

We start the show with a replay of the Authority "firing" Dolph Ziggler, Erik Rowan, and the Ryback. No one buys it this week either. Last week's Raw could have been so much better, if only everything about it was different. Live in the ring, and it looks like Dr. Thuggypants will be the first to come out. Cena's upset that three guys he's never spoken to got fired. He also goes off on Triple H, calling him all kinds of mean names, and barely getting a pop for it. He asks the crowd if they like Dolph Ziggler, and the result is pretty unanimous, they do. He also asks the crowd if they want all three guys back tonight on Raw, and they're even more excited. He tells the Authority the crowd has spoken. That doesn't work Cena. Even when we vote and the numbers are there, they ignore us anyway.

Cena goes on to tell the fans that he wants us to use our voice. He wants us to get on Twitter right now and... sigh... type #AuthoritySucks. Fucking boo. Is that really your plan to get back at them? Mean hashtags? I'm starting to lose my ability to defend John Cena. He then says Trips and Steph are deaf, blind, and stupid, so he has a plan B. Plan B is win the WWE title. Nice John, but how does that get anyone their job back? Oh, because he's going to pull a CM Punk, and go home when he wins the title. This pisses off Triple H and his husband Stephanie enough to bring them out. They mock his proposed hashtag, even pointing out again that it's Cena's fault anyone got fired. She also mocks his plan to take the title home, because god forbid anyone fucking get over while The Authority is around. Words can not express how much I hate their constant belittling of wrestlers and need to get themselves over. 

Triple H says John has no excuses, he warned him that he would fired anyone who joined his Survivor Series team, and John convinced them to anyway. They remind him that the Authority always wins, kind of like Triple H between 2002-2007.  Triple H and Stephanie are like a bad Vaudville act that doesnt want to be funny. They say they didn't want to fire those guys. Trips asks the WWE Universe if they want to see Rowan, Ryback and Ziggler come back. They respond positively, so he asks John how bad HE wants them back. He says he's going to give Cena the chance to be a hero again. If he wins his match tonight they get their jobs back. The match is a lumberjack match with Seth Rollins, and it's next. I smell shenanigans.

What a pointless opening segment. Did they need to spend fifteen minutes pounding the whole "It's Cena's fault" thing down our throats. Fucking boring! Also, mention the fucking Royal Rumble match already! It's two weeks to the pay per view, and the Royal Rumble match hasnt been mentioned on Raw hardly at all! Fuck!

Back from break and we're all set up for the lumberjack match. Seth Rollins comes down with a cocky grin on his face, and the match gets underway. Lumberjack matches are like water levels in video games. They're pointless, boring, and nobody likes them. This one is no exception. They try to make it interesting by having the lumberjacks attack Cena but leave Rollins alone. It doesn't work. I'm sick of seeing these two fight each other on free TV, and I definitely did not ask for the next installment to be a fucking curtain jerking lumberjack match! Not even the wrestlers try. It's the same paint by numbers John Cena match I've seen a hundred times. There's a bunch of pointless near falls, and the match ends when Big Show interferes, hits the KO punch on Cena, and Rollins pins him. It does a good job of making Cena seem vulnerable, but he's still Super Cena. No one believes he is in any actual danger, and even if he was, only twelve year old girls would actually care.

After the match we get a shot of the shitty announce team telling us we're getting a contract signing later, because three hours a week is way too much to have to write interesting material for. They also tell us Daniel Bryan will be here to talk about the Royal Rumble before going to break.

Back from break and Stephanie McMahon is backstage with Dean Ambrose and the Usos. She says she want the Usos to understand that the Authority isn't at fault, John Cena is, you know, in case the Usos missed the fifteen minute opening segment where she said that exact same thing over and over. Stephanie also tells Uso #1 that tonight his wife will compete with her hand tied behind her back... whatever. She also admonishes Ambrose for checking himself out of the hospital last week, and demands he see a psychologist for an evaluation to compete in the Royal Rumble match... this is fucking stupid.

Next scene is Miz and Mizdow. If it weren't for Mizdow, I would hate all of this. Miz isn't very entertaining, and neither is the writing. We go straight from there to the psychologist talking to Dean. He does this weird thing where he puts a clock ont he desk, and Dean looks at it in horror as we fade out. Ha ha? That was a giant waste of a segment. I have no idea what the hell they're doing, but so far the first hour is an absolute embarrassment.

Back from break and A New Day is in the ring, and they'll be facing Tyson Kidd and Antonio Cesaro. The match is fast paced, but almost too fast. There's barely any build up before they start wih the high action. The match ends when New Day hits a double team stomp move on Tyson Kidd and Kofi gets the pin. Good to see all that dancing and clapping has paid off. Another shot of the announce table. This time they inform us that Randy Savage will be the first inductee this year. Good move. We then get a quick Macho Man tribute with a  bunch of superstars doing impressions of him, which is more entertaining than anything I've seen tonight. Of course JBL has to ruin it before we go to commercial, because alcohol. 

Back from break, and we get video of the Indianapolis Colts imitating Ric Flair during their post game celebration. Why? I have no fucking clue. Big Show comes out to cut a promo, much to my dismay. Show says that all men are not created equal. He says he's a giant, so he's at the top of the food chain. He says things come easy for him. He brags about beating Hulk Hogan for the world title, and says it was easy. Of course it's easy to win the title when you have Eric Bischoff writing for you. He calls the crowd losers, which I think is incredibly uncalled for. I don't appreciate his rudeness one bit. It's almost as if he WANTS us to boo him.

The point of Big Show's rambling promo is that he doesn't see Roman Reigns as competition. He says he's gonna knock the Hawaiian Superman clean out. He says Roman Reigns is a loser and so are all of his fans, because transitive property and whatnot. This gets Khal Drogo all pissed off, and he comes down through the crowd. Big Show immediately takes off and heads to the back. Reigns says he doesn't want Big Show's spot, and proceeds to tell Big Show a story about a boy named Roman Reigns who climbed a magic beanstalk and kicked the shit out of a giant. Weird fucking promo that doesn't seem to get the crowd very interested. I can't say I blame them. Roman Reigns has no idea who his character is, and worse yet, neither does the writing staff. Stories about a beanstalk? Are you trying to make him into a Hawaiian version of boring Uncle Sheamus? Luke Harper then comes out because he's got a match with Roman Reigns.

For as new as both these men are to WWE, they actually have a pretty good match together. It's slow at points, but quite good overall. It ends when Reigns hits the spear and gets the pin. Big Show attacks him immediately afterword. He hits the KO punch and walks to the back. The announcers give us a replay of the lumberjack match, because they know no one is masochistic enough to watch all three hours of this crap. We get a shot backstage of Uso #1 talking to his wife before we fade out.

Back from break and we get more of Miz and Mizdow talking about the Golden Globes. Sandow says he has a camera crew set up cameras in Miz's house to record his every waking moment, and he calls it Manhood... seriously guys? Is this the best you could do with these two? Take a damn writing class! We go to the ring where Naomi and Alicia Fox are going to have a match. Naomi's hand is tied behind her back, and it's a divas match so no one cares. It's good for what it is, and ends quickly when Alicia hits her finisher (terribly) for the pin. Afterword we see more of Dean with the psychologist, and he tries his best, but this is horribly written and horribly executed. Nothing about this segment is funny, and it feels like Dean knows it.

Back from break and Brock Lesnar comes out with Paul Heyman. Heyman does what he does best, and obnoxiously segues us into a clip of Brock defeating the Undertaker at last year's Wrestlemania. I have to be honest, I dozed off at the end of the Heyman promo for a couple minutes. That doesn't say a lot about how compelling Raw is. I know what you're thinking, I could have looked up what happened later and just edited it in. I refused to do this for two reasons. A. it would be dishonest, and B. I want you to know that I fell asleep during what used to be one of my favorite shows on TV. I want you to know that fact and understand that it is an obvious indicator of how awful WWE TV has become. Anyway, I wake up to more superstars doing impressions.

We go live where Miz and Mizdow are in the ring. The Usos come down to the ring after, and we find out Jey is going to be fighting Miz. The match is good, but way too short. Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale to win. We cut to a shot of the worst announce team ever, and they tell us the WWE network will be available in the UK and Ireland starting Monday. They then hype Daniel Bryan's appearance before going to commercial.

Back from break and we get a Daniel Bryan introduction that pops the crowd hard. Wrestling Lumberjack Jesus comes down to the ring, and reminds us about the last time he was in New Orleans and he won the WWE title at Wrestlemania. Bryan then proclaims that he will win the Royal Rumble match, and he's going to do it all over again this year. He doesn't care what the Authority has to say. This brings out Stephanie McMahon to ruin the segment.

Stephanie gives him a gift copy of her work out DVD, and then for no reason goes on to congratulate Daniel for becoming an A plus player at Wrestlemania, but then says all she remembers about Daniel Bryan in 2014 is being tombstoned by Kane and needing neck surgery. They replay the clip, and Stephanie feigns concern. She says his inability to stay on top means he's no longer an A plus player. Stephanie's acting is truly awful and over the top here. I can't stand it. She tries to get Daniel to doubt himself, but it doesn't work. This upsets Nipple H, and Bryan takes a cheap shot at her workout DVD. He says she doesn't get him because he had to fight for everything while she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Daniel gets the crowd going really well. You would never know he had abysmal mic work issues when he first showed up.

Stephanie then calls Bryan stupid, and says since he wants to fight so bad he can fight Kane on Smackdown. Fitting return for one of your top wrestlers. Burying him on the B show with an opponent no one cares about. Kane comes down and the two brawl. Kane gets the upperhand and teases a tombstone on the steps, but Bryan reverses it and starts wailing on him. The refs eventually pull him off, but he climbs in the ring only to dive out on top of Kane. The refs finally manage to separate the two wrestlers as the crowd chants for Daniel Bryan. 

Cut to a backstage shot of Seth Rollins gloating about his earlier victory. Of course Brock Lesnar has to show up and ruin the whole thing. They jaw back and forth a bit, and Brock actually does a good job with his limited speaking roll until Heyman steps in and cuts another promo. He is just amazing. I love nothing more than having Paul Heyman try to sell me something. In the end Brock and Seth go their separate ways and the announce team teases the contract signing.

Commercial note: These Popeyes commercials are racist. I don't know how... but I know they're racist.

Back live and we get a match between Paige and Brie, with the other Bella Mannequin at ringside.  I swear to god at this point they just put on these matches to get a chance to mention Total Divas. Natalya is also at rignside, looking fucking gorgeous while Tyson Kidd acts like a douche. It's passable, but too short to matter, and ends when Tyson distracts Paige and Brie gets the quick roll up. After the match Tyson and Natty argue, and Paige slaps Tyson, which is actually kind of awesome, especially considering that it causes Natty to smile.

We get a shot of Cena looking pensive, and the shitty announce team tells us about the contract signing again. They then give us a recap of the ambulance match between Bray Wyatt and Dean Ambrose last week, then we then get an awesomely weird Bray Wyatt promo talking about the Royal Rumble match. (Fucking finally! Twice in one show!) I adore Bray Wyatt. If you didn't know any better, you'd think he's been playing this character in WWE for ten years. He carries himself like a veteran, and clearly has "it". 

Back from break and we get yet another shot of the announce team. They officially announce that Randy Savage will be the first HOF inductee. Very well deserved. It's a shame it took him dying for it to happen, but at least it happened. I'm not going to use a lot of time talking about Randy Savage because countless words have been devoted to his memory since his passing. I'll only say that this induction has been a long time coming. After a clip tribute they tell us that Hulk Hogan will induct him. Very cool.

The Ascension comes out next, and the crowd is dead silent. We get a small in the box promo where they once again compare themselves to the tag teams they're ripping off. They squash a couple jobbers, and no one gives half a shit. JBL must have gotten a memo not to insult the Ascension, so he spends the short match insulting their opponents. Seriously, did they piss in his coffee or something? JBL is insufferable here, and this is one of the many reasons people can't take Raw seriously.

Cut to Dean sitting in the therapists chair, and the therapist laying on the couch crying about his dad, which is the only mildly funny moment these segments have produced. Dean gets his slip signed, insults the therapist, and leaves. The ending was stupid and ruined it. There is nothing more I hate than when WWE writers try to attempt comedy.

Back from break and they tell us they're digging deep into the rogaine alley club for some guest stars next week. Rusev and Lana are in the ring. Lana cuts a promo saying Ryback was supposed to face Rusev tonight, but he got fired. She thanks the Authority for doing this, and John Cena for failing like a typical American. She's pretty lackluster here and her lines feel overly scripted. The crowd chants USA, because they're easily excited rubes. Lana says it won't help them. This is really pointless. I kind of wish I had fallen asleep for this bit. She eventually hands Rusev the mic, and he calls Ryback spineless, saying he deserved to be fired, but we don't deserve Rusev as our US champion. (Oh, is THAT that belt he's always carrying around?) That would have been fine, but they have Rusev continue talking...and it's not good. It's so bad that it brings out Dean Ambrose, and Rusev looks none too happy. They brawl in the ring where Dean gets the upperhand and Rusev throws a temper tanturm as we go to commercial. 

Commercial note: They made the Scorpion King 4. Life is stupid now.

We come back from break, and Ambrose and Rusev are all of a sudden in an impromptu match. These two actually have some charisma together. The match is really good and gets the crowd back into the show, which is odd for a Rusev match. It's cut short when the ref ends the match because of the damage Rusev was doing to Ambrose's injured knee. While Ambrose is pleading his case he gets a superkick to the jaw. They needed a schmozz ending, and they found one that hasn't been over used yet. Well done, though I could have used more match. The final shot before commercial is of Seth Rollins headed to the ring for the contract signing.

Back from break and my favorite people are already in the ring, The Authority! They call out the competitors, starting with Seth Rollins. He seems way too happy for a man who's going to have a match with Brock Lesnar and John Cena. I would shit my pants. Lesnar and Cena both come out to eat up another couple minutes of time on this show that's already too fucking long.

Heyman is the first to talk, which I obviously love. He starts by congratulating Seth Rollins for putting together the scheme to bring back the Authority. Seth tries to smugly take the compliment and run with it, but Heyman stops him because he wasn't finished. He warns Rollins that Brock Lesnar will destroy everything in front of him. He then accuses Seth and the Authority for creating a triple threat so Brock doesn't have to get pinned to lose.

Seth counters by asking if Borck can't handle a triple threat match. Heyman tries to speak, but now Seth said he wasn't finished, which gets quite the reaction. Rollins does a good job of not being scared in the face of Brock Lesnar, and that alone makes him look great to the audience. He signs the contract with vigor, and Lesnar takes the mic from Heyman. He says he's conquered the Undertaker, John Cena, and Triple H, and it won't be any different with Seth. Cena then pipes up and says Brock doesn't have to get pinned to lose, but he will. He then talks some shit to Seth and signs the contract.

Lesnar is the last one to sign before Seth goes on a rant mocking John Cena's plans, saying they always fail, and Seth always seems to be the reason why. Cena attacks Rollins, and it breaks down in a brawl, which ends when Cena puts Lesnar through the table, or so Cena thinks. Seth surprises him with a curb stomp, and then gives Lesnar one for good measure. I will admit, as shitty as the rest of the show was, the ending was really good. It makes Seth look strong and it's shocking without being stupid or over the top. Too bad it was at the end of the show... or not. I guess we'll be back after a preview of the Randy Savage story airing on the WWE network. 

After the preview we come back to ringside, where Cena and Brock are still down, and the Authority is celebrating on the ramp. Three hours and fifteen minutes is too fucking long for a wrestling show. That's how long you want mother fucking pay per views to be, not weekly shows, and never has it been more evident than this week.

So... did it suck?

Abso-fucking-lutely!  This is easily the most boring, pointless, haphazard edition of Raw I've reviewed so far. Let me start with the first problem. Nothing they did was even remotely new or interesting. Even Daniel Bryan's return, which I should be losing my mind over, just ended in a stupid brawl with Kane like I've seen a million times. The comedy was bad, the regular writing was bad, most of the matches were too short and pointless. I honestly think I hated this entire show with the exception of the final segment, and that was definitely not enough to save it. If you can only watch three hours of wrestling this week, watch NXT and spend the other two hours baking cookies or something.

I have to be honest, I was embarrassed by this Raw. There was nothing overly stupid, but the psychologist sketches were cringe inducing, and nothing else on the show was even the slightest bit compelling. They didn't get me interested in any of the matches taking place at the Royal Rumble, and they didn't even TRY to get me excited for the Royal Rumble match itself! It's almost like they want us to forget the match exists. This was three hours of pointless filler that I would gladly take back if I could.

MVP: So hard to choose an MVP on such a terrible show. I'm going to go with Daniel Bryan. Not because he did anything overly interesting, but because he actually mentioned the Royal Rumble, and he seemed to be the one thing all night that got the crowd off their feet. I will also give honorable mention to Dean Ambrose and Rusev for having a match that won the crowd back.

Worst in show: Where the fuck do I start? The announcing was awful, the matches were shit, some of the wrestlers barely gave a damn, and the Authority was busy pissing me off the entire show. With all that said, worst in show this week goes to the WWE writers. This entire script from top to bottom was garbage. I have a feeling the only reason the closing segment was good is because that's the only one Vince cared enough about to demand better. If you ask me what they need to do differently though, it's not something the writers have any control over. If Vince was smart he would cut Raw back to two hours, and stop scripting promos so closely. Bullet points gave us Stone Cold Steve Austin, heavy scripting gives us whatever the fuck Raw was this week.

That's it for Raw, thank god. Make sure to join me on my next adventure when Thundercats month continues with Thundercats: Hammerhand's Revenge!