Did Raw Suck This Week? 1/12/15

Greetings ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another exciting edition of "Dale reviews a weekly three hour wrestling show and almost loses his mind, killing everyone." Sorry that's not right... oh yeah! The name of the segment is "Did Raw Suck This week?" So, let's prove the people who say three hours is too long for wrestling correct, and dive right into Raw!

Quick note: I actually didn't watch the last 5 minutes of NCIS this week. I found that Shark Tank was far more compelling, and to be honest reviewing five minutes of NCIS every week was pissing me off more than reviewing three hours of Raw.

We start the show with a replay of the Authority "firing" Dolph Ziggler, Erik Rowan, and the Ryback. No one buys it this week either. Last week's Raw could have been so much better, if only everything about it was different. Live in the ring, and it looks like Dr. Thuggypants will be the first to come out. Cena's upset that three guys he's never spoken to got fired. He also goes off on Triple H, calling him all kinds of mean names, and barely getting a pop for it. He asks the crowd if they like Dolph Ziggler, and the result is pretty unanimous, they do. He also asks the crowd if they want all three guys back tonight on Raw, and they're even more excited. He tells the Authority the crowd has spoken. That doesn't work Cena. Even when we vote and the numbers are there, they ignore us anyway.

Cena goes on to tell the fans that he wants us to use our voice. He wants us to get on Twitter right now and... sigh... type #AuthoritySucks. Fucking boo. Is that really your plan to get back at them? Mean hashtags? I'm starting to lose my ability to defend John Cena. He then says Trips and Steph are deaf, blind, and stupid, so he has a plan B. Plan B is win the WWE title. Nice John, but how does that get anyone their job back? Oh, because he's going to pull a CM Punk, and go home when he wins the title. This pisses off Triple H and his husband Stephanie enough to bring them out. They mock his proposed hashtag, even pointing out again that it's Cena's fault anyone got fired. She also mocks his plan to take the title home, because god forbid anyone fucking get over while The Authority is around. Words can not express how much I hate their constant belittling of wrestlers and need to get themselves over. 

Triple H says John has no excuses, he warned him that he would fired anyone who joined his Survivor Series team, and John convinced them to anyway. They remind him that the Authority always wins, kind of like Triple H between 2002-2007.  Triple H and Stephanie are like a bad Vaudville act that doesnt want to be funny. They say they didn't want to fire those guys. Trips asks the WWE Universe if they want to see Rowan, Ryback and Ziggler come back. They respond positively, so he asks John how bad HE wants them back. He says he's going to give Cena the chance to be a hero again. If he wins his match tonight they get their jobs back. The match is a lumberjack match with Seth Rollins, and it's next. I smell shenanigans.

What a pointless opening segment. Did they need to spend fifteen minutes pounding the whole "It's Cena's fault" thing down our throats. Fucking boring! Also, mention the fucking Royal Rumble match already! It's two weeks to the pay per view, and the Royal Rumble match hasnt been mentioned on Raw hardly at all! Fuck!

Back from break and we're all set up for the lumberjack match. Seth Rollins comes down with a cocky grin on his face, and the match gets underway. Lumberjack matches are like water levels in video games. They're pointless, boring, and nobody likes them. This one is no exception. They try to make it interesting by having the lumberjacks attack Cena but leave Rollins alone. It doesn't work. I'm sick of seeing these two fight each other on free TV, and I definitely did not ask for the next installment to be a fucking curtain jerking lumberjack match! Not even the wrestlers try. It's the same paint by numbers John Cena match I've seen a hundred times. There's a bunch of pointless near falls, and the match ends when Big Show interferes, hits the KO punch on Cena, and Rollins pins him. It does a good job of making Cena seem vulnerable, but he's still Super Cena. No one believes he is in any actual danger, and even if he was, only twelve year old girls would actually care.

After the match we get a shot of the shitty announce team telling us we're getting a contract signing later, because three hours a week is way too much to have to write interesting material for. They also tell us Daniel Bryan will be here to talk about the Royal Rumble before going to break.

Back from break and Stephanie McMahon is backstage with Dean Ambrose and the Usos. She says she want the Usos to understand that the Authority isn't at fault, John Cena is, you know, in case the Usos missed the fifteen minute opening segment where she said that exact same thing over and over. Stephanie also tells Uso #1 that tonight his wife will compete with her hand tied behind her back... whatever. She also admonishes Ambrose for checking himself out of the hospital last week, and demands he see a psychologist for an evaluation to compete in the Royal Rumble match... this is fucking stupid.

Next scene is Miz and Mizdow. If it weren't for Mizdow, I would hate all of this. Miz isn't very entertaining, and neither is the writing. We go straight from there to the psychologist talking to Dean. He does this weird thing where he puts a clock ont he desk, and Dean looks at it in horror as we fade out. Ha ha? That was a giant waste of a segment. I have no idea what the hell they're doing, but so far the first hour is an absolute embarrassment.

Back from break and A New Day is in the ring, and they'll be facing Tyson Kidd and Antonio Cesaro. The match is fast paced, but almost too fast. There's barely any build up before they start wih the high action. The match ends when New Day hits a double team stomp move on Tyson Kidd and Kofi gets the pin. Good to see all that dancing and clapping has paid off. Another shot of the announce table. This time they inform us that Randy Savage will be the first inductee this year. Good move. We then get a quick Macho Man tribute with a  bunch of superstars doing impressions of him, which is more entertaining than anything I've seen tonight. Of course JBL has to ruin it before we go to commercial, because alcohol. 

Back from break, and we get video of the Indianapolis Colts imitating Ric Flair during their post game celebration. Why? I have no fucking clue. Big Show comes out to cut a promo, much to my dismay. Show says that all men are not created equal. He says he's a giant, so he's at the top of the food chain. He says things come easy for him. He brags about beating Hulk Hogan for the world title, and says it was easy. Of course it's easy to win the title when you have Eric Bischoff writing for you. He calls the crowd losers, which I think is incredibly uncalled for. I don't appreciate his rudeness one bit. It's almost as if he WANTS us to boo him.

The point of Big Show's rambling promo is that he doesn't see Roman Reigns as competition. He says he's gonna knock the Hawaiian Superman clean out. He says Roman Reigns is a loser and so are all of his fans, because transitive property and whatnot. This gets Khal Drogo all pissed off, and he comes down through the crowd. Big Show immediately takes off and heads to the back. Reigns says he doesn't want Big Show's spot, and proceeds to tell Big Show a story about a boy named Roman Reigns who climbed a magic beanstalk and kicked the shit out of a giant. Weird fucking promo that doesn't seem to get the crowd very interested. I can't say I blame them. Roman Reigns has no idea who his character is, and worse yet, neither does the writing staff. Stories about a beanstalk? Are you trying to make him into a Hawaiian version of boring Uncle Sheamus? Luke Harper then comes out because he's got a match with Roman Reigns.

For as new as both these men are to WWE, they actually have a pretty good match together. It's slow at points, but quite good overall. It ends when Reigns hits the spear and gets the pin. Big Show attacks him immediately afterword. He hits the KO punch and walks to the back. The announcers give us a replay of the lumberjack match, because they know no one is masochistic enough to watch all three hours of this crap. We get a shot backstage of Uso #1 talking to his wife before we fade out.

Back from break and we get more of Miz and Mizdow talking about the Golden Globes. Sandow says he has a camera crew set up cameras in Miz's house to record his every waking moment, and he calls it Manhood... seriously guys? Is this the best you could do with these two? Take a damn writing class! We go to the ring where Naomi and Alicia Fox are going to have a match. Naomi's hand is tied behind her back, and it's a divas match so no one cares. It's good for what it is, and ends quickly when Alicia hits her finisher (terribly) for the pin. Afterword we see more of Dean with the psychologist, and he tries his best, but this is horribly written and horribly executed. Nothing about this segment is funny, and it feels like Dean knows it.

Back from break and Brock Lesnar comes out with Paul Heyman. Heyman does what he does best, and obnoxiously segues us into a clip of Brock defeating the Undertaker at last year's Wrestlemania. I have to be honest, I dozed off at the end of the Heyman promo for a couple minutes. That doesn't say a lot about how compelling Raw is. I know what you're thinking, I could have looked up what happened later and just edited it in. I refused to do this for two reasons. A. it would be dishonest, and B. I want you to know that I fell asleep during what used to be one of my favorite shows on TV. I want you to know that fact and understand that it is an obvious indicator of how awful WWE TV has become. Anyway, I wake up to more superstars doing impressions.

We go live where Miz and Mizdow are in the ring. The Usos come down to the ring after, and we find out Jey is going to be fighting Miz. The match is good, but way too short. Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale to win. We cut to a shot of the worst announce team ever, and they tell us the WWE network will be available in the UK and Ireland starting Monday. They then hype Daniel Bryan's appearance before going to commercial.

Back from break and we get a Daniel Bryan introduction that pops the crowd hard. Wrestling Lumberjack Jesus comes down to the ring, and reminds us about the last time he was in New Orleans and he won the WWE title at Wrestlemania. Bryan then proclaims that he will win the Royal Rumble match, and he's going to do it all over again this year. He doesn't care what the Authority has to say. This brings out Stephanie McMahon to ruin the segment.

Stephanie gives him a gift copy of her work out DVD, and then for no reason goes on to congratulate Daniel for becoming an A plus player at Wrestlemania, but then says all she remembers about Daniel Bryan in 2014 is being tombstoned by Kane and needing neck surgery. They replay the clip, and Stephanie feigns concern. She says his inability to stay on top means he's no longer an A plus player. Stephanie's acting is truly awful and over the top here. I can't stand it. She tries to get Daniel to doubt himself, but it doesn't work. This upsets Nipple H, and Bryan takes a cheap shot at her workout DVD. He says she doesn't get him because he had to fight for everything while she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Daniel gets the crowd going really well. You would never know he had abysmal mic work issues when he first showed up.

Stephanie then calls Bryan stupid, and says since he wants to fight so bad he can fight Kane on Smackdown. Fitting return for one of your top wrestlers. Burying him on the B show with an opponent no one cares about. Kane comes down and the two brawl. Kane gets the upperhand and teases a tombstone on the steps, but Bryan reverses it and starts wailing on him. The refs eventually pull him off, but he climbs in the ring only to dive out on top of Kane. The refs finally manage to separate the two wrestlers as the crowd chants for Daniel Bryan. 

Cut to a backstage shot of Seth Rollins gloating about his earlier victory. Of course Brock Lesnar has to show up and ruin the whole thing. They jaw back and forth a bit, and Brock actually does a good job with his limited speaking roll until Heyman steps in and cuts another promo. He is just amazing. I love nothing more than having Paul Heyman try to sell me something. In the end Brock and Seth go their separate ways and the announce team teases the contract signing.

Commercial note: These Popeyes commercials are racist. I don't know how... but I know they're racist.

Back live and we get a match between Paige and Brie, with the other Bella Mannequin at ringside.  I swear to god at this point they just put on these matches to get a chance to mention Total Divas. Natalya is also at rignside, looking fucking gorgeous while Tyson Kidd acts like a douche. It's passable, but too short to matter, and ends when Tyson distracts Paige and Brie gets the quick roll up. After the match Tyson and Natty argue, and Paige slaps Tyson, which is actually kind of awesome, especially considering that it causes Natty to smile.

We get a shot of Cena looking pensive, and the shitty announce team tells us about the contract signing again. They then give us a recap of the ambulance match between Bray Wyatt and Dean Ambrose last week, then we then get an awesomely weird Bray Wyatt promo talking about the Royal Rumble match. (Fucking finally! Twice in one show!) I adore Bray Wyatt. If you didn't know any better, you'd think he's been playing this character in WWE for ten years. He carries himself like a veteran, and clearly has "it". 

Back from break and we get yet another shot of the announce team. They officially announce that Randy Savage will be the first HOF inductee. Very well deserved. It's a shame it took him dying for it to happen, but at least it happened. I'm not going to use a lot of time talking about Randy Savage because countless words have been devoted to his memory since his passing. I'll only say that this induction has been a long time coming. After a clip tribute they tell us that Hulk Hogan will induct him. Very cool.

The Ascension comes out next, and the crowd is dead silent. We get a small in the box promo where they once again compare themselves to the tag teams they're ripping off. They squash a couple jobbers, and no one gives half a shit. JBL must have gotten a memo not to insult the Ascension, so he spends the short match insulting their opponents. Seriously, did they piss in his coffee or something? JBL is insufferable here, and this is one of the many reasons people can't take Raw seriously.

Cut to Dean sitting in the therapists chair, and the therapist laying on the couch crying about his dad, which is the only mildly funny moment these segments have produced. Dean gets his slip signed, insults the therapist, and leaves. The ending was stupid and ruined it. There is nothing more I hate than when WWE writers try to attempt comedy.

Back from break and they tell us they're digging deep into the rogaine alley club for some guest stars next week. Rusev and Lana are in the ring. Lana cuts a promo saying Ryback was supposed to face Rusev tonight, but he got fired. She thanks the Authority for doing this, and John Cena for failing like a typical American. She's pretty lackluster here and her lines feel overly scripted. The crowd chants USA, because they're easily excited rubes. Lana says it won't help them. This is really pointless. I kind of wish I had fallen asleep for this bit. She eventually hands Rusev the mic, and he calls Ryback spineless, saying he deserved to be fired, but we don't deserve Rusev as our US champion. (Oh, is THAT that belt he's always carrying around?) That would have been fine, but they have Rusev continue talking...and it's not good. It's so bad that it brings out Dean Ambrose, and Rusev looks none too happy. They brawl in the ring where Dean gets the upperhand and Rusev throws a temper tanturm as we go to commercial. 

Commercial note: They made the Scorpion King 4. Life is stupid now.

We come back from break, and Ambrose and Rusev are all of a sudden in an impromptu match. These two actually have some charisma together. The match is really good and gets the crowd back into the show, which is odd for a Rusev match. It's cut short when the ref ends the match because of the damage Rusev was doing to Ambrose's injured knee. While Ambrose is pleading his case he gets a superkick to the jaw. They needed a schmozz ending, and they found one that hasn't been over used yet. Well done, though I could have used more match. The final shot before commercial is of Seth Rollins headed to the ring for the contract signing.

Back from break and my favorite people are already in the ring, The Authority! They call out the competitors, starting with Seth Rollins. He seems way too happy for a man who's going to have a match with Brock Lesnar and John Cena. I would shit my pants. Lesnar and Cena both come out to eat up another couple minutes of time on this show that's already too fucking long.

Heyman is the first to talk, which I obviously love. He starts by congratulating Seth Rollins for putting together the scheme to bring back the Authority. Seth tries to smugly take the compliment and run with it, but Heyman stops him because he wasn't finished. He warns Rollins that Brock Lesnar will destroy everything in front of him. He then accuses Seth and the Authority for creating a triple threat so Brock doesn't have to get pinned to lose.

Seth counters by asking if Borck can't handle a triple threat match. Heyman tries to speak, but now Seth said he wasn't finished, which gets quite the reaction. Rollins does a good job of not being scared in the face of Brock Lesnar, and that alone makes him look great to the audience. He signs the contract with vigor, and Lesnar takes the mic from Heyman. He says he's conquered the Undertaker, John Cena, and Triple H, and it won't be any different with Seth. Cena then pipes up and says Brock doesn't have to get pinned to lose, but he will. He then talks some shit to Seth and signs the contract.

Lesnar is the last one to sign before Seth goes on a rant mocking John Cena's plans, saying they always fail, and Seth always seems to be the reason why. Cena attacks Rollins, and it breaks down in a brawl, which ends when Cena puts Lesnar through the table, or so Cena thinks. Seth surprises him with a curb stomp, and then gives Lesnar one for good measure. I will admit, as shitty as the rest of the show was, the ending was really good. It makes Seth look strong and it's shocking without being stupid or over the top. Too bad it was at the end of the show... or not. I guess we'll be back after a preview of the Randy Savage story airing on the WWE network. 

After the preview we come back to ringside, where Cena and Brock are still down, and the Authority is celebrating on the ramp. Three hours and fifteen minutes is too fucking long for a wrestling show. That's how long you want mother fucking pay per views to be, not weekly shows, and never has it been more evident than this week.

So... did it suck?

Abso-fucking-lutely!  This is easily the most boring, pointless, haphazard edition of Raw I've reviewed so far. Let me start with the first problem. Nothing they did was even remotely new or interesting. Even Daniel Bryan's return, which I should be losing my mind over, just ended in a stupid brawl with Kane like I've seen a million times. The comedy was bad, the regular writing was bad, most of the matches were too short and pointless. I honestly think I hated this entire show with the exception of the final segment, and that was definitely not enough to save it. If you can only watch three hours of wrestling this week, watch NXT and spend the other two hours baking cookies or something.

I have to be honest, I was embarrassed by this Raw. There was nothing overly stupid, but the psychologist sketches were cringe inducing, and nothing else on the show was even the slightest bit compelling. They didn't get me interested in any of the matches taking place at the Royal Rumble, and they didn't even TRY to get me excited for the Royal Rumble match itself! It's almost like they want us to forget the match exists. This was three hours of pointless filler that I would gladly take back if I could.

MVP: So hard to choose an MVP on such a terrible show. I'm going to go with Daniel Bryan. Not because he did anything overly interesting, but because he actually mentioned the Royal Rumble, and he seemed to be the one thing all night that got the crowd off their feet. I will also give honorable mention to Dean Ambrose and Rusev for having a match that won the crowd back.

Worst in show: Where the fuck do I start? The announcing was awful, the matches were shit, some of the wrestlers barely gave a damn, and the Authority was busy pissing me off the entire show. With all that said, worst in show this week goes to the WWE writers. This entire script from top to bottom was garbage. I have a feeling the only reason the closing segment was good is because that's the only one Vince cared enough about to demand better. If you ask me what they need to do differently though, it's not something the writers have any control over. If Vince was smart he would cut Raw back to two hours, and stop scripting promos so closely. Bullet points gave us Stone Cold Steve Austin, heavy scripting gives us whatever the fuck Raw was this week.

That's it for Raw, thank god. Make sure to join me on my next adventure when Thundercats month continues with Thundercats: Hammerhand's Revenge!