We start Raw with a tribute montage of Martin Luther King Jr. Let's hope WWE has the foresight not to start the show with A New Day. (Right, Cryme Tyme is the much better choice) And now we get a a montage of all WWE's black main eventers... oooooooh... sorry...
We start the show with Michael Cole telling us that a bunch of old guys half the audience never watched are gonna show up, then we get Brock Lesnar. Paul Heyman starts to talk, but Brock takes the mic from him and says hes here to fight, calling out Seth Rollins. Is Brock Lesnar turning face officially here? He sure seems to be acting like it, insulting Seth and acting like a bad ass and whatnot. Someone comes down, but it ain't Seth, because that would be entertaining. No, it's the King of Kings, the Lord God almighty, Captain Shovelstein himself, Triple H! We then get a replay of Seth Rollins curb stomping everyone last week for some reason.
Trips says he understands Brock's upset about Seth stomping him, but Brock would have done the same thing, so we should all calm down. Brock asks Triple H if he's here to fight, and the crowd erupts as if we haven't seen THAT match too many times already. Then out comes Nipple H, Corporate Kane and Big Show. She asks for cooler heads to prevail and is just generally grating. We then get a long boring stand off for no reason, after which Stephanie is a condescending bitch. Rollins interrupts from the Titantron, thank god.
Seth says Brock is two steps behind, and he needs to be patient. Heyman calls him a child to a cheap pop. I don't like Heyman as much as a face, but I still love him. Paul tells Triple H either he puts his puppy on a leash, or Brock will fix it, and either way Brock is going to win on Sunday. John "Robocop 3" Cena comes out and tells everyone to shut up. Good to see he could come out and show off his new merchandise tonight.
Cena recaps the story of the Authority trying to get rid of him, and no one cares. He whines about them trying to break his spirit, but then tells them to keep it up because it keeps his fires burning. Not quite Jim Morrison level poetry, but it'll do. Cena is pretty good here because he's cutting a serious promo. Of course then he makes a horrifically punny joke about how ash sounds like ass and undoes everything. This is why I hate Cena. It's like being a Packer fan. They get your hopes up, and then piss all over them.
Stephanie calls him back and says this is a turning point in Cena's career. He used to be inspirational, but now he's just the guy who lied to everyone and brought the Authority back. This storyline isn't landing with fucking anyone, and it's horrible. Even more horrible given how prominent Triple H's husband is in it. She blames John for the three men getting fired, and I swear I'm about to tune out and go review Shark Tank or some shit.
Seth pipes up calling Cena a loser. Good to know we've turned six with our insults. He says Cena is the only one who doesn't know he's a failure. I know I was sarcastic before, but Seth actually cuts a really good promo here. Cena ruins it with stupid insults and threats, saying he's gonna win blah blah blah. He says we should make the match more interesting. If he wins, Dolph, Rowan and Ryback get their jobs back. Triple H tells John he had a chance and failed, like a big poopy failure. He says he'll give Cena one more chance tonight. If he wins they come back, if he loses he's out of the WWE title match at the Rumble. Who fucking cares? Stephanie talks when she really doesn't need to (the story of her career) as Cena pretends to mull over the decision. Trips says Cena doesn't get to decide. The fans get to decide by voting. This is now not only boring, but convoluted. The crowd is dead too. They care even less than I do. The announcers explain how to download the app to us, as if we were mentally deficient octogenarians. They tell us Daniel Bryan v. Bray Wyatt is next, and then we go to commercial What a waste of an opening segment. Boring, aimless, ill paced and pointless. Let's hope it gets better from here.
Back from commercial and we get Daniel Bryan v. Bray Wyatt. Daniel Bryan got a bigger reaction than anyone in the opening segment, I want that pointed out. The match goes for a little bit and looks good, but is largely pointless, because it's interrupted by Corporate Kane for seemingly no reason before we cut to commercial.
Commercial note: I am going to see Hot Tub Time Machine 2, and if you're a good person you will too.
Back from commercial, and I guess Kane just wanted to watch. Kind of a dick move having your music play and all while you were finding your seat. Self aggrandize much? The match makes Bray look like a monster, as he shreds Bryan's neck for a good portion of it. Of course we get two commercials during the length of the match, when we couldn't get one to save us from that fucking opening segment. Way to plan your time well WWE.
They beat the crap out of each other until Kane interferes, yanking Bryan off the apron. Bray Wyatt quickly hits Sister Abigail for the win. Good match with a finish that wasn't too gimmicky and makes sense given that Daniel Bryan and Kane have a big match coming up, but I can't understand for the life of me WHY Daniel Bryan and Kane have a big match coming up. Kane gets in the ring and chokeslams Bryan before beating the shit out of him. I remember when Kane wasn't just the weird ginger who wrestled in a suit.
Bryan sells the neck injury as we're reminded of this stupid voting stipulation with Cena's match. We also get a reminder that some guys old enough to be Dolph Ziggler's father will be showing up, before going to commercial.
Back from commercial, and we get a shot of Triple H pretending to talk on his cell phone. Scott Hall and Kevin Nash come into the shot looking like they could use a Just for Men hair dye endorsement. Shawn Michaels then shows up and gives Trips a hard time about his suit. He tells him he should just bring Cena's friends back. X-Pac comes into frame, and Damien Sandow follows dressed just like him, mimicking him. This is actually awesome, and doesn't get enough time. Miz has to ruin it though by coming in looking none too happy. He demands that Sandow change, before being left hanging by the klique. Fun but stupid, and we get another comercial. Do we have a forty five minute segment coming up that we have to dump commercial after commercial on the first half of the show?
Back from commercial and we get a replay of the opening segment, because three hours is too long for a wrestling show. We get a silent shot of Cena talking to Renee Young for some reason before Byron Saxton announces the legends panel, which I am sure will be super entertaining and not a time waster at all. Hogan comes out first looking exactly as old as he is. Flair is out next, presumably to make Hogan look not quite as old by comparison. Shawn Michaels comes out last, and he seems like a man who is really glad he retired.
The first question
HBK is a typical goofball here, but does a good job of talking up the Royal Rumble, reminding the crowd that it can springboard careers, especially ones like his, into the stratosphere. Hogan talks about the Rumble too, but of course he starts with "Let me tell you something brother" as if Byron had not just asked Hogan to tell him something. Even Hogan does a good job of building the Rumble, but I can never take him seriously because he's constantly talking like a cartoon.
Byron asks them who their picks are too win this year. HBK says Bray Wyatt, Hulk says Shawn is crazy, and Shawn says he's tired of Hogan needling him. HBK and Hulk go back and forth, but Shawn decides he doesn't want to fight Hogan so he sits back down. Hogan says he thinks Daniel Bryan is going to win. When Hulk was informed who Daniel Bryan is, he said "That midget lady with the beard?" Ric Flair picks Dean Ambrose before Big show interrupts and makes his way to the ring.
Show feigns marvelling over the guys in the ring, before freaking out on the chanting fans. Show is mad none of the legends picked him, but he says it's because they've always been jealous of him. He cuts a decent promo on each of them, before calling them all washed up has beens begging for attention. He says he's ashamed of them, and for the first time in a long time I am actually enjoying Big Show. He says there is no one who can stop him from winning the Rumble. He then asks the three men to get out of his ring and go back to the home. Flair asks if Show is done before taking off his coat. He chops Show and throws a few punches before getting a KO punch for his troubles.
Hogan and HBK check on him as Big Show tells the fans it was their fault. Roman Reigns then makes his way down to the ring. He's about to start swinging but Show stops him, warning him to get out of the ring before he gets hurt. Reigns isn't interested in leaving though. Instead he starts wailing on Big Show. He clotheslines the monster over the top rope, and celebrates as the crowd cheers. This crowd seems much more favorable to Roman than the last two and this is exactly the kind of segment they should be doing to get Roman over. Stop having him talk backstage and start having him kick ass.
We go to Renee Young who tells Cena that the voting has concluded, and it looks like John will be putting his title shot up for grabs, as if there was any question. Renee tries to paint it like the WWE fans turned their back on John Cena, but it's more that we love Ziggler. Cena cuts a pandering promo we've heard before, and we get another commercial.
Back from break and Bad News Barrett is in the ring. It would be nice if the IC champ could get an entrance, but whatever. Looks like Barrett will be fighting Dean Ambrose. Why? No reason other than to promote the Rumble match, but I'm totally alright with that. They have a good back and forth brawl. Dean has toned down his psycho act, which I appreciate. It was getting a little cartoony there. The match ends when Dean fights out of Wasteland and hits Dirty Deeds for the win, proving that the IC title is cursed by an ancient egyptian mummy demon.
Commercial note: Cripsy M&Ms are back. Dale:1 Satan:0
Back from break, and we get a shot of the announce table, because Vince hates me. They plug the Network. We then get a nice hype video for the Royal Rumble. It's good to see them actually promoting the match itself, but I find myself wondering why the hell they waited until six days before the event. The video is a little long and a little heavy on all the stats, but still good. After the video we get A New Day coming to the ring. Dr. King would be proud. Of course they've made a small change. Now they walk to the ring with microphones, talking like stereotypical black guys the whole time. God this is nauseating. The crowd is clearly with me on this one. We'd find out who their opponents are, but we spent a lot of time on the Royal Rumble hype video and we have to go to commercial.
Commercial note: I would be way more inclined to watch the movie Lucy if they would just name it Matilda 2: The Fuckening.
Back from break, Cesaro and Tyson Kidd are out to fight New Day. Natalya is dancing with Adam Rose, and I don't like seeing that any more than I like seeing her with Tyson. I guess it's better than her farting every time she's on screen.The match is energetic and well paced, if a little short. It ends with a cool spot where Kofi kicks Tyson in the face and rolls up Cesaro for the pin. New Day dances with Rose's raver buddies, and we get a reminder that Cena is fighting for the fate of the human race tonight. We get a teaser for a twenty year old stable before going to commercial.
Back from break, and the NWO comes out... well like 1/4th of the NWO. I don't see Virgil or Buff Bagwell anywhere. It's really sad that X-Pac looks the best out of these three. Nash and Hall look like they're seventy. To be fair, I'm just glad Scott Hall is still alive. He does his typical survey bit, but the crowd isn't as hyped as he's used to and it seems to throw him off. The old guys have a little fun reliving their glory days and getting cheap pops before the Ascension interrupts. Myabe this will actually get them over... I doubt it but maybe.
They say that all they see is three old dogs begging to be put down, and the ascension are the guys to do it. The crowd cares very little. The Ascension died the second WWE designed those stupid shoulder pads. The promo is really bad, duh, and it looks like there's going to be a fight, until JBL interrupts. He takes off his coat and talks shit about the Ascension, which is even stupid when they're making a storyline out of it. JBL announces he's called in Ron Simmons, who comes down to possibly the loudest pop he has ever heard in his career. We get a stare down before the New Age Outlaws come out, and this just got stupid.
The New Age Outlaws are upset they weren't invited to the party. They beat on the Ascension, which is the dumbest thing I think I've seen in a long time. This is a giant waste of young talent for no purpose whatsoever. It got a cheap pop, but for what? The Ascension are now totally ruined, and no one is going to care about this geriatric nostalgia trip tomorrow This segment really pissed me off. We get told Trips and Stephanie are going to announce Cena's opponent when we come back from break.
Cena's opponent will be Seth Rollins, the Big Show and Kane. You have to be kidding me. I may be done guys. This might be my last review. This is pissing me off, and after the last segment I just don't care anymore. If WWE doesn't, why the fuck should I? The next match is Paige and Natalya versus Summer Rae and Alicia Fox. It sucks less you would think, but isn't helped by the fact that the Bella Mannequins are on commentary. It mercifully ends when Alicia taps to the PTO.
Commercial break: I spent this break trying to collect myself and finish the review, because I'm a professional god dammit!
Back from break and Rusev is in the ring holding his US title high. R-Truth comes down to the ring next... poor R-Truth. Truth is rapping, and Rusev is looking at him like he's made of cheeseburgers, and Rusev hasn't eaten in weeks. The match is shorter than the divas match, and ends when Truth taps to the Accolade. We get a backstage segment with Brock and Seth, and again Seth doesn't show any intimidation, which in and of itself make shim look strong. Of course at the end he HAS to be scared of Lesnar, so it ruins the whole effect. Can WWE not let anyone new get over? Are they trying to tank the company? Am I taking crazy pills?
Back from break and we get the Uso twins in the ring. They're tag team champions... if anyone cares. Looks like Uso #2 is going to be fighting the Miz. The match is exactly the same as the last hundred matches they've had. Do they think we won't notice? It ends when Jey Uso hits a splash for the win. Yippee. Another shot of the shitty, shitty announce team, which doesn't do a lot for my chances of keeping this damn show on my TV. We now get an interview with Hogan pimping Cena, and I am so sick of this shit. If you really want to see these guys so bad, watch an old tape. We don't need ancient relics clogging up air time when WWE is making it hard enough for new guys to get over as it is.
We come back with an announcement that the Ascension will face the "New" Age Outlaws at the Rumble, as if the segment tonight didn't ruin their careers enough. Looks like our main event is about to start. Seth, Big Show and Kane sit in the ring taunting Cena until his music plays. I usually hate handicap matches, and this is a perfect example why. It's uninteresting, and even if they were trying to tell an interesting story, I've seen Cena in this position a million times, it does nothing for me or anyone over the age of 12. The match is slow, plodding, and basic. Every second of it bores me to tears, and from the sounds of it, most of the audience agrees with me. I have seen this a hundred times, and I didn't even enjoy it the first time.
Mid way through the match Sting appears on the titantron, which has Seth Rollins all worked up for some reason. Sting walks down the ramp. He does the only thing he knows how and distracts Seth Rollins for Cena to get the win. Was anyone even close to being in doubt about how this one would end? I was calling this the second those three guys were fired. Triple H starts screaming like an idiot into the microphone. Brock Lesnar then comes out, making this the kind of clusterfuck I can't stand. He beats up everyone and hits Big Show with the F-5 as the crowd gives a luke warm response. The best thing about this Raw, it didn't go to 10:15.
So, did it suck? A third of it definitely did. The first two hours ranged from good to passable, but as soon as the last hour hit I found myself reaching a new level of pissed off every ten minutes or so. They have buried the Ascension, bored me to death, and spent an hour glorifying men who are too fucking old to be of any use to the company other than a cheap pop. I'm including Sting in that as well. If WWE really gave a damn they would stop spending so much time on washed up nostalgia acts and start building for the future.
I know I am in the minority here, but the last hour of Raw did absolutely nothing for me. I don't like seeing middle aged men pretending to be wrestlers, I don't like watching young talent get buried and treated like a side note, and I don't like seeing things that were already boring in 1999. If this show had ended at the two hour mark, I would probably rate it pretty decently. The last hour was like a torpedo, tanking any hope the show had of making my nice list.
MVP: I'm actually going to give it to Big Show this week. He did a great job of reviving his character and making himself seem like a monster yet again. He's always had a lot of mic skill and I would love to see him become an announcer or manager. That being said I don't want to see him wrestle anymore. It's getting more and more painful to watch by the week.
Worst in Show: Stephanie fucking McMahon. I despise this woman's on air character, and not in the way I'm supposed to. She belittles talent, and makes them seem smaller than they are. She has to get over on everyone and she very very rarely gets any sort of comeuppance that might make it worth the annoyance. She doesn't get good heat, she gets change the channel heat every time she's out.
Well that's it for this week, and possibly forever. I have to rethink my priorities. Join me next time when Thundercats month continues with Thundercats: Enemy's Pride.
No comments:
Post a Comment