Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another edition of Did Raw Suck This Week?! I have some good news for you! Once again NCIS aired before Raw, and so this week we get the return of my running thoughts during the last 5 minutes of NCIS!
The old guy is talking to the red head from Dumb and Dumber. Swami… Swanson… Samsonite, something like that. Anyway we cut to the dominatrix looking chick from a few weeks ago. She hands some dude a note. I’ll bet it contains Marcellus Wallace’s soul. They try to exchange dialogue, but it’s difficult to do when they let actual monkeys write the script. Woah! Grainy flashback mode! This is awful writing combining with awful editing to create awful… awfulness. Now we’re in an office with the dominatrix. They’re using bullshit computer voodoo to catch criminals. I guess the criminal is on a dock, because that’s where we jump cut to next. The agents sneak onto a boat, and I really hope someone gets shot this week. Note to the people who make TV, walking slowly around a boat to stock music does not equal tension. Guess they missed their man, no one gets shot this week. OH SHIT! Homie’s already got a hole in his head, and he’s sinking to the bottom quick! That’s certainly an abrupt ending. Even more abrupt considering I missed 55 minutes of the show.
Raw kicks off with a replay of the Cutting Edge Peep Show from last week, where Seth Rollins tried to kill Edge, and Cena brought back the Authority. I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to having the Authority back. Cut to live in the ring, and the entire locker room has come out. Cena is the only one with a mic in his hand. Symbolic, no? Super Pope Christ says that the Authority are the ones who called everyone out here, but before they come out, Dr. Thuggypants wants to apologize for bringing them back. YOU ARE NOT FORGIVEN! Cena says Edge’s well being was more important. He says some more stuff, but Triple H interrupts him, quite rudely I might add.
The McMahon/Helmsleys take a minute to smell their own farts as their music dies down. Nipple H tells Cena that the show shouldn’t open on a down note like that. She then panders to the fans in her own special way that makes me want to vomit. This isn’t even a good heel gimmick. They’re never going to get their comeuppance, and all they’re going to do is keep making themselves look good. They do take a moment to make a good point. They’re at least better than Ho-Ho-Hogan. Tripsy McShovel thanks Seth Rollins for helping bring them back. Seth comes out and the crowd doesn’t boo him near as much as they did the Authority. Not a good sign. Triple H says the WWE Universe owe Seth a debt of gratitude. He then reminds us that Cena is taking on Brock Lesnar for the title at the Royal Rumble. Triple H decides to reward Seth by adding him to the mix, and making the match a triple threat match. Seth celebrates here like he won the superbowl.
Stephanie says they also need to thank John Cena for being the one who ultimately brought them back. She says he broke a promise to do that, and he showed us that John Cena knows what’s best for business. New WWE drinking game, every time they say the phrase “best for business” take a shot… of strychnine. Trips promises the rest of the superstars that this is a new era for the Authority. One without bias or agenda, where everyone gets what they deserve. To quote Batty from Fern Gully “Why do I not believe you?” He then announces Dolph will defend his title next against Wade Barrett, which should be fantastic.
Cut to the announce table and Cole tells us that Jerry Lawler will not be joining them tonight, which means I might actually pay attention to the commentary this week. He then tells us Booker T will be filling in… nevermind. They preview a bit, telling us we’re going to get Roman Reigns versus the big Show tonight as well as Ryback versus Seth Rollins. They also remind us that there’s going to be an ambulance match… on free TV… genius booking.
We come back from break, and we have an intercontinental title match between Dolph Ziggler and Wade Barrett. The crowd goes batshit for Ziggler, which should surprise no one. The match is short, with Barrett getting a ton of offense, but Dolph wins with a roll up. Barrett attacks afterword, letting us know that he’s a heel now apparently. He tosses Ziggler around, but Ziggler is bumping like he’s trying to protect himself, rather than bumping like he wants to die.
At the end of the beat down Corporate Kane comes out and says that Triple H failed to mention that this match is 2 out of 3 falls. Barrett gets the second fall quick with Wasteland. The doctors finally come out to check on Ziggler, and we get a commercial.
Ziggler is still selling like a mad man when we come back, but in classic Ziggler fashion he says he can continue. I’m getting sick of this. It worked a few times with Dolph, but that doesn’t mean we need to see it every week. Barrett beats the crap out of Ziggler, as he takes every bit of it and refuses to stay down. These two work very well together. They make the match seem brutal without having to take insane, career threatening bumps. Barrett wins when Ziggler is distracted by Kane and walks into a Bullhammer. good match that looked like a real, brutal fight, and despite the nonsense did not feel overbooked.
We’re told that tonight is John Cena appreciation night, and we’re going to see highlights of his career throughout the show. The first one is a clip we’ve seen a million times. It’s Cena’s debut where he slaps, and then loses to Kurt Angle.
Commercial note: Drawing attention to how annoying your commercial is doesn’t make it less annoying. I’m looking at you, “Hump day” people.
We get a shot of the announce table, which is only slightly less shitty with Booker T in the mix. They send us to a replay of last week when Big Show attacked Reigns, and then Friday on Smackdown when he tried the same thing, but it backfired. We get a backstage interview with Roman Reigns. He says Big Show can expect to fight Superman. Not a metaphor. He actually uses a bunch of Superman catchphrases. He is desperately trying to get himself over here, and has no idea how.
Cut to a weird Bray Wyatt thing where he talks to Dean Ambrose as smoke floats all around him for some reason. whatever weird room you’re in is on fire Bray! Run! He cuts a great promo talking about how he’s going to win the ambulance match. He says the devil is real, and he’s not like the cartoons. He is pain and suffering and he walks beside Bray Wyatt.
Another commercial, after which Michael Cole brags about how Total Divas won a Popsugar poll for best reality show. I’d make a joke about that if it weren’t so sad. The Ascension comes down to the ring next, still dressed like a dollar store Road Warriors knock off. We get a short promo where the long haired one directly references L.O.D. and Demolition, saying they would destroy them both. This is absolutely terrible. They squash a jobber team and nobody cares. I don’t expect them to be around long. This just shows that WWE is so inept, that coming up from NXT is a bad thing for talent at the moment. If I were in NXT I would pray I didn’t get called up until someone with a brain was in charge of creative. They’re never going to get over at his rate, and it definitely doesn’t help that JBL openly buried them over the announce table.
We get a short pre-taped promo from Rusev and Lana telling the United States that we need to mind our own business and respect the customs of others. That’s a good point, so the American audience boos. Back to the ring, and out comes Roman Reigns. Coming down through the crowd like that would bother me. I don’t like being touched. I would constantly be resiting the urge to punch a fan in the face.
Another commercial break, and before the match we get another Cena moment. This time it’s his title win over JBL at Wrestlemania 25. I remember that! That was back before we were all completely sick of John Cena! Good times. The Big Show/Roman Reigns match is much better than their last one, but big Show’s limitations are starting to become painfully obvious. He held onto the top rope for support whenever he was close enough, and he was as slow and plodding as ever. These matches, while not that exciting, are doing a good job of making Roman Reigns look strong. That’s important, but after seeing this all I can think to ask myself is how much longer can Big Show possibly go on?
The match ends when Big Show hits roman with the steel stairs and gets himself disqualified. He then tosses the steps and Reigns into the ring. He goes to strike again, but gets speared by Reigns. The stairs fall on his head, and we get a battle howl from Reigns. There was a cool shot at the end with the stairs sitting on Big Show’s head. Cut to the announce table again, which is happening so often tonight it’s starting to piss me off. They tell us that for the first time ever Raw is airing in India tonight. They recap the opening segment, and remind us that it’s Super Pope Christ appreciation night before we go to commercial.
Commercial note: J.K. Rowling be all like “I got a whole section of Universal Studios dedicated to my books. Stephanie Meyer can eat my poo!” She says poo and not shit because she’s super classy like that.
Back from break and the Bella Mannequins are already in the ring. The beautiful, talented, intelligent wonder known as Natalya comes out without Tyson Kidd. Could a window be opening for ol’ Dale to slip through? Before Natty and the Bella with the boobs can start their match, Paige comes out, and it looks like she’s headed toward the announce table.Great, now in addition to the rest of the remedial announce team, I can listen to Paige sound like she’s chewing on marbles for the whole match. Wait a minute… she’s not announcing! That’s… meh. The announcing still sucks.
The match is short. That’s all there really is to say about it. Paige attacks Brie Bella, which distracts Nikki and allows Natty to get the roll up. Paige then attacks Nikki, and it looks like we’re getting a Paige/Natalya team up. Hey, whatever gets my Natty more screen time.
Cut backstage to Dean ambrose being awesomely crazy. He says all he cares about tonight is kicking the shit out of Bray Wyatt. He promises a brutal, ugly, dangerous match, before giving the camera a pretty rapey glare as it fades out.
After the break the announce team offers their condolences to the friends and family of Stuart Scott. He is definitely someone I will miss. Erik Rowan comes down to the ring wearing his sheep mask… for whatever reason. I’m not even sure what he’s supposed to be now, other than a dirty hillbilly. Coming to the ring next is Luke Harper. I think WWE is lost on what to do with these guys, so they’re just going to have them keep fighting every other week for forever. The WWE Network folks! It’s only 9.99 a month!
We get an announcement that he New Stooges will serve as guest referees for this match. this leads to some stupid, confusing spots during the incredibly short match. Harper hits a big boot and Jamie Noble quick counts for the pin. JBL compares this to bad NFL calls, so we can make this topical I guess. The Stooges then attack Rowan, and the crowd gives no shits.
Another Cena replay. This time it’s the clip of when Cena was drafted to Raw from Smackdown in 2005. Remember when that mattered, and Smackdown wasn’t just Raw recap night?
After a commercial we get a replay of the flying Uso twins beating Miz and Mizdow for the tag titles. Then we get an announcement that there will be a rematch, except Naomi will be teaming with the Usos and Alicia Fox will be teaming with Miz and Mizdow. We get a backstage segment with the two females from that match being catty, because the WWE writers haven’t spoken to a female since they were 14. The girls have a catfight with powder and screaming, ‘cause feminism.
Another shot of the announcers sucking as they segue to yet another replay of the Ambrose/Wyatt feud. I loved it, but I’m sick of seeing it at this point. Not only do they fight every week, we also get a replay of all the times they’ve fought beforehand. It’s quite obvious that WWE can’t, and shouldn’t try to fill three hours every week. Back live, and an ambulance backs into the arena.
Dean Ambrose and Bray Wyatt come to the ring, but immediate brawl their way into the fans. They do a good job of focusing on the ambulance in the early goings, brawling around it and trying to shove each other inside. Booker T at one point really pissed me off by saying Ambrose enjoys the pain. Then why the fuck should we feel any empathy or worry about him?! I don’t even need the announcers to help at this point. I would settle for them getting out of the way of the fucking show.
The rest of the match is a good brawl (just like all their other matches) where the characters both get to shine (just like all their other matches). The real big difference is that in this match they mostly abandoned the hyper violent hardcore style for more story telling with Wyatt working over Ambrose’s knee, and Ambrose trying to fight back and stay on his feet. even when they brawl outside there aren’t a lot of weapons used. They mostly throw each other into stuff, which is safer and provides a change of pace from the rest of their matches.
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There’s one big spot toward the end where Ambrose jumps off the ambulance and puts Bray through a table. Wyatt ends it by hitting Sister Abigail on the concrete and tossing Ambrose into the back of the ambulance.
The announce team reminds us that the Royal Rumble is coming up, and that we can see it for the low low price of 9.99! They kick us to yet another recap of the opening segment before going to commercial.
Back from break and the Superfly twins are on their way down, with the talented Funkadactyl. Out next are Miz and Mizdow with Alicia Fox. Looks like we got us an old fashioned six person intergender tag match… yay? The divas bits are really good, thanks mostly to Naomi being the shit. Miz isn’t quite so entertaining, and is overshadowed once again by Damien Mizdow’s miming. Miz gets the roll-up pin when he shoves Uso #1 toward his wife, and he gets distracted. The match is short, and they very much need to pull the trigger on the Miz/Mizdow feud. This was a waste of time other than we got to see Naomi for thirty seconds.
Ryback comes out next, but then so does Kane. He says he forgot to mention that Ryback’s match tonight will be a handicap match, with him facing both Seth Rollins and Kane. There goes any chance this match had of saving the night. It ends up being fairly entertaining for a handicap match. The bits with Kane and Ryback are unwatchable, but there’s enough Seth Rollins to make it decent, and it’s certainly better than watching Big Show stumble around. The match ends when Rollins hits Ryback with two curbstomps in a row for the pin.
Another commercial, and A New Day are dancing their way down to the ring. Can it be blackface if it’s a group of black men doing it? Anyway, it looks like Big E is going to fight Adam Rose. The match ends quickly when two members of Rose’s Extoic Express attack Big E. Afterword they take off their masks to reveal Tyson Kidd and Antonio Cesaro. Rose commands the rest of his entourage to get into the ring and celebrate.
We get a shot of Triple H and Nipple H backstage talking to the rest of the Authority. We get another shot of the shittiest announce team in America. They pimp and episode of WWE countdown on the Network, and aren’t the least bit interesting while doing it.
When we come back from commercial, the world’s most annoying power couple are headed to the ring. Seriously, I can’t stand Triple H and Stephanie. I find them both annoying, they both do things to undermine the talent, and their on screen presence is a huge detriment to Raw. Now we’re going to get an Authority segment to close out the show. Oh yeah, I’m fucing loving this.
Stephanie talks up Cena before bringing him out, and he looks none too happy. Of course the announcers can’t just shut the fuck up and lt Cena’s face tell the story. They have to talk over his entrance. The Authority feigns more love for Cena, badgering the crowd to cheer. Triple H calls up a replay of last week when Cena was forced to reinstate the Authority. Back live we get more of Triple H and Madam (that reference is flying over a lot of heads, but I’m leaving it in) and it’s awful. Trips talks up Cena some more, before saying that he thinks Cena’s starting to change. Triple H then brings out Ryback, Erik Rowan, and Dolph Ziggler. He tells them they won at Survivor Series, and there were going to be no consequences, but Cena threw that all away. They teases suspending the men, and then walk up the ramp to discuss something amongst themselves. They get to the top before announcing that all three men are fired thanks to John Cena.
A big musical number plays, and confetti comes down, as Cena stands in the ring looking forlorn… or maybe just confused. The only good thing that can be said about the closing segment is that it gives John Cena a new kind of tribulation to overcome, but no one cares. No one believes these men are actually going to be fired, and we’re getting tired of the bait and switch bullshit.
So... did Raw suck?
You bet your ass it did. There were a couple good matches and one or two decent segments, other than that it was garbage. Worst of all it was boring garbage. It wasn’t even so bad it was laughable, it just bored me to tears. I don’t care about the Authority, I don’t care about John Cena and I don’t believe anyone is going to be fired. All of this, and there was zero mention of the actual Royal Rumble match. The booking is ridiculous and haphazard, the writing is either total shit or boring as hell, and no one is being allowed to shine.
MVP: Nobody… that’s not true. I’ll give it to Barrett this week.
Worst of the show: How can choose? I guess I have to say the announcing. It’s absolutely terrible and does everything it can to detract from the show.
That’s it for me this week. I’m going to cleanse my brain and prepare for my next review, Thundercats: The Return. Keep an eye out for that one!
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