A blog dedicated to over-thinking and over-criticizing entertainment. From articles about what factually sucks to odd trends we try to dissect and understand. No medium is safe and no subject is too serious!
Sunday, March 29, 2015
WWE Wrestlemania Preview Podcast
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Wrestlemania 31: The Underwhelmening
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's that time of year again! Time to hang the Lucha Libre masks by the fire, leave out a protein shake and some HGH, and wait for jolly old Saint Vince to bestow upon us the yearly gift that is Wrestlemania. Last year we saw the end of the streak, the birth of the mega star that is Ellis Mbeh, and Daniel Bryan's rise to the top. This year Bray Wyatt tries to make the Undertaker 21-2, Daniel Bryan could win the Intercontinental title, Brock Lesnar could get mad and walk out before the main event, and I'm not even sure Ellis Mbeh is going to be there!
I never get tired of seeing this picture. Sorry Ellis. You know I love you.
Pre-show match: Kidd/Cesaro V. The Usos V. The New Day V. Los Matadores for the tag team titles
Let's get this train rolling right along and start with the tag team title match... which has been bumped to the pre-show. Already not a good start. The tag team titles have slowly been so devalued over the last couple years that it's embarrassing. I know they want to make the Andre the Giant Memorial battle royal a tradition, but battle royals suck. That easily could have been bumped to the pre-show for the sake of the tag titles. I'm really tired of seeing two whole divisions (Tag and Divas divisions) treated like a side note or a joke on a constant basis. It just doesn't make sense when your claim is that the fans are tuning in to see the WWE product rather than one or two wrestlers. That being said I expect this to be a good four way match, and at least everyone involved deserves a spot. All of these wrestlers know how to work a faster style, so they should be able to put in enough interesting spots that people won't be disappointed. I predict that Kidd and Cesaro will still be tag champions at the end of the night.
I also predict we will see a whole lot more of this guy than anyone wants
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
I'm not going to list every competitor in this match, because let's be honest, I would just end up copying and pasting the list from another site, and you don't really care anyway. The bottom line is that it's a battle royal where everyone starts in the ring, so the first 3/4ths of it will inevitably be boring as shit. It'll probably get interesting once we're down to the final four, but other than that I hope they at least have the decency to put it in the middle of the card so we can have a decent bathroom break. If they are smart, either the NXT participant or Damien Mizdow will win... but they're not smart so... I don't know, Ryback?
Cena V. Rusev for the United States title
I am actually looking forward to this match. I know, hang me from the smart mark gallows, but hear me out first. Rusev so far has been judged by most fans based on the shitty booking around him and the fact that he's a "big guy" so he never got a fair shake in the first place. Rusev is more talented than any man his size I have ever seen, and while it's hip to hate Cena and I do it a fair amount, he is a talented worker, and with a decent big man across from him I have a feeling he can deliver a fantastic match full of emotion. Don't pay attention to the fancy moves or highspots. In this match you need to pay attention to the emotion and story telling. That's what will put this one over the top... it could also be a giant, slow ass stink bomb of a match, so don't quote me on any of this. This is another instance where, if they're smart Rusev will win, but they're not smart so I see Cena walking out as your new US champion.
Yes yes, blah blah blah, USA is the best. CUT TO LANA GOD DAMN YOU!
Randy Orton V. Seth Rollins
This might well be the match I am least looking forward to. Not that I don't think it'll be a good match, it very much will. My problem is that I have a feeling Seth is about to start his punishment that he absolutely doesn't deserve. Funny how the victim of revenge porn is the one being punished for it, but I digress. This should be a fantastic match, but Orton winning is going to ruin it for me. If Seth wins, might very well be my favorite match of the night, even despite my boiling hate for Randy Orton. My prediction: Seth loses and no one cares because revenge porn is somehow justified when it happens to a man. Sorry, I feel like I kind of hung on that point, but it's been bothering me for a month now. Seth should continue his trajectory to the top. That's all there is to it.
The Bella Mannequins V Paige and AJ
This match has great potential. That might be all it ends up having though. Let's start with the positives.
Not what I meant! Though that part doesn't hurt.
I am unbelievably glad they didn't try to jam the entire Divas division into one match like they usually do. The Bellas have been steadily improving, AJ is incredibly talented, and Paige is good enough that this COULD be a fantastic match. Now the possible negatives. The Divas matches rarely get enough time to be good. Divas tag matches often fall flat to me because I feel like they don't get trained well enough in how to work a good tag match. Aside from all of that though, these are four Divas that I have noticed occasionally have nights where they just don't show up and their matches are garbage. I very much doubt we'll see that happen here, but it is a possibility to watch out for. I predict another win for the Bellas, because WWE knows who's making them their money.
Intercontinental title ladder match: Daniel Bryan, Bad News Barrett, Dean Ambrose, R-Truth, Stardust, Luke Harper, and Dolph Ziggler participating.
This is your replacement for the Money in the Bank ladder match, and it will probably live up to it. These are seven guys who can really put together a good match, and come up with some innovative spots. Why do I feel like Kofi would much rather be in this match than the pre-show tag match? Anyway, I'm excited for this one, and not because I want to see a serious injury like you sick bastards! The only issue I have is that I feel like Dean Ambrose, Daniel Bryan, Bad News Barrett and Dolph Ziggler have all done enough to earn a more singular, spotlighted match at Wrestlemania, but I'm honestly just going to be thankful they found spots for them at all. The build to it was stupid. The belt stealing gimmick made it seem like an episode of Looney Tunes, and it would have been fine for any other pay per view, but this is
Wrestle-fucking-Mania. Have some respect and gravitas for fuck sake! My prediction: I expect to see some really crazy, show stealing stuff from this match, that everyone forgets about by the time Sting's music plays. Also Daniel Bryan wins.
Bray Wyatt V. The Undertaker
This match... this match... oh lordy this match. The problem with this match is that I haven't the faintest fucking clue how it will go. It could be fantastic, it could be horrible. Bray could win, Taker could win, they could do a schmozz ending, Taker could die in the ring, who the fuck knows? There are even speculations (though they're likely completely unfounded) that Undertaker isn't even going to show up. This is the wildcard for me. I will make one prediction though. Undertaker's entrance will take at least four minutes. I think that's a pretty safe bet.
I know, I know. Just have some patience. He's almost half way done.
Triple H V. Sting
Ah yes. The match being fought because of a company that's been dead for almost fifteen years. There are some people who are really excited about this match, and I will admit, I loved Sting in WCW. I'm just not one to get excited for nostalgia sake. If the match is good, I will praise it thusly, but I have hated the build up so far, and Sting should have never said a word. If this match is good, it is good based solely on the match, because nothing surrounding the match has excited me in the slightest. I just think they're both too old to really make it great. I could be wrong, I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think I'm wrong.
This is the match I wanted to see. Of course we can't now, because time travel is impossible... stupid laws of physics!
WWE Title match: Brock Lesnar V. Roman Reigns
This might be the match I expect the most out of. I have enjoyed Brock Lesnar every single time they've trotted him out this year, and I don't think this will be any different. Roman Reigns may be a little green, but I don't think it's bad enough that it will throw Lesnar off. I see them having a great, fast paced, hard hitting, monster versus monster style match. I have a feeling that they're going to beat the absolute hell out of each other, and Lesnar is going to win. Then Seth Rollins is going to come down, cash in his MITB, win and spend the next however long feuding with Lesnar. That's how I would do it, but I'm just some douchebag typing angry thoughts from behind a computer.
Fuck you Disco Inferno! Don't look at me like that with your judgey eyes! Your gorgeous, judgey eyes...
Not going to lie, I really just wanted to work in a picture of Disco Inferno. So I did. Now we have to ask the big question. What does this Wrestlemania mean for the future of the business? I think first and foremost we will see a harbinger of whether or not really understand what we mean when we say give Divas a chance. We will also see if Vince thinks having the belt on a part time wrestler is working or not. If the title is changing hands soon, I have a feeling it's happening here. The thing I'm most looking forward to seeing is how long they let the NXT wrestler stay in the battle royal. That might not tell us anything, but it might tell us a whole lot more than you think. Those are my thoughts for Wrestlemania this year. Everyone enjoy the show and remember to party responsibly... Or whatever. I'm not your mom.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Send the Girls Out!: What #GiveDivasAChance Means for Wrestling.
September 18, 1956. The smoke filled arena bustles in the middle of Baltimore Maryland. The fans shift in their seats as they watch the Fabulous Moolah and Judy Grable walk to the ring. These two women have fought tooth and nail to survive through a tournament to crown the NWA's first ever women's champion. The air is thick tonight. The crowd knows they're seeing history in the making. The sound of the bell echoes through the arena, and when it rings again, future Hall of Famer The Fabulous Moolah is standing tall with the Women's title in her hands.
For a long time (and often times still today) in the United States women's wrestling was treated like a side show act. They would be brought out infrequently, much like midget wrestlers, to give the crowd something different to watch for a bit. Of course it has evolved over the years. It has been a side show, ignored, used for the purposes of sexual titillation, and treated as a serious sport. You can see it switch between these representations, often depending on how many women are watching the product at any given time. Why does this matter? Well we need to know about the history of women's wrestling if we're going to talk about the future.
If you have been a wrestling fan for any length of time, you know we're just coming out of an era where female wrestlers were treated like sex objects and little more. That ended rather abruptly, and I honestly don't think it's something you'll ever see return, thanks in part to internet porn. I know that sounds crazy, but when you can see virtually anyone you want naked by clicking a link, the fanbase tends to demand less sexualization from other forms of media. The biggest problem with this is that they went from being sex objects, to being largely ignored. Often getting very little time, and being given scripts that seem to have been written for a terrible high school melodrama.
Many of these same problems still plague the women's division, but with the advent of Total Divas, WWE has realized that the Divas can make them plenty of money without putting out swimsuit calendars or competing in bra and panties matches. Thanks to the popularity of Total Divas, we are also seeing the return of something we once thought long lost, the female wrestling fan. There are more women watching professional wrestling now than ever before, and they, along with a good number of male fans, have been crying out for the company to give the Divas a chance to truly entertain us.
While this outcry has been helped by Total Divas, the true catalyst has been the audience watching NXT, and getting to see their women's division treated like a legitimate competition, and often having matches that outshine the men. The fans have gotten a taste, and now we want this same respect and attention given to the Divas on the main show. We want to see them treated like athletes competing for a title, rather than school girls having pathetic, petty feuds where they call each other ugly and steal each other's ring gear.
Now, will professional wrestling always be a male dominated form of entertainment? Probably. Nowhere near as many women aspire to be involved with it. That doesn't mean the women's division should be treated like a joke. Ronda Rousey has proven that women can be marketable commodities in combat sports, and there is no reason professional wrestling can't make the change. It does you no good to have an entire division viewed as a pointless bathroom break filler. It insults the female fans, as well as the intelligence of the male fans who know that women can fight.
How does WWE change the perception of the female performers in their company? It's going to take a lot, but not as much as you might think. It really comes down to one thing, treat them like athletes. They're not girls. They're female competitors fighting for a prize, just like the men. Write for them with that in mind. Promote the talented wrestlers over the pretty faces, and give them enough time to have a decent match. I can think of very few wrestlers, male or female, who could get over with three minutes a week.
We're not asking for much. We're not asking for four Divas matches on every card. We just want one or two really good ones. I honestly thought this whole thing was done. When I watched Lita and Trish Stratus tear down the house in the main event of Raw, I really thought that that was the signal that we were going to see the women's division treated with respect. I thought we would see women in the main event more often going forward. It hasn't happened since, and that was almost a decade ago.
They have the talent. Charlotte Flair, Natalya, Bayley, Sasha Banks, AJ Lee, Naomi, all incredibly talented wrestlers and overall performers. You just have to give them decent writing, and the time to have a good match. WWE has said they heard our pleas to give the Divas a chance, but they seem to think that means we want two 3 minute Divas matches per show instead of one. What we want is to see a women's division we can enjoy watching, and not feel embarrassed to have our friends see when they finally give wrestling a shot.
We can speculate all day on why women have had such trouble wrestling in the United States. Is it misogyny within the business? Is it that they're often not trained as well, or paid as much attention to? Is it because certain fans just don't buy women as wrestlers? It's probably a little of all those things. The one thing I do know is that the time has come for it to end. We as fans now often find ourselves watching NXT just as much for the women as we do the men, and there's no reason the main shows can't be the same way.
I'm not going to pretend I have all the answers, but I do know WWE is taking the wrong approach, and they need to catch up with the times, or they'll be left behind and look like dinosaurs. This is something wrestling fans are all too used to seeing, and we're tired of it. So please, WWE, from me, and every wrestling fan I know, we're begging you to give the Divas a chance.
For a long time (and often times still today) in the United States women's wrestling was treated like a side show act. They would be brought out infrequently, much like midget wrestlers, to give the crowd something different to watch for a bit. Of course it has evolved over the years. It has been a side show, ignored, used for the purposes of sexual titillation, and treated as a serious sport. You can see it switch between these representations, often depending on how many women are watching the product at any given time. Why does this matter? Well we need to know about the history of women's wrestling if we're going to talk about the future.
If you have been a wrestling fan for any length of time, you know we're just coming out of an era where female wrestlers were treated like sex objects and little more. That ended rather abruptly, and I honestly don't think it's something you'll ever see return, thanks in part to internet porn. I know that sounds crazy, but when you can see virtually anyone you want naked by clicking a link, the fanbase tends to demand less sexualization from other forms of media. The biggest problem with this is that they went from being sex objects, to being largely ignored. Often getting very little time, and being given scripts that seem to have been written for a terrible high school melodrama.
Many of these same problems still plague the women's division, but with the advent of Total Divas, WWE has realized that the Divas can make them plenty of money without putting out swimsuit calendars or competing in bra and panties matches. Thanks to the popularity of Total Divas, we are also seeing the return of something we once thought long lost, the female wrestling fan. There are more women watching professional wrestling now than ever before, and they, along with a good number of male fans, have been crying out for the company to give the Divas a chance to truly entertain us.
While this outcry has been helped by Total Divas, the true catalyst has been the audience watching NXT, and getting to see their women's division treated like a legitimate competition, and often having matches that outshine the men. The fans have gotten a taste, and now we want this same respect and attention given to the Divas on the main show. We want to see them treated like athletes competing for a title, rather than school girls having pathetic, petty feuds where they call each other ugly and steal each other's ring gear.
Now, will professional wrestling always be a male dominated form of entertainment? Probably. Nowhere near as many women aspire to be involved with it. That doesn't mean the women's division should be treated like a joke. Ronda Rousey has proven that women can be marketable commodities in combat sports, and there is no reason professional wrestling can't make the change. It does you no good to have an entire division viewed as a pointless bathroom break filler. It insults the female fans, as well as the intelligence of the male fans who know that women can fight.
How does WWE change the perception of the female performers in their company? It's going to take a lot, but not as much as you might think. It really comes down to one thing, treat them like athletes. They're not girls. They're female competitors fighting for a prize, just like the men. Write for them with that in mind. Promote the talented wrestlers over the pretty faces, and give them enough time to have a decent match. I can think of very few wrestlers, male or female, who could get over with three minutes a week.
We're not asking for much. We're not asking for four Divas matches on every card. We just want one or two really good ones. I honestly thought this whole thing was done. When I watched Lita and Trish Stratus tear down the house in the main event of Raw, I really thought that that was the signal that we were going to see the women's division treated with respect. I thought we would see women in the main event more often going forward. It hasn't happened since, and that was almost a decade ago.
They have the talent. Charlotte Flair, Natalya, Bayley, Sasha Banks, AJ Lee, Naomi, all incredibly talented wrestlers and overall performers. You just have to give them decent writing, and the time to have a good match. WWE has said they heard our pleas to give the Divas a chance, but they seem to think that means we want two 3 minute Divas matches per show instead of one. What we want is to see a women's division we can enjoy watching, and not feel embarrassed to have our friends see when they finally give wrestling a shot.
We can speculate all day on why women have had such trouble wrestling in the United States. Is it misogyny within the business? Is it that they're often not trained as well, or paid as much attention to? Is it because certain fans just don't buy women as wrestlers? It's probably a little of all those things. The one thing I do know is that the time has come for it to end. We as fans now often find ourselves watching NXT just as much for the women as we do the men, and there's no reason the main shows can't be the same way.
I'm not going to pretend I have all the answers, but I do know WWE is taking the wrong approach, and they need to catch up with the times, or they'll be left behind and look like dinosaurs. This is something wrestling fans are all too used to seeing, and we're tired of it. So please, WWE, from me, and every wrestling fan I know, we're begging you to give the Divas a chance.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Dale's Bible Review! Genesis 1:1-4:26: The Opening Gambit
Welcome to a brand new series here on Sophisticating Sandwiches. For however long it takes, I will be taking a piece by piece, critical review of the Bible. Yes, I am aware this is probably going to upset people. God I hope so anyway. A negative article about us would really help page views. Anyway, let's do this! Let's review a book I've been avoiding since I was nineteen! We start with the first story, the granddaddy of them all! Creation.
So we start with a rather ham handed introduction to the man I assume our protagonist, God. Do we start with any sort of character establishment? No. First thing we get is this God guy creating pretty much everything. Kind of a mary-sue move if you ask me. You don't need your main character to create all of existence for us to like him. A little character development would be just fine. Instead we get a long winded, description free account of this guy creating everything.
We're already starting out with one big problem. You're creating the entire fucking universe! Describe it to me a little! Show me some mountains rising from a bubbling sea under and orange tinted sky. Show me animals frolicking through the first forests, seeing everything for the first time. Do we get any of that? No. It read more like a text book. First he did this, then he did that, then he did a third thing. The author doesn't seem interested in getting me invested in his story in the slightest.
After being told, at length, about all the amazing things God did, he finally does something interesting and creates people. According to the book he made them in his own image, which is the first piece of character development we get from God... he's a narcissist... what a wonderful protagonist we have. Here's a tip, if you're trying to make a character likeable, maybe making him so obsessed with his own face that he has to make a second sentient being that looks just like him isn't the best way to go. Of course, after doing all this he gives these humans domain over the Earth and takes a nap. How am I supposed to root for this guy?
Once God goes down for his nap, we get a flashback, giving us more detail about what happened when he created humans to apparently be his own personal gardeners. Again, not a good sign for the character we're supposed to like. He creates a man named Adam, and puts him in what's referred to as the Garden of Eden. He tells him basically everything there is his, but he can't eat from this one tree, which seems to me like an incredibly clumsy plot device. No shit he's gonna eat from it. If he wasn't, you wouldn't have said anything.
Anyway, God sees that Adam is lonely, and decides he needs a partner. He shows Adam all the animals, but Adams not interested in any of them, presumably because he's not from Alabama. God then takes one of Adam ribs and creates a woman who they name Eve. After this scene, with again very little description, we're introduced to what I guess is supposed to be our main villain for this particular story. They don't even give him a name, they just call him the serpent, and he is given no motivation. We get no back story, nothing, we just dive right into him convincing Eve to eat from the tree they're not supposed to. It doesn't take long by the way. This character of Eve has no resolve whatsoever apparently. She then convinces Adam to do the same, which is just as easy. Of course God finds out, and punishes them both in what I would consider an unjust manner.
Here we get my real problem with this first story. What little bits of character development God has make him look like an angry, vengeful parent who lays down arbitrary rules just so the humans will break them and he can punish them unfairly. Also, the author refers to the tree as the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If they didn't have this knowledge before, how could they know disobeying this God guy was evil? So far I've been introduced to four characters. Only one of them has had any development, and it's made him look like a horrible person.
After the whole serpent fiasco, we jump forward several years to Adam and Eve's children, Cain and Abel. We don't get to know much about Cain, and we get nothing about Abel. All we're told is that Abel offers up animal meat and God likes that, whereas Cain offers up crops from his fields, and God isn't so into it. Seems kind of picky, but that's not even close to the biggest problem here. We go straight from God accepting Abel's offering, to Cain getting pissed and killing Abel. God sees this right away, because giant mary-sue, and punishes Cain with a curse that he will no longer be able to farm. Then we're told Cain went east with his wife, who just magically appeared out of nowhere, and had some kids. Before the end of the story we're told that Adam and Eve had another child, and Eve rejoiced because this one replaces Abel. That's awful and not how children work.
My impressions of this opening set of stories is not a good one. The writing is stilted and unimaginative, and the characters have nothing to them whatsoever. They're just cardboard stand ins for stuff to happen to. The main character, God, is nothing but an irrational, lazy control freak. I hope it gets better as we go, because this first section is not promising in the slightest. I give Genesis 1:1-4:26 a score of 3/10. It needs to improve greatly if I'm going to enjoy any of this.
Thank you for reading. Make sure to join me next week as I review the story of Noah.
So we start with a rather ham handed introduction to the man I assume our protagonist, God. Do we start with any sort of character establishment? No. First thing we get is this God guy creating pretty much everything. Kind of a mary-sue move if you ask me. You don't need your main character to create all of existence for us to like him. A little character development would be just fine. Instead we get a long winded, description free account of this guy creating everything.
We're already starting out with one big problem. You're creating the entire fucking universe! Describe it to me a little! Show me some mountains rising from a bubbling sea under and orange tinted sky. Show me animals frolicking through the first forests, seeing everything for the first time. Do we get any of that? No. It read more like a text book. First he did this, then he did that, then he did a third thing. The author doesn't seem interested in getting me invested in his story in the slightest.
After being told, at length, about all the amazing things God did, he finally does something interesting and creates people. According to the book he made them in his own image, which is the first piece of character development we get from God... he's a narcissist... what a wonderful protagonist we have. Here's a tip, if you're trying to make a character likeable, maybe making him so obsessed with his own face that he has to make a second sentient being that looks just like him isn't the best way to go. Of course, after doing all this he gives these humans domain over the Earth and takes a nap. How am I supposed to root for this guy?
Once God goes down for his nap, we get a flashback, giving us more detail about what happened when he created humans to apparently be his own personal gardeners. Again, not a good sign for the character we're supposed to like. He creates a man named Adam, and puts him in what's referred to as the Garden of Eden. He tells him basically everything there is his, but he can't eat from this one tree, which seems to me like an incredibly clumsy plot device. No shit he's gonna eat from it. If he wasn't, you wouldn't have said anything.
Anyway, God sees that Adam is lonely, and decides he needs a partner. He shows Adam all the animals, but Adams not interested in any of them, presumably because he's not from Alabama. God then takes one of Adam ribs and creates a woman who they name Eve. After this scene, with again very little description, we're introduced to what I guess is supposed to be our main villain for this particular story. They don't even give him a name, they just call him the serpent, and he is given no motivation. We get no back story, nothing, we just dive right into him convincing Eve to eat from the tree they're not supposed to. It doesn't take long by the way. This character of Eve has no resolve whatsoever apparently. She then convinces Adam to do the same, which is just as easy. Of course God finds out, and punishes them both in what I would consider an unjust manner.
Here we get my real problem with this first story. What little bits of character development God has make him look like an angry, vengeful parent who lays down arbitrary rules just so the humans will break them and he can punish them unfairly. Also, the author refers to the tree as the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If they didn't have this knowledge before, how could they know disobeying this God guy was evil? So far I've been introduced to four characters. Only one of them has had any development, and it's made him look like a horrible person.
After the whole serpent fiasco, we jump forward several years to Adam and Eve's children, Cain and Abel. We don't get to know much about Cain, and we get nothing about Abel. All we're told is that Abel offers up animal meat and God likes that, whereas Cain offers up crops from his fields, and God isn't so into it. Seems kind of picky, but that's not even close to the biggest problem here. We go straight from God accepting Abel's offering, to Cain getting pissed and killing Abel. God sees this right away, because giant mary-sue, and punishes Cain with a curse that he will no longer be able to farm. Then we're told Cain went east with his wife, who just magically appeared out of nowhere, and had some kids. Before the end of the story we're told that Adam and Eve had another child, and Eve rejoiced because this one replaces Abel. That's awful and not how children work.
My impressions of this opening set of stories is not a good one. The writing is stilted and unimaginative, and the characters have nothing to them whatsoever. They're just cardboard stand ins for stuff to happen to. The main character, God, is nothing but an irrational, lazy control freak. I hope it gets better as we go, because this first section is not promising in the slightest. I give Genesis 1:1-4:26 a score of 3/10. It needs to improve greatly if I'm going to enjoy any of this.
Thank you for reading. Make sure to join me next week as I review the story of Noah.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Did Raw Suck This Week? 3/9/15
Welcome to another edition of did Raw Suck This Week? I, as always, am your host, Dale Curtis, and we are three weeks away from Wrestlemania! What does this mean for the landscape of the WWE? Fuck if we know! Vince Russo booked the whole show five minutes ago on a napkin! Good luck, fuckers!
We open Raw with Randy Orton, and I'm already bored to shit. Good luck getting through this opening segment without me falling asleep. The rest of the Authority is in the ring applauding him as he walks down to the ring. Kane says they wanted to praise Orton in public to show everyone that he really is part of the Authority. Big Show then takes the mic, and gets no respect from the fans. Rather this segment gets no love, because it's fucking boring. All I can think about is whether or not Big Show stole my beard dye.
Jamie Noble gets to talk next! He starts to say nice things, but then yells that Orton is a no good snake who can't be trusted. Rollins is then a dick while assuring Orton that Jamie is happy to have him back. Joey Mercury doesn't seem so thrilled. Neither am I, but no one gives a shit about that, do they? Seth talks some more, trying to save the segment. It doesn't work. Not for lack of trying. Seth is great, but this segment is stupid and pointless. Is boring heat a thing they're TRYING to get now? Seth makes me laugh when he insults the Big Show. I think Seth is one of the biggest future stars on the roster.
Seth and Orton shake hands before Seth demands that the crowd stand and pay respect to Orton. They do, because the Authority are the only people who haven't realized that Randy Orton is a face now. Orton thanks them for the kind words, before asking what happened to the Authority. They've become a bunch of ass kissers. He goes down the line reprimanding each one for going soft, skipping Joey Mercury, which gets a genuine laugh. Orton is actually really good here. I dare say he's the best part of the segment. My main criticism of Orton was that he got lazy, but he seems to be really trying here. He tears into Seth Rollins, threatening to rip him apart. He then insists he's just screwing around, which is stupid. Seth takes the mic again for a bit, hyping up the main event before bringing the Authority in for a group hug/in unison catchphrase moment. I reiterate... stupid.
The announcers let us know Wiz Khalifa will be the special guest star for tonight. I'd say something sarcastic right now, but Wiz Khalifa doesn't even deserve my sarcasm. Daniel Bryan comes down to the ring sporting a ponytail, which actually looks good on him. They tell us he'll be facing Bad News Barrett before sending us to commercial.
Back from break, and Wade Barrett has a fucking twelve pack. Redonkulus. R-Truth is on commentary for the match, but it's crazy R-Truth, so I totally approve. The match is awesome, as you would expect from Daniel Bryan and Wade Barrett. They have a real interesting chemistry. The match is slower paced, but they use that to its benefit, telling a slower paced story and really drawing the fans in. It would have had much more impact if we didn't keep cutting away to R-Truth, and if we didn't have a commercial in the middle of the match.
The match ends quickly after the commercial when Daniel Bryan hits the flying knee. I wish they had given them more time. I could watch these two go for months. Daniel celebrates in the ring, but gets hit with a surprise bullhammer. Barrett then yells at Truth before making his way to the back. Before he can get up the ramp, Dean Ambrose comes down and lays him out with a clothesline, sending us to commercial.
Back from break and we're getting Ambrose versus Stardust, who is currently in possession of Wade Barrett's Intercontinental title. It's worth noting that R-Truth is still on commentary. It's also worth noting that he's wearing out his welcome. The match itself is fast paced and innovative, but it also has a commercial break. This is something that's starting to bug me. You wouldn't see UFC do that. Why does WWE want to send the message that the matches aren't important enough to air? The match ends when Ambrose hits Dirty Deeds for the pin.
After the match Dean takes the belt, but Barrett attacks him. Bryan comes out to attack Barrett, and Luke Harper follows close behind. Dolph is out next, and it is officially a clusterfuck. During the fracas, R-Truth sneaks in and grabs the IC title, putting it in a potato sack before going back to the announce table. Wade Barrett ends up on top of the in ring confrontation, and gets mad when he can't find the title. He goes after Truth, who gives him a potato sack, but it doesn't have the belt in it. Instead it has a toy replica. So we're supposed to believe Wade Barrett has no idea how much the belt weighs?
To the announce table, and they're unbearable for a few minutes before announcing the next hall of fame inductee, and first recipient of the newly minted Warrior award for inspirational people, Connor the Crusher. Great, I'm going to cry now. Awesome. Thanks WWE. I'm not supposed to cry while watching wrestling! In all seriousness, this is really awesome. Connor has become somewhat of a mascot for the WWE's make a wish efforts. It's really a beautiful story, and I love that he will be forever immortalized in the hall of fame. So cool. By the way, I was right, I cried like a baby. Fuck you WWE. Fuck you.
Back from break, and Paul Heyman is here to ruin any good feelings you had left over from the Connor the Crusher segment. Heyman doesn't say much at first, he just kicks us to a video. It's a tribute package to Roman Reigns. It's very well done, as we've come to expect from the WWE editing team. Once the video is done, Heyman introduces Brock Lesnar in the way only he can. Goosebumps.
The green onion alien walks down to the ring, and Heyman calls the Roman Reigns video propaganda. He mocks the video, and Roman Reigns' rise to the top. He says the truth is that Roman's father used to make him fight football players, and his uncle made him fight muscle heads. It's a weird promo, but Heyman is always great, and this is no exception. He says Brock will kill anyone who tries to screw him. Seems a little extreme... also illegal. He promises an epic ass kicking, before his mic malfunctions again. Heyman plays it off like someone in the back is cutting him off, and challenges anyone to take a shot at Brock Lesnar, even saying if Brock wins he might unify the WWE and UFC titles. Doubtful. Maybe even go beat the crap out of Floyd Mayweather. I told you it was weird. He says the title no longer belongs to WWE. It belongs to Brock Lesnar.
Heyman is his typical awesome manic self, selling both Brock and Roman Reigns very well. Every time he's in the ring I get worried he's going to burst a vein in his head. His intensity is better than most wrestlers. They stare at the Wrestlemania sign for a little bit as the announcers talk over everything and ruin it. We cut to a Bray Wyatt promo where he's staring at the urn, angry that Taker hasn't shown up yet. It's short and sends us to a commercial.
Back from break and we get a replay of Kane and Ryback butting heads on Smackdown. After which we see Big Show and Kane waiting in the ring. Rowan and Ryback come out to face them. This should be... unnecessary... and bad. Ok, so it's not as bad as I expect. It's not good, but it's not bad either. The pace is fast enough with the tag format that it doesn't get too boring. It's just formulaic, not needed, and the crowd is dead. Luckily it's short, and ends when Big Show accidentally punches Kane... again. Are we really doing this storyline? The writing staff is barely trying at this point. After the match Kane yells at Big Show, who seems less than remorseful. This brings out Stephanie McMahon, because god forbid she skip an episode.
She makes Kane and Big Show seem small as she yells at them, which is SO counter productive, but I've spent enough time ranting about Stephanie McMahon's awfulness. She sends them both packing so they can think about what they've done. If someone doesn't stab Stephanie at the end of all this, it won't be a big enough pay off. The announcers show us Miz's erectile dysfunction bit again, which wasn't funny last week, and surprise surprise, isn't funny now. I said it before and I'll say it again, they waited too long to pull the trigger on the Miz/Sandow feud. We get a segment backstage with Miz trying to convince Wiz Khalifa to do an album with him. Wiz says no, because he already signed Wizdow. Sandow is dressed as Wiz, which I'm pretty sure is blackface even without the paint. He raps... I think. It's not good, but it's funny. Miz walks off mad, and Wiz can't even make eye contact with the camera man after that.
Back from break and Lilian Garcia brings out Wiz Khalifa. The reaction is as mild as it always is for guest musical stars. Wiz "raps" if you can call it that. I am a huge fan of rap. This is atrocious. Seriously, this is horrible, the crowd hates it, I hate it, pretty sure even Wiz hates it. Of course there's no way of knowing. He's an idiot. This segment goes on way the hell too long. I can't describe to you how much I am fucking hating this segment. They can't even cut to a shot of the crowd where anyone is paying attention. I can't believe I am saying this, but I wish they would have just made the Kane/Big Show tag match ten minutes longer. It would be less painful. Sandow comes out at the end, which is the only thing that saves him.
The announce team shows us a replay of last week when Brie interfered in Paige and Nikki's match. Then AJ returned, and most of the WWE Universe came simultaneously. It happens from time to time. Nothing to be alarmed about. We then get a shot of AJ and Paige walking down the hall as we go to commercial.
Back from commercial, and the Bella Mannequins are watching their bit from the Flintstones movie before being interviewed about it... for some reason. They make fun of Paige and AJ, using Flintstones references the whole time. It made me wish Wiz Khalifa was still rapping. Ok that's an exaggeration, but not much of one.
Next is a match between Summer Rae and AJ. It's ok, but it's basically AJ wrestling a broom. I take that back. A broom would probably be less problematic and annoying. This would really be much better if it were anyone but Summer in there with her. I can not emphasize enough how much Summer needs to not be a "wrestler" anymore. The match is mercifully short, and ends when Summer taps to the black widow submission. Someone has a "Free Super Dave" sign. I don't know what that means, but I am all for it.
Back from commercial and we get a video from Sting, which is well produced. The voice talking over it is clearly not Sting though. You guys really couldn't get Sting in to do the voice over? Other than that it's a well done video for a match I have no interest in. This is actually the first segment they've had for this feud that has even given me the slightest bit of enjoyment, so kudos for that.
After the video, the announcers talk about it. You'd think they would learn to stop letting them do that. We get a shot of Rusev walking down the hall, but he runs into John Cena. Cena cuts a stupid, sappy U.S.A. promo. It is horrible. It sounds like a fucking Fox news promo. Cena says if Rusev says anything about the country he happened to be born in, he'll commit unsanctioned assault. Way to be a star Cena.
Back from break and Rusev comes down to the ring. I wonder if he'll say something about America. Just kidding, I don't wonder that at all. Turns out Rusev is getting a match against Curtis Axel, because something happened on Smackdown. Jesus, it's like they want us to watch Smackdown or something. Rusev attacks him before the bell rings, and the match is barely worth talking about. Another squash, Axel taps to the Accolade, and Axelmania is running wild. After the match Rusev tells Lana to get a mic, but she protests, so he gets it himself. He talks some shit about America, and Dr. Johnny McThugpants comes out looking none too happy. RoboCena attacks, and locks him in the STF. He refuses to let go until Rusev passes out. The easily pleased crowd pops for this.
Cena grabs a bottle of water and pours it on Rusev, reviving him just so he can lock it on again. Rusev taps this time, which is absolutely ridiculous. Lana begs Cena to let him go before giving him the title match at Mania. Cena lets go when the magic words are said, and smiles his creepy, Terminator smile. Did anyone doubt for a second there would be a rematch? I'd like to think wrestling fans are smarter than that, but a lot of us aren't. We get another short Bray Wyatt promo where he stares at the urn before commercial.
Back from break and the doctors are checking out Rusev, who is ranting in Russian. Out to the ring where a New Day is dancing and clapping. That's their character, I don't know what you're expecting. We get a small in the box promo where they talk like stereotypical black guys. Out next are Cesaro, Tyson Kidd and Natalya. I love the three of these people together. It's a weird perfect trifecta.
The match is fairly standard, but Cesaro and Kidd really shine. They make a great cheating tag team. Woods and Big E hold their own, but I couldn't possibly care less about them. They have no character and aren't connecting with anyone. The match ends when Kidd almost runs into Natalya, and gets distracted long enough for Woods to get the roll up. Before much celebrating can be done, the Flying Uso twins bring Naomi down to the ring for her one on one match with Natalya.
Back from commercial, and the match is already underway. This match is far better and more interesting than the earlier Divas match. I love both these women. It's too short, and ends when Naomi hits the rearview. Afterward Tyson and Natalya argue. Los Matadores come down as Natalya is walking back. Were they running short and needed to jam three matches in quick? They're down to have a match with the Usos.
The match is fast paced and entertaining, but once again we get a mid match commercial. Something must have run long *cough*WizKhalifa*cough* because the pacing for this last hour of Raw has been ridiculously quick. They're not giving me time to enjoy or digest anything. I enjoy the tag match very much though. They hit some interesting spots, the pacing is nice. The only problem is the crowd doesn't care about Los Matadores. It's also hard for the crowd to get into a face v face match. It ends when Matador #1 shoves Uso #2 into El Torito and gets the roll up off the rebound.
Next we get a recap of the opening segment, because three hours is a stupid amount of time. Take it back to two, and maybe you won't have to spend an hour recapping things. We then get a segment with Seth Rollins telling the New Stooges they need to trust him, and they need to trust Randy Orton. They have a bad feeling about it, but Seth is confident.
Back from break and we get an in ring Bray Wyatt promo, which is always better than the pretapes. This one is no exception. It is once again almost nonsensical, but that's fantastic. Bray Wyatt is great in his character. He hurls several threats at Taker, and I'm realizing what a shame it is that Brock beat Taker last year and not Bray Wyatt. The urn sits in the middle of the ring during the promo, on a strange purple platform. Bray stops talking and opens the Urn, looking inside. He says it's empty, but it suddenly starts smoking. The lights flash, and Brays gets as excited as the crowd does. Lightning graphics flash, and then the gong sounds, causing the crowd to lose their shit. The lights go out. A spot light come son, and Bray's rocking chair is sitting in the middle of the ring. Bray sells it like a champ. It ends with a rest in Piece soundbite playing over the PA system, and Bray's chair randomly getting struck by lightning and starting on fire as Wyatt laughs in the background. Strong visuals and a compelling segment. Very different from what we're used to.
Another break and we get two recaps in a row. One of the segment we just watched, and another of the Cena/Rusev segment. Seriously guys... two hours. Roman Reigns heads down to the ring next for his handicap match with Orton and Rollins. It's good for a handicap match, but it's clearly set up less to be a match, and more for the shenanigans between Orton and the rest of the Authority. One thing I do notice is Roman Reigs getting very little reaction. This is not a good sign. Back to the match, and surprise surprise, Orton turns on Seth, refusing to tag him, before flipping the double bird. Reigns spears Rollins for the pin.
After the match Orton gets into the ring and yell sat Seth for not thinking he could do something like that. Orton beats the crap out of him outside the ring. Both men do a really good job of selling the whole thing. I'm quite impressed. The beat down is vicious, but a little slow, and I don't buy that it takes anyone this long to help. I know he sent the Stooges away, and Kane and Big Show are gone, but at least get some refs out there to pretend to try to stop it. That's my only real complaint. otherwise it's a solid segment that's actually got me interested in a Randy Orton match. Crazy. I lied, I do have one other complaint. Seth Rollins has been made to look incredibly weak since Orton came back, and this is no exception. It would have been much smarter if it turns out Stephanie throwing Show and Kane out was fake, and they came out to destroy Orton. That's me playing fantasy booker now though. It ends with an RKO on the announce table.
So... did it suck? No. It came close though. There were some really awful segments, but they were saved by a few really great segments. The beat down at the end went too long and the opening segment was terrible. I might rank this one higher if those things weren't the case, but they are. This show gets the mediocre stamp.
MVP: Bray Wyatt by a mile. That segment was brilliant, and only he could have sold it so well.
Worst in show: Wiz Khalifa Wiz Khalifa and more Wiz Khalifa. It went too long, and it sucked. There is nothing on this show or last week's show that compares to Wiz Khalifa's shittiness.
That's it for another week fans. Remember, it's just a show. Enjoy it.
We open Raw with Randy Orton, and I'm already bored to shit. Good luck getting through this opening segment without me falling asleep. The rest of the Authority is in the ring applauding him as he walks down to the ring. Kane says they wanted to praise Orton in public to show everyone that he really is part of the Authority. Big Show then takes the mic, and gets no respect from the fans. Rather this segment gets no love, because it's fucking boring. All I can think about is whether or not Big Show stole my beard dye.
Jamie Noble gets to talk next! He starts to say nice things, but then yells that Orton is a no good snake who can't be trusted. Rollins is then a dick while assuring Orton that Jamie is happy to have him back. Joey Mercury doesn't seem so thrilled. Neither am I, but no one gives a shit about that, do they? Seth talks some more, trying to save the segment. It doesn't work. Not for lack of trying. Seth is great, but this segment is stupid and pointless. Is boring heat a thing they're TRYING to get now? Seth makes me laugh when he insults the Big Show. I think Seth is one of the biggest future stars on the roster.
Seth and Orton shake hands before Seth demands that the crowd stand and pay respect to Orton. They do, because the Authority are the only people who haven't realized that Randy Orton is a face now. Orton thanks them for the kind words, before asking what happened to the Authority. They've become a bunch of ass kissers. He goes down the line reprimanding each one for going soft, skipping Joey Mercury, which gets a genuine laugh. Orton is actually really good here. I dare say he's the best part of the segment. My main criticism of Orton was that he got lazy, but he seems to be really trying here. He tears into Seth Rollins, threatening to rip him apart. He then insists he's just screwing around, which is stupid. Seth takes the mic again for a bit, hyping up the main event before bringing the Authority in for a group hug/in unison catchphrase moment. I reiterate... stupid.
The announcers let us know Wiz Khalifa will be the special guest star for tonight. I'd say something sarcastic right now, but Wiz Khalifa doesn't even deserve my sarcasm. Daniel Bryan comes down to the ring sporting a ponytail, which actually looks good on him. They tell us he'll be facing Bad News Barrett before sending us to commercial.
Back from break, and Wade Barrett has a fucking twelve pack. Redonkulus. R-Truth is on commentary for the match, but it's crazy R-Truth, so I totally approve. The match is awesome, as you would expect from Daniel Bryan and Wade Barrett. They have a real interesting chemistry. The match is slower paced, but they use that to its benefit, telling a slower paced story and really drawing the fans in. It would have had much more impact if we didn't keep cutting away to R-Truth, and if we didn't have a commercial in the middle of the match.
The match ends quickly after the commercial when Daniel Bryan hits the flying knee. I wish they had given them more time. I could watch these two go for months. Daniel celebrates in the ring, but gets hit with a surprise bullhammer. Barrett then yells at Truth before making his way to the back. Before he can get up the ramp, Dean Ambrose comes down and lays him out with a clothesline, sending us to commercial.
Back from break and we're getting Ambrose versus Stardust, who is currently in possession of Wade Barrett's Intercontinental title. It's worth noting that R-Truth is still on commentary. It's also worth noting that he's wearing out his welcome. The match itself is fast paced and innovative, but it also has a commercial break. This is something that's starting to bug me. You wouldn't see UFC do that. Why does WWE want to send the message that the matches aren't important enough to air? The match ends when Ambrose hits Dirty Deeds for the pin.
After the match Dean takes the belt, but Barrett attacks him. Bryan comes out to attack Barrett, and Luke Harper follows close behind. Dolph is out next, and it is officially a clusterfuck. During the fracas, R-Truth sneaks in and grabs the IC title, putting it in a potato sack before going back to the announce table. Wade Barrett ends up on top of the in ring confrontation, and gets mad when he can't find the title. He goes after Truth, who gives him a potato sack, but it doesn't have the belt in it. Instead it has a toy replica. So we're supposed to believe Wade Barrett has no idea how much the belt weighs?
To the announce table, and they're unbearable for a few minutes before announcing the next hall of fame inductee, and first recipient of the newly minted Warrior award for inspirational people, Connor the Crusher. Great, I'm going to cry now. Awesome. Thanks WWE. I'm not supposed to cry while watching wrestling! In all seriousness, this is really awesome. Connor has become somewhat of a mascot for the WWE's make a wish efforts. It's really a beautiful story, and I love that he will be forever immortalized in the hall of fame. So cool. By the way, I was right, I cried like a baby. Fuck you WWE. Fuck you.
Back from break, and Paul Heyman is here to ruin any good feelings you had left over from the Connor the Crusher segment. Heyman doesn't say much at first, he just kicks us to a video. It's a tribute package to Roman Reigns. It's very well done, as we've come to expect from the WWE editing team. Once the video is done, Heyman introduces Brock Lesnar in the way only he can. Goosebumps.
The green onion alien walks down to the ring, and Heyman calls the Roman Reigns video propaganda. He mocks the video, and Roman Reigns' rise to the top. He says the truth is that Roman's father used to make him fight football players, and his uncle made him fight muscle heads. It's a weird promo, but Heyman is always great, and this is no exception. He says Brock will kill anyone who tries to screw him. Seems a little extreme... also illegal. He promises an epic ass kicking, before his mic malfunctions again. Heyman plays it off like someone in the back is cutting him off, and challenges anyone to take a shot at Brock Lesnar, even saying if Brock wins he might unify the WWE and UFC titles. Doubtful. Maybe even go beat the crap out of Floyd Mayweather. I told you it was weird. He says the title no longer belongs to WWE. It belongs to Brock Lesnar.
Heyman is his typical awesome manic self, selling both Brock and Roman Reigns very well. Every time he's in the ring I get worried he's going to burst a vein in his head. His intensity is better than most wrestlers. They stare at the Wrestlemania sign for a little bit as the announcers talk over everything and ruin it. We cut to a Bray Wyatt promo where he's staring at the urn, angry that Taker hasn't shown up yet. It's short and sends us to a commercial.
Back from break and we get a replay of Kane and Ryback butting heads on Smackdown. After which we see Big Show and Kane waiting in the ring. Rowan and Ryback come out to face them. This should be... unnecessary... and bad. Ok, so it's not as bad as I expect. It's not good, but it's not bad either. The pace is fast enough with the tag format that it doesn't get too boring. It's just formulaic, not needed, and the crowd is dead. Luckily it's short, and ends when Big Show accidentally punches Kane... again. Are we really doing this storyline? The writing staff is barely trying at this point. After the match Kane yells at Big Show, who seems less than remorseful. This brings out Stephanie McMahon, because god forbid she skip an episode.
She makes Kane and Big Show seem small as she yells at them, which is SO counter productive, but I've spent enough time ranting about Stephanie McMahon's awfulness. She sends them both packing so they can think about what they've done. If someone doesn't stab Stephanie at the end of all this, it won't be a big enough pay off. The announcers show us Miz's erectile dysfunction bit again, which wasn't funny last week, and surprise surprise, isn't funny now. I said it before and I'll say it again, they waited too long to pull the trigger on the Miz/Sandow feud. We get a segment backstage with Miz trying to convince Wiz Khalifa to do an album with him. Wiz says no, because he already signed Wizdow. Sandow is dressed as Wiz, which I'm pretty sure is blackface even without the paint. He raps... I think. It's not good, but it's funny. Miz walks off mad, and Wiz can't even make eye contact with the camera man after that.
Back from break and Lilian Garcia brings out Wiz Khalifa. The reaction is as mild as it always is for guest musical stars. Wiz "raps" if you can call it that. I am a huge fan of rap. This is atrocious. Seriously, this is horrible, the crowd hates it, I hate it, pretty sure even Wiz hates it. Of course there's no way of knowing. He's an idiot. This segment goes on way the hell too long. I can't describe to you how much I am fucking hating this segment. They can't even cut to a shot of the crowd where anyone is paying attention. I can't believe I am saying this, but I wish they would have just made the Kane/Big Show tag match ten minutes longer. It would be less painful. Sandow comes out at the end, which is the only thing that saves him.
The announce team shows us a replay of last week when Brie interfered in Paige and Nikki's match. Then AJ returned, and most of the WWE Universe came simultaneously. It happens from time to time. Nothing to be alarmed about. We then get a shot of AJ and Paige walking down the hall as we go to commercial.
Back from commercial, and the Bella Mannequins are watching their bit from the Flintstones movie before being interviewed about it... for some reason. They make fun of Paige and AJ, using Flintstones references the whole time. It made me wish Wiz Khalifa was still rapping. Ok that's an exaggeration, but not much of one.
Next is a match between Summer Rae and AJ. It's ok, but it's basically AJ wrestling a broom. I take that back. A broom would probably be less problematic and annoying. This would really be much better if it were anyone but Summer in there with her. I can not emphasize enough how much Summer needs to not be a "wrestler" anymore. The match is mercifully short, and ends when Summer taps to the black widow submission. Someone has a "Free Super Dave" sign. I don't know what that means, but I am all for it.
Back from commercial and we get a video from Sting, which is well produced. The voice talking over it is clearly not Sting though. You guys really couldn't get Sting in to do the voice over? Other than that it's a well done video for a match I have no interest in. This is actually the first segment they've had for this feud that has even given me the slightest bit of enjoyment, so kudos for that.
After the video, the announcers talk about it. You'd think they would learn to stop letting them do that. We get a shot of Rusev walking down the hall, but he runs into John Cena. Cena cuts a stupid, sappy U.S.A. promo. It is horrible. It sounds like a fucking Fox news promo. Cena says if Rusev says anything about the country he happened to be born in, he'll commit unsanctioned assault. Way to be a star Cena.
Back from break and Rusev comes down to the ring. I wonder if he'll say something about America. Just kidding, I don't wonder that at all. Turns out Rusev is getting a match against Curtis Axel, because something happened on Smackdown. Jesus, it's like they want us to watch Smackdown or something. Rusev attacks him before the bell rings, and the match is barely worth talking about. Another squash, Axel taps to the Accolade, and Axelmania is running wild. After the match Rusev tells Lana to get a mic, but she protests, so he gets it himself. He talks some shit about America, and Dr. Johnny McThugpants comes out looking none too happy. RoboCena attacks, and locks him in the STF. He refuses to let go until Rusev passes out. The easily pleased crowd pops for this.
Cena grabs a bottle of water and pours it on Rusev, reviving him just so he can lock it on again. Rusev taps this time, which is absolutely ridiculous. Lana begs Cena to let him go before giving him the title match at Mania. Cena lets go when the magic words are said, and smiles his creepy, Terminator smile. Did anyone doubt for a second there would be a rematch? I'd like to think wrestling fans are smarter than that, but a lot of us aren't. We get another short Bray Wyatt promo where he stares at the urn before commercial.
Back from break and the doctors are checking out Rusev, who is ranting in Russian. Out to the ring where a New Day is dancing and clapping. That's their character, I don't know what you're expecting. We get a small in the box promo where they talk like stereotypical black guys. Out next are Cesaro, Tyson Kidd and Natalya. I love the three of these people together. It's a weird perfect trifecta.
The match is fairly standard, but Cesaro and Kidd really shine. They make a great cheating tag team. Woods and Big E hold their own, but I couldn't possibly care less about them. They have no character and aren't connecting with anyone. The match ends when Kidd almost runs into Natalya, and gets distracted long enough for Woods to get the roll up. Before much celebrating can be done, the Flying Uso twins bring Naomi down to the ring for her one on one match with Natalya.
Back from commercial, and the match is already underway. This match is far better and more interesting than the earlier Divas match. I love both these women. It's too short, and ends when Naomi hits the rearview. Afterward Tyson and Natalya argue. Los Matadores come down as Natalya is walking back. Were they running short and needed to jam three matches in quick? They're down to have a match with the Usos.
The match is fast paced and entertaining, but once again we get a mid match commercial. Something must have run long *cough*WizKhalifa*cough* because the pacing for this last hour of Raw has been ridiculously quick. They're not giving me time to enjoy or digest anything. I enjoy the tag match very much though. They hit some interesting spots, the pacing is nice. The only problem is the crowd doesn't care about Los Matadores. It's also hard for the crowd to get into a face v face match. It ends when Matador #1 shoves Uso #2 into El Torito and gets the roll up off the rebound.
Next we get a recap of the opening segment, because three hours is a stupid amount of time. Take it back to two, and maybe you won't have to spend an hour recapping things. We then get a segment with Seth Rollins telling the New Stooges they need to trust him, and they need to trust Randy Orton. They have a bad feeling about it, but Seth is confident.
Back from break and we get an in ring Bray Wyatt promo, which is always better than the pretapes. This one is no exception. It is once again almost nonsensical, but that's fantastic. Bray Wyatt is great in his character. He hurls several threats at Taker, and I'm realizing what a shame it is that Brock beat Taker last year and not Bray Wyatt. The urn sits in the middle of the ring during the promo, on a strange purple platform. Bray stops talking and opens the Urn, looking inside. He says it's empty, but it suddenly starts smoking. The lights flash, and Brays gets as excited as the crowd does. Lightning graphics flash, and then the gong sounds, causing the crowd to lose their shit. The lights go out. A spot light come son, and Bray's rocking chair is sitting in the middle of the ring. Bray sells it like a champ. It ends with a rest in Piece soundbite playing over the PA system, and Bray's chair randomly getting struck by lightning and starting on fire as Wyatt laughs in the background. Strong visuals and a compelling segment. Very different from what we're used to.
Another break and we get two recaps in a row. One of the segment we just watched, and another of the Cena/Rusev segment. Seriously guys... two hours. Roman Reigns heads down to the ring next for his handicap match with Orton and Rollins. It's good for a handicap match, but it's clearly set up less to be a match, and more for the shenanigans between Orton and the rest of the Authority. One thing I do notice is Roman Reigs getting very little reaction. This is not a good sign. Back to the match, and surprise surprise, Orton turns on Seth, refusing to tag him, before flipping the double bird. Reigns spears Rollins for the pin.
After the match Orton gets into the ring and yell sat Seth for not thinking he could do something like that. Orton beats the crap out of him outside the ring. Both men do a really good job of selling the whole thing. I'm quite impressed. The beat down is vicious, but a little slow, and I don't buy that it takes anyone this long to help. I know he sent the Stooges away, and Kane and Big Show are gone, but at least get some refs out there to pretend to try to stop it. That's my only real complaint. otherwise it's a solid segment that's actually got me interested in a Randy Orton match. Crazy. I lied, I do have one other complaint. Seth Rollins has been made to look incredibly weak since Orton came back, and this is no exception. It would have been much smarter if it turns out Stephanie throwing Show and Kane out was fake, and they came out to destroy Orton. That's me playing fantasy booker now though. It ends with an RKO on the announce table.
So... did it suck? No. It came close though. There were some really awful segments, but they were saved by a few really great segments. The beat down at the end went too long and the opening segment was terrible. I might rank this one higher if those things weren't the case, but they are. This show gets the mediocre stamp.
MVP: Bray Wyatt by a mile. That segment was brilliant, and only he could have sold it so well.
Worst in show: Wiz Khalifa Wiz Khalifa and more Wiz Khalifa. It went too long, and it sucked. There is nothing on this show or last week's show that compares to Wiz Khalifa's shittiness.
That's it for another week fans. Remember, it's just a show. Enjoy it.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Did Raw Suck This Week 3/2/15
Welcome ladies and gentlemen, to this week's edition of Did Raw Suck. I know I skipped last week and the Fast Lane PPV, so let's catch you up to speed. Roman Reigns won, Bray Wyatt is fighting the Undertaker, and the hot Bella Mannequin is still Divas champion. That's all that matters, right? Anyway, let's get started. We're halfway down the road to Wrestlemania, and I really have to pee.
Raw begins by letting us know its taking place in New Jersey... ew. The first person to come out is Seth Rollins, who gets and odd pop, followed by the more expected boos. They recap the Seth Rollins/Jon Stewart feud for us. God I hope we get a match between those two. I want a 25 minute classic. It would rival Flair/Steamboat. Only half of the last paragraph is sarcastic. Seth tells us that Stewart has finished with his comedy show (whatever that's called) and is on his way to the arena. Rollins then warns Stewart to turn around and go home, but I have a feeling that's not going to happen.
Apparently Seth is going to show everyone that he can do Jon Stewart's job better than he can. We're going to see an episode of the Daily Show hosted by Seth Rollins? I would watch that. Seth's mic work here is really good, even if it is for a feud with a comedian. Roman Reigns' music interrupts him, incredibly rudely I might add. The Samoan Aquaman makes his way through the crowd. They boo him, but he makes fun of Seth Rollins, and suddenly everyone loves him again. Rollins continues cutting his promo, but Reigns laughs and mocks him through the whole thing, which is really stupid. Maybe try putting someone else over, Roman.
Reigns doesn't seem so happy when Seth suggests he can out wrestle Roman, and that he's going to be the next WWE champ. Seth then tells Roman that he can't beat Brock Lesnar, but Seth can beat Brock as well as Roman. Roman brings up Seth's earlier loss to Brock, as if history matters in wrestling. No one remembers that Roman, it was months ago! Reigns tries to goad Seth into using his Briefcase to insert himself into the Wrestlemania main event, but Sethy poo isn't biting. It gets heated and Roman hits Seth. The New Stooges attack, but are easily taken out. Reigns watches with his dreamy eyes as Seth makes his way up the ramp, holding his jaw. Afterward the announce team discusses what just went on, ruining it completely.
This was a good opening segment. I'm noticing a lack of Stephanie and Triple H in these opening segments lately, and I couldn't be happier. This was a good exchange between two promising young wrestlers who need the TV time. They both did a decent job, Rollins obviously better than Reigns. Overall, a very nice start to this week's show.
Back from commercial and Seth is backstage selling his wounds. Suddenly Orton shows up, causing boredom tears to instantly flow from my eyes. I should get that checked out. Orton admonishes the New Stooges for not protecting Seth. Orton acts like he's Seth's friend, and suggests he demand a match with Roman... a real friend would never suggest fighting Roman Reigns... like ever. Seth thanks Orton for the advice, and sends him on his way.
Back out to the ring, and Dean Ambrose is on his way down with his stolen Intercontinental title. Barrett, the title's rightful holder, is already waiting in the ring. For some reason R-Truth is on commentary. I think Vince wants me to kill myself. I won't do it. I won't give him the satisfaction. From the looks of it this is turning into a three way feud involving R-Truth, and I don't like that idea at all. #CancelWWENetwork
The match is a good back and forth brawl, as you probably assumed it would be. I think someone finally told Dean Ambrose that constantly sticking his tongue out looked ridiculous, because he doesn't do it as much here. R-Truth is uselss on commentary, but at least he's back to being entertaining, crazy, arachnophobic R-Truth. That's the R-Truth I love. In the middle of the match, R-Truth "steals" the IC title off the ring apron... I don't get it but whatever. The match is still good. The match would be even better if we didn't randomly cut to the announce table to watch Luke Harper appear and be weird, before taking the IC title and walking away. This distracts Barrett, allowing Ambrose to hit Dirty Deeds and get the pin. Stupid ending to a great match.
We get a flashback to Smackdown where Miz screwed up Damien Sandow's commercial shoot out of jealousy. They have already dragged this feud on way too long. We don't need to be recapping Smackdown stuff to make it seem longer. The segment isn't even very entertaining, but they show every second of it. We cut backstage to a bunch of random people who aren't booked on the show, waiting for Miz to debut the commercial. Sandow warns him not to, but he does anyway. Turns out it's a commercial for erectile dysfunction pills. It's not funny, but you didn't expect it to be. Everyone laughs, Miz gets mad, and blames Sandow. It's stupid, but at least it's stupid! Miz slaps Sandow, and they get in each other's faces. Miz threatens to fire him and he backs down, because why pull the trigger when you can drag it out even more?
Back from break and Bray Wyatt comes out. There's an old school wooden coffin on the stage, and Bray Wyatt cuts a promo around it. It's a decent promo, questioning whether the Undertaker is still the phenom he was, if he can still get the job done. Wyatt pulls out a gas can while he talks about fire and its destructive properties. He pours gasoline on the coffin, and cuts a little more promo, promising the Undertaker will burn. He then sets the casket on fire, which makes for a really cool visual as he screams into the flames.
Another break, and we're treated to Kidd, Cesaro, and Natalya. The flying Uso twins are out next with Naomi, who I have fallen in love with. If she's not the future of the Diva's division, WWE has lost their minds. The match is good, but way too short. It ends when Natalya, with an injured ankle, is tagged in and gets pinned. Natty and Tyson fight after the match, but quickly make up, to the chagrin of the crowd. The announce team recaps the segment, once again making the whole thing stupid. We get an announcement that Seth Rollins v Roman Reigns is happening as the main event tonight. Am I supposed to believe they went to air having no idea what their main event was going to be? Thank goodness this happened, or they would be missing an entire last half hour of a show! My god, we're only one hour in. This episode is dragging... not a good sign.
After another break, The only man in the history of the WWE with a PhD in Thuganomics makes his way to the ring. We get a recap of Rusev refusing Cena's rematch request, before segueing right into Cena's promo, which I am sure won't piss me off at all. Cena says the haters got to see Rusev kick his ass, but don't get too comfy with seeing that. He whines about not getting a rematch, and the crowd is booing the shit out of him here. Has New Jersey ever liked Cena? He says he's entering himself in the Andre the Giant memorial battle royal, and this news brings Stephanie McMahon down. Imagine my joy. At least she's in there with Cena, and not someone who has to worry about looking bad.
Stephanie asks since when do Wrestlers get to decide which matches they're in. Since forever Stephanie. Watch wrestling some time. She says Cena is disparaging the name of Andre, who was a close personal friend of hers. She then tells Cena he doesn't get a spot in the battle royal. He calls her a bitch, which is uncalled for. She's just doing her job. They go back and forth, before Stephanie gets annoyed and shouts at Cena, telling him he doesn't define WWE. She says if John Cena sits Wrestlemania out (which the crowd loves) the WWE would go on and thrive just fine. She's actually good here, but she's being a face and she's not supposed to be, so I don't have to say nice things about her. Thank god.
For some reason, in the middle of all this, Curtis Axel comes out. He claims to have been in the Royal Rumble for over 30 days, which gets a laugh out of my family. He says he knows he's already in the battle royal, and sucks up to Stephanie McMahon some, trying to get a shot at the title. The crowd starts chanting Axelmania, and I don't hate New Jersey as much as I used to. Stephanie then makes a match with Cena v Axel, and then announces that Cena can have a US title shot at Wrestlemania, if he can convince Rusev to accept. Cena tells Axel to leave, or he will not walk out of this ring. It sounds hokey, but he does it in a way that gives me chills. This was a bizzare segment that didn't need to take nearly this long. I know I'm probably being biased due to my hate for Stephnie, but truthfully she does a good job in this segment. I was impressed with her, just not the rest of it.
Axel starts by doing some Hogan poses, but is cut off by Cena. He makes quick work of Axel, forcing him to tap out to his horrible, horrible STF. Cena does a good job here of telling a story with his face. His emotions are very compelling. Rusev comes out, and people don't care at all. They gave Curtis Axel more of a reaction. Rusev just came out to let Cena know he won't be changing his mind. That doesn't make RoboCena very happy. The giant flag drops behind him, capping off a fairly effective segment. I hate to say it, but Cena really did a fantastic job here of selling emotion. They send us to a pretape of Michael Cole interviewing Michael Hayes and Arn Anderson about Sting. At this point I am so sick of hearing about Sting that I can't even listen to the Police anymore.
Commercial note: I will not make a Special Olympics joke, I will not make a Special Olympics joke, I will not make a Special Olympics joke...
Back from break, and Triple H walks down to the ring. Seeing him in a suit is still fucking surreal. He was the Disciplinarian for fuck sake!(If you don't get that joke, you clearly don't love the Drew Carey show on the same level as I do.) Triple H cuts a promo about how big his kayfabe dick is, before talking some more about Sting. I wish I could give you a run down of the promo, but my brain has developed a block where anytime someone mentions Sting, all I can hear is white noise. At one point he calls Booker T into the ring, and it really seems like he's doing improv here. It's not fun. Booker implies that Triple H used his power to keep sting out of the WWE and OH WHO GIVES A SHIT?! God dammit! This segment is pointless and stupid and I hate that this match is even taking place. I'm bored, the crowd's bored, Booker T even seems bored! We get it, Sting is a big deal. You have now run it into the ground to the point where nobody cares. Triple H fires Booker T, which makes him a face in my book. They stare at each other longingly for a while before Booker walks to the back.
Halfway up the ramp Triple H stops him to tell him he's not firing him. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! What's the point of all of this?!?! Know what, I don't care. This segment is absolutely the most boring thing I have seen out of WWE in the last month. It feels like the show was running short, so they just sent Triple H out there to screw around for a few minutes. The crowd gives zero shits, and you can really hear it at the end of his promo. Nothing but crickets. No one cares about Triple H versus Sting at this point. Hell, I would be surprised if Sting cared. I know I sound like I'm being unfairly harsh, but I defy anyone to name one good thing about this ridiculous, tone deaf segment.
Back from break, and we're getting a Diva's title rematch between Paige and Nikki Bella. The match is decent, but short, and ends when Paige locks in the PTO and Brie interferes to cause the DQ. They beat her up a little before AJ comes out and cleans house on the Bella Mannequins. Nikki sneak attacks her, and gets the upperhand before Paige comes to and starts helping. They dump the Bellas to the outside, before AJ's music plays.
Back from break and AJ is skipping down the hall toward an interview with Renee Young. Paige is there too, and they spend some time ragging on the Bellas before deciding to team up against them. Back to the ring where we have Seth Rollins and his Daily Show set up. He really doesn't so much do a Daily Show style segment, as sit at a desk and try to make jokes while talking about Jon Stewart with a screen behind him. Whoever wrote it thinks they're really funny, and they're very much not. Jon Stewart interrupts, and the crowd gives him a polite round of applause. Is there NO crossover between wrestling fans and Daily Show viewers? I really expected a bigger pop here.
They banter back and forth a bit, none of which is all that great. Stewart is mildly funny. I assume he brought his own writers. Jon rips into Seth, who doesn't seem to take it well. It gets interesting when Stewart tells Seth that the Authority doesn't care about him. After all, he's not in the main event of Wrestlemania. Seth gets mad and starts intimidating Stewart, but the Orton 5000 comes out and distracts Rollins, letting Stewart hit the low blow. Textbook. I don't like how bad Seth has been made to look since Orton came back. This should be the opposite way around, but it was entertaining, so I can't complain too much.
Back from break and we have Renee Young interviewing Jon Stewart backstage, and he's nervous about seeing Seth Rollins. He scampers off as we go back to the ring to see Luke Harper's entrance. Daniel Bryan is out next, and the crowd is going to be into Daniel Bryan until long after he retires. It's sad to see him so aimless heading into Wrestlemania.
The match is weird, sloppy and ugly. These two can't seem to connect at all. Luke Harper is sloppy with his moves, and I know that's his character, but it ends up just looking dangerous and messy. It's fast though, ending when Daniel makes Harper tap to the Yes lock. After the match Wade Barrett comes and takes his IC title back, only to have Ambrose attack him and steal it again. This storyline is fun, but didn't need to be the lead up to a Wrestlemania match. It just seems so silly for a Wrestlemania feud. In the end, Luke Harper ends up with the belt after obliterating R-Truth. He pauses to celebrate at the top of the ramp, and eats a surprise Super kick from Dolph Ziggler, who grabs the title himself. The camera goes back and forth between Ziggler and Bryan for a bit before we get an announcement that Alundra Blayze will be going into the WWE hall of fame this year. Not something I thought I would see happen in my lifetime after she threw the women's title in the garbage, but good for her. She totally deserves this. Talk about Chyna, Ivory, Lita and Trish all you want, Alundra Blayze is the one who brought women's wrestling back for good, and made it a lot of fun to watch.
We get a segment where Orton tells Seth he saved him from committing career suicide and hitting Jon Stewart. Orton says Rollins should thank him. Orton says he can help Rollins tonight, but Big Show and Kane walk up and say they have Rollins' back. Jamie Noble tells Randy they don't need him out there before the Amazing Viper Boy walks off.
Back from break and out comes Paul Heyman to talk about his client, who we aren't sure we'll ever see again. Heyman reassures us Brock will be at Wrestlemania, and puts him over just like he always does... awesomely. Paul Heyman could sell me my own plot in hell, I swear to Santa Christ. The crowd is dead here, and it's not Heyman's fault. They've been weird all night. Heyman finishes his promo, and Reigns comes out. Heyman quickly and wisely walks to the back.
Rollins is already down there when we come back from break, so they use the time they didn't use showing us his entrance, to show us a replay of a thing that happened less than two hours ago, because WWE has no faith in us as viewers. Seth makes the match halfway interesting, but it's not great. It's decent, but I wouldn't rave a ton about it. Mid way through, Orton comes out, because who the fuck want's to watch wrestling? The match ends when Orton distracts Reigns so Rollins can roll him up for the pin. Afterward Reigns goes nuts on the Authority, and the show closes.
So... did it suck? It's hard to say it sucked. The only truly awful thing was the Triple H segment. The biggest problem with this Raw is that it was insanely boring. It felt like a filler show. We got a weird set up for a four way Intercontinental title match, and some advancement in the Diva's division. That's really about it. Very little else happened, it all just sort of inched along. Not how I should be feeling with less than a month to go before Wrestlemania.
MVP: I have to give this one to Seth Rollins. Even if he isn't in the dog house, he has had to endure one of the most humiliating things I can imagine, and he hasn't let it mess with his performance at all. He's still improving, still working his ass off, and he is still a star. He deserves the top spot more than any of the young guys I can think of right now.
Worst in show: Triple H. His segment this week was asinine, pointless fluff. It seemed like it was just there because the show was running long. It was totally tone deaf to the rest of the feud, and wasted too much of my time.
That's it for this week fans. I'll see you next week, and remember, it's just a show. Sit back and enjoy.
Raw begins by letting us know its taking place in New Jersey... ew. The first person to come out is Seth Rollins, who gets and odd pop, followed by the more expected boos. They recap the Seth Rollins/Jon Stewart feud for us. God I hope we get a match between those two. I want a 25 minute classic. It would rival Flair/Steamboat. Only half of the last paragraph is sarcastic. Seth tells us that Stewart has finished with his comedy show (whatever that's called) and is on his way to the arena. Rollins then warns Stewart to turn around and go home, but I have a feeling that's not going to happen.
Apparently Seth is going to show everyone that he can do Jon Stewart's job better than he can. We're going to see an episode of the Daily Show hosted by Seth Rollins? I would watch that. Seth's mic work here is really good, even if it is for a feud with a comedian. Roman Reigns' music interrupts him, incredibly rudely I might add. The Samoan Aquaman makes his way through the crowd. They boo him, but he makes fun of Seth Rollins, and suddenly everyone loves him again. Rollins continues cutting his promo, but Reigns laughs and mocks him through the whole thing, which is really stupid. Maybe try putting someone else over, Roman.
Reigns doesn't seem so happy when Seth suggests he can out wrestle Roman, and that he's going to be the next WWE champ. Seth then tells Roman that he can't beat Brock Lesnar, but Seth can beat Brock as well as Roman. Roman brings up Seth's earlier loss to Brock, as if history matters in wrestling. No one remembers that Roman, it was months ago! Reigns tries to goad Seth into using his Briefcase to insert himself into the Wrestlemania main event, but Sethy poo isn't biting. It gets heated and Roman hits Seth. The New Stooges attack, but are easily taken out. Reigns watches with his dreamy eyes as Seth makes his way up the ramp, holding his jaw. Afterward the announce team discusses what just went on, ruining it completely.
This was a good opening segment. I'm noticing a lack of Stephanie and Triple H in these opening segments lately, and I couldn't be happier. This was a good exchange between two promising young wrestlers who need the TV time. They both did a decent job, Rollins obviously better than Reigns. Overall, a very nice start to this week's show.
Back from commercial and Seth is backstage selling his wounds. Suddenly Orton shows up, causing boredom tears to instantly flow from my eyes. I should get that checked out. Orton admonishes the New Stooges for not protecting Seth. Orton acts like he's Seth's friend, and suggests he demand a match with Roman... a real friend would never suggest fighting Roman Reigns... like ever. Seth thanks Orton for the advice, and sends him on his way.
Back out to the ring, and Dean Ambrose is on his way down with his stolen Intercontinental title. Barrett, the title's rightful holder, is already waiting in the ring. For some reason R-Truth is on commentary. I think Vince wants me to kill myself. I won't do it. I won't give him the satisfaction. From the looks of it this is turning into a three way feud involving R-Truth, and I don't like that idea at all. #CancelWWENetwork
The match is a good back and forth brawl, as you probably assumed it would be. I think someone finally told Dean Ambrose that constantly sticking his tongue out looked ridiculous, because he doesn't do it as much here. R-Truth is uselss on commentary, but at least he's back to being entertaining, crazy, arachnophobic R-Truth. That's the R-Truth I love. In the middle of the match, R-Truth "steals" the IC title off the ring apron... I don't get it but whatever. The match is still good. The match would be even better if we didn't randomly cut to the announce table to watch Luke Harper appear and be weird, before taking the IC title and walking away. This distracts Barrett, allowing Ambrose to hit Dirty Deeds and get the pin. Stupid ending to a great match.
We get a flashback to Smackdown where Miz screwed up Damien Sandow's commercial shoot out of jealousy. They have already dragged this feud on way too long. We don't need to be recapping Smackdown stuff to make it seem longer. The segment isn't even very entertaining, but they show every second of it. We cut backstage to a bunch of random people who aren't booked on the show, waiting for Miz to debut the commercial. Sandow warns him not to, but he does anyway. Turns out it's a commercial for erectile dysfunction pills. It's not funny, but you didn't expect it to be. Everyone laughs, Miz gets mad, and blames Sandow. It's stupid, but at least it's stupid! Miz slaps Sandow, and they get in each other's faces. Miz threatens to fire him and he backs down, because why pull the trigger when you can drag it out even more?
Back from break and Bray Wyatt comes out. There's an old school wooden coffin on the stage, and Bray Wyatt cuts a promo around it. It's a decent promo, questioning whether the Undertaker is still the phenom he was, if he can still get the job done. Wyatt pulls out a gas can while he talks about fire and its destructive properties. He pours gasoline on the coffin, and cuts a little more promo, promising the Undertaker will burn. He then sets the casket on fire, which makes for a really cool visual as he screams into the flames.
Another break, and we're treated to Kidd, Cesaro, and Natalya. The flying Uso twins are out next with Naomi, who I have fallen in love with. If she's not the future of the Diva's division, WWE has lost their minds. The match is good, but way too short. It ends when Natalya, with an injured ankle, is tagged in and gets pinned. Natty and Tyson fight after the match, but quickly make up, to the chagrin of the crowd. The announce team recaps the segment, once again making the whole thing stupid. We get an announcement that Seth Rollins v Roman Reigns is happening as the main event tonight. Am I supposed to believe they went to air having no idea what their main event was going to be? Thank goodness this happened, or they would be missing an entire last half hour of a show! My god, we're only one hour in. This episode is dragging... not a good sign.
After another break, The only man in the history of the WWE with a PhD in Thuganomics makes his way to the ring. We get a recap of Rusev refusing Cena's rematch request, before segueing right into Cena's promo, which I am sure won't piss me off at all. Cena says the haters got to see Rusev kick his ass, but don't get too comfy with seeing that. He whines about not getting a rematch, and the crowd is booing the shit out of him here. Has New Jersey ever liked Cena? He says he's entering himself in the Andre the Giant memorial battle royal, and this news brings Stephanie McMahon down. Imagine my joy. At least she's in there with Cena, and not someone who has to worry about looking bad.
Stephanie asks since when do Wrestlers get to decide which matches they're in. Since forever Stephanie. Watch wrestling some time. She says Cena is disparaging the name of Andre, who was a close personal friend of hers. She then tells Cena he doesn't get a spot in the battle royal. He calls her a bitch, which is uncalled for. She's just doing her job. They go back and forth, before Stephanie gets annoyed and shouts at Cena, telling him he doesn't define WWE. She says if John Cena sits Wrestlemania out (which the crowd loves) the WWE would go on and thrive just fine. She's actually good here, but she's being a face and she's not supposed to be, so I don't have to say nice things about her. Thank god.
For some reason, in the middle of all this, Curtis Axel comes out. He claims to have been in the Royal Rumble for over 30 days, which gets a laugh out of my family. He says he knows he's already in the battle royal, and sucks up to Stephanie McMahon some, trying to get a shot at the title. The crowd starts chanting Axelmania, and I don't hate New Jersey as much as I used to. Stephanie then makes a match with Cena v Axel, and then announces that Cena can have a US title shot at Wrestlemania, if he can convince Rusev to accept. Cena tells Axel to leave, or he will not walk out of this ring. It sounds hokey, but he does it in a way that gives me chills. This was a bizzare segment that didn't need to take nearly this long. I know I'm probably being biased due to my hate for Stephnie, but truthfully she does a good job in this segment. I was impressed with her, just not the rest of it.
Axel starts by doing some Hogan poses, but is cut off by Cena. He makes quick work of Axel, forcing him to tap out to his horrible, horrible STF. Cena does a good job here of telling a story with his face. His emotions are very compelling. Rusev comes out, and people don't care at all. They gave Curtis Axel more of a reaction. Rusev just came out to let Cena know he won't be changing his mind. That doesn't make RoboCena very happy. The giant flag drops behind him, capping off a fairly effective segment. I hate to say it, but Cena really did a fantastic job here of selling emotion. They send us to a pretape of Michael Cole interviewing Michael Hayes and Arn Anderson about Sting. At this point I am so sick of hearing about Sting that I can't even listen to the Police anymore.
Commercial note: I will not make a Special Olympics joke, I will not make a Special Olympics joke, I will not make a Special Olympics joke...
Back from break, and Triple H walks down to the ring. Seeing him in a suit is still fucking surreal. He was the Disciplinarian for fuck sake!(If you don't get that joke, you clearly don't love the Drew Carey show on the same level as I do.) Triple H cuts a promo about how big his kayfabe dick is, before talking some more about Sting. I wish I could give you a run down of the promo, but my brain has developed a block where anytime someone mentions Sting, all I can hear is white noise. At one point he calls Booker T into the ring, and it really seems like he's doing improv here. It's not fun. Booker implies that Triple H used his power to keep sting out of the WWE and OH WHO GIVES A SHIT?! God dammit! This segment is pointless and stupid and I hate that this match is even taking place. I'm bored, the crowd's bored, Booker T even seems bored! We get it, Sting is a big deal. You have now run it into the ground to the point where nobody cares. Triple H fires Booker T, which makes him a face in my book. They stare at each other longingly for a while before Booker walks to the back.
Halfway up the ramp Triple H stops him to tell him he's not firing him. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! What's the point of all of this?!?! Know what, I don't care. This segment is absolutely the most boring thing I have seen out of WWE in the last month. It feels like the show was running short, so they just sent Triple H out there to screw around for a few minutes. The crowd gives zero shits, and you can really hear it at the end of his promo. Nothing but crickets. No one cares about Triple H versus Sting at this point. Hell, I would be surprised if Sting cared. I know I sound like I'm being unfairly harsh, but I defy anyone to name one good thing about this ridiculous, tone deaf segment.
Back from break, and we're getting a Diva's title rematch between Paige and Nikki Bella. The match is decent, but short, and ends when Paige locks in the PTO and Brie interferes to cause the DQ. They beat her up a little before AJ comes out and cleans house on the Bella Mannequins. Nikki sneak attacks her, and gets the upperhand before Paige comes to and starts helping. They dump the Bellas to the outside, before AJ's music plays.
Back from break and AJ is skipping down the hall toward an interview with Renee Young. Paige is there too, and they spend some time ragging on the Bellas before deciding to team up against them. Back to the ring where we have Seth Rollins and his Daily Show set up. He really doesn't so much do a Daily Show style segment, as sit at a desk and try to make jokes while talking about Jon Stewart with a screen behind him. Whoever wrote it thinks they're really funny, and they're very much not. Jon Stewart interrupts, and the crowd gives him a polite round of applause. Is there NO crossover between wrestling fans and Daily Show viewers? I really expected a bigger pop here.
They banter back and forth a bit, none of which is all that great. Stewart is mildly funny. I assume he brought his own writers. Jon rips into Seth, who doesn't seem to take it well. It gets interesting when Stewart tells Seth that the Authority doesn't care about him. After all, he's not in the main event of Wrestlemania. Seth gets mad and starts intimidating Stewart, but the Orton 5000 comes out and distracts Rollins, letting Stewart hit the low blow. Textbook. I don't like how bad Seth has been made to look since Orton came back. This should be the opposite way around, but it was entertaining, so I can't complain too much.
Back from break and we have Renee Young interviewing Jon Stewart backstage, and he's nervous about seeing Seth Rollins. He scampers off as we go back to the ring to see Luke Harper's entrance. Daniel Bryan is out next, and the crowd is going to be into Daniel Bryan until long after he retires. It's sad to see him so aimless heading into Wrestlemania.
The match is weird, sloppy and ugly. These two can't seem to connect at all. Luke Harper is sloppy with his moves, and I know that's his character, but it ends up just looking dangerous and messy. It's fast though, ending when Daniel makes Harper tap to the Yes lock. After the match Wade Barrett comes and takes his IC title back, only to have Ambrose attack him and steal it again. This storyline is fun, but didn't need to be the lead up to a Wrestlemania match. It just seems so silly for a Wrestlemania feud. In the end, Luke Harper ends up with the belt after obliterating R-Truth. He pauses to celebrate at the top of the ramp, and eats a surprise Super kick from Dolph Ziggler, who grabs the title himself. The camera goes back and forth between Ziggler and Bryan for a bit before we get an announcement that Alundra Blayze will be going into the WWE hall of fame this year. Not something I thought I would see happen in my lifetime after she threw the women's title in the garbage, but good for her. She totally deserves this. Talk about Chyna, Ivory, Lita and Trish all you want, Alundra Blayze is the one who brought women's wrestling back for good, and made it a lot of fun to watch.
We get a segment where Orton tells Seth he saved him from committing career suicide and hitting Jon Stewart. Orton says Rollins should thank him. Orton says he can help Rollins tonight, but Big Show and Kane walk up and say they have Rollins' back. Jamie Noble tells Randy they don't need him out there before the Amazing Viper Boy walks off.
Back from break and out comes Paul Heyman to talk about his client, who we aren't sure we'll ever see again. Heyman reassures us Brock will be at Wrestlemania, and puts him over just like he always does... awesomely. Paul Heyman could sell me my own plot in hell, I swear to Santa Christ. The crowd is dead here, and it's not Heyman's fault. They've been weird all night. Heyman finishes his promo, and Reigns comes out. Heyman quickly and wisely walks to the back.
Rollins is already down there when we come back from break, so they use the time they didn't use showing us his entrance, to show us a replay of a thing that happened less than two hours ago, because WWE has no faith in us as viewers. Seth makes the match halfway interesting, but it's not great. It's decent, but I wouldn't rave a ton about it. Mid way through, Orton comes out, because who the fuck want's to watch wrestling? The match ends when Orton distracts Reigns so Rollins can roll him up for the pin. Afterward Reigns goes nuts on the Authority, and the show closes.
So... did it suck? It's hard to say it sucked. The only truly awful thing was the Triple H segment. The biggest problem with this Raw is that it was insanely boring. It felt like a filler show. We got a weird set up for a four way Intercontinental title match, and some advancement in the Diva's division. That's really about it. Very little else happened, it all just sort of inched along. Not how I should be feeling with less than a month to go before Wrestlemania.
MVP: I have to give this one to Seth Rollins. Even if he isn't in the dog house, he has had to endure one of the most humiliating things I can imagine, and he hasn't let it mess with his performance at all. He's still improving, still working his ass off, and he is still a star. He deserves the top spot more than any of the young guys I can think of right now.
Worst in show: Triple H. His segment this week was asinine, pointless fluff. It seemed like it was just there because the show was running long. It was totally tone deaf to the rest of the feud, and wasted too much of my time.
That's it for this week fans. I'll see you next week, and remember, it's just a show. Sit back and enjoy.
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