I never get tired of seeing this picture. Sorry Ellis. You know I love you.
Pre-show match: Kidd/Cesaro V. The Usos V. The New Day V. Los Matadores for the tag team titles
Let's get this train rolling right along and start with the tag team title match... which has been bumped to the pre-show. Already not a good start. The tag team titles have slowly been so devalued over the last couple years that it's embarrassing. I know they want to make the Andre the Giant Memorial battle royal a tradition, but battle royals suck. That easily could have been bumped to the pre-show for the sake of the tag titles. I'm really tired of seeing two whole divisions (Tag and Divas divisions) treated like a side note or a joke on a constant basis. It just doesn't make sense when your claim is that the fans are tuning in to see the WWE product rather than one or two wrestlers. That being said I expect this to be a good four way match, and at least everyone involved deserves a spot. All of these wrestlers know how to work a faster style, so they should be able to put in enough interesting spots that people won't be disappointed. I predict that Kidd and Cesaro will still be tag champions at the end of the night.
I also predict we will see a whole lot more of this guy than anyone wants
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
I'm not going to list every competitor in this match, because let's be honest, I would just end up copying and pasting the list from another site, and you don't really care anyway. The bottom line is that it's a battle royal where everyone starts in the ring, so the first 3/4ths of it will inevitably be boring as shit. It'll probably get interesting once we're down to the final four, but other than that I hope they at least have the decency to put it in the middle of the card so we can have a decent bathroom break. If they are smart, either the NXT participant or Damien Mizdow will win... but they're not smart so... I don't know, Ryback?
Cena V. Rusev for the United States title
I am actually looking forward to this match. I know, hang me from the smart mark gallows, but hear me out first. Rusev so far has been judged by most fans based on the shitty booking around him and the fact that he's a "big guy" so he never got a fair shake in the first place. Rusev is more talented than any man his size I have ever seen, and while it's hip to hate Cena and I do it a fair amount, he is a talented worker, and with a decent big man across from him I have a feeling he can deliver a fantastic match full of emotion. Don't pay attention to the fancy moves or highspots. In this match you need to pay attention to the emotion and story telling. That's what will put this one over the top... it could also be a giant, slow ass stink bomb of a match, so don't quote me on any of this. This is another instance where, if they're smart Rusev will win, but they're not smart so I see Cena walking out as your new US champion.
Yes yes, blah blah blah, USA is the best. CUT TO LANA GOD DAMN YOU!
Randy Orton V. Seth Rollins
This might well be the match I am least looking forward to. Not that I don't think it'll be a good match, it very much will. My problem is that I have a feeling Seth is about to start his punishment that he absolutely doesn't deserve. Funny how the victim of revenge porn is the one being punished for it, but I digress. This should be a fantastic match, but Orton winning is going to ruin it for me. If Seth wins, might very well be my favorite match of the night, even despite my boiling hate for Randy Orton. My prediction: Seth loses and no one cares because revenge porn is somehow justified when it happens to a man. Sorry, I feel like I kind of hung on that point, but it's been bothering me for a month now. Seth should continue his trajectory to the top. That's all there is to it.
The Bella Mannequins V Paige and AJ
This match has great potential. That might be all it ends up having though. Let's start with the positives.
Not what I meant! Though that part doesn't hurt.
I am unbelievably glad they didn't try to jam the entire Divas division into one match like they usually do. The Bellas have been steadily improving, AJ is incredibly talented, and Paige is good enough that this COULD be a fantastic match. Now the possible negatives. The Divas matches rarely get enough time to be good. Divas tag matches often fall flat to me because I feel like they don't get trained well enough in how to work a good tag match. Aside from all of that though, these are four Divas that I have noticed occasionally have nights where they just don't show up and their matches are garbage. I very much doubt we'll see that happen here, but it is a possibility to watch out for. I predict another win for the Bellas, because WWE knows who's making them their money.
Intercontinental title ladder match: Daniel Bryan, Bad News Barrett, Dean Ambrose, R-Truth, Stardust, Luke Harper, and Dolph Ziggler participating.
This is your replacement for the Money in the Bank ladder match, and it will probably live up to it. These are seven guys who can really put together a good match, and come up with some innovative spots. Why do I feel like Kofi would much rather be in this match than the pre-show tag match? Anyway, I'm excited for this one, and not because I want to see a serious injury like you sick bastards! The only issue I have is that I feel like Dean Ambrose, Daniel Bryan, Bad News Barrett and Dolph Ziggler have all done enough to earn a more singular, spotlighted match at Wrestlemania, but I'm honestly just going to be thankful they found spots for them at all. The build to it was stupid. The belt stealing gimmick made it seem like an episode of Looney Tunes, and it would have been fine for any other pay per view, but this is
Wrestle-fucking-Mania. Have some respect and gravitas for fuck sake! My prediction: I expect to see some really crazy, show stealing stuff from this match, that everyone forgets about by the time Sting's music plays. Also Daniel Bryan wins.
Bray Wyatt V. The Undertaker
This match... this match... oh lordy this match. The problem with this match is that I haven't the faintest fucking clue how it will go. It could be fantastic, it could be horrible. Bray could win, Taker could win, they could do a schmozz ending, Taker could die in the ring, who the fuck knows? There are even speculations (though they're likely completely unfounded) that Undertaker isn't even going to show up. This is the wildcard for me. I will make one prediction though. Undertaker's entrance will take at least four minutes. I think that's a pretty safe bet.
I know, I know. Just have some patience. He's almost half way done.
Triple H V. Sting
Ah yes. The match being fought because of a company that's been dead for almost fifteen years. There are some people who are really excited about this match, and I will admit, I loved Sting in WCW. I'm just not one to get excited for nostalgia sake. If the match is good, I will praise it thusly, but I have hated the build up so far, and Sting should have never said a word. If this match is good, it is good based solely on the match, because nothing surrounding the match has excited me in the slightest. I just think they're both too old to really make it great. I could be wrong, I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think I'm wrong.
This is the match I wanted to see. Of course we can't now, because time travel is impossible... stupid laws of physics!
WWE Title match: Brock Lesnar V. Roman Reigns
This might be the match I expect the most out of. I have enjoyed Brock Lesnar every single time they've trotted him out this year, and I don't think this will be any different. Roman Reigns may be a little green, but I don't think it's bad enough that it will throw Lesnar off. I see them having a great, fast paced, hard hitting, monster versus monster style match. I have a feeling that they're going to beat the absolute hell out of each other, and Lesnar is going to win. Then Seth Rollins is going to come down, cash in his MITB, win and spend the next however long feuding with Lesnar. That's how I would do it, but I'm just some douchebag typing angry thoughts from behind a computer.
Fuck you Disco Inferno! Don't look at me like that with your judgey eyes! Your gorgeous, judgey eyes...
Not going to lie, I really just wanted to work in a picture of Disco Inferno. So I did. Now we have to ask the big question. What does this Wrestlemania mean for the future of the business? I think first and foremost we will see a harbinger of whether or not really understand what we mean when we say give Divas a chance. We will also see if Vince thinks having the belt on a part time wrestler is working or not. If the title is changing hands soon, I have a feeling it's happening here. The thing I'm most looking forward to seeing is how long they let the NXT wrestler stay in the battle royal. That might not tell us anything, but it might tell us a whole lot more than you think. Those are my thoughts for Wrestlemania this year. Everyone enjoy the show and remember to party responsibly... Or whatever. I'm not your mom.
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