Did Raw Suck This Week 3/2/15

Welcome ladies and gentlemen, to this week's edition of Did Raw Suck. I know I skipped last week and the Fast Lane PPV, so let's catch you up to speed. Roman Reigns won, Bray Wyatt is fighting the Undertaker, and the hot Bella Mannequin is still Divas champion. That's all that matters, right? Anyway, let's get started. We're halfway down the road to Wrestlemania, and I really have to pee.

Raw begins by letting us know its taking place in New Jersey... ew. The first person to come out is Seth Rollins, who gets and odd pop, followed by the more expected boos. They recap the Seth Rollins/Jon Stewart feud for us. God I hope we get a match between those two. I want a 25 minute classic. It would rival Flair/Steamboat. Only half of the last paragraph is sarcastic. Seth tells us that Stewart has finished with his comedy show (whatever that's called) and is on his way to the arena. Rollins then warns Stewart to turn around and go home, but I have a feeling that's not going to happen.

Apparently Seth is going to show everyone that he can do Jon Stewart's job better than he can. We're going to see an episode of the Daily Show hosted by Seth Rollins? I would watch that. Seth's mic work here is really good, even if it is for a feud with a comedian. Roman Reigns' music interrupts him, incredibly rudely I might add. The Samoan Aquaman makes his way through the crowd. They boo him, but he makes fun of Seth Rollins, and suddenly everyone loves him again. Rollins continues cutting his promo, but Reigns laughs and mocks him through the whole thing, which is really stupid. Maybe try putting someone else over, Roman.

Reigns doesn't seem so happy when Seth suggests he can out wrestle Roman, and that he's going to be the next WWE champ. Seth then tells Roman that he can't beat Brock Lesnar, but Seth can beat Brock as well as Roman. Roman brings up Seth's earlier loss to Brock, as if history matters in wrestling. No one remembers that Roman, it was months ago! Reigns tries to goad Seth into using his Briefcase to insert himself into the Wrestlemania main event, but Sethy poo isn't biting. It gets heated and Roman hits Seth. The New Stooges attack, but are easily taken out. Reigns watches with his dreamy eyes as Seth makes his way up the ramp, holding his jaw. Afterward the announce team discusses what just went on, ruining it completely.

This was a good opening segment. I'm noticing a lack of Stephanie and Triple H in these opening segments lately, and I couldn't be happier. This was a good exchange between two promising young wrestlers who need the TV time. They both did a decent job, Rollins obviously better than Reigns. Overall, a very nice start to this week's show.

Back from commercial and Seth is backstage selling his wounds. Suddenly Orton shows up, causing boredom tears to instantly flow from my eyes. I should get that checked out. Orton admonishes the New Stooges for not protecting Seth. Orton acts like he's Seth's friend, and suggests he demand a match with Roman... a real friend would never suggest fighting Roman Reigns... like ever. Seth thanks Orton for the advice, and sends him on his way.

Back out to the ring, and Dean Ambrose is on his way down with his stolen Intercontinental title. Barrett, the title's rightful holder, is already waiting in the ring. For some reason R-Truth is on commentary. I think Vince wants me to kill myself. I won't do it. I won't give him the satisfaction. From the looks of it this is turning into a three way feud involving R-Truth, and I don't like that idea at all. #CancelWWENetwork

The match is a good back and forth brawl, as you probably assumed it would be. I think someone finally told Dean Ambrose that constantly sticking his tongue out looked ridiculous, because he doesn't do it as much here. R-Truth is uselss on commentary, but at least he's back to being entertaining, crazy, arachnophobic R-Truth. That's the R-Truth I love. In the middle of the match, R-Truth "steals" the IC title off the ring apron... I don't get it but whatever. The match is still good. The match would be even better if we didn't randomly cut to the announce table to watch Luke Harper appear and be weird, before taking the IC title and walking away. This distracts Barrett, allowing Ambrose to hit Dirty Deeds and get the pin. Stupid ending to a great match.

We get a flashback to Smackdown where Miz screwed up Damien Sandow's commercial shoot out of jealousy. They have already dragged this feud on way too long. We don't need to be recapping Smackdown stuff to make it seem longer. The segment isn't even very entertaining, but they show every second of it. We cut backstage to a bunch of random people who aren't booked on the show, waiting for Miz to debut the commercial. Sandow warns him not to, but he does anyway. Turns out it's a commercial for erectile dysfunction pills. It's not funny, but you didn't expect it to be. Everyone laughs, Miz gets mad, and blames Sandow. It's stupid, but at least it's stupid! Miz slaps Sandow, and they get in each other's faces. Miz threatens to fire him and he backs down, because why pull the trigger when you can drag it out even more?

Back from break and Bray Wyatt comes out. There's an old school wooden coffin on the stage, and Bray Wyatt cuts a promo around it. It's a decent promo, questioning whether the Undertaker is still the phenom he was, if he can still get the job done. Wyatt pulls out a gas can while he talks about fire and its destructive properties. He pours gasoline on the coffin, and cuts a little more promo, promising the Undertaker will burn. He then sets the casket on fire, which makes for a really cool visual as he screams into the flames.

Another break, and we're treated to Kidd, Cesaro, and Natalya. The flying Uso twins are out next with Naomi, who I have fallen in love with. If she's not the future of the Diva's division, WWE has lost their minds. The match is good, but way too short. It ends when Natalya, with an injured ankle, is tagged in and gets pinned. Natty and Tyson fight after the match, but quickly make up, to the chagrin of the crowd. The announce team recaps the segment, once again making the whole thing stupid. We get an announcement that Seth Rollins v Roman Reigns is happening as the main event tonight. Am I supposed to believe they went to air having no idea what their main event was going to be? Thank goodness this happened, or they would be missing an entire last half hour of a show! My god, we're only one hour in. This episode is dragging... not a good sign.

After another break, The only man in the history of the WWE with a PhD in Thuganomics makes his way to the ring. We get a recap of Rusev refusing Cena's rematch request, before segueing right into Cena's promo, which I am sure won't piss me off at all. Cena says the haters got to see Rusev kick his ass, but don't get too comfy with seeing that. He whines about not getting a rematch, and the crowd is booing the shit out of him here. Has New Jersey ever liked Cena? He says he's entering himself in the Andre the Giant memorial battle royal, and this news brings Stephanie McMahon down. Imagine my joy. At least she's in there with Cena, and not someone who has to worry about looking bad.

Stephanie asks since when do Wrestlers get to decide which matches they're in. Since forever Stephanie. Watch wrestling some time. She says Cena is disparaging the name of Andre, who was a close personal friend of hers. She then tells Cena he doesn't get a spot in the battle royal. He calls her a bitch, which is uncalled for. She's just doing her job. They go back and forth, before Stephanie gets annoyed and shouts at Cena, telling him he doesn't define WWE. She says if John Cena sits Wrestlemania out (which the crowd loves) the WWE would go on and thrive just fine. She's actually good here, but she's being a face and she's not supposed to be, so I don't have to say nice things about her. Thank god.

For some reason, in the middle of all this, Curtis Axel comes out. He claims to have been in the Royal Rumble for over 30 days, which gets a laugh out of my family. He says he knows he's already in the battle royal, and sucks up to Stephanie McMahon some, trying to get a shot at the title. The crowd starts chanting Axelmania, and I don't hate New Jersey as much as I used to. Stephanie then makes a match with Cena v Axel, and then announces that Cena can have a US title shot at Wrestlemania, if he can convince Rusev to accept. Cena tells Axel to leave, or he will not walk out of this ring. It sounds hokey, but he does it in a way that gives me chills. This was a bizzare segment that didn't need to take nearly this long. I know I'm probably being biased due to my hate for Stephnie, but truthfully she does a good job in this segment. I was impressed with her, just not the rest of it.

Axel starts by doing some Hogan poses, but is cut off by Cena. He makes quick work of Axel, forcing him to tap out to his horrible, horrible STF. Cena does a good job here of telling a story with his face. His emotions are very compelling. Rusev comes out, and people don't care at all. They gave Curtis Axel more of a reaction. Rusev just came out to let Cena know he won't be changing his mind. That doesn't make RoboCena very happy. The giant flag drops behind him, capping off a fairly effective segment. I hate to say it, but Cena really did a fantastic job here of selling emotion. They send us to a pretape of Michael Cole interviewing Michael Hayes and Arn Anderson about Sting. At this point I am so sick of hearing about Sting that I can't even listen to the Police anymore.

Commercial note: I will not make a Special Olympics joke, I will not make a Special Olympics joke, I will not make a Special Olympics joke...

Back from break, and Triple H walks down to the ring. Seeing him in a suit is still fucking surreal. He was the Disciplinarian for fuck sake!(If you don't get that joke, you clearly don't love the Drew Carey show on the same level as I do.) Triple H cuts a promo about how big his kayfabe dick is, before talking some more about Sting. I wish I could give you a run down of the promo, but my brain has developed a block where anytime someone mentions Sting, all I can hear is white noise. At one point he calls Booker T into the ring, and it really seems like he's doing improv here. It's not fun. Booker implies that Triple H used his power to keep sting out of the WWE and OH WHO GIVES A SHIT?! God dammit! This segment is pointless and stupid and I hate that this match is even taking place. I'm bored, the crowd's bored, Booker T even seems bored! We get it, Sting is a big deal. You have now run it into the ground to the point where nobody cares. Triple H fires Booker T, which makes him a face in my book. They stare at each other longingly for a while before Booker walks to the back.

Halfway up the ramp Triple H stops him to tell him he's not firing him. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! What's the point of all of this?!?! Know what, I don't care. This segment is absolutely the most boring thing I have seen out of WWE in the last month. It feels like the show was running short, so they just sent Triple H out there to screw around for a few minutes. The crowd gives zero shits, and you can really hear it at the end of his promo. Nothing but crickets. No one cares about Triple H versus Sting at this point. Hell, I would be surprised if Sting cared. I know I sound like I'm being unfairly harsh, but I defy anyone to name one good thing about this ridiculous, tone deaf segment.

Back from break, and we're getting a Diva's title rematch between Paige and Nikki Bella. The match is decent, but short, and ends when Paige locks in the PTO and Brie interferes to cause the DQ. They beat her up a little before AJ comes out and cleans house on the Bella Mannequins. Nikki sneak attacks her, and gets the upperhand before Paige comes to and starts helping. They dump the Bellas to the outside, before AJ's music plays.

Back from break and AJ is skipping down the hall toward an interview with Renee Young. Paige is there too, and they spend some time ragging on the Bellas before deciding to team up against them. Back to the ring where we have Seth Rollins and his Daily Show set up. He really doesn't so much do a Daily Show style segment, as sit at a desk and try to make jokes while talking about Jon Stewart with a screen behind him. Whoever wrote it thinks they're really funny, and they're very much not. Jon Stewart interrupts, and the crowd gives him a polite round of applause. Is there NO crossover between wrestling fans and Daily Show viewers? I really expected a bigger pop here.

They banter back and forth a bit, none of which is all that great. Stewart is mildly funny. I assume he brought his own writers. Jon rips into Seth, who doesn't seem to take it well. It gets interesting when Stewart tells Seth that the Authority doesn't care about him. After all, he's not in the main event of Wrestlemania. Seth gets mad and starts intimidating Stewart, but the Orton 5000 comes out and distracts Rollins, letting Stewart hit the low blow. Textbook. I don't like how bad Seth has been made to look since Orton came back. This should be the opposite way around, but it was entertaining, so I can't complain too much.

Back from break and we have Renee Young interviewing Jon Stewart backstage, and he's nervous about seeing Seth Rollins. He scampers off as we go back to the ring to see Luke Harper's entrance. Daniel Bryan is out next, and the crowd is going to be into Daniel Bryan until long after he retires. It's sad to see him so aimless heading into Wrestlemania.

The match is weird, sloppy and ugly. These two can't seem to connect at all. Luke Harper is sloppy with his moves, and I know that's his character, but it ends up just looking dangerous and messy. It's fast though, ending when Daniel makes Harper tap to the Yes lock. After the match Wade Barrett comes and takes his IC title back, only to have Ambrose attack him and steal it again. This storyline is fun, but didn't need to be the lead up to a Wrestlemania match. It just seems so silly for a Wrestlemania feud. In the end, Luke Harper ends up with the belt after obliterating R-Truth. He pauses to celebrate at the top of the ramp, and eats a surprise Super kick from Dolph Ziggler, who grabs the title himself. The camera goes back and forth between Ziggler and Bryan for a bit before we get an announcement that Alundra Blayze will be going into the WWE hall of fame this year. Not something I thought I would see happen in my lifetime after she threw the women's title in the garbage, but good for her. She totally deserves this. Talk about Chyna, Ivory, Lita and Trish all you want, Alundra Blayze is the one who brought women's wrestling back for good, and made it a lot of fun to watch.

We get a segment where Orton tells Seth he saved him from committing career suicide and hitting Jon Stewart. Orton says Rollins should thank him. Orton says he can help Rollins tonight, but Big Show and Kane walk up and say they have Rollins' back. Jamie Noble tells Randy they don't need him out there before the Amazing Viper Boy walks off.

Back from break and out comes Paul Heyman to talk about his client, who we aren't sure we'll ever see again. Heyman reassures us Brock will be at Wrestlemania, and puts him over just like he always does... awesomely. Paul Heyman could sell me my own plot in hell, I swear to Santa Christ. The crowd is dead here, and it's not Heyman's fault. They've been weird all night. Heyman finishes his promo, and Reigns comes out. Heyman quickly and wisely walks to the back.

Rollins is already down there when we come back from break, so they use the time they didn't use showing us his entrance, to show us a replay of a thing that happened less than two hours ago, because WWE has no faith in us as viewers. Seth makes the match halfway interesting, but it's not great. It's decent, but I wouldn't rave a ton about it. Mid way through, Orton comes out, because who the fuck want's to watch wrestling? The match ends when Orton distracts Reigns so Rollins can roll him up for the pin. Afterward Reigns goes nuts on the Authority, and the show closes.

So... did it suck? It's hard to say it sucked. The only truly awful thing was the Triple H segment. The biggest problem with this Raw is that it was insanely boring. It felt like a filler show. We got a weird set up for a four way Intercontinental title match, and some advancement in the Diva's division. That's really about it. Very little else happened, it all just sort of inched along. Not how I should be feeling with less than a month to go before Wrestlemania.

MVP: I have to give this one to Seth Rollins. Even if he isn't in the dog house, he has had to endure one of the most humiliating things I can imagine, and he hasn't let it mess with his performance at all. He's still improving, still working his ass off, and he is still a star. He deserves the top spot more than any of the young guys I can think of right now.

Worst in show: Triple H. His segment this week was asinine, pointless fluff. It seemed like it was just there because the show was running long. It was totally tone deaf to the rest of the feud, and wasted too much of my time.

That's it for this week fans. I'll see you next week, and remember, it's just a show. Sit back and enjoy.