Did Raw Suck This Week? 3/9/15

Welcome to another edition of did Raw Suck This Week? I, as always, am your host, Dale Curtis, and we are three weeks away from Wrestlemania! What does this mean for the landscape of the WWE? Fuck if we know! Vince Russo booked the whole show five minutes ago on a napkin! Good luck, fuckers!

We open Raw with Randy Orton, and I'm already bored to shit. Good luck getting through this opening segment without me falling asleep. The rest of the Authority is in the ring applauding him as he walks down to the ring. Kane says they wanted to praise Orton in public to show everyone that he really is part of the Authority. Big Show then takes the mic, and gets no respect from the fans. Rather this segment gets no love, because it's fucking boring. All I can think about is whether or not Big Show stole my beard dye.

Jamie Noble gets to talk next! He starts to say nice things, but then yells that Orton is a no good snake who can't be trusted. Rollins is then a dick while assuring Orton that Jamie is happy to have him back. Joey Mercury doesn't seem so thrilled. Neither am I, but no one gives a shit about that, do they? Seth talks some more, trying to save the segment. It doesn't work. Not for lack of trying. Seth is great, but this segment is stupid and pointless. Is boring heat a thing they're TRYING to get now? Seth makes me laugh when he insults the Big Show. I think Seth is one of the biggest future stars on the roster.

Seth and Orton shake hands before Seth demands that the crowd stand and pay respect to Orton. They do, because the Authority are the only people who haven't realized that Randy Orton is a face now. Orton thanks them for the kind words, before asking what happened to the Authority. They've become a bunch of ass kissers. He goes down the line reprimanding each one for going soft, skipping Joey Mercury, which gets a genuine laugh. Orton is actually really good here. I dare say he's the best part of the segment. My main criticism of Orton was that he got lazy, but he seems to be really trying here. He tears into Seth Rollins, threatening to rip him apart. He then insists he's just screwing around, which is stupid. Seth takes the mic again for a bit, hyping up the main event before bringing the Authority in for a group hug/in unison catchphrase moment. I reiterate... stupid.

The announcers let us know Wiz Khalifa will be the special guest star for tonight. I'd say something sarcastic right now, but Wiz Khalifa doesn't even deserve my sarcasm. Daniel Bryan comes down to the ring sporting a ponytail, which actually looks good on him. They tell us he'll be facing Bad News Barrett before sending us to commercial.

Back from break, and Wade Barrett has a fucking twelve pack. Redonkulus. R-Truth is on commentary for the match, but it's crazy R-Truth, so I totally approve. The match is awesome, as you would expect from Daniel Bryan and Wade Barrett. They have a real interesting chemistry. The match is slower paced, but they use that to its benefit, telling a slower paced story and really drawing the fans in. It would have had much more impact if we didn't keep cutting away to R-Truth, and if we didn't have a commercial in the middle of the match.

The match ends quickly after the commercial when Daniel Bryan hits the flying knee. I wish they had given them more time. I could watch these two go for months. Daniel celebrates in the ring, but gets hit with a surprise bullhammer. Barrett then yells at Truth before making his way to the back. Before he can get up the ramp, Dean Ambrose comes down and lays him out with a clothesline, sending us to commercial.

Back from break and we're getting Ambrose versus Stardust, who is currently in possession of Wade Barrett's Intercontinental title. It's worth noting that R-Truth is still on commentary. It's also worth noting that he's wearing out his welcome. The match itself is fast paced and innovative, but it also has a commercial break. This is something that's starting to bug me. You wouldn't see UFC do that. Why does WWE want to send the message that the matches aren't important enough to air? The match ends when Ambrose hits Dirty Deeds for the pin.

After the match Dean takes the belt, but Barrett attacks him. Bryan comes out to attack Barrett, and Luke Harper follows close behind. Dolph is out next, and it is officially a clusterfuck. During the fracas, R-Truth sneaks in and grabs the IC title, putting it in a potato sack before going back to the announce table. Wade Barrett ends up on top of the in ring confrontation, and gets mad when he can't find the title. He goes after Truth, who gives him a potato sack, but it doesn't have the belt in it. Instead it has a toy replica. So we're supposed to believe Wade Barrett has no idea how much the belt weighs?

To the announce table, and they're unbearable for a few minutes before announcing the next hall of fame inductee, and first recipient of the newly minted Warrior award for inspirational people, Connor the Crusher. Great, I'm going to cry now. Awesome. Thanks WWE. I'm not supposed to cry while watching wrestling! In all seriousness, this is really awesome. Connor has become somewhat of a mascot for the WWE's make a wish efforts. It's really a beautiful story, and I love that he will be forever immortalized in the hall of fame. So cool. By the way, I was right, I cried like a baby. Fuck you WWE. Fuck you.

Back from break, and Paul Heyman is here to ruin any good feelings you had left over from the Connor the Crusher segment. Heyman doesn't say much at first, he just kicks us to a video. It's a tribute package to Roman Reigns. It's very well done, as we've come to expect from the WWE editing team. Once the video is done, Heyman introduces Brock Lesnar in the way only he can. Goosebumps.

The green onion alien walks down to the ring, and Heyman calls the Roman Reigns video propaganda. He mocks the video, and Roman Reigns' rise to the top. He says the truth is that Roman's father used to make him fight football players, and his uncle made him fight muscle heads. It's a weird promo, but Heyman is always great, and this is no exception. He says Brock will kill anyone who tries to screw him. Seems a little extreme... also illegal. He promises an epic ass kicking, before his mic malfunctions again. Heyman plays it off like someone in the back is cutting him off, and challenges anyone to take a shot at Brock Lesnar, even saying if Brock wins he might unify the WWE and UFC titles. Doubtful. Maybe even go beat the crap out of Floyd Mayweather. I told you it was weird. He says the title no longer belongs to WWE. It belongs to Brock Lesnar.

Heyman is his typical awesome manic self, selling both Brock and Roman Reigns very well. Every time he's in the ring I get worried he's going to burst a vein in his head. His intensity is better than most wrestlers. They stare at the Wrestlemania sign for a little bit as the announcers talk over everything and ruin it. We cut to a Bray Wyatt promo where he's staring at the urn, angry that Taker hasn't shown up yet.  It's short and sends us to a commercial.

Back from break and we get a replay of Kane and Ryback butting heads on Smackdown. After which we see Big Show and Kane waiting in the ring. Rowan and Ryback come out to face them. This should be... unnecessary... and bad. Ok, so it's not as bad as I expect. It's not good, but it's not bad either. The pace is fast enough with the tag format that it doesn't get too boring. It's just formulaic, not needed, and the crowd is dead. Luckily it's short, and ends when Big Show accidentally punches Kane... again. Are we really doing this storyline? The writing staff is barely trying at this point. After the match Kane yells at Big Show, who seems less than remorseful. This brings out Stephanie McMahon, because god forbid she skip an episode.

She makes Kane and Big Show seem small as she yells at them, which is SO counter productive, but I've spent enough time ranting about Stephanie McMahon's awfulness. She sends them both packing so they can think about what they've done. If someone doesn't stab Stephanie at the end of all this, it won't be a big enough pay off. The announcers show us Miz's erectile dysfunction bit again, which wasn't funny last week, and surprise surprise, isn't funny now.  I said it before and I'll say it again, they waited too long to pull the trigger on the Miz/Sandow feud. We get a segment backstage with Miz trying to convince Wiz Khalifa to do an album with him. Wiz says no, because he already signed Wizdow. Sandow is dressed as Wiz, which I'm pretty sure is blackface even without the paint. He raps... I think. It's not good, but it's funny. Miz walks off mad, and Wiz can't even make eye contact with the camera man after that.

Back from break and Lilian Garcia brings out Wiz Khalifa. The reaction is as mild as it always is for guest musical stars. Wiz "raps" if you can call it that. I am a huge fan of rap. This is atrocious. Seriously, this is horrible, the crowd hates it, I hate it, pretty sure even Wiz hates it. Of course there's no way of knowing. He's an idiot. This segment goes on way the hell too long. I can't describe to you how much I am fucking hating this segment. They can't even cut to a shot of the crowd where anyone is paying attention. I can't believe I am saying this, but I wish they would have just made the Kane/Big Show tag match ten minutes longer. It would be less painful. Sandow comes out at the end, which is the only thing that saves him.

The announce team shows us a replay of last week when Brie interfered in Paige and Nikki's match. Then AJ returned, and most of the WWE Universe came simultaneously. It happens from time to time. Nothing to be alarmed about. We then get a shot of AJ and Paige walking down the hall as we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, and the Bella Mannequins are watching their bit from the Flintstones movie before being interviewed about it... for some reason. They make fun of Paige and AJ, using Flintstones references the whole time. It made me wish Wiz Khalifa was still rapping. Ok that's an exaggeration, but not much of one.

Next is a match between Summer Rae and AJ. It's ok, but it's basically AJ wrestling a broom. I take that back. A broom would probably be less problematic and annoying. This would really be much better if it were anyone but Summer in there with her. I can not emphasize enough how much Summer needs to not be a "wrestler" anymore. The match is mercifully short, and ends when Summer taps to the black widow submission. Someone has a "Free Super Dave" sign. I don't know what that means, but I am all for it.

Back from commercial and we get a video from Sting, which is well produced. The voice talking over it is clearly not Sting though. You guys really couldn't get Sting in to do the voice over? Other than that it's a well done video for a match I have no interest in. This is actually the first segment they've had for this feud that has even given me the slightest bit of enjoyment, so kudos for that.

After the video, the announcers talk about it. You'd think they would learn to stop letting them do that. We get a shot of Rusev walking down the hall, but he runs into John Cena. Cena cuts a stupid, sappy U.S.A. promo. It is horrible. It sounds like a fucking Fox news promo. Cena says if Rusev says anything about the country he happened to be born in, he'll commit unsanctioned assault. Way to be a star Cena.

Back from break and Rusev comes down to the ring. I wonder if he'll say something about America. Just kidding, I don't wonder that at all. Turns out Rusev is getting a match against Curtis Axel, because something happened on Smackdown. Jesus, it's like they want us to watch Smackdown or something. Rusev attacks him before the bell rings, and the match is barely worth talking about. Another squash, Axel taps to the Accolade, and Axelmania is running wild. After the match Rusev tells Lana to get a mic, but she protests, so he gets it himself. He talks some shit about America, and Dr. Johnny McThugpants comes out looking none too happy. RoboCena attacks, and locks him in the STF. He refuses to let go until Rusev passes out. The easily pleased crowd pops for this.

Cena grabs a bottle of water and pours it on Rusev, reviving him just so he can lock it on again. Rusev taps this time, which is absolutely ridiculous. Lana begs Cena to let him go before giving him the title match at Mania. Cena lets go when the magic words are said, and smiles his creepy, Terminator smile. Did anyone doubt for a second there would be a rematch? I'd like to think wrestling fans are smarter than that, but a lot of us aren't. We get another short Bray Wyatt promo where he stares at the urn before commercial.

Back from break and the doctors are checking out Rusev, who is ranting in Russian. Out to the ring where a New Day is dancing and clapping. That's their character, I don't know what you're expecting. We get a small in the box promo where they talk like stereotypical black guys. Out next are Cesaro, Tyson Kidd and Natalya. I love the three of these people together. It's a weird perfect trifecta.

The match is fairly standard, but Cesaro and Kidd really shine. They make a great cheating tag team. Woods and Big E hold their own, but I couldn't possibly care less about them. They have no character and aren't connecting with anyone. The match ends when Kidd almost runs into Natalya, and gets distracted long enough for Woods to get the roll up. Before much celebrating can be done, the Flying Uso twins bring Naomi down to the ring for her one on one match with Natalya.

Back from commercial, and the match is already underway. This match is far better and more interesting than the earlier Divas match. I love both these women. It's too short, and ends when Naomi hits the rearview. Afterward Tyson and Natalya argue. Los Matadores come down as Natalya is walking back. Were they running short and needed to jam three matches in quick? They're down to have a match with the Usos.

The match is fast paced and entertaining, but once again we get a mid match commercial. Something must have run long *cough*WizKhalifa*cough* because the pacing for this last hour of Raw has been ridiculously quick. They're not giving me time to enjoy or digest anything. I enjoy the tag match very much though. They hit some interesting spots, the pacing is nice. The only problem is the crowd doesn't care about Los Matadores. It's also hard for the crowd to get into a face v face match. It ends when Matador #1 shoves Uso #2 into El Torito and gets the roll up off the rebound.

Next we get a recap of the opening segment, because three hours is a stupid amount of time. Take it back to two, and maybe you won't have to spend an hour recapping things. We then get a segment with Seth Rollins telling the New Stooges they need to trust him, and they need to trust Randy Orton. They have a bad feeling about it, but Seth is confident.

Back from break and we get an in ring Bray Wyatt promo, which is always better than the pretapes. This one is no exception. It is once again almost nonsensical, but that's fantastic. Bray Wyatt is great in his character. He hurls several threats at Taker, and I'm realizing what a shame it is that Brock beat Taker last year and not Bray Wyatt. The urn sits in the middle of the ring during the promo, on a strange purple platform. Bray stops talking and opens the Urn, looking inside. He says it's empty, but it suddenly starts smoking. The lights flash, and Brays gets as excited as the crowd does. Lightning graphics flash, and then the gong sounds, causing the crowd to lose their shit. The lights go out. A spot light come son, and Bray's rocking chair is sitting in the middle of the ring. Bray sells it like a champ. It ends with a rest in Piece soundbite playing over the PA system, and Bray's chair randomly getting struck by lightning and starting on fire as Wyatt laughs in the background. Strong visuals and a compelling segment. Very different from what we're used to.

Another break and we get two recaps in a row. One of the segment we just watched, and another of the Cena/Rusev segment. Seriously guys... two hours. Roman Reigns heads down to the ring next for his handicap match with Orton and Rollins. It's good for a handicap match, but it's clearly set up less to be a match, and more for the shenanigans between Orton and the rest of the Authority. One thing I do notice is Roman Reigs getting very little reaction. This is not a good sign. Back to the match, and surprise surprise, Orton turns on Seth, refusing to tag him, before flipping the double bird. Reigns spears Rollins for the pin.

After the match Orton gets into the ring and yell sat Seth for not thinking he could do something like that. Orton beats the crap out of him outside the ring. Both men do a really good job of selling the whole thing. I'm quite impressed. The beat down is vicious, but a little slow, and I don't buy that it takes anyone this long to help. I know he sent the Stooges away, and Kane and Big Show are gone, but at least get some refs out there to pretend to try to stop it. That's my only real complaint. otherwise it's a solid segment that's actually got me interested in a Randy Orton match. Crazy. I lied, I do have one other complaint. Seth Rollins has been made to look incredibly weak since Orton came back, and this is no exception. It would have been much smarter if it turns out Stephanie throwing Show and Kane out was fake, and they came out to destroy Orton. That's me playing fantasy booker now though. It ends with an RKO on the announce table.

So... did it suck? No. It came close though. There were some really awful segments, but they were saved by a few really great segments. The beat down at the end went too long and the opening segment was terrible. I might rank this one higher if those things weren't the case, but they are. This show gets the mediocre stamp.

MVP: Bray Wyatt by a mile. That segment was brilliant, and only he could have sold it so well.

Worst in show: Wiz Khalifa Wiz Khalifa and more Wiz Khalifa. It went too long, and it sucked. There is nothing on this show or last week's show that compares to Wiz Khalifa's shittiness.

That's it for another week fans. Remember, it's just a show. Enjoy it.