Did Raw Suck This Week? 4/13/15

Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to another edition of "Did Raw Suck This Week?" Are you ready to spend three hours watching the most hit and miss programming on television? Well belly up and spin the roulette wheel! We're about to get RAW!

We start with Dr. Johnathon Cornelius Cena coming out to flaunt his thuganomics degree to an incredibly hateful British crowd. Also, it turns out Michael Cole is back.  Is it bad that I was kind of hoping he was really hurt? Cena milks the boos, as one lone Cena fan backs him up. Way to go lone Cena fan. You are truly a hero. He compliments the crowd, and tells them Wrestlemania should be in London for a cheap pop, and they totally buy it. Smart fans my ass. Cena then starts talking about Rusev, and the crowd's give a shit meter plummets. Cena then announces that his open challenge starts right now.

Bad News Barrett comes out to accept the challenge. JBL points out that John Cena is surprised... why? We're in England. Learn to anticipate John. Barrett is over like big tits, to no one's surprise. The problem with these matches is that we know Cena is going to win. It's going to be a while before he loses, so there's not as much drama as there should be. That being said, it elevates mid card talent. Getting a solid, decent length match with Cena is a very good thing. Barrett uses his time in the spotlight well, having a very good, well paced match. Barrett gets a lot of offense, and even kicks out of one AA but Cena wins with the second one.

After the match, Lana comes out to a decent pop.She distracts Cena for a minute so Rusev can attack him from behind with a chain. She then announces their match at Extreme rules will be a Russian chain match... whatever the fuck that means. Rusev then holds up the chain and the US title as the Russian flag falls behind him. Did Cena not see the flag sitting up there and consider that something might be planned?

We go to a shot of the announcer's table, and they babble on about some bullshit about Cole suing Brock Lesnar, but Cole quickly changes topic. They give us a replay of Randy Orton winning the number one contender's match last week. They run down some matches that will happen tonight before the Bella mannequins come down to have a seat at the commentary table. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I would rather watch them wrestle.

Back from break, and we get a Divas battle royal. Oh joy. You know how much I love those! The crowd goes wild for Paige, because British. The first thing I notice are there are only 8 divas in the ring. Are there really only ten diva sin the division? They need to call up some NXT ladies quick. The battle royal isn't as boring as they usually are, but that's the lowest bar anything has ever had to jump over. For some reason Cameron and Alicia are in the final four. The talent in the Divas division is THIN. Thankfully it comes down to Paige and Naomi, and they have a pretty good back and forth with plenty of drama. Paige wins of course, because it's not time to turn Naomi heel yet.

Another break, and when we come back, Byron Saxton is in the ring interviewing Paige. She talks about her accomplishments, and cuts a hometown promo, and the crowd adores her. Naomi then attacks in the middle of the promo... I guess it IS time to turn Naomi heel.She beats the crap out of Paige, getting insane heat for it. Beautifully executed.

A creepy Bray Wyatt promo pops on the TV, and this week crazy Uncle Bray is talking about love. Its ups, its downs, its risks, its rewards. He threatens to rip his opponents love out of his chest and replace it with fear, because fear is stronger. I'm not doing it justice. Bray is amazing.

After another break we get the Lucha Dragons versus the Ascension. It's quick, but spectacular to watch. The Lucha Dragons win with an Asai DDT/Swanton bomb combo. I couldn't help but feel like this match could have used more time, but it was fun for what it was. The announcers pimp the network a bit before sending us to commercial.

Commercial note: I know I bitched about The Marine 4 twice last week, but really guys? Does the world really need a third sequel to that pile of cliched garbage?

Back from break and Booker T is in the ring to interview Roman Reigns. Reigns comes out, and the British crowd actually seems to like him... kinda... a little. Booker asks him how he feels about losing at Wrestlemania. Before he can answer, some of the crowd chants "suplex city". Reigns says he's been there, and it hurt. Roman then says he did everything he said he would do, but win. He claims to have been close to beating him, which nobody really believes. He says Seth took his moment, and now he's going to beat Seth's ass.

Booker talks about Big Show costing him the number one contendership last week. Reigns calls Big Show Seth's giant bitch. They're throwing the bitch word around a lot lately. Big Show interrupts from the giant screen, and says Reigns was the one who failed, and people are happy about it. Show says while Reigns was losing, Big Show was winning the Andre the Giant battle royal. He calls Roman a bum, which are fighting words if you're a boxer from the 1940's. Big Show says he's going to derive pleasure from turning Reigns into a failure. The crowd chants boring, and I hate that chant this time they're right.

Roman accuses Big Show of being a wimp who talks from the back. Reigns warns Show that if he doesn't stay out of his business, Reigns is going to shove the Andre Battle Royal trophy down Show's throat. Reigns did a good job here of getting himself over. Big Show still needs to retire. Reigns walks up the ramp, but before he can step backstage, Big Show pops out and beats him stupid. The crowd has clearly been reading my column, as they chant "please retire" at Big Show. Ouch. Big Show responds by throwing Reigns on top of the car, and choke slamming him on the roof so hard it sends us to commercial.

We come back and we get an immediate replay of the last segment. The announcers tell us that Roman walked away from the car under his own power during the break. Orton comes out for his match with Cesaro, and the crowd doesn't care. Not much of a pop and no booing. Not a good sign. The match is slow, and way too short. It ends when Tyson pulls Orton off the apron and gets Cesaro disqualified. After the match Kane comes out and tells Orton not to celebrate. He can't let this match end in a DQ when the stipulation for the Extreme Rules match is on the line. Kane says the match will restart as a handicap match, with Tyson being thrown in.

The match restarts, and it's good enough. I hate handicap matches, and having the tag team champions in it isn't helping. No reason for the tag champs to be beaten by ANY one competitor, even Randy Orton. It's well done, but it ends as you would expect when Orton hits an RKO on Tyson Kidd. It was off of a springboard though, and looked really cool.

Cut backstage to Rollins, Kane and the New Stooges watching Orton win. Rollins mocks Kane, and says he won't be facing Ziggler later. He decides he'll be facing Jamie Noble. I love Seth being the big headed asshole who manipulates everything and tries to call the shots. Noble says Kane should be the one to lay down for Seth, and Kane threatens his testicles with a car battery. Seth says it doesn't matter, but he needs to win, so Kane needs to protect him however he needs to, including losing to Seth.

Back from break and we're getting a match between Dean Ambrose and Adam Rose, because apparently WWE really wants me to keep watching. It's a really good jobber match, which Dean wins with Dirty Deeds. Backstage Corporate Kane is talking on his corporate cell phone. Big Show comes into the shot and gives him a speech telling him he needs to do what's best for business.

Another break and we come back to Stardust coming to the ring for his match with Fandango. It's another short jobber match. Well done but why did it need to happen? Maybe next time don't put the jobber matches one right after the other. Oh well. At least they're still interested in Stardust.

After the match, Fandango cuts a promo where he gets on the announce table and starts dancing. The crowd loves it, and plays along, Fandango-ing as they play his original music. Fandango even takes JBL's hat at one point. Has he just lost his mind and started improvising, because that would be cool. We get a backstage segment with Kane and Daniel Bryan where Daniel Bryan tries to convince Kane to be a monster instead of a corporate sell out, and not lay down for Seth. He even references the finger poke of doom. I can not stress how much Daniel has improved on the mic since coming here. Kane gets pissed and almost snaps on Bryan.

Back from break and we get a replay of Cena beating Barrett, and getting beat on by Rusev. The announcers tell us John Cena will be ok... no shit. He's fucking Wolverine. They also tell us Cena is taking his open challenge to Smackdown. Seth Rollins comes out for his match with Kane. I'm going to go ahead and pretend I'm ten, and have no idea what Kane is going to do. If you do it too, you will probably enjoy this match more.

Kane comes down dressed in a suit, and everyone assumes that means he will lay down for Seth... because apparently they don't watch wrestling at all. The bell rings, and Kane takes off his jacket, tie and shirt. He acts conflicted, and eventually lays down. Seth covers him, but he kicks out. Holy crap! Kane's actually going to fight Rollins?!?! Who could have possibly seen that coming?!?! I am in complete and utter astonish- okay I can't do this. No one was fooled and the whole thing was a waste of time.WWE writing team, you're not fucking clever.

The New Stooges get in the ring and try to convince him to lay down, but he tosses them away. Seth yells at him, and gets the shit slapped out of him for his troubles.He signals for the choke slam and Seth begs him not to. Kane looks like he is going to relent, but choke slams Rollins. He goes to make the cut throat sign, but rethinks it. He lays down and drapes Seth over him for the pin. Interesting move. Not sure exactly what they were trying to do. Very confusing match. The crowd seems confused too. Seth comes to and smiles like he just won the title again. Hilarious stuff. I know I gush over him a lot, but Seth is a fucking star. Before commercial we get a shot of Damien Mizdow walking down the hallway, which gets a pop from the crowd.

Commercial note: Stanley Cup playoffs start on Wednesday. No joke here, just wanted to say Let's go Wild, and fuck the Blackhawks.

Back from break, and the Miz comes out to little reaction. Mizdow then comes down to a decent sized pop. Summer Rae comes down with him to get the full Marine 4 tie in... and I am just no realizing why it took them so long to pull the trigger on this feud... fuck you WWE... fuck you.

The match is way too short and ends when Mizdow wins with a roll up. I assume they'll have their blow off match at Extreme Rules. I would have no issue with this if so many of the matched tonight weren't so short. After the match we get a pre-tape from the Prime Time Players. In this one they mock Los Matadores. I'd call this racist, but it's less racist than Los Matadores actual gimmick, so I can't really complain. They even point out the serious lack of bull fighters from Puerto Rico. Excellent point guys. It's a halfway funny segment, and I'm a PTP mark.

Commercial note: Ok, apparently Mr. Robot is not a wrestler. It's USA's (probably horrible) new show... what a stupid campaign.

Back from break and Ryback! Hooray! Sarcasm is fun! He comes down to the ring for his match with Luke Harper. Ten bucks says this goes longer than most of the matches I actually wanted to see tonight. It's a stupid, boring slug fest with little psychology. It ends quickly, but not quickly enough, when Harper hits Ryback with the top of the announce table. Ambrose comes down after the match and attacks Harper. He beats him up a bit before Harper leaves through the crowd. How did they miss the ball on naming him Lee Harper? Not a lot of readers in the WWE creative team? I can't say I'm surprised.

We get a replay of Naomi's heel turn, and then a segment with Naomi backstage with Byron. She says she's disappointed with herself, but then starts laughing and calls Saxton an idiot. She says we didn't need a Diva's battle royal, because she already deserved a shot at the title. She's right honestly. I sympathize with her here. I can't blame her. She does a great job with this promo, and I am really excited to see what she does as a heel. Ziggler comes down and we get a commercial break.

Back from commercial and Ziggler chastises Kane, calling him a dumbass for laying down for Seth. Ziggler says he's issuing his own open challenge tonight, and cuts a better promo than I've seen form him since he became a face. Neville answers the challenge to a giant pop, because... do I even have to say it anymore?

The match is as fantastic as you expect it to be. They hit some really cool spots, and then give them time to breathe instead of moving right on to the next. At one point, in an amazing looking spot, Neville walks along the black barrier, and hits a 450 splash off the edge. The thing I really love about Neville is nothing he hits looks sloppy. His is always crisp and clean and in control. It's visually stunning to watch. The match ends when Ziggler hits the Zig Zag for the pin.

After the match, Sheamus comes out and kicks Neville in the face. He then slaps Ziggler around, and goes for the brogue kick, but Ziggler knocks him out of the ring and attacks. They have a great brawl that Sheamus ends with a brogue kick on the outside. He taunts on top of the announce table to end a great segment. We get a replay of Big Show attacking Roman Reigns earlier in the night. You know, maybe if the show weren't three hours, you wouldn't have to worry about your audience forgetting what happened half way through. Just a thought.

Commercial note: Coca-cola... we need to talk... we think you've been doing drugs.

Back from break, and it's time to find out what stipulations Randy Orton and Seth Rollins are putting on their Extreme Rules match. He sits in a recliner, and reminds us that he is the future of the WWE. He says what Kane did doesn't make him less of a man, because a real man knows when the team is more important. He then calls Randy out so he can tell him his stipulation in person.

They go back and forth a bit to fill out the show, and it's not bad promo work from either man. Seth is obviously the superior mic talent here though. Seth Rollins is the Prince Geoffrey of the WWE and it's amazing. Seth says his stip is that the RKO is banned at Extreme Rules... Seth, watch wrestling. He's just going to punt you in the fucking head. Orton prattles on a bit before saying that his stipulation is that the match is a cage match, so the Authority can't help him. Orton... watch wrestling. The authority is going to find a way to help him anyway. Seriously, am I the only one who actually watches wrestling?

Seth says that doesn't phase him. He says Orton without the RKO is just his first victim. Orton attacks, beating on all three men, and RKOing Joey Mercury. Seth uses that distraction to run away. We end on a shot of Seth yelling at Orton while Orton poses in the ring like a ballerina

So... did it suck? No, but a few really good segments had to save it. I was ready to put this one in the suck column before Namoi's promo, and the Ziggler/Neville match. Those two things really saved this one. The grouping of short matches, and sort of meandering, pointless storylines really hurt it, and the crowd noise showed that. I'm hoping the go home show for Extreme Rules is better than this.

MVP: Ziggler and Neville without question. They had an amazing match that got me, and the crowd back into an otherwise disappointing show.

Worst in show: The Kane storyline. This was stupid, uninteresting, and the crowd hated it. No one was fooled, and it felt like time filler.

That's all for me this week. I'm working on a number of things, and I'm honestly not sure what's coming out next, so just keep your eyes peeled. Remember, it's just a show. Try to enjoy it.

Did Raw Suck This Week? 4/6/2015

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the triumphant return of "Did Raw Suck This Week?" The last few weeks have been crazy. We had Wrestlemania 31, followed by one of the best episodes of Raw I have ever seen. Can we keep this pace up, or are we doomed to inevitable disappointment like the fragile snowflake that is life? Come with me on a journey, won't you? Where are we going, you may ask... a little place called Suplex City, bitch!

We open with the theme song, and it turns out Byron Saxton will be replacing Michael Cole... really guys? After his performance last week, I'd think you might be willing to take a SHOT at sending out Renee Young. No? Alright. I won't tell you how to do your jobs... but you really suck at your jobs. The announcers recap the DX/NWO/Sting/HHH clusterfuck from Wrestlemania, which was the absolute worst part of the entire PPV.

Live shot of Big Show standing next to his Andre Battle Royal trophy, after which we see Seth Rollins standing in the ring with the Authority, WWE title wrapped beautifully around his waist. The crowd really hates him. They keep interrupting him, trying to stop him from speaking, and he plays to it well. He tells us Trips and Stephanie are not here tonight, which instantly makes me optimistic about the show. He tries to tell the ungrateful fans how awesome Wrestlemania was, but they chant "You sold out" like metal stud laden teenagers at a Green Day concert.

Seth is fantastic here, and the crowd is absolutely hot. All Seth has to do is mention the Authority, and the crowd loses their minds. He runs down all the awesome stuff the Authority did, but comes up with nothing when he gets to Kane, which is hilarious. Big Show then starts talking, because why would WWE want me to enjoy the opening segment? Show slobbers all over Rollins, which sets the crowd off again. If we can replace 20 minute Triple H segments with 20 minute Seth Rollins segments, that would make me a very happy, wrestling obsessed manchild.

Orton comes out while Kane is talking, because he's rude as fuck. Orton and Rollins go back and forth, and it's only half bad... that's Orton's half. He challenges Seth to a WWE title match, but Corporate Kane says nuh-uh. He announces a triple threat, #1 contender's match tonight between Roman Reigns, Ryback, and Randy Orton. Seth doesn't seem happy with this announcement. Kane also says each competitor will compete in a second match tonight, and Orton's match is against the Big Red Middle Management Monster himself, and it's right now!

Maybe this is the rose colored glasses still being on from last week, but these two actually have a good match. I know I rip them both apart on a constant basis, but the match is fast paced, hard hitting, and I could tell both men were giving it their all. It makes me think the fan reaction last week threw them off and made them rethink their complacency. The match ends abruptly when Kane hits Orton with a chair. That doesn't stop the Big Corporate Burn Victim from throwing him in the ring and going for a chokeslam. Orton reverses and goes for an RKO, but Kane escapes and heads up the ramp.

The announce team is slightly less shitty this week. Thanks Byron. They run down what we're going to see tonight, before cutting to commercial. The first twenty minutes were really solid. Not mind blowing, so some people will likely be disappointed, but this is wrestling. You can't let your expectations get too high... you can't have expectations at all really. Just blank out your mind and be prepared to swallow what they hand you... it may not sound like it, but I swear I like wrestling.

We come back from break to a shot of the announce team letting us know AJ Lee has announced her retirement. I could make a joke here, but fuck it. She did some good work while she was here. I wish her nothing but the best... now call Charlotte up!

We get a segment with Kane yelling at Brad Maddox. He gets interrupted by Seth telling him that he's not doing his job, which is to protect Seth. Kane retorts that Seth wouldn't have gotten the money in the bank briefcase if it weren't for Kane. He suggests Rollins might be scared of Orton, and Seth denies it. Seth says he thinks Kane should step down, and Trips+Steph would agree. I love him playing the bratty kid of the Authority. Kane tells him Steph and Mr. Steph are gone, so he's running shit. Seth yells at Kane some more, so he tells Seth he's in a match next. Kane's goin' rogue!!!

Back to the announce team... just because I said they were slightly less shitty doesn't mean I wanted you to cut to them every three minutes. They talk about Brock getting suspended, before showing us a video package of exactly what they just talked about. We really could have been spared the announce team bloviating and just had them cut to the package. To the editing team's credit, the video package is as well done as any of their work, which I think is a vastly underrated part of WWE programming.

After all that we get Seth Rollins versus Adrian Neville. Interesting choice. Before the match, Seth takes the mic, and tells the crowd to give Neville a warm welcome. He then continues being awesome, cutting a promo trying to get Neville to leave, which works about as well as you think it would. These two have an incredibly entertaining match, as if there was any doubt. It's mostly Seth beating the crap out of Neville, but they make it look amazing, and Seth does a good job acting with his face. It ends when Seth curb stomps Neville and pins him clean. Interesting call, but they both looked good so well done. After the match, the New Stooges pick Neville up so Seth can stomp him again. Great way to get heat on Seth Rollins. The announcers remind us about the main event and John Cena's US title open challenge before cutting to commercial.

Commercial note: They made The Marine 4... This universe fucking blows. Burn it down and start over!

Back from break, and Super Pope Christ is on his way to the ring, US title in hand. He informs us that the city of Austin has declared today WWE day. He then shouts a tired catchphrase, before playing both sides of the crowd. He cuts another fucking super patriotic promo that doesn't land at all, even with this easy crowd. He finally gets around to talking about the open challenge, but just when it looks like we're going to get a match, Dr. Cena gives us more promo. Eventually he does shut up, and his open challenge is answered by ... (imagine a drumroll here)... Stardust!?!? I think I'm having an acid flashback... which is even weirder considering I've never done acid.

The match is decent, but it sort of feels like they're working against each other. It's not bad, the chemistry just seems a little off. Other than that the match is good, and just gets better as it goes. It's really cool to see Cena fighting guys we never thought he would. Having him do the US title open challenge gives him a whole roster full of fresh match ups, because he isn't committed to working solely with established main eventers. The match ends when Cena wins clean with the A.A. That's okay though. I knew it would happen, and it came after a fantastic match. We get another run down from the announce team, and a shot of the Bella Mannequins walking down a hallway before we go to commercial.

Back from break and we're getting the Bellas versus Paige and Naomi, also known as the talented Funkadactyl. The match is quite good. Paige has grown on me recently, and even the Bellas have improved quite a bit lately. It's a little slow, but in a way that actually aids the story of the match, so it's a nice change of pace from three minute divas matches where they have to jam a bunch of shit in. The match ends when Naomi pins Nikki Bella with a weird head scissors face slam.

Next we get a promo from the Primetime Players, which is fantastic. They make fun of the Ascension and New Day and some people might think it's stupid, but I'm a PTP mark, so it makes me laugh. We then get the news that we're getting Miz v. Mizdow tonight... instead of on a fucking pay per view for some reason!

Back from break and we get Luke Harper versus Ryback... because the night was going too well and WWE needed to squash that shit. The match is slow and sloppy, but they keep it short. Ryback wins with the shell shock, as if you cared. We then cut backstage to Renee Young interviewing the New Day, and she addresses the audience chanting that they suck. They say it hurts, and it's disappointing, but they're going to stay annoyingly upbeat. It looks like they're going to turn this into a heel gimmick by doubling down on the cheese. Brilliant move if that's the case.

Back from break and we get New Day versus the Lucha Dragons. The match is decent, and makes it clear that New Day are heels now, which they're much better at being. Kalisto's offense is astounding to watch. The match is far too short, and ends when Sin Cara hits the swanton bomb for the pin. Of course they tell us we're getting Roman Reigns v. Big Show, which will probably get about twice the time while being nowhere near as good.

Back from break, and Roman is coming down through the crowd, which given how a lot of fans feel about him, may not be the smartest move. It's ok though. The Austin crowd is easily pleased, because Texas. Before the match, Big Show poses by the trophy again, which I already hate. It does nothing for him, other than serve to remind us that WCW based his character entirely on Andre's legacy. The match is incredibly slow, and Roman Reigns' strategy seems to be keep punching Big Show, and then punch him some more. Roman desperately needs a third move. When Cena has more than you, you're doing it wrong.

After the break, Roman changes it up by kicking Big Show, but even THAT doesn't work! Big Show basically just tosses Reigns around a bunch. It's more interesting to watch than I expected their match to be, but it's still really slow and plodding. Roman wins when he decides that instead of punching Big Show, he'll punch Big Show three times really hard, and then spear him. We cut to Kane backstage on his phone trying to get a hole of the McMahon-Helmsley's. Suddenly a bunch of divas come in for and compliment him before asking for a diva's battle royal for the #1 contendership. Kane says ok, probably just to get them the hell away from him. We get a shot of Sheamus walking down the hall before commercial.

Back from break, and now Roman Reigns is walking down the hallway. This hallway is getting a lot of screen time this week. Maybe it's getting more over than I thought. Roman delivers what is barely a two line promo before rudely walking away from Renee Young. Back to the ring and Sheamus is on his way down the ramp looking like an awesome, bad ass barbarian. He grabs a mic and... doesn't cut a stupid promo where he tells a story about a family member! It's a miracle! He talks himself up while mocking Dolph Ziggler, calling him an insect that needs to be weeded out.

Sheamus does a good job in this promo, but is interrupted by Mark Henry, getting a decent pop from the fans. I know he's been gone for a while, and they're in his home state, but I have no idea why the fans are happy about this,. We saw these guys feud way too many times before, and it was rarely good. The match is a hundred times better than Show v. Reigns. These two know how to work a match with two big men. It's not amazing or anything, but it's solid and tells a good story. Sheamus wins with the brogue kick. After the match, we get a shot of the announce table, and they recap the Rock/Stephanie/Ronda Rousey segment from Wrestlemania... I have no idea why.

Back from break and we get a creepy Bray Wyatt promo. Do I even have to say it's amazing anymore, or can we all just assume I get a wrestling boner every time Bray Wyatt is on the screen? We get Renee Young backstage with Ryback, who cuts a typical, stupid Ryback promo that isn't short enough for my tastes. After this we get Miz versus Mizdow.

Commercial note: I'm still having trouble getting over this whole "Marine 4" thing. This kind of shit is why I'm an atheist.

The match is really good, and surprisingly aggressive. It does a great job of getting Mizdow over, and making me think they might be able to extend his push past this particular feud. The problem with this match is that no matter how good it is, it should have happened at Wrestlemania. It's too short, and Miz wins with a roll up and a hand full of tights. I have a feeling this isn't their last match. We go backstage to Renee Young interviewing Randy Orton. Orton cuts a decent promo. Maybe it's my fault. I can't help but see him as generic and boring.

Back from break and we have our #1 contender triple threat. The match is clunky, overbooked and weird. The crowd isn't very into it. Of course they aren't being douchey self marks and starting a wave. Go Austin. Randy Orton wins with the RKO on Ryback. After the match, Seth curb stomps him and stands over him with the title.

So... did it suck? Not at all. People will complain because it wasn't as good as last week, but it was never going to be. What they gave us this week was a solid Raw with good storytelling and a LOT of wrestling. They even gave Divas a chance. I was entertained and I think this Raw was perfectly fine.

MVP: This goes to Rollins and Neville. Best match on a very good card.

Worst in show: Big Show... why hasn't he retired yet?

Thank you for joining me for another week! Keep an eye out for the first episode of "Displeased Wrestling Geek" and another Bible review. As always, remember, it's just a show. Watch it and have fun.

WWE Wrestlemania Preview Podcast

Three of the writers for Sophisticating Sandwiches have gotten together to record a Wrestlemania preview podcast. Enjoy!

Wrestlemania 31: The Underwhelmening

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's that time of year again! Time to hang the Lucha Libre masks by the fire, leave out a protein shake and some HGH, and wait for jolly old Saint Vince to bestow upon us the yearly gift that is Wrestlemania. Last year we saw the end of the streak, the birth of the mega star that is Ellis Mbeh, and Daniel Bryan's rise to the top. This year Bray Wyatt tries to make the Undertaker 21-2, Daniel Bryan could win the Intercontinental title, Brock Lesnar could get mad and walk out before the main event, and I'm not even sure Ellis Mbeh is going to be there!

I never get tired of seeing this picture. Sorry Ellis. You know I love you.

Pre-show match: Kidd/Cesaro V. The Usos V. The New Day V. Los Matadores for the tag team titles

Let's get this train rolling right along and start with the tag team title match... which has been bumped to the pre-show. Already not a good start. The tag team titles have slowly been so devalued over the last couple years that it's embarrassing. I know they want to make the Andre the Giant Memorial battle royal a tradition, but battle royals suck. That easily could have been bumped to the pre-show for the sake of the tag titles. I'm really tired of seeing two whole divisions (Tag and Divas divisions) treated like a side note or a joke on a constant basis. It just doesn't make sense when your claim is that the fans are tuning in to see the WWE product rather than one or two wrestlers. That being said I expect this to be a good four way match, and at least everyone involved deserves a spot. All of these wrestlers know how to work a faster style, so they should be able to put in enough interesting spots that people won't be disappointed. I predict that Kidd and Cesaro will still be tag champions at the end of the night. 

 I also predict we will see a whole lot more of this guy than anyone wants

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

I'm not going to list every competitor in this match, because let's be honest, I would just end up copying and pasting the list from another site, and you don't really care anyway. The bottom line is that it's a battle royal where everyone starts in the ring, so the first 3/4ths of it will inevitably be boring as shit. It'll probably get interesting once we're down to the final four, but other than that I hope they at least have the decency to put it in the middle of the card so we can have a decent bathroom break. If they are smart, either the NXT participant or Damien Mizdow will win... but they're not smart so... I don't know, Ryback?

Cena V. Rusev for the United States title

I am actually looking forward to this match. I know, hang me from the smart mark gallows, but hear me out first. Rusev so far has been judged by most fans based on the shitty booking around him and the fact that he's a "big guy" so he never got a fair shake in the first place. Rusev is more talented than any man his size I have ever seen, and while it's hip to hate Cena and I do it a fair amount, he is a talented worker, and with a decent big man across from him I have a feeling he can deliver a fantastic match full of emotion. Don't pay attention to the fancy moves or highspots. In this match you need to pay attention to the emotion and story telling. That's what will put this one over the top... it could also be a giant, slow ass stink bomb of a match, so don't quote me on any of this. This is another instance where, if they're smart Rusev will win, but they're not smart so I see Cena walking out as your new US champion.

 Yes yes, blah blah blah, USA is the best. CUT TO LANA GOD DAMN YOU!

Randy Orton V. Seth Rollins

This might well be the match I am least looking forward to. Not that I don't think it'll be a good match, it very much will. My problem is that I have a feeling Seth is about to start his punishment that he absolutely doesn't deserve. Funny how the victim of revenge porn is the one being punished for it, but I digress. This should be a fantastic match, but Orton winning is going to ruin it for me. If Seth wins, might very well be my favorite match of the night, even despite my boiling hate for Randy Orton. My prediction: Seth loses and no one cares because revenge porn is somehow justified when it happens to a man.  Sorry, I feel like I kind of hung on that point, but it's been bothering me for a month now. Seth should continue his trajectory to the top. That's all there is to it.

The Bella Mannequins V Paige and AJ

This match has great potential. That might be all it ends up having though.  Let's start with the positives.

 Not what I meant! Though that part doesn't hurt.

 I am unbelievably glad they didn't try to jam the entire Divas division into one match like they usually do. The Bellas have been steadily improving, AJ is incredibly talented, and Paige is good enough that this COULD be a fantastic match. Now the possible negatives. The Divas matches rarely get enough time to be good. Divas tag matches often fall flat to me because I feel like they don't get trained well enough in how to work a good tag match. Aside from all of that though, these are four Divas that I have noticed occasionally have nights where they just don't show up and their matches are garbage. I very much doubt we'll see that happen here, but it is a possibility to watch out for. I predict another win for the Bellas, because WWE knows who's making them their money.

Intercontinental title ladder match: Daniel Bryan, Bad News Barrett, Dean Ambrose, R-Truth, Stardust, Luke Harper, and Dolph Ziggler participating.

This is your replacement for the Money in the Bank ladder match, and it will probably live up to it. These are seven guys who can really put together a good match, and come up with some innovative spots. Why do I feel like Kofi would much rather be in this match than the pre-show tag match? Anyway, I'm excited for this one, and not because I want to see a serious injury like you sick bastards! The only issue I have is that I feel like Dean Ambrose, Daniel Bryan, Bad News Barrett and Dolph Ziggler have all done enough to earn a more singular, spotlighted match at Wrestlemania, but I'm honestly just going to be thankful they found spots for them at all. The build to it was stupid. The belt stealing gimmick made it seem like an episode of Looney Tunes, and it would have been fine for any other pay per view, but this is Wrestle-fucking-Mania. Have some respect and gravitas for fuck sake! My prediction:  I expect to see some really crazy, show stealing stuff from this match, that everyone forgets about by the time Sting's music plays. Also Daniel Bryan wins.

Bray Wyatt V. The Undertaker

This match... this match... oh lordy this match. The problem with this match is that I haven't the faintest fucking clue how it will go. It could be fantastic, it could be horrible. Bray could win, Taker could win, they could do a schmozz ending, Taker could die in the ring, who the fuck knows? There are even speculations (though they're likely completely unfounded) that Undertaker isn't even going to show up. This is the wildcard for me. I will make one prediction though. Undertaker's entrance will take at least four minutes. I think that's a pretty safe bet.

I know, I know. Just have some patience. He's almost half way done.

Triple H V. Sting

Ah yes. The match being fought because of a company that's been dead for almost fifteen years. There are some people who are really excited about this match, and I will admit, I loved Sting in WCW. I'm just not one to get excited for nostalgia sake. If the match is good, I will praise it thusly, but I have hated the build up so far, and Sting should have never said a word.  If this match is good, it is good based solely on the match, because nothing surrounding the match has excited me in the slightest. I just think they're both too old to really make it great. I could be wrong, I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think I'm wrong.

 This is the match I wanted to see. Of course we can't now, because time travel is impossible... stupid laws of physics!

WWE Title match: Brock Lesnar V. Roman Reigns

This might be the match I expect the most out of. I have enjoyed Brock Lesnar every single time they've trotted him out this year, and I don't think this will be any different. Roman Reigns may be a little green, but I don't think it's bad enough that it will throw Lesnar off. I see them having a great, fast paced, hard hitting, monster versus monster style match. I have a feeling that they're going to beat the absolute hell out of each other, and Lesnar is going to win. Then Seth Rollins is going to come down, cash in his MITB, win and spend the next however long feuding with Lesnar. That's how I would do it, but I'm just some douchebag typing angry thoughts from behind a computer.

Fuck you Disco Inferno! Don't look at me like that with your judgey eyes! Your gorgeous, judgey eyes...

Not going to lie, I really just wanted to work in a picture of Disco Inferno. So I did. Now we have to ask the big question. What does this Wrestlemania mean for the future of the business? I think first and foremost we will see a harbinger of whether or not really understand what we mean when we say give Divas a chance. We will also see if Vince thinks having the belt on a part time wrestler is working or not. If the title is changing hands soon, I have a feeling it's happening here. The thing I'm most looking forward to seeing is how long they let the NXT wrestler stay in the battle royal. That might not tell us anything, but it might tell us a whole lot more than you think. Those are my thoughts for Wrestlemania this year. Everyone enjoy the show and remember to party responsibly... Or whatever. I'm not your mom.

 

 

Send the Girls Out!: What #GiveDivasAChance Means for Wrestling.

September 18, 1956. The smoke filled arena bustles in the middle of Baltimore Maryland. The fans shift in their seats as they watch the Fabulous Moolah and Judy Grable walk to the ring. These two women have fought tooth and nail to survive through a tournament to crown the NWA's first ever women's champion. The air is thick tonight. The crowd knows they're seeing history in the making. The sound of the bell echoes through the arena, and when it rings again, future Hall of Famer The Fabulous Moolah is standing tall with the Women's title in her hands.

For a long time (and often times still today) in the United States women's wrestling was treated like a side show act. They would be brought out infrequently, much like midget wrestlers, to give the crowd something different to watch for a bit. Of course it has evolved over the years. It has been a side show, ignored, used for the purposes of sexual titillation, and treated as a serious sport. You can see it switch between these representations, often depending on how many women are watching the product at any given time. Why does this matter? Well we need to know about the history of women's wrestling if we're going to talk about the future.

If you have been a wrestling fan for any length of time, you know we're just coming out of an era where female wrestlers were treated like sex objects and little more. That ended rather abruptly, and I honestly don't think it's something you'll ever see return, thanks in part to internet porn. I know that sounds crazy, but when you can see virtually anyone you want naked by clicking a link, the fanbase tends to demand less sexualization from other forms of media. The biggest problem with this is that they went from being sex objects, to being largely ignored. Often getting very little time, and being given scripts that seem to have been written for a terrible high school melodrama.

Many of these same problems still plague the women's division, but with the advent of Total Divas, WWE has realized that the Divas can make them plenty of money without putting out swimsuit calendars or competing in bra and panties matches. Thanks to the popularity of Total Divas, we are also seeing the return of something we once thought long lost, the female wrestling fan. There are more women watching professional wrestling now than ever before, and they, along with a good number of male fans, have been crying out for the company to give the Divas a chance to truly entertain us.

While this outcry has been helped by Total Divas, the true catalyst has been the audience watching NXT, and getting to see their women's division treated like a legitimate competition, and often having matches that outshine the men. The fans have gotten a taste, and now we want this same respect and attention given to the Divas on the main show. We want to see them treated like athletes competing for a title, rather than school girls having pathetic, petty feuds where they call each other ugly and steal each other's ring gear.

Now, will professional wrestling always be a male dominated form of entertainment? Probably. Nowhere near as many women aspire to be involved with it. That doesn't mean the women's division should be treated like a joke. Ronda Rousey has proven that women can be marketable commodities in combat sports, and there is no reason professional wrestling can't make the change. It does you no good to have an entire division viewed as a pointless bathroom break filler. It insults the female fans, as well as the intelligence of the male fans who know that women can fight.

How does WWE change the perception of the female performers in their company? It's going to take a lot, but not as much as you might think. It really comes down to one thing, treat them like athletes. They're not girls. They're female competitors fighting for a prize, just like the men. Write for them with that in mind. Promote the talented wrestlers over the pretty faces, and give them enough time to have a decent match. I can think of very few wrestlers, male or female, who could get over with three minutes a week.

We're not asking for much. We're not asking for four Divas matches on every card. We just want one or two really good ones. I honestly thought this whole thing was done. When I watched Lita and Trish Stratus tear down the house in the main event of Raw, I really thought that that was the signal that we were going to see the women's division treated with respect. I thought we would see women in the main event more often going forward. It hasn't happened since, and that was almost a decade ago.

They have the talent. Charlotte Flair, Natalya, Bayley, Sasha Banks, AJ Lee, Naomi, all incredibly talented wrestlers and overall performers. You just have to give them decent writing, and the time to have a good match. WWE has said they heard our pleas to give the Divas a chance, but they seem to think that means we want two 3 minute Divas matches per show instead of one. What we want is to see a women's division we can enjoy watching, and not feel embarrassed to have our friends see when they finally give wrestling a shot.

We can speculate all day on why women have had such trouble wrestling in the United States. Is it misogyny within the business? Is it that they're often not trained as well, or paid as much attention to? Is it because certain fans just don't buy women as wrestlers? It's probably a little of all those things. The one thing I do know is that the time has come for it to end. We as fans now often find ourselves watching NXT just as much for the women as we do the men, and there's no reason the main shows can't be the same way.

I'm not going to pretend I have all the answers, but I do know WWE is taking the wrong approach, and they need to catch up with the times, or they'll be left behind and look like dinosaurs. This is something wrestling fans are all too used to seeing, and we're tired of it. So please, WWE, from me, and every wrestling fan I know, we're begging you to give the Divas a chance.

Dale's Bible Review! Genesis 1:1-4:26: The Opening Gambit

Welcome to a brand new series here on Sophisticating Sandwiches. For however long it takes, I will be taking a piece by piece, critical review of the Bible. Yes, I am aware this is probably going to upset people. God I hope so anyway. A negative article about us would really help page views. Anyway, let's do this! Let's review a book I've been avoiding since I was nineteen! We start with the first story, the granddaddy of them all! Creation.

So we start with a rather ham handed introduction to the man I assume our protagonist, God. Do we start with any sort of character establishment? No. First thing we get is this God guy creating pretty much everything. Kind of a mary-sue move if you ask me. You don't need your main character to create all of existence for us to like him. A little character development would be just fine. Instead we get a long winded, description free account of this guy creating everything.

We're already starting out with one big problem. You're creating the entire fucking universe! Describe it to me a little! Show me some mountains rising from a bubbling sea under and orange tinted sky. Show me animals frolicking through the first forests, seeing everything for the first time. Do we get any of that? No. It read more like a text book. First he did this, then he did that, then he did a third thing. The author doesn't seem interested in getting me invested in his story in the slightest.

After being told, at length, about all the amazing things God did, he finally does something interesting and creates people. According to the book he made them in his own image, which is the first piece of character development we get from God... he's a narcissist... what a wonderful protagonist we have. Here's a tip, if you're trying to make a character likeable, maybe making him so obsessed with his own face that he has to make a second sentient being that looks just like him isn't the best way to go. Of course, after doing all this he gives these humans domain over the Earth and takes a nap. How am I supposed to root for this guy?

Once God goes down for his nap, we get a flashback, giving us more detail about what happened when he created humans to apparently be his own personal gardeners. Again, not a good sign for the character we're supposed to like. He creates a man named Adam, and puts him in what's referred to as the Garden of Eden. He tells him basically everything there is his, but he can't eat from this one tree, which seems to me like an incredibly clumsy plot device. No shit he's gonna eat from it. If he wasn't, you wouldn't have said anything.

Anyway, God sees that Adam is lonely, and decides he needs a partner. He shows Adam all the animals, but Adams not interested in any of them, presumably because he's not from Alabama. God then takes one of Adam ribs and creates a woman who they name Eve. After this scene, with again very little description, we're introduced to what I guess is supposed to be our main villain for this particular story. They don't even give him a name, they just call him the serpent, and he is given no motivation. We get no back story, nothing, we just dive right into him convincing Eve to eat from the tree they're not supposed to. It doesn't take long by the way. This character of Eve has no resolve whatsoever apparently. She then convinces Adam to do the same, which is just as easy. Of course God finds out, and punishes them both in what I would consider an unjust manner.

Here we get my real problem with this first story. What little bits of character development God has make him look like an angry, vengeful parent who lays down arbitrary rules just so the humans will break them and he can punish them unfairly. Also, the author refers to the tree as the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If they didn't have this knowledge before, how could they know disobeying this God guy was evil? So far I've been introduced to four characters. Only one of them has had any development, and it's made him look like a horrible person.

After the whole serpent fiasco, we jump forward several years to Adam and Eve's children, Cain and Abel. We don't get to know much about Cain, and we get nothing about Abel. All we're told is that Abel offers up animal meat and God likes that, whereas Cain offers up crops from his fields, and God isn't so into it. Seems kind of picky, but that's not even close to the biggest problem here. We go straight from God accepting Abel's offering, to Cain getting pissed and killing Abel. God sees this right away, because giant mary-sue, and punishes Cain with a curse that he will no longer be able to farm. Then we're told Cain went east with his wife, who just magically appeared out of nowhere, and had some kids. Before the end of the story we're told that Adam and Eve had another child, and Eve rejoiced because this one replaces Abel. That's awful and not how children work.

My impressions of this opening set of stories is not a good one. The writing is stilted and unimaginative, and the characters have nothing to them whatsoever. They're just cardboard stand ins for stuff to happen to. The main character, God, is nothing but an irrational, lazy control freak. I hope it gets better as we go, because this first section is not promising in the slightest. I give Genesis 1:1-4:26 a score of 3/10. It needs to improve greatly if I'm going to enjoy any of this.

Thank you for reading. Make sure to join me next week as I review the story of Noah.

Did Raw Suck This Week? 3/9/15

Welcome to another edition of did Raw Suck This Week? I, as always, am your host, Dale Curtis, and we are three weeks away from Wrestlemania! What does this mean for the landscape of the WWE? Fuck if we know! Vince Russo booked the whole show five minutes ago on a napkin! Good luck, fuckers!

We open Raw with Randy Orton, and I'm already bored to shit. Good luck getting through this opening segment without me falling asleep. The rest of the Authority is in the ring applauding him as he walks down to the ring. Kane says they wanted to praise Orton in public to show everyone that he really is part of the Authority. Big Show then takes the mic, and gets no respect from the fans. Rather this segment gets no love, because it's fucking boring. All I can think about is whether or not Big Show stole my beard dye.

Jamie Noble gets to talk next! He starts to say nice things, but then yells that Orton is a no good snake who can't be trusted. Rollins is then a dick while assuring Orton that Jamie is happy to have him back. Joey Mercury doesn't seem so thrilled. Neither am I, but no one gives a shit about that, do they? Seth talks some more, trying to save the segment. It doesn't work. Not for lack of trying. Seth is great, but this segment is stupid and pointless. Is boring heat a thing they're TRYING to get now? Seth makes me laugh when he insults the Big Show. I think Seth is one of the biggest future stars on the roster.

Seth and Orton shake hands before Seth demands that the crowd stand and pay respect to Orton. They do, because the Authority are the only people who haven't realized that Randy Orton is a face now. Orton thanks them for the kind words, before asking what happened to the Authority. They've become a bunch of ass kissers. He goes down the line reprimanding each one for going soft, skipping Joey Mercury, which gets a genuine laugh. Orton is actually really good here. I dare say he's the best part of the segment. My main criticism of Orton was that he got lazy, but he seems to be really trying here. He tears into Seth Rollins, threatening to rip him apart. He then insists he's just screwing around, which is stupid. Seth takes the mic again for a bit, hyping up the main event before bringing the Authority in for a group hug/in unison catchphrase moment. I reiterate... stupid.

The announcers let us know Wiz Khalifa will be the special guest star for tonight. I'd say something sarcastic right now, but Wiz Khalifa doesn't even deserve my sarcasm. Daniel Bryan comes down to the ring sporting a ponytail, which actually looks good on him. They tell us he'll be facing Bad News Barrett before sending us to commercial.

Back from break, and Wade Barrett has a fucking twelve pack. Redonkulus. R-Truth is on commentary for the match, but it's crazy R-Truth, so I totally approve. The match is awesome, as you would expect from Daniel Bryan and Wade Barrett. They have a real interesting chemistry. The match is slower paced, but they use that to its benefit, telling a slower paced story and really drawing the fans in. It would have had much more impact if we didn't keep cutting away to R-Truth, and if we didn't have a commercial in the middle of the match.

The match ends quickly after the commercial when Daniel Bryan hits the flying knee. I wish they had given them more time. I could watch these two go for months. Daniel celebrates in the ring, but gets hit with a surprise bullhammer. Barrett then yells at Truth before making his way to the back. Before he can get up the ramp, Dean Ambrose comes down and lays him out with a clothesline, sending us to commercial.

Back from break and we're getting Ambrose versus Stardust, who is currently in possession of Wade Barrett's Intercontinental title. It's worth noting that R-Truth is still on commentary. It's also worth noting that he's wearing out his welcome. The match itself is fast paced and innovative, but it also has a commercial break. This is something that's starting to bug me. You wouldn't see UFC do that. Why does WWE want to send the message that the matches aren't important enough to air? The match ends when Ambrose hits Dirty Deeds for the pin.

After the match Dean takes the belt, but Barrett attacks him. Bryan comes out to attack Barrett, and Luke Harper follows close behind. Dolph is out next, and it is officially a clusterfuck. During the fracas, R-Truth sneaks in and grabs the IC title, putting it in a potato sack before going back to the announce table. Wade Barrett ends up on top of the in ring confrontation, and gets mad when he can't find the title. He goes after Truth, who gives him a potato sack, but it doesn't have the belt in it. Instead it has a toy replica. So we're supposed to believe Wade Barrett has no idea how much the belt weighs?

To the announce table, and they're unbearable for a few minutes before announcing the next hall of fame inductee, and first recipient of the newly minted Warrior award for inspirational people, Connor the Crusher. Great, I'm going to cry now. Awesome. Thanks WWE. I'm not supposed to cry while watching wrestling! In all seriousness, this is really awesome. Connor has become somewhat of a mascot for the WWE's make a wish efforts. It's really a beautiful story, and I love that he will be forever immortalized in the hall of fame. So cool. By the way, I was right, I cried like a baby. Fuck you WWE. Fuck you.

Back from break, and Paul Heyman is here to ruin any good feelings you had left over from the Connor the Crusher segment. Heyman doesn't say much at first, he just kicks us to a video. It's a tribute package to Roman Reigns. It's very well done, as we've come to expect from the WWE editing team. Once the video is done, Heyman introduces Brock Lesnar in the way only he can. Goosebumps.

The green onion alien walks down to the ring, and Heyman calls the Roman Reigns video propaganda. He mocks the video, and Roman Reigns' rise to the top. He says the truth is that Roman's father used to make him fight football players, and his uncle made him fight muscle heads. It's a weird promo, but Heyman is always great, and this is no exception. He says Brock will kill anyone who tries to screw him. Seems a little extreme... also illegal. He promises an epic ass kicking, before his mic malfunctions again. Heyman plays it off like someone in the back is cutting him off, and challenges anyone to take a shot at Brock Lesnar, even saying if Brock wins he might unify the WWE and UFC titles. Doubtful. Maybe even go beat the crap out of Floyd Mayweather. I told you it was weird. He says the title no longer belongs to WWE. It belongs to Brock Lesnar.

Heyman is his typical awesome manic self, selling both Brock and Roman Reigns very well. Every time he's in the ring I get worried he's going to burst a vein in his head. His intensity is better than most wrestlers. They stare at the Wrestlemania sign for a little bit as the announcers talk over everything and ruin it. We cut to a Bray Wyatt promo where he's staring at the urn, angry that Taker hasn't shown up yet.  It's short and sends us to a commercial.

Back from break and we get a replay of Kane and Ryback butting heads on Smackdown. After which we see Big Show and Kane waiting in the ring. Rowan and Ryback come out to face them. This should be... unnecessary... and bad. Ok, so it's not as bad as I expect. It's not good, but it's not bad either. The pace is fast enough with the tag format that it doesn't get too boring. It's just formulaic, not needed, and the crowd is dead. Luckily it's short, and ends when Big Show accidentally punches Kane... again. Are we really doing this storyline? The writing staff is barely trying at this point. After the match Kane yells at Big Show, who seems less than remorseful. This brings out Stephanie McMahon, because god forbid she skip an episode.

She makes Kane and Big Show seem small as she yells at them, which is SO counter productive, but I've spent enough time ranting about Stephanie McMahon's awfulness. She sends them both packing so they can think about what they've done. If someone doesn't stab Stephanie at the end of all this, it won't be a big enough pay off. The announcers show us Miz's erectile dysfunction bit again, which wasn't funny last week, and surprise surprise, isn't funny now.  I said it before and I'll say it again, they waited too long to pull the trigger on the Miz/Sandow feud. We get a segment backstage with Miz trying to convince Wiz Khalifa to do an album with him. Wiz says no, because he already signed Wizdow. Sandow is dressed as Wiz, which I'm pretty sure is blackface even without the paint. He raps... I think. It's not good, but it's funny. Miz walks off mad, and Wiz can't even make eye contact with the camera man after that.

Back from break and Lilian Garcia brings out Wiz Khalifa. The reaction is as mild as it always is for guest musical stars. Wiz "raps" if you can call it that. I am a huge fan of rap. This is atrocious. Seriously, this is horrible, the crowd hates it, I hate it, pretty sure even Wiz hates it. Of course there's no way of knowing. He's an idiot. This segment goes on way the hell too long. I can't describe to you how much I am fucking hating this segment. They can't even cut to a shot of the crowd where anyone is paying attention. I can't believe I am saying this, but I wish they would have just made the Kane/Big Show tag match ten minutes longer. It would be less painful. Sandow comes out at the end, which is the only thing that saves him.

The announce team shows us a replay of last week when Brie interfered in Paige and Nikki's match. Then AJ returned, and most of the WWE Universe came simultaneously. It happens from time to time. Nothing to be alarmed about. We then get a shot of AJ and Paige walking down the hall as we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, and the Bella Mannequins are watching their bit from the Flintstones movie before being interviewed about it... for some reason. They make fun of Paige and AJ, using Flintstones references the whole time. It made me wish Wiz Khalifa was still rapping. Ok that's an exaggeration, but not much of one.

Next is a match between Summer Rae and AJ. It's ok, but it's basically AJ wrestling a broom. I take that back. A broom would probably be less problematic and annoying. This would really be much better if it were anyone but Summer in there with her. I can not emphasize enough how much Summer needs to not be a "wrestler" anymore. The match is mercifully short, and ends when Summer taps to the black widow submission. Someone has a "Free Super Dave" sign. I don't know what that means, but I am all for it.

Back from commercial and we get a video from Sting, which is well produced. The voice talking over it is clearly not Sting though. You guys really couldn't get Sting in to do the voice over? Other than that it's a well done video for a match I have no interest in. This is actually the first segment they've had for this feud that has even given me the slightest bit of enjoyment, so kudos for that.

After the video, the announcers talk about it. You'd think they would learn to stop letting them do that. We get a shot of Rusev walking down the hall, but he runs into John Cena. Cena cuts a stupid, sappy U.S.A. promo. It is horrible. It sounds like a fucking Fox news promo. Cena says if Rusev says anything about the country he happened to be born in, he'll commit unsanctioned assault. Way to be a star Cena.

Back from break and Rusev comes down to the ring. I wonder if he'll say something about America. Just kidding, I don't wonder that at all. Turns out Rusev is getting a match against Curtis Axel, because something happened on Smackdown. Jesus, it's like they want us to watch Smackdown or something. Rusev attacks him before the bell rings, and the match is barely worth talking about. Another squash, Axel taps to the Accolade, and Axelmania is running wild. After the match Rusev tells Lana to get a mic, but she protests, so he gets it himself. He talks some shit about America, and Dr. Johnny McThugpants comes out looking none too happy. RoboCena attacks, and locks him in the STF. He refuses to let go until Rusev passes out. The easily pleased crowd pops for this.

Cena grabs a bottle of water and pours it on Rusev, reviving him just so he can lock it on again. Rusev taps this time, which is absolutely ridiculous. Lana begs Cena to let him go before giving him the title match at Mania. Cena lets go when the magic words are said, and smiles his creepy, Terminator smile. Did anyone doubt for a second there would be a rematch? I'd like to think wrestling fans are smarter than that, but a lot of us aren't. We get another short Bray Wyatt promo where he stares at the urn before commercial.

Back from break and the doctors are checking out Rusev, who is ranting in Russian. Out to the ring where a New Day is dancing and clapping. That's their character, I don't know what you're expecting. We get a small in the box promo where they talk like stereotypical black guys. Out next are Cesaro, Tyson Kidd and Natalya. I love the three of these people together. It's a weird perfect trifecta.

The match is fairly standard, but Cesaro and Kidd really shine. They make a great cheating tag team. Woods and Big E hold their own, but I couldn't possibly care less about them. They have no character and aren't connecting with anyone. The match ends when Kidd almost runs into Natalya, and gets distracted long enough for Woods to get the roll up. Before much celebrating can be done, the Flying Uso twins bring Naomi down to the ring for her one on one match with Natalya.

Back from commercial, and the match is already underway. This match is far better and more interesting than the earlier Divas match. I love both these women. It's too short, and ends when Naomi hits the rearview. Afterward Tyson and Natalya argue. Los Matadores come down as Natalya is walking back. Were they running short and needed to jam three matches in quick? They're down to have a match with the Usos.

The match is fast paced and entertaining, but once again we get a mid match commercial. Something must have run long *cough*WizKhalifa*cough* because the pacing for this last hour of Raw has been ridiculously quick. They're not giving me time to enjoy or digest anything. I enjoy the tag match very much though. They hit some interesting spots, the pacing is nice. The only problem is the crowd doesn't care about Los Matadores. It's also hard for the crowd to get into a face v face match. It ends when Matador #1 shoves Uso #2 into El Torito and gets the roll up off the rebound.

Next we get a recap of the opening segment, because three hours is a stupid amount of time. Take it back to two, and maybe you won't have to spend an hour recapping things. We then get a segment with Seth Rollins telling the New Stooges they need to trust him, and they need to trust Randy Orton. They have a bad feeling about it, but Seth is confident.

Back from break and we get an in ring Bray Wyatt promo, which is always better than the pretapes. This one is no exception. It is once again almost nonsensical, but that's fantastic. Bray Wyatt is great in his character. He hurls several threats at Taker, and I'm realizing what a shame it is that Brock beat Taker last year and not Bray Wyatt. The urn sits in the middle of the ring during the promo, on a strange purple platform. Bray stops talking and opens the Urn, looking inside. He says it's empty, but it suddenly starts smoking. The lights flash, and Brays gets as excited as the crowd does. Lightning graphics flash, and then the gong sounds, causing the crowd to lose their shit. The lights go out. A spot light come son, and Bray's rocking chair is sitting in the middle of the ring. Bray sells it like a champ. It ends with a rest in Piece soundbite playing over the PA system, and Bray's chair randomly getting struck by lightning and starting on fire as Wyatt laughs in the background. Strong visuals and a compelling segment. Very different from what we're used to.

Another break and we get two recaps in a row. One of the segment we just watched, and another of the Cena/Rusev segment. Seriously guys... two hours. Roman Reigns heads down to the ring next for his handicap match with Orton and Rollins. It's good for a handicap match, but it's clearly set up less to be a match, and more for the shenanigans between Orton and the rest of the Authority. One thing I do notice is Roman Reigs getting very little reaction. This is not a good sign. Back to the match, and surprise surprise, Orton turns on Seth, refusing to tag him, before flipping the double bird. Reigns spears Rollins for the pin.

After the match Orton gets into the ring and yell sat Seth for not thinking he could do something like that. Orton beats the crap out of him outside the ring. Both men do a really good job of selling the whole thing. I'm quite impressed. The beat down is vicious, but a little slow, and I don't buy that it takes anyone this long to help. I know he sent the Stooges away, and Kane and Big Show are gone, but at least get some refs out there to pretend to try to stop it. That's my only real complaint. otherwise it's a solid segment that's actually got me interested in a Randy Orton match. Crazy. I lied, I do have one other complaint. Seth Rollins has been made to look incredibly weak since Orton came back, and this is no exception. It would have been much smarter if it turns out Stephanie throwing Show and Kane out was fake, and they came out to destroy Orton. That's me playing fantasy booker now though. It ends with an RKO on the announce table.

So... did it suck? No. It came close though. There were some really awful segments, but they were saved by a few really great segments. The beat down at the end went too long and the opening segment was terrible. I might rank this one higher if those things weren't the case, but they are. This show gets the mediocre stamp.

MVP: Bray Wyatt by a mile. That segment was brilliant, and only he could have sold it so well.

Worst in show: Wiz Khalifa Wiz Khalifa and more Wiz Khalifa. It went too long, and it sucked. There is nothing on this show or last week's show that compares to Wiz Khalifa's shittiness.

That's it for another week fans. Remember, it's just a show. Enjoy it.