In My Defense: The Insane Clown Posse

Welcome to a new segment here at Sophisticating Sandwiches! "In My Defense" is a series of articles in which our writers will be taking on something they love that the general public has decided is horrible, and defending it to the best of their abilities. I drew the short straw and I will be going first. This week I will be defending a rap group that I love, a group the world seems to hate, a group that I am probably not suited to defend... the Insane Clown Posse.

For those who don't know, the Insane Clown Posse is a horror themed rap duo that individually go by the names Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope. They got started making music in the late 80's/early 90's, and over the years they have found that their strange themes, clown like face paint, and over the top stage shows have gained them a loyal cult following of rabid fans. These much maligned (often unfairly so)fans are known as Juggalos. These fans paint their faces, chant loudly outside of every show, get sprayed in the face with diet root beer through the entire concert, and love every second of it. So why are these two men so despised by a majority of the world, and why do I love them so much? Let's find out.

Why do people think it sucks?

Let's get the ugly stuff out of the way. Even as a fan of the group, I can definitely see why they're not everybody's cup of tea. They're loud, obnoxious, ugly, and to be honest that's a big part of what we as fans love about them. Their themes of violence, insanity, and occasionally the Wizard of Oz cause many to see them as annoying and offensive. Most fans of rap music will tell you that they're not very talented as far as rappers go, and they would honestly be correct. They have an old school, disjointed style that doesn't seem to have much of an audience anymore. They're loud, violent, angry, and they don't care if you like it or not. For those reasons, I can definitely understand why people don't like them.

So how can you defend them?

Easy. All the things most people hate about these two musical misfits are all the things we love about them. There's nothing we love more than being screamed at by a man in clown paint about going out to hunt down and behead racist rednecks, while having two liters of cheap soda poured on us. Aside from that, there is plenty about this group that mainstream fans should still be able to appreciate. First and foremost, their marketing genius. They may not be on any list in Forbes magazine, but ICP's dedicated fan base was built slowly over time, and is so dedicated that we'll buy pretty much anything they put out just to support this band we love so much. They knew they weren't the best rappers, or the prettiest. They knew they were never going to open for Usher, and they embraced it. They made themselves stand out, so even if you didn't like them  you couldn't help but notice them. That slowly grew their loyal fan base, and made the duo enough money to live quite comfortably in their Michigan homes. Not only that, it has allowed them to start a record label, wrestling company, and to a put together a yearly festival that loses them an estimated 10,000 dollars a year. Why? Because they can, and their fans love it.

People often point to their violent themes as evidence of them being bad for society, but let's delve a little deeper shall we? Yes, there are needlessly violent songs with no theme and no point just for the hell of it. I won't deny those exist. However, if you look at most of their music, there is a bigger message. "Halls of Illusions" isn't just about an evil carnival ride that kills people, it's about a carnival ride that takes evil people, bigots, wife beaters, pedophiles, etc., and shows them how happy their family would be without them... and then kills them. They're loud and violent and brash, but behind it they're telling their fans to accept everyone, be kind to their fellow man, and try their best to find everyday miracles in their own way. It may seem hard to find to the casual listener, but it's all there.

Another thing that should be pointed out to those who don't understand ICP is their ability and willingness to experiment. They don't get bogged down with what they think their fans want them to sound like, and nowhere is that more prevalent than Violent J's 2003 solo album, Wizard of the Hood, a Wizard of Oz themed concept album that everyone, even haters should check out. It's a lot of fun and shows off the group's inventiveness. Aside from that, they have a running series of concept albums called the joker cards, each one having a different theme having to do with life and death, spirituality, and morality. Behind the silly clown facade, there is a lot of intelligence going to work for the two painted pariahs of rap.

One last thing I should mention is that much like Roger Corman, they will live on in infamy not from their own work, but through the careers they have launched. The cult popularity of ICP has granted a platform to much more beloved acts such as Twiztid, Kottonmouth Kings, and biggest of all, Tech N9ne. All of these groups can thank the Insane Clown Posse's help early on for the success they've gained, and will continue to gain.

Conclusions?

Ok, I know I'm probably not going to convert any haters with this article, but I do think that ICP gets trashed more than they deserve. They've had a wide influence on rap as a genre, they're marketing geniuses, and they don't seem to be stopping any time soon. Whether you love them or hate them or have never heard of them, I hope this at least gets you to give them a second look. There's a lot more good in them than most people realize.

Thanks for reading, and please feel free to drop comments in the comments section if you disagree with me or even if you agree with me, but feel I left something out. Happy New Year, and Whoop Whoop to us all.

Did Raw Suck This Week? 12/29/14

Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to another edition of “Did Raw Suck This Week?” Unlike last week, when we were promised a show of holiday cheer and got awkward Christmas puns forced into promos, this week we are promised a night totally reeking of awesomeness… minus what might be a heartbreaking retirement speech. Whatever the case, this episode of Raw certainly promises to be eventful. Let’s see if it lives up to the promise, or like a prom night affair, falls flat in a few minutes and leads to shame tears.

We begin with Edge and Christian coming to the ring, and the crowd goes apeshit. Why not? I know I am. Christian, in his member’s only jacket, gets scared by Edge’s pyro, and it is official. this Raw has already entertained me more than last week’s. Edge is wearing a Sammy Zayn shirt, which is pretty awesome of him to do. The team argues over whether we’re going to see the Peep show or The Cutting Edge tonight. They do a bit of comedy back and forth and I am loving every second of it. They eventually settle on doing the first ever Cutting Edge Peep Show, and the first guest will be Seth Rollins. The crowd boos much louder for Seth Rollins here than I’m used to hearing. That’s a promising sign.

Christian says that the first match tonight will be Rusev versus Ziggler and they will both be completely naked! Thankfully he strikes that last part (Though my fiance certainly wouldn’t have protested) and teases the Daniel Bryan appearance. The pop for Daniel Bryan is much louder than even Edge and Christian got. The wrestling world loves Daniel Bryan right now, and if Vince doesn’t capitalize the board members should actually ask them to step down, as their fictional counterparts have done roughly fifteen times now. Edge and Christian then say they’re going to do a five second pose, but it is interrupted by the music you know so well. It’s the conqueror, the streak breaker, the eater of men! Wait, that last one doesn’t sound right… anyway, it’s Brock mothafuckin’ Lesnar! The crowd isn’t happy, but Brock don’t give no shits. He slowly walks to the ring, the WWE belt held hostage over his shoulder. I like that Brock never seems to be in a hurry to beat anyone up. Its’ like he always knows the ass will be there to kick whenever he gets to the ring.

Paul Heyman grabs a mic and does his thing, and if you’ve been reading these articles at all, you’ll know exactly how I feel about it. Heyman is gold here. He rubs E&C’s injuries in their faces, asking why two broken down ex-stars like themselves would be willing to swim in the water with the walking Sharktopus that is Brock Lesnar. Heyman says Cena’s name, and Cena has more heat from the crowd than any heel mentioned so far. That didn’t sound like even close to a mixed reaction to me. The Cena God King comes out as if summoned, and the crowd boos even louder.

The two anabolic titans stare each other down, and some “let’s go Cena” chants actually break through. Cena cuts a serious Cena promo, and I feel like I have to take a second out of my day to address something. As you know I have a tendency to give Cena crap for his goofy promo style. That’s because I hate it. He’s not funny and it’s not charming, especially not from a man his age. However, as much as I hate that Cena, I absolutely love him when he gets serious. There are few people in the business today that cut a better serious promo than John Cena. He does it here Incredibly well and grabs Paul Heyman. This draws in Brock, which Jerry Lawler hints was Cenas diabolical plan all along! Cena lifts Brock for the AA, but he gets out and dives out of the ring with Paul Heyman. Paul has to beg Brock not to get back in the ring, and eventually they walk back up the ramp. One hell of an opening segment. It helps that the champ could actually show up, but it seemed like the writers were trying for once.

After the break we get Ziggler versus Rusev. This week Ziggler manages to get in some offense before Rusev starts kicking the shit out of him. I kid, I kid. It ends up being a pretty good back and forth match that does a lot to make both men look strong as we go into a mid-match commercial… which I hate.

Commercial note: Is the point of a Reese’s commercial to make me want to fuck a Reese’s?… because I kind of want to fuck a Reese’s.

Back from break and Rusev is firmly in control. Maybe it’s just me, but Dolph doesn’t seem to be bumping like a mad man this week? That’s perfectly fine by me. I would rather not see him in a wheelchair at the age of fifty. He mounts a comeback and takes the fight to Rusev more than I’ve seen almost anyone else do lately. The match ends when Rusev won’t stop stomping him in the corner and gets a DQ. This was a very good match between two men who seem to have a lot of charisma. I understand the ending, because being a champion versus champion match you really don’t want to have a loser, so well done.

After the match Rusev wraps Ziggler up in the ropes, and puts him in the Accolade. The refs drag Rusev off of him, and Ryback comes out. Holy crap! They’ve found a crowd that actually likes Ryback! Rusev gets the meathook and retreats as Ryback begs for some food. Would someone point him toward a Subway or something?

We get a shot of the announcers, which only serves to remind me that they exist. Stupid move on WWE’s part. They plug a rivalries special on the network, as well as an encore presentation of the HOF ceremony and Wrestlemania 30. I know they have to do it, but there’s a way to do it without looking like tools, and they obviously have no clue what that way is.

We come back from commercial, and Ryback is still in the ring, and god dammit! Who gave Ryback a microphone! Have them fired immediately! Ryback talks about how he got his start in WWE with the Tough Enough competition, and he gives us a clip from that. For those who are too young, or weren’t watching when Tough Enough was on, it was like NXT, but shitty. Ryback then tells us he got fired and went into a deep depression, not even talking to his family because he was ashamed. He then plugs the Secret for some fucking reason, and we get a clip from when he was with the Nexus.

He then talks about breaking his ankle in three places and shows us the scar. I have to say this seems like a real story, and the crowd starts to get into it once he shows them the scar. We then get a clip montage of his life as Ryback, which serves to make him look like a pretty convincing bad ass. Finally he gets to the point of all this, and starts talking about Rusev. He says this isn’t about nationality, it’s about one big guy kicking another big guy’s ass. He ends on his catchphrase and the crowd chants with gusto. Ryback did a great job of selling the match toward the end of his promo, but the early bit about his life went on way too long and could have been saved for a different segment.

Back from commercial, and the Bella Mannequins are on their way to the ring. My sun and stars, Natalya is already in with her schmuck of a husband that she should totally leave for me. The match isn’t very long. At one point Natty knocks Nikki Bella off the apron and Tyson catches her, and Natalya is none too happy. That’s right! Leave his ass! I’ll be here to talk when you’re ready. Nikki uses the distraction to her advantage and hits the rack attack for the win. The Bella with boobs poses with the belt, and we get a replay of the match.

Next shot is of the Miz and Damien Mizdow backstage fondling the tag titles inappropriately. The talented Funkadactyl thanks Miz for helping with her music career. Sandow is excused hilariously, and the two prattle on about some bullshit music project. We fade out and time was wasted.

Back, and we get the flying Uso twins, ready for their tag title shot. They’re dancing down to the ring, and they better be careful. That’s A New Day’s gimmick, and it’s their only one. Miz and Mizdow come out next with the tag titles. I love that Mizdow has toy titles and a toy Slammy. The crowd doesn’t seem to care about Miz, but they love them some Damien Mizdow.

The match is decent, but I’ve seen combinations of these four too many times at this point to accept just a decent match for the belts. It doesn’t help that the crowd doesn’t give a shit about anyone but Mizdow. Miz staying in the whole match and not tagging in Damien, while I understand the story behind it, makes for a boring tag match. Uso #1 takes out Miz and pins him to win the titles.

Creepy Uncle Jerry gets in the ring to interview the Superfly brothers. They give a fun babyface promo here, and the crowd gives them a decent reaction, but definitely not the reaction this team should be getting. Afterword the announcers tease Daniel Bryan retiring. If he’s not retiring, this is tasteless and makes me feel quite uncomfortable. If he is retiring, why foreshadow? Either way this is a dumb move. They then scoot right along to talking about a later match. They show a video of the Shield’s run at the top, as well as Seth Rollins’ betrayal. It does a good job of making Rollins look like an actual wrestler, and not some dude Triple H likes. On a side note, does anybody in the world believe that those are real cinderblocks they’re using?

We get a commercial, and when we come back Cesaro is sitting in the ring with a mic in his hand. He opines about how 2014 should have been his year. He won the Andre the Giant memorial battle Royal at the last Wrestlemania, but now WWE is telling him he doesn’t connect. He says he doesn’t care about connecting with us, which is sad. I can be a really good friend. He says he doesn’t care about fancy elaborate entrances, all he cares about is guitar… I mean wrestling. He then issues an open challenge, which is answered far too quickly by Wade Barrett. Almost as if he were just waiting backstage to come out for an open challenge. Odd.

Barrett says he’s going to break Cesaro’s shiny head open with a bull hammer… and that seems sort of gruesome to be saying on a PG show. We get a good hard hitting match from these two that was way too short. Seems to me you could have cut a few minutes off the tag title match and given it to this. The crowd seemed into it too. Very well done by both competitors for what little time they were given.

Next we get a Luke Harper promo. He tries to be Bray Wyatt, but it doesn’t work. He just sounds like angry Forrest Gump. It’s mercifully short, and we go to commercial.

A vignette airs for the Ascension, and it does nothing to dispel the LOD comparisons. I very much hate what they are doing to this talented tag team.

Jack Swagger comes to the ring, and his face definitely doesn’t have the look of a man who’s about to receive a monster push. He’ll be fighting Luke Harper. Strap in kids, I have a feeling this one is going to be ugly. Oh look, I was right. It’s slow, plodding, and the crowd is not interested. I don’t say this often, but that god we’re getting a mid-match commercial.

We come back and they don’t seem to be interested in doing anything to bring the crowd back into this match. It’s almost like WWE told them to go out and give the audience a chance to grab concessions and merchandise. Harper ends up winning, but let’s be honest, you didn’t really give a shit. We get a replay of the Cena/Brock confrontation from earlier, followed by a shot of Cena backstage joking with Edge and Christian about the days when Johnny boy and Edge used to try and beat each other’s brains out. Sadly Christian and Cena have no memories, so he shares one about Edge that brings up old beef. There’s a sincere moment where Cena thanks Edge for everything they did together. Very nice.

Back to the ring, and roman Reigns is making his way through the crowd. I don’t understand why he wears a shirt. If I looked like him I wouldn’t even wear a shirt to church. Big Show comes down and has himself a seat at the announcer’s table, which should make the commentary slightly less… make-me-wanna-stab-a-baby-ish. Rollins comes down next, and he also wears a shirt, which is also stupid. The man is cut like Odysseus. At least he’s smart enough to remove his. Reigns is like a fat kid at the pool. Does he have a Malcolm X tattoo or something? (Shout out to MVP)

Rollins and Reigns have a great back and forth match with some innovative spots that only serves to further my point that this match should have been given more build and a pay per view spot. The match makes both men look good, which is something Rollins desperately needed. It goes to show that both men definitely have a shot at being the true future of the WWE. The match ends when Big Show pulls Reigns out of the ring and attacks him. He tosses the announce table on top of him, and the crowd boos mightily. For a schmozz finish (and the second one of the night at that) it’s well done, and it follows a satisfying match. The announcers are selling it like Roman Reigns is going to need to have his leg amputated as we fade to commercial.

Commercial note: I will not be seeing the Wedding Ringer, and if you’re a good person you won’t either.

Back from break and we get more of Roman Reigns being dead. We cut backstage to Rollins congratulating Big Show. He then says he’s going to invite John Cena to appear on the Cutting Edge Peep Show later tonight. Another shot of the announcers surveying the wreckage of their table as if it were 9/11. We hop in the wayback machine and go all the way back to Hell in a Cell for a recap of the Wyatt/Ambrose feud. The WWE editing team is full of geniuses. They know how to hype a feud and build a character seemingly better than anyone else at Titan Towers. (Do they still call it that? Nevermind, I don’t give a shit.)

Back live, and they announce an ambulance match between Dean Ambrose and Bray Wyatt. If I didn’t love both of these guys, I wouldn’t care even a little at this point. I’ve seen them fight so many times that even I don’t want to see it again, no matter how awesome it’s going to be. I’m just hoping this ends up being the blow off match. Bray Wyatt cuts a promo from inside of an ambulance, and he does a fantastic job of hyping the match. He sort of cuts through the bullshit and makes it about two crazy guys trying to kill each other (finally). We then cut to Daniel Bryan saying hi to people backstage as they hype his upcoming announcement.

Back from break, and we get an ad for Main event tomorrow, which will be Santino’s New Year’s party. Weird segue into Daniel Bryan’s possible retirement. The crowd loses their minds for the goat faced wonder as he does the Yes dance down the ramp. He says it’s always an honor to be in a WWE ring. He reminisces a bit about main eventing Wrestlemania, and thanks the fans for sticking with him. He then starts talking about his father passing away, and dealing with his neck injury and he starts to tear up pretty bad at one point. He talks about all the pain, both physical, and the emotional pain of not being able to come out and perform. He says he has come to a decision, which is that his career is not over, and the crowd loses it again. He also announces that he is going to participate in the Royal Rumble. He had me scared for a minute there. Fuck anyone who says Daniel Bryan can’t act.

The crowd chants “Yes” as we cut to backstage where Edge and Christian are composing music with a kazoo. They play a song for Miz, but he’s rude and doesn’t let them finish. Edge brings out a puppet and says it’s his stunt double. This doesn’t make Miz very happy. Doc Hollywood came to demand a rematch for the tag titles. Edge and his stunt puppet give them the match… except it isn’t for the titles… or with the Uso’s… and it’s next. So nothing Miz wanted. I love Edge.

We get an announcement that there will be a second Cutting Edge Peep Show this week on Smackdown with Wyatt and Ambrose as the special guests. Miz and Mizdow are in the ring, waiting for their mystery opponent. Turns out it’s the Ascension. I hate the shoulderpads and the facepaint, but I absolutely love these guys. Miz tags Midow in right away, and they immediately go to work on him. Good short squash match that makes the Ascension look super strong, and gives Miz and Mizdow a reason to finally split up.

Cut to backstage where Seth Rollins is being interviewed by Renee Young (my second choice behind Natalya). Seth extends a second invitation to the Cutting Edge Peep Show, and this one is to Brock Lesnar. Has Rollins recently gone off his meds? Commercial break, and up next is the new Edge and Christian hybrid talk show.

The set is great. It has arrows for where Edge and Christian are supposed to stand individually. They welcome us to the first ever edition of this confusingly named talk show. They’re hilarious about introducing Seth Rollins. I especially liked the “General Zod 2000” nickname. Rollins comes out with the New Stooges behind him and takes a seat. He certainly seems hell bent on having fun with this segment. He sucks up to Edge and Christian like crazy, even calling them his heroes. The banter between the three is a lot of fun, and shows another side of Seth’s personality. He goes over his many accomplishments, and asks who’s had a better year than him. Edge and Christian have a lot of answer to that question.

Seth talks more about how he’s sad the Authority is gone, and how he’s sorry for being a party pooper. He wants to change. A little late for christmas, Scrooge, but we’ll take it. He says we can’t celebrate the new Seth Rollins until he calls out his good friend, the Big Show. The crowd is anti-this, and I can’t say I disagree. Show comes down to the ring, and the WWE Universe is not amused. Rollins says there’s one more person he wants to bring out, and that’s John Cena, the Doctor of Thuganomics himself. Cena doesn’t seem interested in coming out though. Seth says he wants Cena to come out because he wants something from him, hoping this will spark curiosity. Cena still doesn’t come out. Rollins says if Cena won’t come out, he is forced to attack Christian, which he does. Edge shoves him back, but quickly finds himself surrounded. Big Show forces his head down onto the briefcase, and Rollins screams for Cena to come save his friend. Rollins even threatens to paralyze Edge, and this ends up creating a powerful moment. Cena runs down, but Rollins tells him to stop outside the ring.

He says Cena knows what he wants, and if he doesn’t give it to him he’ll turn Edge into a quadriplegic. Michael “Sherlock Holmes” Cole deduces that Rollins wants Cena to bring the Authority back. Rollins does a great job on the mic, and Cena does just as good of a job of selling the emotion of the moment. John stalls a bit before saying that he officially brings back the Authority, and no one is excited except for Seth Rollins.

Rollins goes to curbstomp Edge anyway, and Cena attacks. the numbers game quickly catches up to him, and Big Show takes him out with the KO punch. Rollins then curbstomps him. To end the show, Rollins shakes hands with Paul Heyman and poses atop the ramp. Triple H’s music hits, and the Authority comes out… yippee. I have mixed feelings about this final segment. It was perfectly done with beautiful emotion and great work from all involved. On the other hand, the Authority is back, and I can’t think of a single person who wanted that.

So, did it suck? Not at all. This was an incredibly entertaining show. It had its flaws. A number of the matches didn’t mean much, and the pacing was odd at times, but overall I was entertained and even got excited for the Royal Rumble.

MVP: Seth Rollins. He nailed it this week, showing he can really shine if given the opportunity.

The suckiest part: Nikki Bella. I am so tired of her plastic demeanor taking up way more TV time than it’s worth.

That’s it for this week friends! Make sure to tune in next week as we lead ourselves up to the Royal Rumble!

Did Raw Suck This Week?: Christmas edition!

Welcome back to another episode of “Did Raw Suck This Week?” I regret to inform my readers that I am unable to give you my random running thoughts during the last five minute of NCIS because in all of their infinite wisdom, USA decided to air Jingle All The Way 2 instead. I know some of you are thinking “That’s awesome! You can rant about the last five minutes of THAT!” and to that I say, go fuck yourself. I mean, I don’t mind torturing myself by watching Raw for you, but under no circumstances will I watch Jingle All The Way 2. From what I understand, they couldn’t even get Dick Cheney to condone using this movie on prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. I guess he does have a conscience.

We open with a shot of the set, and it looks like Santa had an incredibly violent orgasm all over the stage. They open the show by pushing Christmas harder than they’re pushing Roman Reigns. The announcers inform us that tonight we will see Dean Ambrose and Bray Wyatt in a… *sigh* Miracle on 34th street fight… kill me.

First person out to the ring tonight is Hulk Hogan. My apologies. It’s not Hulk Hogan. It’s Ho-Ho-Hogan… I reiterate, kill me. Ho-Ho-Hogan tells us that he’s here to spread Christmas cheer all over our faces. That’s right Hulkster, treat me like Bubba the Love Sponge’s wife. I guess he’s here to give out presents or something. I don’t know. I have to be honest, it’s only four minutes in and I’m already about to check out. Hulk runs down the matches we were JUST told we’re going to see, and is then interrupted by John Cena. I don’t often say this, but thank god for Super Cena.

Of course John is busy laughing and smiling as if his job doesn’t involve beating other men half to death on a weekly basis. Super Pope Christ sings us a few lines from Frozen, and it’s dead. It is officially dead. Knock it off. I swear to Santa Christ, if I have to hear one more parody of Let It Go I will stab a bag of puppies and throw it in the Mississippi river! Anyway, we get a replay of Brock Lesnar obliterating Cena last week, and then Rollins picking up his sloppy seconds. After the clip the crowd argues with themselves about whether or not they want Lesnar. Cena says he wants Lesnar. He wants to kick Lesnar’s teeth down his throat. Good luck Johnny! Tonight isn’t one of Brock’s contractually obligated appearances, so HA!

Cena gets serious, but still throws Christmas references into the promo, making it a mess that is more confusing than entertaining. What we get is Cena demanding that he get a match with Seth Rollins. Awesome! I totally didn’t just see that match last week! Rollins comes out to interrupts, and I would thank God for Rollins but I’m 0-1 doing that so far. He stands on the stage with the New Stooges behind him and cuts a promo on Cena. I think someone lit a fire under Seth’s ass because these last two weeks his mic work has been heads and tails above his previous stuff. I guess Rollins’ promos are one less thing about Raw that I get to mock relentlessly. The list is still really fucking long.

Rollins does a good job of putting over Cena, and then telling him that his time is up. Seth claims to be the new future, which makes Cena the… the past future… I don’t know. The crowd chants “you sold out” because my fellow Minnesotans are very easily upset. Seth informs us that Ho-Ho-Hogan is running things tonight, and for once I agree with Seth. I would actually rather have the fucking Authority back than deal with this. Both men are forced to put Christmas references and puns into their serious promos, and it’s so out of place and awkward that it ruins any mood they might have created. Seth talks about Sting some more, and I really don’t like how much they’re mentioning Sting. It leads me to believe they’re setting up a match for him… which would be horrific. We don’t deserve that sort of treatment Vince, we just don’t! Seth asks Ho-Ho-Hogan to Force Cena to bring back the Authority, and I couldn’t be more tired of this story line. Cena yells at Rollins a bit, still using Christmas cliches, but he says the ass word so the crowd pops.

Hogan suddenly remembers where he is, and starts talking. He announces that Seth Rollins will be facing John Cena in the first match. See, even WWE knows nobody cares about this match. It’s jerking the curtain! Hogan hits his catchphrases, Cena puts on a Santa hat, and we head off into commercial land, where I would honestly rather spend the next three hours. This opening segment was absolutely atrocious. It could have been good if they went out and cut normal, serious promos, but they had to throw in the stupid, forced Christmas references the writers came up with, and it just ruined the whole thing. I get that it’s a Christmas episode, but either take it seriously or don’t. When you sit on the fence like this, all you do is leave me confused and pissed off.

The match between Cena and Rollins is poorly paced and seems choreographed. There’s no emotion or interesting story telling at all. They’re very clearly just going through the motions so they can get to the airport and go home to their families. I can’t really blame them, but at least pretend you’re trying. Later on they get a few interesting combinations in, and they kind of save it towards the end, but I have to agree with the easily entertained crowd. That was not, in fact, awesome. Even when it got good, it didn’t feel like they could click into any sort of rhythm, and they didn’t seem to care. Note to the live crowd: near fall after near fall followed by Cena hitting the AA on the New Stooges is not the same thing as drama. Cena wins clean with The AA to Rollins, which might actually be the worst part of this match. The last person who needs a win right now is Cena. Rollins should have won this one again, just for the sake of his legitimacy as a wrestler. Before the break, the announcers tell us that WWE is going to once again be stupid enough to give Rowdy Roddy Piper a live microphone. This should be fun,

We come back to Jack Swagger v. Fandango. It’s short, pointless, boring and for some reason Fandango wins. No shits were given. We get a backstage promo from Dolph Ziggler, who is a terrible babyface. He gives us a boring, white meat speech that motivates no one to care. He does it well, but the things they’ve scripted for him to say are so wishy washy and inoffensive, it’s like they have no idea who the Dolph Ziggler character is supposed to be.

We get a vignette for A New Day, though I couldn’t tell you why. They debuted weeks ago. They’re preaching in front of a choir. Y’know, like black guys do! It’s not awful, but it’s the same shit I’ve been seeing from them for months. I know nothing new about the team. Back live and Adam Rose is on his way to the ring with the Erotic Express or whatever he calls it. The bunny is in a neck brace after being tombstoned last week, and that’s actually kind of funny. Well done WWE. You managed to get a slight reaction out of me 50 minutes into the show. Be proud. Rose is fighting R-Truth, who I could have sworn was working at Home Depot with Shane Douglas by now. The match is over faster than I can type that joke. R-Truth rolls Adam Rose up for the pin. After the match the bunny tries to console Adam Rose, but it doesn’t seem to work. He attacks the bunny (fucking finally) as his bisexual ho-train looks on in horror. Adam Rose tries his best to sell this angle, but the crowd couldn’t care less. Adam walks up the ramp, and mercifully the first hour of Raw is over.

We come back from commercial to see Big Show on his way to the ring… and it’s snowing for some reason. IS GLACIER COMING BACK?! If that happens I will mark out and never question WWE again. Apparently Big Show has a present for Roman Reigns, and according to him it’s not a stocking stuffer, it’s a face stuffer. Dear Vince, fire your entire fucking writing staff!

Big Show and Reigns have a match, if you can call it that. It’s slow, plodding, and ends when Big Show gets counted out. Way to make your hot new babyface look strong guys. This was disjointed and weird and pointless. We go backstage where Dean Ambrose is looking about as bat shit crazy as usual. He cuts a Christmas promo which doesn’t seem so out of place for him, but that’s because he’s supposed to be clinically insane. The things he says aren’t supposed to make sense. The promo is still poorly written, but the way he delivers it gets the segment a solid C+.

Back from another commercial, and out comes Brie Bella. Goody! This should totally turn the show around… he said as sarcastically as humanly possible. She’s going to be fighting my future ex-wife, Natalya. This match is actually the best one of the show so far. It’s hard hitting, well paced, has some innovative sequences, and does a good job of showcasing Brie’s new heel attitude. Not to mention Natty gets the win and ends up looking like a complete bad ass, which is always a plus in my book.

Up next is a vignette for the Ascension. I know I complained about this last week, but this is awful. It’s dimestore L.O.D., everyone knows it, and it’s terrible. After that we get a match with the Dust brothers, Gold and Star, fighting the matadores. Their little bull mascot is wearing reindeer antlers… seriously kill me. The match has some good spots, but the midget gets involved and actually gets the pin, which ruins the whole thing.

Next is a backstage promo from Luke Harper. He talks about how he doesn’t like to give. He likes to take. He then says he’s going to hurt Dolph Ziggler and take the Intercontinental title. Luke is awful on the mic. He needs a manager yesterday. We cut to commercial, and I can not believe we’re only half way through the show. It feels like I’ve been here for four hours. Not a good sign, but they still have time to turn it around.

Next match is Ziggler v. Harper, and they decide to skip right to the middle of the match. You know, the part where Ziggler is getting the shit beaten out of him and selling like he’s been stabbed several hundred times.

Commercial note: these anti-smoking commercials make me badly want a cigarette, and I haven’t had one since August.

We come back from commercial, and Harper is still tossing Ziggler around like a corpse. Has WWE just decided that it doesn’t want any of its babyfaces getting over? Ziggler makes Harper’s offense look good, but I have a feeling he’s one of the few who can do that. Somewhere in the middle of the match Harper no sells a superkick… because getting kicked in the fucking jaw doesn’t phase hillbillies I guess. Towards the end they have a couple cool spots and Ziggler wins clean. Good match with an odd story that ended up coming off as just ok. Post match interview with Ziggler thanking the fans, and I’m over it. It’s pandering and stupid now, and it’s going to kill any momentum he has. They definitely need new writers for Dolph.  Before our next commercial break, we get an announcement that the Roddy Piper live mic challenge is coming up next.

I have to say that Piper is looking really good considering how bad he has looked in the past. He also seems more articulate and with it than in past years. It almost felt like the Roddy Piper of old was back for a few minutes. He introduces Lana and Drago Rusev. The rash having Russian interrupts him. She says that American Christmas is a joke. That it’s the one time of year we pretend to be good, that we use it to turn our kids into greedy little consumption addicts, and she’s actually making a lot of good points here. Piper interrupts her and spouts off some rah rah America bullshit, even though he’s a Canadian pretending to be Scottish. She interrupts him back, and brings up the clip of Rusev annihilating the Ryback on Smackdown last week. Rusev then grabs the mic, and he is a far more convincing broken english speaking monster heel than most of the hundreds we’ve had to put up with. He threatens Piper who tries to convince him that we can all share some Christmas joy. Piper says he even got Rusev a gift. How thoughtful of him.

The present is Ryback wearing a bow, and that’s not thoughtful at all! Bad Piper! I’m not making that up by the way. Ryback comes out wearing a big fucking red bow. They brawl and there’s a little back and forth before Ryback gets the upper hand and goes for the meathook. Rusev dives out of the ring, and the crowd boos him for not letting Ryback take his head off. Piper raises Ryback’s arm and we get a cheap pop moment to further the feud nobody ever wanted.

We go to a shot of the announcers, and Jesus Christ it’s even more unbearable when I can see them. At least when a match is going on I can try to ignore their drunken ramblings. They recap the opening segment… and that’s it.

Commercial note: How many times can Liam Neesan deal with this shit before he just says fuck it, and lets the bad guys have his sister in law or dry cleaner or whoever it is they decided to kidnap this time?

Back from commercial and we get… a Santa’s little helper six diva tag match. Remember what I said about them having time to turn the show around? Yeah that’s done. I would run down the list of competitors, but let’s be honest, you don’t care and it would take longer than this match is going to last. The Minnesota crowd is really into Paige, because she’s got the pale white skin we’re used to up here. Women with tans look alien to us. We don’t trust it.

The match is passable, but way too short to have needed all six of those divas. The one real shining point was Naomi, AKA the talented Funkadactyl. Obvious filler match… like half the matches on the show tonight have been.

Another Ascension promo happens. So not only are they mishandling them, they’re over exposing the, before they ever get on TV. Well done WWE. Well done. Back to the ring and out comes the Miz with Damien Mizdow. Short in the box promo where Mizdow almost gets to sing a solo, but Miz cuts him off… meh. Needed more Mizdow. Anyway, it looks like Miz is going to be fighting Uso #2 this time. It’s another solid match that gets overshadowed by Damien Sandow’s flawless miming technique.

It looks like Miz is finding his stride again just as Mizdow is finally gaining some momentum with the fans. If they don’t wait too long to pop the cork on this feud, the crowd should lose their shit when it happens. That’s one giant “if”. Miz wins with a roll-up and a handful of tights. Either Mizdow is doing a very good job of subtly playing a guy who’s getting tired of the Miz, or he’s actually tired of this angle and wants them to pull the trigger as bad as I do.

I guess Edge and Christian will be hosting Raw next week, and I can not impress upon you enough how much I would rather be reviewing that episode right now. It’s time for the main event though, a Miracle on 34th street fight. I honestly can not get over how stupid that name is. I also can’t get over the fact that we’re getting Ambrose v. Wyatt again. I know we’ve had it on a few pay per views, but that’s exactly where this match should be.Not on some Christmas themed Raw five weeks before the Rumble.

Bray comes down, and someone put dry ice in his lantern again. Not cool guys. He cuts his own Christmas promo, and it’s good but that’s because he underplays the stupid theme and just cuts a solid Bray Wyatt promo. He talks about how happiness is an illusion and the real world, his world is made of pain and sorrow. He promises to bring that world to Dean Ambrose, which surprise surprise brings out Captain Crazypants himself.

There are Christmas presents outside the ring, and I can only assume they’re full of weapons… which is stupid. If I want a weapon, why would I risk opening some random box? Why wouldn’t I just go under the ring? Ah well, at this point I’m just nitpicking over lightsabers. Commercial break time!

This match is a solid example of two supposedly crazy men beating the crap out of each other. Ambrose proves my nitpicking correct at one point by pulling a table out from under the ring… wrapped in a big fucking bow. Jesus Christ. There are a few fun hardcore spots in the match, and there are some stupid Christ,as based spots, but the story is solid, both characters get over, and there’s emotion to it. It was an entertaining match, but at the same time cheesey an unnecessary. I liked it for what it was, but it didn’t need to be. If it weren’t for all the stupid Christmas bullshit, I might say this is their best match so far. It ends when Bray runs Dean into the edge of a Kendo stick and pins him. After the match Dean surprises Bray with a fire extinguisher and a big table spot. Merry Christmas Bray! We get a recap of everything that just happened, and we fade out with a shot of the two men lying among the wreckage.

So, did it suck? Yeah, pretty much. There were a good number of matches, but a lot of them were pointless and way too short. We got some decent promos, but with all the forced Christmas cliches thrown in, it ruined whatever chance they had. That was my main problem with this show. You have two choices. You either do a serious show, or you do a fun, goofy Christmas show. This year WWE tried to have it both ways and failed miserably. This was not a good start for the build up to the Royal Rumble.

MVP: Wyatt and Ambrose by a mile and a half.

Worst part of the show: Christmas.

Well that’s it for this week folks. Tune in to next week’s review, which should be totally reeking of awesomeness.

Special Review: Nick Offerman, American Ham

I was planning on being lazy. I was in no way planning to do a full length review of anything this week. Truth be told, I was going to be lazy enough to give you a top ten list. However, that must now wait. While procrastinating, I came across something on Netflix that touched me so deeply that I knew I would have to write something about it. This special made me take a long hard look at my perspective on life, and I honestly think it may have changed me forever. That special is Nick Offerman: American Ham.

I don't mean to overplay it, but it's hard not to considering how much this special affected me. I had been a fan of Nick Offerman's work on Parks and Rec, so when I clicked on his special I expected to laugh and be entertained for an hour. What I did not expect was a barrage of hilarious, often filthy humor combined with an honesty not often seen out of comedians today, as well as life musings and tips that put a different perspective on the human experience.

First things first. Let's talk about the most important part of any comedy show, the comedy. Nick Offerman is absolutely hilarious in this special. Now I understand that comedy is subjective and relates closely to personal experience, so for what that's worth, I found him to be witty, insightful, and his timing is on par with the greats. In his comedy we also get to see something we don't often see out of comedians these days, honesty. At the end of this special I laughed, but I also felt like I knew Nick Offerman a little better. His charisma and charm oozes from the screen during every joke, so even if you don't think he's that funny, I have a feeling you'll still find yourself liking the man telling them.

That is not to say that there aren't a few negatives. Mr. Offerman can get a little dirty even for my tastes, especially when he sings. It is not pointless filth, as it is often funny, but it is definitely not for those who are easily offended. It can go a bit overboard and seem to be dirty for dirty sake, but those moments are very brief in the midst of a wonderful special. There are a number of songs during the special (two of which we don't get to see for legal reasons) and with the exception of the last one, these are not hits for me. They seem to drag a little long, and while they're funny I don't find them funny for long enough to carry the song. Those are really my only complaints though. Otherwise the comedy side of this performance is fantastic.

Humor isn't all Nick Offerman has to give us in this special. It is formatted around ten of Mr. Offerman's tips for a healthy and happy life. I won't spoil them for you here, but in these tips Nick offers us a different take on life, lessons about the value of hard work and hard love, a cautionary warning not to follow the rules too closely, and the all important message that it's okay to make mistakes and do the wrong thing every once in a while. Not all of the concepts he discusses may be revolutionary to you, but the charm and intelligence with which he delivers his message will at the very least have you thinking once the special is done. 

Depending on your tastes it might not be the funniest thing you've ever seen, and it may be a little filthy, but Nick Offerman: American Ham very well may have changed my life. At the very least it made me think about how I am approaching it, and that's more than I ever expected when clicking on a Netflix comedy special. If you have an hour today go watch it. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

-Dale Curtis

Did Raw Suck This Week? 12/15/14

Hot off the heels of an exciting filler pay per view that didn’t mean a lot, welcome to Did Raw Suck This Week! Who’s the intercontinental champion? Who’s the US champion? Who’s the WWE champ? Brock Lesnar is still the WWE champion, idiot! He wasn’t even at the ppv last night! Keep up!

Once again I am lucky enough to tune in five minutes early, so you’re getting my running thoughts during the last five minutes of NCIS.

Dude in a turtleneck’s interrogating a douchey teenager. He’s about to kill the kid for being a bully! I’m all for it but god damn turtle neck guy, tone it down. Oh man! Looks like the douchey bully is gonna talk. Maybe he doesn’t die today. Now we’ve got the old guy from last time driving around with a chick who looks like she would make an amazing dominatrix and a dude who looks like he could be her client. Now there’s a dude on the roof wearing a ski mask. Oh snap they got him! Hope they shoot him in the throat this week. This dude doesn’t look like he could commit a crime if his life depended on it. Old dude’s roughing him up pretty good. These two are talking way too fast for this to not sound scripted. I thought reviewing Raw every week would drive me insane, this show might do it first. The guy rationalizing his crimes. Classic crappy detective show. Now we got the weird goth chick from last week. Why do none of these assholes dress like they have a fucking job? We end the show with the old guy hunting down some pedophiles professor X style. Nice.

And we start Raw with Chris Jericho! He’s come back to save us! Just kidding. He’s here to make a quick buck while he has a break on his big rock and roll tour. The crowd goes apeshit for him, but that’s because he’s the last real star they’ve seen in months. He comes out dressed like David Bowie if David Bowie’s only source of income was gift cards from Ragstock. They remind us about Fandango’s shit talking last week during the Slammy’s and we cut back to the ring. Jericho starts with a couple cheap pops, because it’s easier than connecting with people, and starts hyping up the show. Apparently he’s going to make it all about us. That’s a bad idea Chris. We’re boring as shit. That’s why we’re sitting here watching you. He thanks us for voting in the totally not rigged Slammy poll, and starts throwing insults at Fandango. This is a million times funnier than when the Rock does it. Jericho even gives us a few bars of Bohemian Rhapsody. During this segment, my mother was apparently watching Raw and texted me informing me Chris Jericho shouldn’t sing. Didn’t have the heart to tell her that he’s supposed to be a rock star, but to be fair, Mick Jagger he ain’t. Anyway, he demands that Fandango come out and return the Slammy.

Paul Heyman comes out instead, and I have never been happier with a WWE bait and switch in my life. He confesses to being a Jericho-holic and proclaims that Raw is Jericho. Of course in true Paul Heyman fashion he begins complaining that he should have been made the GM. He then insists that Jericho shouldn’t have won most extreme moment considering Paul Heyman ran ECW. This causes the crowd to chant for a company that’s been dead for thirteen years. Heyman is fantastic here promoting himself and going back and forth with Jericho. They’re both clearly enjoying themselves in this segment. Jericho claims that Paul still owes him 200 dollars. The crowd didn’t seem to get it, but that went over huge in my house. 

Heyman starts talking about how Seth Rollins failed to bring down John Cena and surprise surprise, this summons the Money in the Bank demon himself. Rollins comes out and gets in Heyman’s face, and with two heels going at it the crowd seems to be confused as to how they should react. Rollins claims he had the match won, and blames everybody under the sun for his losses including Sting (Not sure how listening to the Police made him lose a match) and Roman Reigns. It’s a good piece of mic work, and it seems to me Rollins is improving on the stick every time I see him. He finishes up by calling John Cena a coward and challenging him to a match. This brings out Super Pope Christ, and Dr. Cena does not seem happy.

Cena cuts a serious promo here, but all he is doing is belittling Seth Rollins. I’ve never been a fan of those promos. You almost lost to him Cena. If you call him a little boy, that means you almost lost to a little boy. Johnny Thuganomics then tells us what it means to be a man. He reminds us that he’s facing Brock Lesnar at the Royal Rumble, and the crowd gives no shits. Cena says he wants a rematch with Seth, but Jericho needs to ok it. Chris happily obliges in the cheesiest way possible, but then announces that the match will be in a steel cage. Rollins protests and starts trash talking Jericho, saying Chris couldn’t even beat Paul Heyman at this point. Jericho insists that he could TOTALLY beat Paul Heyman… and it looks like we’re gonna get Jericho v. Heyman. Oh happy day.

The segment itself was very good. I enjoyed most of the mic work and it did a good job of setting up a final match between Rollins and Cena that nobody asked for. We watched Cena kick his ass in what was basically a handicap match last night, do we really need to see him win again? Anyway, I would say this is probably the most entertaining opening segment in recent memory.

Back from commercial and we find out we get to vote on what sort of match Jericho and Heyman will have. The choices are No Holds Barred, Extreme Rules, and Street Fight… Now unless you are a toddler you’re probably thinking to yourself “Those are all the same match.” And you’re right. My only conclusion… WWE is now being run by toddlers. Seriously, why bother with the voting bullshit here? Just have Jericho make it a street fight. Could have been handled in five seconds in the opening segment. Now we’re going to spend the night being hounded to download the app and vote. Wow… that got ranty quick. Back to the show!

We get our first match of the evening which is Erick Rowan and Dolph Ziggler versus Big Show and Luke Harper. Ziggler is his usual awesome self, still selling the injuries from the night before, something everyone has forgotten to do for the last six months. Thanks for actually doing your job Dolph. Big Show beats the shit out of him for it though. Not worth it. Anyway we go to commercial, and this is a point I wanted to discuss. At this point we just got back from commercial five minutes ago, and now we’re going to another one in the middle of a match. It makes the show seem disjointed, and it definitely sends the message that the wrestling part isn’t important.

Back from break and Ziggler is still taking a beating. With Harper and Big Show on the other end, the match moves slowly, but unlike last night the slow pacing helps create drama in the match. Big Show wins with a KO punch on Rowan after Ziggler tackles Harper over the announce desk.

We get an announcement that we’ll be getting the Highlight Reel tonight, with special guest Rusev. That should be a fun segment that totally doesn’t offend anyone. We get a confrontation between Jericho and Fandango backstage. It’s short, but Fandango still tries to make it suck as much as possible. Luckily Jericho is there to save it and walk off screen like a boss.

Did you know that over 15 million jackass lemmings like you and me downloaded the WWE App?! Now you fucking do! Don’t you ever forget it! We get a recap of Wyatt/Ambrose from last night, and the stupid stupid stupid ending that I ranted about plenty in my random thoughts column.

We get an interview with A New Day. Are they going to do something other than clap? Actually they do a decent job in this segment. Even when Kofi goes into a weird beat poem, at least that’s something new for his fucking character. They all sort of have a stereotypical fun black guy way of speaking, but they’re all different and they make it interesting. This was the development I was looking for… sort of. We need a lot more of it before this tag team makes people actually give a damn.

Another commercial and we get the Bella mannequins against Alicia Fox and the future ex-Mrs. Dale Curtis. The match is short but tolerable. Natalya wins with the Sharpshooter on Brie. Tyson Kidd is checking on Nikki when Natalya goes to celebrate and fuck… we’re going to have to sit through this storyline, aren’t we? If I wanted this I would watch a shitty Hugh Grant movie. Wrestling is not the place for romantic comedies.

We come back from commercial and we see the Highlight Reel set. Jericho announces Rusev and Lana who come down waving the flag Americans don’t recognize. Lana grabs the mic and starts by calling Jericho’s humor juvenile. How dare she! Jericho proves her wrong by unleashing some… incredibly juvenile humor. He implies that Rusev and Lana have a thing going before trying to see how many Russian sounding euphemisms he can think of for penis. I have to be honest here, Jericho isn’t very funny in this segment, and Lana just comes off as annoying. That is, until Rusev threatens to crush Jericho like the fucking bad ass barbarian he is. Chris responds by bringing out the Ryback, who is over like big tits… God knows why. They talk some silent trash back and forth before Rusev climbs out of the ring and holds up his US title. See, they didn’t have to have a big brawl or cut any promos, and now they have an interesting set up to a match that admittedly, few will be excited about.

We get a vignette for the Ascension. I love this tag team, but talking is definitely not their thing, and the new ring gear/facepaint just makes them look like Demolition 2.0. Vignettes like this are not how you debut this tea,. Anyway, out comes A New Day smiling, dancing, and clapping like Vince seems to think all happy black people do. They will be facing Goldust and Stardust, the latter of which looking like he just came to the arena from his Insane Clown Posse audition. Stardust gets some time to be weird in a corner of the screen before the match starts.

Kofi is on commentary for this one, and it’s not painful like some wrestlers, but we fail to learn anything new. All he tells us is that they’re all about having fun… and Big E sweats a lot. They manage to have a good match with a minimal amount of action in the first half. That’s something you don’t see very often anymore. In the second half there was more action, but the focus was still on selling the story and the characters in the match, which has Goldust’s fingerprints all over it. In that way it is more entertaining than a lot of matches with four faceless luchadors throwing themselves around and having it mean nothing. It also takes less of a toll on the performer’s bodies, which I am all for. New Day wins with the Midnight Hour, which is a really cool finisher. I enjoyed this match a lot. They did a great job of doing more with less and keeping the crowd interested. The tag team roster should watch this one back a couple times this week.

We get an interview with Miz and Damien Mizdow. Miz cuts a halfway decent promo on Uso #1 that Damien Mizdow turns into an awesome promo with his spectacular miming abilities. After that we get a shot of Adam Rose and his party train backstage. He announces that they’re going to have a huge party after Raw, but the mood goes sour when no longer corporate Kane shows up and admits to being a lemon. He then says next will be a match between himself and Adam Rose. Not sure how Kane just booked a match, but apparently we’re going by 1999 WCW rules tonight.

Back from commercial, and Adam Rose comes down to the ring with his entourage. I still love this gimmick. I know it’s stupid, and I thought it would get old, but I love every second of it being on screen. The Big Ginger Machine comes down the ramp next, and this is a short pointless match. Kane’s about to chokeslam Adam Rose when the bunny interferes. He just chokeslams both of them and wins. I don’t know what they’re doing with Kane, and I don’t think they do either.

We get a recap of the opening segment, in case three hours of wrestling just happens to be too much for you and you don’t tune in until an hour in like most sane people. We get a reminder to “vote” on the stipulation for the Jericho/Heyman match, and another commercial.

Commercial note: Wow, Stephanie McMahon is actually trying to sell workout DVDs. I was hoping with all my heart and soul that that was a joke.

Back from break and WWE is nice enough to warn me that Kane versus Erick Rowan will be happening at Main Event, so I don’t make the mistake of watching it. Good looking out WWE. Jericho then struts down to the ring for his match with an unathletic old manager. Way to be a star Chris. Heyman comes down with a mic in hand, and cuts a great promo as the cowardly manager. He throws every line in the book at Jericho to get his sympathy. He even tries to repay the 200 dollars he owes him… in check form. The audience doesn’t seem to get it but again, big pop in my house.

Jericho tells him to go fuck his checkbook, let’s see what match the audience voted for. They picked a street fight… as if it matters. Heyman begs some more and does an awesome job of it, before turning a 180 and bringing out Brock Lesnar, who comes down without the WWE title. I don’t like this move. The first time we’ve seen the champion in months, he should have the belt over his shoulder, but I digress. Brock squashes the ever loving shit out of Chris Jericho, and the crowd actually starts chanting for Cena.

We get 300 replays of the squash, and the announce team does a shitty job of talking over each one. We go back to the ring where Rosa is… I can’t even call it dancing. She’s just gyrating awkwardly. Fandango comes down and they proceed to gyrate as his music plays. We get a commercial and when we come back, Fandango tries to talk. Mercifully, Roman Reigns’ music cuts him off. Reigns walks down the stairs by the audience, which is incredibly unprofessional. At this point in his career you would think he would learn to be behind the stage when it’s time for his cue.

Reigns spears Fandango so hard it sends him back to NXT, and then flashes those gorgeous eyes at the camera. Before he can say a word Big Show’s music hits. I guess this is going to be Reigns’ first feud back from injury… yippee. Show rushes the ring, but gets superman punched. He stumbles but doesn’t go down. He walks to the back while Reigns taunts to the crowd. He shouldn’t be taunting. His superman punch couldn’t even knock Big Show down. By all rights Reigns should be shitting his pants right now.

Another commercial, and Miz walks to the ring with Mizdow in tow. They do their dueling boo/cheer thing with the audience a little bit before the Uso’ music plays. They all jaw back and forth a bit before Miz and Uso #1 get set in the ring. The beginning of the match has Miz giving Jimmy Uso the run around, getting the crowd going before they even touch. This is a really good match that Mizdow steals with his miming once again. Kind of a shame such a good match was overshadowed, but I’m ok with whatever gets Damien Mizdow over. Uso #1 wins with a big splash.

Miz confronts Uso #1’s girlfriend backstage, but tells her the he is still going to help her with her music career, even though her husband beat the crap out of him. He’s even going to have her as a guest on MizTV tomorrow on Super Smackdown live. How kind of him. Weird segment in a storyline that the crowd is wholeheartedly rejecting, with the exception of Damien Sandow being around.

Next we get a Seth Rollins interview, and he does a good job of feigning being indignant about the fact that he has to wrestle in a cage tonight. He calls WWE a mad house and pimps for the Authortiy to return again. Another solid promo by Rollins. It almost makes me think about taking back the mean things I’ve said about his promo work in the past… almost.

Another commercial and it’s time for the cage match! Rollins comes down first followed by the New Stooges. Cena comes out next and he is totally hyped up. Steal Mojo Rawley’s gimmick much? Both men try escaping from the cage right away, which I like. Of course later in the match when Rollins has Cena down, he doesn’t try to escape, so take it for what you will. While both men are down, Brock Lesnar comes out. This time he has the title. He breaks into the cage and starts hitting Cena with german suplexes like it’s the only thing that’s ever going to get him laid. Once he’s done with that he hits the F-5 and looks like he’s going to go after Rollins next. Instead, Rollins shakes hands with Heyman, and they leave him to continue the match. He mocks Cena a bit before hitting the curb stomp and slowly walking out the door. The New Stooges put Rollins on their shoulders as we fade out.

So… did it suck? Nope. This was actually a really well paced show based around a couple of feuds rather than trying to shove everyone’s stuff in. Granted they have some leeway with that given that there will only be a few one on one matches at the Royal Rumble PPV. There was a good amount of action, and having Lesnar and Jericho there made it seem like a much bigger show than in week’s past.

MVP of the night: Ziggler. He killed it in the opening match, and if WWE doesn’t do something big with him soon they’re blind.

Worst part of the night: Listening to Kofi talk about Big E sweating. I very much did not need that.

That wraps it up for another edition of Did Raw Suck This Week. I will be posting another article later this week. It will be a review of Nick Offerman’s comedy special “American Ham” so keep an eye out for that. As always read and share and if you agree, disagree, just want to say hi, make sure to leave a comment.