Mind Vomit: My Random Running Thoughts on Tables, Ladders, Chairs and Stairs.

Let me get this out of the way before we even start. Changing the name of the pay per view to Tables, Ladders, Chairs and Stairs is fucking stupid. Probably gonna say it a few more times, but it needed to be said right away.

They're in Cleveland. That's how you know it's gonna suck.

Intercontinental title jerking the curtain? That's a good sign.

I love you Dolph! I don't care how threatened my fiance is by our love, we can make it work!

Dolph's hair looks like ramen.

Every time they say the name of the PPV I cringe. It's stupid. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid... and I hate it.

Seriously, Luke Harper's titantron is the laziest shit I've ever seen. Ooh look, eyes! Isn't it mysterious and strange?! We get it Tim Burton. We get it.

Luke Harper starts this match with a distinct advantage. He won't have to climb nearly as high.

Sorry about my earlier comment. I forgot Dolph was from Cleveland. So I guess they did one thing right.

Going for the ladders right away just makes sense. I know it doesn't make for great storytelling, but it's the only realistic way this match would begin.

Luke Harper's hair looks like ramen you should have thrown out months ago.

 Luke Harper's boot just looks dangerous as hell to me. If he's off, there's no pulling back.

And as always, Ziggler wrestles as if he's trying to kill himself and it just won't take.

Gotta hand it to Harper, he's definitely fighting like a big dumb hillbilly who's been given a ladder.

Harper tells Ziggler "I can try to commit suicide in the ring too!"

This is seriously giving me flashbacks to Shawn Michaels versus Razor Ramon from Wrestlemania 10.

These poor ladders.

The ladders/seesaw spot gets the award for dumbest spot since the tower of doom.

Ziggler is a great babyface in the ring, not so much on the mic.

I don't buy for a second that Ziggler might win. They're in his home town, of course he's going to lose. That's what WWE does Cuz... buy rates?

I seriously think we're going to see Dolph Ziggler die in the ring.

BAH GAWD KING! THEY LET DOLPH ZIGGLER WIN IN CLEVELAND! I can honestly say I am surprised by that one. Good call by WWE and a great match from these two that should have had a much better spot on the card.

This announce team makes me want to shit on a box of abandoned kittens.

Time for the Superfly twins to yell at us in Hawaiian! How has no samoan ever had a finisher called the Hawaiian punch?

And we get to see Mizdow! Granted we have to put up with the Miz to get him, but it's a trade off I'm willing to make.

Uso #1 must be glad he landed the talented funkadactyl.

I'm 100% positive that Damien Mizdow has no idea what a stunt double does.

They need to break up Miz and Mizdow sooner rather than later.

YES! Finally Mizdow does something a stunt double would do!

I hate DQ endings at pay per views. I really do. Save that shit for Raw. I'm paying ten bucks a month for this shit guys!

Someone seriously needs to find Seth Rollins the rest of his hair dye. He's an autumn on the left, summer on the right. It's chaos!

Stop showing the announce team. We already hate them.

And now we're getting schematics for their fucking stairs! This is... wrestling?

Awesome, stairs match! I needed to pee anyway.

Is it weird that I want to see these two just run smack into each other for three minutes straight until one of them collapses? It would be more interesting than a stairs match.

This match is seriously boring the shit out of me.

I can't even think of anything to type. That's how fucking boring this is.

Awful lot of blood on this pay per view.

The crowd sounds loud, but that's just everyone talking amongst themselves until the next interesting match starts.

Small section of the crowd tries to start an NXT chant. God bless you whoever you were.

Big Show spearing Erick Rowan through a wall of stairs got zero reaction. That should tell you something.

I don't know how many more ways I could possibly have to tell you this match is boring as fuck.

Big Show knocks Rowan out by punching him... in the ear. He then pins him with the stairs... fucking stupid.

This match was what everyone thought it was going to be. Slow, boring, and a waste of time.

 
After this show, can we forget about Survivor Series, and the countless mindless brawls that came from it? That would be swell.

They need to give Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury some personality. Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco made way better stooges.

In Russia, John Cena put table through you!

Rollins stepping on Cena's face is pretty cool. God knows he's living the dream of millions of smart marks.

This match should be way better so far.

On the plus side, Rollins seems to be finding himself as a performer

This is super overbooked. I get the point of having the security team out there, but if they don't stop interfering, it makes Seth look bad no matter what the outcome.

Of course that's probably the point. Super Cena strikes again.

Cena break out the guard rail, and shouldn't we be getting an ECW chant right about now?

You can't make it that obvious that the tables are gimmicked, and then expect us to give a shit when someone goes through them.

I do appreciate them getting rid of the new stooges early on.

Rollins flipping over the table made me mark out hard. Very cool spot.

This raises a philisophical question. If a table breaks but no ref is around to see it, does Seth Rollins still job to John Cena? The answer of course is yes. Everyone jobs to John Cena.

Oh wow, the double AA actually worked for once.

They both go through at the same time? Now the refs can't decide who won. At least they restart the match instead of calling it a fucking tie.

This brings up a question I have always wanted answered. Does the announce table count in a tables match?

Apparently it does, but only if it falls apart when they hit it. What an underwhelming answer to a life long question.

Out comes the Big Show. Right, because I enjoyed seeing him SO much the first time he was out here.

ROMAN REIGNS IS BACK! I don't care what the smart marks think! I just peed a little! SQUEEEEEE!

Roman Reigns beat Big Show in a tables match!!!... Wait.

And Cena wins. I can't hear myself think over all the audible gasping.

I don't mind the panel in the pre-show. I absolutely hate it in the middle of the show.

JERRY! It's fucking creepy when you talk about the Divas' boobs!

I'll bet ten bucks Brie v. AJ doesn't even come close to Charlotte's match at NXT Takeover.

This is terrible. They're just doing moves at this point. The Bella Twins have zero charisma. This match is so bad, instead of commenting on it, I'm going to tell you all the things I would rather do than watch this match.

Eat poo, play Superman 64, type this list, watch softcore porn but with no picture, just the sound. Watch the stairs match again, go through puberty a couple more times, drink anything with diet in the title, see Buff Bagwell's penis again, binge watch total Divas... you get the point.

I don't believe a single emotion either of the Bella twins attempt to convey. They're fucking robots.

I know people bitch about bra and panties matches, but would you REALLY rather see this?

The ref throws Brie out, and she is TOTALLY angry! #ACTING!

Rack attack... clever.

The Bella twin with the boobs wins, but we swear to God we're totally not punishing AJ for what her fry cook husband said.

Now that NXT has shown us what women can do, there is absolutely no reason to accept the shitty divas matches they throw at us on the main show. This was a waste of my time and belonged on the pre show if anywhere.

Interview with Samoan Super Jesus.

Reigns stares into the camera with his deep green eyes, and I can't tell if he's going to kill me or fuck me, but either way I'm afraid.

Next is the chairs match, which is just as fucking stupid as the stairs match.

Seriously, did ANYONE ask for this match? Ryback versus Kane doesn't even sound good on paper!

Stop chanting Feed Me More. It makes them think we like Ryback.

That chair is no longer recognizable as a chair.

This isn't a match. All this is is them finding different ways to hit each other with chairs.

The crowd is bored, but there's nothing Kane and Ryback can do about it, because they're Kane and Ryback.

The one big chair spot they had backfired, and now the crowd has completely turned on them.

Ryback wins. Even Ryback's mother doesn't care.

Rusev V. Swagger! Another match I have been desperately waiting to fast forward through.

Swagger's working the ankle. If only there were a witty, intelligent, handsome writer who could have predicted this in his Raw review last week...

There's so much filler in this ppv you'd think it was a McDonald's hamburger... I'll be here all week folks. Wakka wakka.

Rusev beats Swagger. Ryback's mom cared a little about this one, but not much.

JBL is drunk. I know I harp on that a lot in my reviews, but I have never seen a less sober announcer in my life.

I really like that Ambrose v. Wyatt is main eventing and not Cena v. Rollins.

Dammit, someone put dry ice in Bray Wyatt's lantern again. I thought the locker room had gotten past the childish pranks.

These two actually make me believe they're fighting. The polar opposite of the Divas match tonight.

The WWE booking is confused right now, and as a result so are the fans. They have no idea who to cheer or boo, and I really don't think they know how to react to not having a world title match on a PPV.

Bray getting beat with a kendo stick, and in case anyone's curious, that shit sucks.

Cole! Stop telling us how crazy Dean Ambrose is! We can see!

Laughing at Dean Ambrose during your main event. That'll put asses in the seats. Well done Cole.

Cole laughing because of how crazy Dean is does a lot to take away from the seriousness of the match. This announce team is terrible and needs to fucking go.

This is a really cool vicious brawl. Of course you wouldn't know it if you listened to the announcers. Alright, I'm harping on that too much, but it's really bad.

My one complaint is that Dean Ambrose sometimes comes off as cartoony in his attempts to seem insane.

Two big destructive table spots when we only needed one. The one upsmanship is hurting wrestling, but I'm not sure how to stop it when drunk idiots chant "one more time" at this stuff.

The crowd is actually back into it after a series of bad matches. That speaks to how good these two men are and how much they truly deserve the main event slot.

Dean Politely rips apart the Spanish announce table, which I appreciate. It's nice for a psycho to show some manners.

Neither of these men is going to enjoy going in to work tomorrow.

Oh Jesus, we did not need a gimmicky fucking electrocution.

Great match ruined by shitty shitty booking.

I love both these guys, but this really pisses me off. What a stupid fucking ending. Just another glaring example of how much better NXT is right now.

Overall it was a good show, but it had some really bad stuff in it. The stairs match, the chairs match, the divas title match, the ending of the main event, all really bad. This is not the kind of thing that makes me want to have the network, and when you compare it to NXT Takeover this week, it makes TLC look like a joke. I'm already finding Paul Heyman on the after show more entertaining than half the matches tonight. Kind of a sad waste, but the Road to Wrestlemania starts next month with the Royal Rumble, so let's hope it gets better. That's it for me tonight. Make sure to check back Tuesday when I will have my review of tomorrow's Raw. Goodnight and god speed.