Ladies and gentlemen, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t excited about doing my review this week. I love the Slammy awards. It has traditionally served as a night for WWE to let its hair down, get a little silly and have some fun. Sometimes it was good, sometimes it was god awful, but it has very rarely been boring. One man specifically comes to mind when thinking about the history of this event, and that is the late, great Owen Hart. It always seemed that when Slammy time rolled around, Owen got to truly shine. Whether he was stealing Slammys, or knocking a waitress with a tray full of drinks into a tuxedo clad Vader, Owen was the man I most associated with my memories of this event. Here is hoping that tonight’s Slammy awards do his efforts justice.
Once again I tuned in five minutes early and got the last five minutes of NCIS, so here are my running thoughts during that…
That old dude from last week brought a prostitute to a lab this time. Some weird goth chick is doing fake science while talking to the prostitute. Now the prostitute is rubbing the goth chicks shoulders. Fan service rules. Also lesbians. That old guy sure is grumpy. Now there’s some dude in an interrogation room. That cop said he’s about to retire, which means he’ll probably get shot today. It’s the gas man from Dumb and Dumber! Bringing the prostitute to the interrogation room is way unprofessional. This is nowhere near as fun as last week. SHOOT HIM IN THE THROAT! I think they’re about to arrest the gas man. Would be cooler if they just shot him. He’s taking it really well though. Very zen. If the swab comes up blue, you go back into the Matrix. IT’S BLUE! HOLY FUCK! Now shoot him! Aw, just gonna arrest him? Pussies. The extra and the prostitute walk off into the sunset together hand in hand. Weird.
We open the show with a Survivor Series recap, you know, just in case you missed it on the last three weeks of Raw and Smackdown. Looks like we’re getting Big Show versus John Cena tonight. Saw them fight at Wrestlemania 20, that was enough for me. Our first live segment starts with Jerry Lawler coming out to introduce tonight’s guest host, Seth Green. Let’s hope he makes me want to kill orphans less than previous guest hosts. Seth comes out dressed in an adorable little suit he purchased at the Munchkin land tailor. To his credit, I always enjoy seeing him on Raw. You can tell he’s a wrestling fan because he always seems to be having the time of his life when he’s there. Seth Green starts hyping up the Slammy voting, but he is interrupted by the Miz. Miz kisses up to Seth and subtly suggests that he would be great for his next film. The Miz makes Seth Green look like a toddler when they stand next to each other. This segment actually ends up being pretty funny, and Mizdow’s miming makes it that much better. Seth Green says he sees a definite star on the stage, but it’s not Miz… it’s Mizdow, and the crowd pops.
They then announce that the first award will be the “This is Awesome” moment of the year. The nominees are Occupy Raw, Stephanie McMahon getting arrested, The Authority being sent away by Brandon Lee from the Crow, and the Stone Cold/Rock/Hulk Hogan threesome at Wrestlemania 30. And that’s it. Just letting you know. Back to our crappy, half drunk announce team!
Our first match is Dolph Ziggler versus Seth Rollins. Well this should be a great match with a bullshit ending. Before the match we get a note that the Tables Ladders and Chairs PPV has been renamed Tables, Ladders, Chairs and Stairs… because why the fuck not?
We get a commercial early on in the match, and I have to take a second to note here how much more I love this straight forward style of opening segment to last weeks ridiculous, jam everyone in clusterfuck. This week we get a clean Slammy’s preview, and then right into a match. I’m not confused or mentally exhausted twenty minutes in. Granted, Ziggler/Rollins has no reason to happen here, and should probably be saved for a PPV, but I’ve grown accustom to that from WWE at this point.
As far as the match, It’s good. They made Rollins look strong early. Ziggler gets a good comeback and it looks like he’s going to win until one of the New Stooges pushes him off the top rope. Rollins hits the curb stomp for the win. Fun match with a lot of action that should have gotten a lot more time.
We cut back to the guy from Rat Race who announces that the “This is Awesome” moment of the year goes to Gene Simmons helping put an end to the Authority. Seth Rollins is a poor sport about the announcement, and shoves Seth away from the podium. He cuts a promo on Sting, showing more emotion, and a less generic style than I’m used to seeing from him. He accepts the award on behalf of Sting, and I can only hope he starts carrying it around with him Owen Hart style. JBL congratulates Seth Rollins on his fifth Slammy, as JBL takes his fifth shot of the night.
Out comes A New Day… and they’re still just black guys that clap. It’s fun, and high energy. I love all three wrestlers involved, but there is no character or purpose to them. I remember when they had their initial debut and it looked like they were gonna be a new version of the Nation of Domination. That would have been a rehashed gimmick, but at least it would have been something. They can only dance and clap for so long before no one gives a shit anymore.
Ranting aside, we get a commercial, and we come back to Stardust versus Kofi Kingston in a short match that I would have watched for twenty minutes. Kofi wins it with a high crossbody. Fun spots, great visual storytelling, and they put emotion into their performance rather than just hitting moves. This was a great, albeit abbreviated example of wrestlers being able to put on an interesting, original match while still working within the dreaded WWE style.
After the match we go to Lillian Garcia who announces our next Slammy award presenter… Johnny Ace. God dammit WWE! I was kidding last week! Anyway, the Marty Jannetty of the Dynamic Dudes is here to announce the nominees for surprise return of the year, which include Hulk Hogan, Batista, the Rock and the Ultimate Warrior. We then get a step by step lesson on how to download the WWE app, because Vince thinks we’re brain damaged Orangutans, and we go to commercial.
Back from commercial and Super Dave Osbourne tells us that the winner is the Ultimate Warrior. We get a poorly produced photo tribute, and we cut to Rollins backstage. He runs into Paul Heyman, and now I need a change of pants. Fun back and forth promo here that serves to remind us that John Cena’s #1 contendership is on the line at TLC, Seth Rollins is Mr. Money in the Bank, and Brock Lesnar still exists… no, seriously guys. He’s totally real. Heyman finishes with a pep talk for Rollins and walks away. This was brilliant, as is just about everything involving Paul Heyman.
Back to ringside, and out comes the NXT Women’s champion, Charlotte. They show a short video package that does a great job of hyping her up. She will be facing Natalya, AKA the future ex-Mrs. Dale Curtis after the break. They actually have one of the better Raw divas matches I have seen this year, though they keep it pretty short. Natty wins with a roll up, and they play up the tension between her and her husband Tyson Kidd by having him stand in front of her and hog the spotlight.
Lillian then introduces Santino, and I actually cheered out loud. As cheesey as he is, I have always loved Santino and I’ve missed him since he’s been gone. That does not mean I will be seeing Jingle all the Way 2. They could promise topless Natalya and a public beheading of Jar Jar Binks, and I would still wait for it to come out on Netflix. Anyway, Santino mugs like a champ for the camera, and tells us the nominees for the OMG moment of the year… and to tell us he watches people take showers backstage, and then stumbles to correct himself. God I love this man. Anyway, the nominees are: Seth Rollins sells out the Shield, Nikki Bella betrays Brie Bella, Brock Lesnar ending the Undertaker’s streak, and Bray Wyatt calling out John Cena with help from the creepy singing children’s choir on loan from Elm Street elementary.
Back from commercial, and we get yet another replay of Big Show’s heel turn at Survivor Series. Santino then tells us that the OMG moment of the year is Brock Lesnar breaking the streak. Ellis Mbeh approves. Paul Heyman comes out to accept on Brock’s behalf, and just continues to spew his awesome all over the arena. He gives a long winded diatribe about how Brock broke the streak. We get a sudden and odd Bray Wyatt interruption, which I am definitely not against. He delivers a creepy promo about how the chair Dean Ambrose smashed last week belonged to Sister Abigail. I like this motivation better than the “Come to the dark side” crap they’ve been doing. Don’t get me wrong, the chair thing is stupid, but at least I didn’t watch Bray do the exact same thing with Cena six months ago, and to Bray’s credit he is selling it with some very real sounding anger. We get a replay of Bray crushing Ambrose’s windpipe at Smackdown this past week, which is a cool brutal spot that makes Bray look like an absolute sadist.
Wyatt then berates the crowd for a bit before predicting his victory at the TLC and S pay per view. He is interrupted by an ambulance backing into the arena, but somehow broadcasting its sirens over the PA system. Ambrose jumps out of the back of the ambulance… which is full of smoke for some reason. He starts dragging out weapons, doing his deranged look like only he can. He rips off his neck brace and looks crazy at the top of the ramp. He carries a ladder and chair to the ring, and the weekly brawl begins. I am really tired of this with these two. It’s been overused to the point where I’ve seen them do just about everything, why would I bother paying to see it again? Bray manages to sneak away before any real damage is done, but Dean eggs him on until he rushes the ring again. This proves to be a mistake, as Wyatt eats a chair shot, and stumbles back up the ramp. Dean cuts one of his signature, ridiculous, over the top promos, and we go back to the announcers.
Maybe it’s just me, but the announce team is way less annoying without creepy Uncle Jerry there to derail everything with his shitty jokes. We go to Seth Green who introduces the aforementioned creepy uncle who announces the nominees for Diva of the year. Brie Bella, Paige, AJ, and Nikki Bella. I sure hope Alundra Blayze wins!
Another commercial, and the guy who wrestled Andy Kaufman tells us that the Diva of the year is AJ. I’m sure her husband is very proud, whoever he is. Punky Brewster accepts the award with a boring promo promising she’ll be Divas champion again. We cut to a backstage interview with John Cena, who actually cuts a serious, enjoyable promo. He puts over Seth Rollins and their match at TLC, and he makes it sound incredibly important without even having to mention his #1 contendership being on the line. Dammit Cena! Why must you make me hate you one week and love you the next?!
We go back to ringside where Erick Rowan is headed down the ramp. We find out he’ll be facing Luke Harper (another match that could have benefited from more build up) when we come back from commercial.
Is it just me, or is Luke Harper’s titantron lazy as hell? I would have gotten a D+ if I handed that in for my junior year film class. Anyway, we get a fun back and forth brawl that doesn’t last very long before Luke gets himself disqualified by hitting Rowan with a ladder. They keep fighting once the match is over, and that ends when Harper gets hit with the stairs and runs up the ramp. I love that they kept fighting after the DQ as if it never happened. It was a fun brawl, but it was yet another brawl. I’ve seen half a dozen of these in the last two weeks, and it’s just starting to look like lazy writing.
We go backstage to get a cleavage shot… I mean to see Naomi looking in a mirror. Uso #1 shows up, and they say generic cute couple stuff until she tells him she heard from the Miz’s agent. She wants to further her career, he’s paranoid and doesn’t trust Miz, it’s pretty standard, but but it’s more interesting than most of the Diva’s storylines lately. She says she’s going to Hollywood, and he says he’s going with her to keep an eye on Miz. It’s a good segment that does a nice job of giving Uso #1 some personality while furthering his feud with Miz, and even getting the talented Funkadactyl some screen time.
Back to ringside. Lillian announces that our next Slammy presenter is Adam Rose.He gives us the nominees for LOL moment of the year which include Mr. T waxing nostalgic about being spanked by his mother, the Wee-L-C match, Mizdow as Miz’s stunt double, and Vickie Guerrero throwing Stephanie McMahon into the pool of pudding.
Another commercial and Adam Rose announces that the LOL moment of the year goes to… Damien Mizdow! He goes to accept, but the Miz shoves him out of the way and steals the acceptance speech as if he won the award himself. Mizdow looks upset, but goes with it. Miz teases like he is actually going to thank Mizdow, but thanks his own face instead. This is great stuff. When they finally pull the trigger and have Mizdow turn on the Miz, the crowd is going to lose their minds.
Lana and Rusev come out next. Lana cuts a promo insisting that the LOL moment of the year should be Barack Obama. Great way to get heel heat, insult someone half the country already hates. She insults Jack Swagger and then poses, waiting for his music to hit. It does… about five seconds late. Swagger comes out and cuts a lispy promo vowing revenge on Rusev for injuring his manager, and we get another brawl. At one point Swagger slams Rusev ankle first on the barricade. This injures his ankle, and gives us the set up for their match at TLC. Rusev sells the ankle like a shotgun blast as the refs hold Swagger back and Jack tries to get at Rusev like he murdered his whole family. They do a good job of giving this brawl its own feel, but it’s yet another brawl.
Another commercial and we come back to the Superfly twins and the Ryback versus No Longer Corporate Kane, Miz and Mizdow. Good back and forth action in this match. There was a fun bit where Mizdow actually got in the ring to do his stunt double schtick. It was weird but still a lot of fun, and the crowd loved it. The match ends when Ryback hits Miz with the Shell Shock for the pin. Good match with decent interplay between everyone involved. Could have gotten a little more time, but it was good for what it was. After the match Seth Green gets into the ring and the Usos put him on their shoulders.
Next we get a recap of the very first Slammy awards in 1986. It is truly amazing to see how little has changed. I think they’re even using the same podium. Lillian then introduces Ricky the Dragon Steamboat to give us the nominees for match of the year. He speaks a little bit about what match of the year means, and does a good job of making it seem important. The nominees are Daniel Bryan v. Batista v. Orton at WM 30, Cena v. Wyatt at Payback, The Shield v. Evolution at Extreme Rules, and Team Cean v. Team Authority at Survivor Series, the match so good WWE hasn’t talked about anything else for three weeks. AJ comes skipping down the ramp, Slammy in hand as we cut to commercial.
When we come back, Steamboat tells us that the match of the year is the Survivor Series match. This is utter bullshit, but totally predictable. I’ll let it pass because it gets us some much needed Dolph Ziggler time. He comes out to accept and gives a sincere speech thanking the fans for sticking with him. Back to the ring and we get AJ versus Summer Rae. They put on a better match than I expected out of them, but it’s really short. I can’t help but feel like you could have cut this match and given the time to Natalya/Charlotte. Either way, Summer Rae taps to the Black Widow and Lillian introduces Rob Van Dam. (So that’s why the ambulance was full of smoke.) He gives us the nominees for most extreme moment: Brock Lesnar (apparently he’s a moment), Kane attacking Daniel Bryan after his title win, Jericho jumping off the cage onto Bray Wyatt, and Seth Rollins stomping Dean Ambrose’s head into the “cinderblocks”. Of course each moment is just listed by the main player’s name, so I’m left wondering if WWE knows what the word moment means.
Back from commercial, and Bongy McSommersault tells us that Chris Jericho wins. He’s busy being a big rock star, so for some reason Fandango comes out to accept for him. He cuts a short, but strange promo and heads to the back. Then we get Mick Foley dressed as Santa shamelessly pimping more WWE merchandise, and I still love it.
We get yet another recap of Big Show’s heel turn at Survivor Series. Jesus, WWE must think we all have short term memory loss. If we do, they caused it. Having to see Vince McMahon’s ass as many times as I have can only cause harm. We get a backstage interview with Big Show, and it may have been good. It may have been bad. I don’t know because I absolutely can not get myself excited about Big Show’s millionth heel turn. He does a good job of hyping his match with Cena, but does anyone really give a shit?
Back from commercial and we get Booker T to present the Superstar of the year award. The nominees are Dean Ambrose, Daniel Bryan, Roman Reigns, Bray Wyatt, and John Cena. And the winner is… Roman Reigns. Not Surprised, people loved him as Khal Drogo on Game of Thrones. He gives us a short but sweet speech hyping up his eventual return. Now it’s time for John Cena versus the Big Show. The match is starting at ten o’clock, so I assume these two aren’t fighting to a time limit draw. Of course before the match starts we get, and I am not making this up, another replay of Big Show’s heel turn. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised to see them play the clip in the middle of the match just in case we forgot part way through.
We get five minutes of painfully slow Big Show offense before Pope John Cena starts his comeback. He wears Show down with one of the worst sleeper hold I have ever seen before setting up the five moves of doom. He hits the super impressive attitude adjustment on the 500 pound Big Show, which we totally haven’t seen a hundred times, and pins him. Rollins and the New Stooges attack Cena until Ziggler runs down to make the save. He teams up with Cena to fight off the Stooges, but Big Show comes back to life and knocks them both out. Erick Rowan then comes running down, but Harper cuts him off and FUCK! I have now seen this segment three times in two weeks! You know how it goes by now. Rowan gets chokeslammed, Ryback comes out. He takes out Harper and sets up a table, but out comes Kane to stop him from putting anyone through it. Eventually Harper puts Ziggler through it, and this is a ridiculous clusterfuck that I can’t believe I’m typing out. It ends with the New Stooges helping Rollins powerbomb Cena through the announce table.
So did it suck?: No, in fact I really enjoyed this show. Don’t get me wrong, it had a lot of issues, but it was entertaining and it furthered feuds in a much more cohesive way than last week. On the negative side… like I said I’m getting tired of the constant brawling. I could have done with a lot less of that. There was a fair amount of wrestling, but I feel like some things could have been cut for the sake of longer matches. As far as the Slammy awards go, I wish we could have gotten less moments and maybe moved the tag team of the year and NXT wrestler of the year to the main show. Other than that the guest stars ranged from really good to tolerable, there was a good amount of action and it didn’t devolve into the goofiness we’ve seen in years past. Overall I give it a thumbs up, and I am excited or at least half the matches at TLC, so that’s something.
MVP of the show: Damien Mizdow with a bullet. He plays his part perfectly and the audience is really into him.
Worst part of the show: The constant replaying of Big Show’s heel turn. I don’t mind it once or twice, but they showed the exact same clip four times, not to mention the match it was during got match of the year.
Alright guys, this Sunday I will be doing something for TLC, but it’s not going to be a cohesive blog. It’s likely going to be a stream of consciousness style display of my random thoughts while watching the pay per view, so keep an eye out for that, and enjoy your week.
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