Welcome back to another episode of “Did Raw Suck This Week?” I regret to inform my readers that I am unable to give you my random running thoughts during the last five minute of NCIS because in all of their infinite wisdom, USA decided to air Jingle All The Way 2 instead. I know some of you are thinking “That’s awesome! You can rant about the last five minutes of THAT!” and to that I say, go fuck yourself. I mean, I don’t mind torturing myself by watching Raw for you, but under no circumstances will I watch Jingle All The Way 2. From what I understand, they couldn’t even get Dick Cheney to condone using this movie on prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. I guess he does have a conscience.
We open with a shot of the set, and it looks like Santa had an incredibly violent orgasm all over the stage. They open the show by pushing Christmas harder than they’re pushing Roman Reigns. The announcers inform us that tonight we will see Dean Ambrose and Bray Wyatt in a… *sigh* Miracle on 34th street fight… kill me.
First person out to the ring tonight is Hulk Hogan. My apologies. It’s not Hulk Hogan. It’s Ho-Ho-Hogan… I reiterate, kill me. Ho-Ho-Hogan tells us that he’s here to spread Christmas cheer all over our faces. That’s right Hulkster, treat me like Bubba the Love Sponge’s wife. I guess he’s here to give out presents or something. I don’t know. I have to be honest, it’s only four minutes in and I’m already about to check out. Hulk runs down the matches we were JUST told we’re going to see, and is then interrupted by John Cena. I don’t often say this, but thank god for Super Cena.
Of course John is busy laughing and smiling as if his job doesn’t involve beating other men half to death on a weekly basis. Super Pope Christ sings us a few lines from Frozen, and it’s dead. It is officially dead. Knock it off. I swear to Santa Christ, if I have to hear one more parody of Let It Go I will stab a bag of puppies and throw it in the Mississippi river! Anyway, we get a replay of Brock Lesnar obliterating Cena last week, and then Rollins picking up his sloppy seconds. After the clip the crowd argues with themselves about whether or not they want Lesnar. Cena says he wants Lesnar. He wants to kick Lesnar’s teeth down his throat. Good luck Johnny! Tonight isn’t one of Brock’s contractually obligated appearances, so HA!
Cena gets serious, but still throws Christmas references into the promo, making it a mess that is more confusing than entertaining. What we get is Cena demanding that he get a match with Seth Rollins. Awesome! I totally didn’t just see that match last week! Rollins comes out to interrupts, and I would thank God for Rollins but I’m 0-1 doing that so far. He stands on the stage with the New Stooges behind him and cuts a promo on Cena. I think someone lit a fire under Seth’s ass because these last two weeks his mic work has been heads and tails above his previous stuff. I guess Rollins’ promos are one less thing about Raw that I get to mock relentlessly. The list is still really fucking long.
Rollins does a good job of putting over Cena, and then telling him that his time is up. Seth claims to be the new future, which makes Cena the… the past future… I don’t know. The crowd chants “you sold out” because my fellow Minnesotans are very easily upset. Seth informs us that Ho-Ho-Hogan is running things tonight, and for once I agree with Seth. I would actually rather have the fucking Authority back than deal with this. Both men are forced to put Christmas references and puns into their serious promos, and it’s so out of place and awkward that it ruins any mood they might have created. Seth talks about Sting some more, and I really don’t like how much they’re mentioning Sting. It leads me to believe they’re setting up a match for him… which would be horrific. We don’t deserve that sort of treatment Vince, we just don’t! Seth asks Ho-Ho-Hogan to Force Cena to bring back the Authority, and I couldn’t be more tired of this story line. Cena yells at Rollins a bit, still using Christmas cliches, but he says the ass word so the crowd pops.
Hogan suddenly remembers where he is, and starts talking. He announces that Seth Rollins will be facing John Cena in the first match. See, even WWE knows nobody cares about this match. It’s jerking the curtain! Hogan hits his catchphrases, Cena puts on a Santa hat, and we head off into commercial land, where I would honestly rather spend the next three hours. This opening segment was absolutely atrocious. It could have been good if they went out and cut normal, serious promos, but they had to throw in the stupid, forced Christmas references the writers came up with, and it just ruined the whole thing. I get that it’s a Christmas episode, but either take it seriously or don’t. When you sit on the fence like this, all you do is leave me confused and pissed off.
The match between Cena and Rollins is poorly paced and seems choreographed. There’s no emotion or interesting story telling at all. They’re very clearly just going through the motions so they can get to the airport and go home to their families. I can’t really blame them, but at least pretend you’re trying. Later on they get a few interesting combinations in, and they kind of save it towards the end, but I have to agree with the easily entertained crowd. That was not, in fact, awesome. Even when it got good, it didn’t feel like they could click into any sort of rhythm, and they didn’t seem to care. Note to the live crowd: near fall after near fall followed by Cena hitting the AA on the New Stooges is not the same thing as drama. Cena wins clean with The AA to Rollins, which might actually be the worst part of this match. The last person who needs a win right now is Cena. Rollins should have won this one again, just for the sake of his legitimacy as a wrestler. Before the break, the announcers tell us that WWE is going to once again be stupid enough to give Rowdy Roddy Piper a live microphone. This should be fun,
We come back to Jack Swagger v. Fandango. It’s short, pointless, boring and for some reason Fandango wins. No shits were given. We get a backstage promo from Dolph Ziggler, who is a terrible babyface. He gives us a boring, white meat speech that motivates no one to care. He does it well, but the things they’ve scripted for him to say are so wishy washy and inoffensive, it’s like they have no idea who the Dolph Ziggler character is supposed to be.
We get a vignette for A New Day, though I couldn’t tell you why. They debuted weeks ago. They’re preaching in front of a choir. Y’know, like black guys do! It’s not awful, but it’s the same shit I’ve been seeing from them for months. I know nothing new about the team. Back live and Adam Rose is on his way to the ring with the Erotic Express or whatever he calls it. The bunny is in a neck brace after being tombstoned last week, and that’s actually kind of funny. Well done WWE. You managed to get a slight reaction out of me 50 minutes into the show. Be proud. Rose is fighting R-Truth, who I could have sworn was working at Home Depot with Shane Douglas by now. The match is over faster than I can type that joke. R-Truth rolls Adam Rose up for the pin. After the match the bunny tries to console Adam Rose, but it doesn’t seem to work. He attacks the bunny (fucking finally) as his bisexual ho-train looks on in horror. Adam Rose tries his best to sell this angle, but the crowd couldn’t care less. Adam walks up the ramp, and mercifully the first hour of Raw is over.
We come back from commercial to see Big Show on his way to the ring… and it’s snowing for some reason. IS GLACIER COMING BACK?! If that happens I will mark out and never question WWE again. Apparently Big Show has a present for Roman Reigns, and according to him it’s not a stocking stuffer, it’s a face stuffer. Dear Vince, fire your entire fucking writing staff!
Big Show and Reigns have a match, if you can call it that. It’s slow, plodding, and ends when Big Show gets counted out. Way to make your hot new babyface look strong guys. This was disjointed and weird and pointless. We go backstage where Dean Ambrose is looking about as bat shit crazy as usual. He cuts a Christmas promo which doesn’t seem so out of place for him, but that’s because he’s supposed to be clinically insane. The things he says aren’t supposed to make sense. The promo is still poorly written, but the way he delivers it gets the segment a solid C+.
Back from another commercial, and out comes Brie Bella. Goody! This should totally turn the show around… he said as sarcastically as humanly possible. She’s going to be fighting my future ex-wife, Natalya. This match is actually the best one of the show so far. It’s hard hitting, well paced, has some innovative sequences, and does a good job of showcasing Brie’s new heel attitude. Not to mention Natty gets the win and ends up looking like a complete bad ass, which is always a plus in my book.
Up next is a vignette for the Ascension. I know I complained about this last week, but this is awful. It’s dimestore L.O.D., everyone knows it, and it’s terrible. After that we get a match with the Dust brothers, Gold and Star, fighting the matadores. Their little bull mascot is wearing reindeer antlers… seriously kill me. The match has some good spots, but the midget gets involved and actually gets the pin, which ruins the whole thing.
Next is a backstage promo from Luke Harper. He talks about how he doesn’t like to give. He likes to take. He then says he’s going to hurt Dolph Ziggler and take the Intercontinental title. Luke is awful on the mic. He needs a manager yesterday. We cut to commercial, and I can not believe we’re only half way through the show. It feels like I’ve been here for four hours. Not a good sign, but they still have time to turn it around.
Next match is Ziggler v. Harper, and they decide to skip right to the middle of the match. You know, the part where Ziggler is getting the shit beaten out of him and selling like he’s been stabbed several hundred times.
Commercial note: these anti-smoking commercials make me badly want a cigarette, and I haven’t had one since August.
We come back from commercial, and Harper is still tossing Ziggler around like a corpse. Has WWE just decided that it doesn’t want any of its babyfaces getting over? Ziggler makes Harper’s offense look good, but I have a feeling he’s one of the few who can do that. Somewhere in the middle of the match Harper no sells a superkick… because getting kicked in the fucking jaw doesn’t phase hillbillies I guess. Towards the end they have a couple cool spots and Ziggler wins clean. Good match with an odd story that ended up coming off as just ok. Post match interview with Ziggler thanking the fans, and I’m over it. It’s pandering and stupid now, and it’s going to kill any momentum he has. They definitely need new writers for Dolph. Before our next commercial break, we get an announcement that the Roddy Piper live mic challenge is coming up next.
I have to say that Piper is looking really good considering how bad he has looked in the past. He also seems more articulate and with it than in past years. It almost felt like the Roddy Piper of old was back for a few minutes. He introduces Lana and Drago Rusev. The rash having Russian interrupts him. She says that American Christmas is a joke. That it’s the one time of year we pretend to be good, that we use it to turn our kids into greedy little consumption addicts, and she’s actually making a lot of good points here. Piper interrupts her and spouts off some rah rah America bullshit, even though he’s a Canadian pretending to be Scottish. She interrupts him back, and brings up the clip of Rusev annihilating the Ryback on Smackdown last week. Rusev then grabs the mic, and he is a far more convincing broken english speaking monster heel than most of the hundreds we’ve had to put up with. He threatens Piper who tries to convince him that we can all share some Christmas joy. Piper says he even got Rusev a gift. How thoughtful of him.
The present is Ryback wearing a bow, and that’s not thoughtful at all! Bad Piper! I’m not making that up by the way. Ryback comes out wearing a big fucking red bow. They brawl and there’s a little back and forth before Ryback gets the upper hand and goes for the meathook. Rusev dives out of the ring, and the crowd boos him for not letting Ryback take his head off. Piper raises Ryback’s arm and we get a cheap pop moment to further the feud nobody ever wanted.
We go to a shot of the announcers, and Jesus Christ it’s even more unbearable when I can see them. At least when a match is going on I can try to ignore their drunken ramblings. They recap the opening segment… and that’s it.
Commercial note: How many times can Liam Neesan deal with this shit before he just says fuck it, and lets the bad guys have his sister in law or dry cleaner or whoever it is they decided to kidnap this time?
Back from commercial and we get… a Santa’s little helper six diva tag match. Remember what I said about them having time to turn the show around? Yeah that’s done. I would run down the list of competitors, but let’s be honest, you don’t care and it would take longer than this match is going to last. The Minnesota crowd is really into Paige, because she’s got the pale white skin we’re used to up here. Women with tans look alien to us. We don’t trust it.
The match is passable, but way too short to have needed all six of those divas. The one real shining point was Naomi, AKA the talented Funkadactyl. Obvious filler match… like half the matches on the show tonight have been.
Another Ascension promo happens. So not only are they mishandling them, they’re over exposing the, before they ever get on TV. Well done WWE. Well done. Back to the ring and out comes the Miz with Damien Mizdow. Short in the box promo where Mizdow almost gets to sing a solo, but Miz cuts him off… meh. Needed more Mizdow. Anyway, it looks like Miz is going to be fighting Uso #2 this time. It’s another solid match that gets overshadowed by Damien Sandow’s flawless miming technique.
It looks like Miz is finding his stride again just as Mizdow is finally gaining some momentum with the fans. If they don’t wait too long to pop the cork on this feud, the crowd should lose their shit when it happens. That’s one giant “if”. Miz wins with a roll-up and a handful of tights. Either Mizdow is doing a very good job of subtly playing a guy who’s getting tired of the Miz, or he’s actually tired of this angle and wants them to pull the trigger as bad as I do.
I guess Edge and Christian will be hosting Raw next week, and I can not impress upon you enough how much I would rather be reviewing that episode right now. It’s time for the main event though, a Miracle on 34th street fight. I honestly can not get over how stupid that name is. I also can’t get over the fact that we’re getting Ambrose v. Wyatt again. I know we’ve had it on a few pay per views, but that’s exactly where this match should be.Not on some Christmas themed Raw five weeks before the Rumble.
Bray comes down, and someone put dry ice in his lantern again. Not cool guys. He cuts his own Christmas promo, and it’s good but that’s because he underplays the stupid theme and just cuts a solid Bray Wyatt promo. He talks about how happiness is an illusion and the real world, his world is made of pain and sorrow. He promises to bring that world to Dean Ambrose, which surprise surprise brings out Captain Crazypants himself.
There are Christmas presents outside the ring, and I can only assume they’re full of weapons… which is stupid. If I want a weapon, why would I risk opening some random box? Why wouldn’t I just go under the ring? Ah well, at this point I’m just nitpicking over lightsabers. Commercial break time!
This match is a solid example of two supposedly crazy men beating the crap out of each other. Ambrose proves my nitpicking correct at one point by pulling a table out from under the ring… wrapped in a big fucking bow. Jesus Christ. There are a few fun hardcore spots in the match, and there are some stupid Christ,as based spots, but the story is solid, both characters get over, and there’s emotion to it. It was an entertaining match, but at the same time cheesey an unnecessary. I liked it for what it was, but it didn’t need to be. If it weren’t for all the stupid Christmas bullshit, I might say this is their best match so far. It ends when Bray runs Dean into the edge of a Kendo stick and pins him. After the match Dean surprises Bray with a fire extinguisher and a big table spot. Merry Christmas Bray! We get a recap of everything that just happened, and we fade out with a shot of the two men lying among the wreckage.
So, did it suck? Yeah, pretty much. There were a good number of matches, but a lot of them were pointless and way too short. We got some decent promos, but with all the forced Christmas cliches thrown in, it ruined whatever chance they had. That was my main problem with this show. You have two choices. You either do a serious show, or you do a fun, goofy Christmas show. This year WWE tried to have it both ways and failed miserably. This was not a good start for the build up to the Royal Rumble.
MVP: Wyatt and Ambrose by a mile and a half.
Worst part of the show: Christmas.
Well that’s it for this week folks. Tune in to next week’s review, which should be totally reeking of awesomeness.
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