Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to another edition of “Did Raw Suck This Week?” Unlike last week, when we were promised a show of holiday cheer and got awkward Christmas puns forced into promos, this week we are promised a night totally reeking of awesomeness… minus what might be a heartbreaking retirement speech. Whatever the case, this episode of Raw certainly promises to be eventful. Let’s see if it lives up to the promise, or like a prom night affair, falls flat in a few minutes and leads to shame tears.
We begin with Edge and Christian coming to the ring, and the crowd goes apeshit. Why not? I know I am. Christian, in his member’s only jacket, gets scared by Edge’s pyro, and it is official. this Raw has already entertained me more than last week’s. Edge is wearing a Sammy Zayn shirt, which is pretty awesome of him to do. The team argues over whether we’re going to see the Peep show or The Cutting Edge tonight. They do a bit of comedy back and forth and I am loving every second of it. They eventually settle on doing the first ever Cutting Edge Peep Show, and the first guest will be Seth Rollins. The crowd boos much louder for Seth Rollins here than I’m used to hearing. That’s a promising sign.
Christian says that the first match tonight will be Rusev versus Ziggler and they will both be completely naked! Thankfully he strikes that last part (Though my fiance certainly wouldn’t have protested) and teases the Daniel Bryan appearance. The pop for Daniel Bryan is much louder than even Edge and Christian got. The wrestling world loves Daniel Bryan right now, and if Vince doesn’t capitalize the board members should actually ask them to step down, as their fictional counterparts have done roughly fifteen times now. Edge and Christian then say they’re going to do a five second pose, but it is interrupted by the music you know so well. It’s the conqueror, the streak breaker, the eater of men! Wait, that last one doesn’t sound right… anyway, it’s Brock mothafuckin’ Lesnar! The crowd isn’t happy, but Brock don’t give no shits. He slowly walks to the ring, the WWE belt held hostage over his shoulder. I like that Brock never seems to be in a hurry to beat anyone up. Its’ like he always knows the ass will be there to kick whenever he gets to the ring.
Paul Heyman grabs a mic and does his thing, and if you’ve been reading these articles at all, you’ll know exactly how I feel about it. Heyman is gold here. He rubs E&C’s injuries in their faces, asking why two broken down ex-stars like themselves would be willing to swim in the water with the walking Sharktopus that is Brock Lesnar. Heyman says Cena’s name, and Cena has more heat from the crowd than any heel mentioned so far. That didn’t sound like even close to a mixed reaction to me. The Cena God King comes out as if summoned, and the crowd boos even louder.
The two anabolic titans stare each other down, and some “let’s go Cena” chants actually break through. Cena cuts a serious Cena promo, and I feel like I have to take a second out of my day to address something. As you know I have a tendency to give Cena crap for his goofy promo style. That’s because I hate it. He’s not funny and it’s not charming, especially not from a man his age. However, as much as I hate that Cena, I absolutely love him when he gets serious. There are few people in the business today that cut a better serious promo than John Cena. He does it here Incredibly well and grabs Paul Heyman. This draws in Brock, which Jerry Lawler hints was Cenas diabolical plan all along! Cena lifts Brock for the AA, but he gets out and dives out of the ring with Paul Heyman. Paul has to beg Brock not to get back in the ring, and eventually they walk back up the ramp. One hell of an opening segment. It helps that the champ could actually show up, but it seemed like the writers were trying for once.
After the break we get Ziggler versus Rusev. This week Ziggler manages to get in some offense before Rusev starts kicking the shit out of him. I kid, I kid. It ends up being a pretty good back and forth match that does a lot to make both men look strong as we go into a mid-match commercial… which I hate.
Commercial note: Is the point of a Reese’s commercial to make me want to fuck a Reese’s?… because I kind of want to fuck a Reese’s.
Back from break and Rusev is firmly in control. Maybe it’s just me, but Dolph doesn’t seem to be bumping like a mad man this week? That’s perfectly fine by me. I would rather not see him in a wheelchair at the age of fifty. He mounts a comeback and takes the fight to Rusev more than I’ve seen almost anyone else do lately. The match ends when Rusev won’t stop stomping him in the corner and gets a DQ. This was a very good match between two men who seem to have a lot of charisma. I understand the ending, because being a champion versus champion match you really don’t want to have a loser, so well done.
After the match Rusev wraps Ziggler up in the ropes, and puts him in the Accolade. The refs drag Rusev off of him, and Ryback comes out. Holy crap! They’ve found a crowd that actually likes Ryback! Rusev gets the meathook and retreats as Ryback begs for some food. Would someone point him toward a Subway or something?
We get a shot of the announcers, which only serves to remind me that they exist. Stupid move on WWE’s part. They plug a rivalries special on the network, as well as an encore presentation of the HOF ceremony and Wrestlemania 30. I know they have to do it, but there’s a way to do it without looking like tools, and they obviously have no clue what that way is.
We come back from commercial, and Ryback is still in the ring, and god dammit! Who gave Ryback a microphone! Have them fired immediately! Ryback talks about how he got his start in WWE with the Tough Enough competition, and he gives us a clip from that. For those who are too young, or weren’t watching when Tough Enough was on, it was like NXT, but shitty. Ryback then tells us he got fired and went into a deep depression, not even talking to his family because he was ashamed. He then plugs the Secret for some fucking reason, and we get a clip from when he was with the Nexus.
He then talks about breaking his ankle in three places and shows us the scar. I have to say this seems like a real story, and the crowd starts to get into it once he shows them the scar. We then get a clip montage of his life as Ryback, which serves to make him look like a pretty convincing bad ass. Finally he gets to the point of all this, and starts talking about Rusev. He says this isn’t about nationality, it’s about one big guy kicking another big guy’s ass. He ends on his catchphrase and the crowd chants with gusto. Ryback did a great job of selling the match toward the end of his promo, but the early bit about his life went on way too long and could have been saved for a different segment.
Back from commercial, and the Bella Mannequins are on their way to the ring. My sun and stars, Natalya is already in with her schmuck of a husband that she should totally leave for me. The match isn’t very long. At one point Natty knocks Nikki Bella off the apron and Tyson catches her, and Natalya is none too happy. That’s right! Leave his ass! I’ll be here to talk when you’re ready. Nikki uses the distraction to her advantage and hits the rack attack for the win. The Bella with boobs poses with the belt, and we get a replay of the match.
Next shot is of the Miz and Damien Mizdow backstage fondling the tag titles inappropriately. The talented Funkadactyl thanks Miz for helping with her music career. Sandow is excused hilariously, and the two prattle on about some bullshit music project. We fade out and time was wasted.
Back, and we get the flying Uso twins, ready for their tag title shot. They’re dancing down to the ring, and they better be careful. That’s A New Day’s gimmick, and it’s their only one. Miz and Mizdow come out next with the tag titles. I love that Mizdow has toy titles and a toy Slammy. The crowd doesn’t seem to care about Miz, but they love them some Damien Mizdow.
The match is decent, but I’ve seen combinations of these four too many times at this point to accept just a decent match for the belts. It doesn’t help that the crowd doesn’t give a shit about anyone but Mizdow. Miz staying in the whole match and not tagging in Damien, while I understand the story behind it, makes for a boring tag match. Uso #1 takes out Miz and pins him to win the titles.
Creepy Uncle Jerry gets in the ring to interview the Superfly brothers. They give a fun babyface promo here, and the crowd gives them a decent reaction, but definitely not the reaction this team should be getting. Afterword the announcers tease Daniel Bryan retiring. If he’s not retiring, this is tasteless and makes me feel quite uncomfortable. If he is retiring, why foreshadow? Either way this is a dumb move. They then scoot right along to talking about a later match. They show a video of the Shield’s run at the top, as well as Seth Rollins’ betrayal. It does a good job of making Rollins look like an actual wrestler, and not some dude Triple H likes. On a side note, does anybody in the world believe that those are real cinderblocks they’re using?
We get a commercial, and when we come back Cesaro is sitting in the ring with a mic in his hand. He opines about how 2014 should have been his year. He won the Andre the Giant memorial battle Royal at the last Wrestlemania, but now WWE is telling him he doesn’t connect. He says he doesn’t care about connecting with us, which is sad. I can be a really good friend. He says he doesn’t care about fancy elaborate entrances, all he cares about is guitar… I mean wrestling. He then issues an open challenge, which is answered far too quickly by Wade Barrett. Almost as if he were just waiting backstage to come out for an open challenge. Odd.
Barrett says he’s going to break Cesaro’s shiny head open with a bull hammer… and that seems sort of gruesome to be saying on a PG show. We get a good hard hitting match from these two that was way too short. Seems to me you could have cut a few minutes off the tag title match and given it to this. The crowd seemed into it too. Very well done by both competitors for what little time they were given.
Next we get a Luke Harper promo. He tries to be Bray Wyatt, but it doesn’t work. He just sounds like angry Forrest Gump. It’s mercifully short, and we go to commercial.
A vignette airs for the Ascension, and it does nothing to dispel the LOD comparisons. I very much hate what they are doing to this talented tag team.
Jack Swagger comes to the ring, and his face definitely doesn’t have the look of a man who’s about to receive a monster push. He’ll be fighting Luke Harper. Strap in kids, I have a feeling this one is going to be ugly. Oh look, I was right. It’s slow, plodding, and the crowd is not interested. I don’t say this often, but that god we’re getting a mid-match commercial.
We come back and they don’t seem to be interested in doing anything to bring the crowd back into this match. It’s almost like WWE told them to go out and give the audience a chance to grab concessions and merchandise. Harper ends up winning, but let’s be honest, you didn’t really give a shit. We get a replay of the Cena/Brock confrontation from earlier, followed by a shot of Cena backstage joking with Edge and Christian about the days when Johnny boy and Edge used to try and beat each other’s brains out. Sadly Christian and Cena have no memories, so he shares one about Edge that brings up old beef. There’s a sincere moment where Cena thanks Edge for everything they did together. Very nice.
Back to the ring, and roman Reigns is making his way through the crowd. I don’t understand why he wears a shirt. If I looked like him I wouldn’t even wear a shirt to church. Big Show comes down and has himself a seat at the announcer’s table, which should make the commentary slightly less… make-me-wanna-stab-a-baby-ish. Rollins comes down next, and he also wears a shirt, which is also stupid. The man is cut like Odysseus. At least he’s smart enough to remove his. Reigns is like a fat kid at the pool. Does he have a Malcolm X tattoo or something? (Shout out to MVP)
Rollins and Reigns have a great back and forth match with some innovative spots that only serves to further my point that this match should have been given more build and a pay per view spot. The match makes both men look good, which is something Rollins desperately needed. It goes to show that both men definitely have a shot at being the true future of the WWE. The match ends when Big Show pulls Reigns out of the ring and attacks him. He tosses the announce table on top of him, and the crowd boos mightily. For a schmozz finish (and the second one of the night at that) it’s well done, and it follows a satisfying match. The announcers are selling it like Roman Reigns is going to need to have his leg amputated as we fade to commercial.
Commercial note: I will not be seeing the Wedding Ringer, and if you’re a good person you won’t either.
Back from break and we get more of Roman Reigns being dead. We cut backstage to Rollins congratulating Big Show. He then says he’s going to invite John Cena to appear on the Cutting Edge Peep Show later tonight. Another shot of the announcers surveying the wreckage of their table as if it were 9/11. We hop in the wayback machine and go all the way back to Hell in a Cell for a recap of the Wyatt/Ambrose feud. The WWE editing team is full of geniuses. They know how to hype a feud and build a character seemingly better than anyone else at Titan Towers. (Do they still call it that? Nevermind, I don’t give a shit.)
Back live, and they announce an ambulance match between Dean Ambrose and Bray Wyatt. If I didn’t love both of these guys, I wouldn’t care even a little at this point. I’ve seen them fight so many times that even I don’t want to see it again, no matter how awesome it’s going to be. I’m just hoping this ends up being the blow off match. Bray Wyatt cuts a promo from inside of an ambulance, and he does a fantastic job of hyping the match. He sort of cuts through the bullshit and makes it about two crazy guys trying to kill each other (finally). We then cut to Daniel Bryan saying hi to people backstage as they hype his upcoming announcement.
Back from break, and we get an ad for Main event tomorrow, which will be Santino’s New Year’s party. Weird segue into Daniel Bryan’s possible retirement. The crowd loses their minds for the goat faced wonder as he does the Yes dance down the ramp. He says it’s always an honor to be in a WWE ring. He reminisces a bit about main eventing Wrestlemania, and thanks the fans for sticking with him. He then starts talking about his father passing away, and dealing with his neck injury and he starts to tear up pretty bad at one point. He talks about all the pain, both physical, and the emotional pain of not being able to come out and perform. He says he has come to a decision, which is that his career is not over, and the crowd loses it again. He also announces that he is going to participate in the Royal Rumble. He had me scared for a minute there. Fuck anyone who says Daniel Bryan can’t act.
The crowd chants “Yes” as we cut to backstage where Edge and Christian are composing music with a kazoo. They play a song for Miz, but he’s rude and doesn’t let them finish. Edge brings out a puppet and says it’s his stunt double. This doesn’t make Miz very happy. Doc Hollywood came to demand a rematch for the tag titles. Edge and his stunt puppet give them the match… except it isn’t for the titles… or with the Uso’s… and it’s next. So nothing Miz wanted. I love Edge.
We get an announcement that there will be a second Cutting Edge Peep Show this week on Smackdown with Wyatt and Ambrose as the special guests. Miz and Mizdow are in the ring, waiting for their mystery opponent. Turns out it’s the Ascension. I hate the shoulderpads and the facepaint, but I absolutely love these guys. Miz tags Midow in right away, and they immediately go to work on him. Good short squash match that makes the Ascension look super strong, and gives Miz and Mizdow a reason to finally split up.
Cut to backstage where Seth Rollins is being interviewed by Renee Young (my second choice behind Natalya). Seth extends a second invitation to the Cutting Edge Peep Show, and this one is to Brock Lesnar. Has Rollins recently gone off his meds? Commercial break, and up next is the new Edge and Christian hybrid talk show.
The set is great. It has arrows for where Edge and Christian are supposed to stand individually. They welcome us to the first ever edition of this confusingly named talk show. They’re hilarious about introducing Seth Rollins. I especially liked the “General Zod 2000” nickname. Rollins comes out with the New Stooges behind him and takes a seat. He certainly seems hell bent on having fun with this segment. He sucks up to Edge and Christian like crazy, even calling them his heroes. The banter between the three is a lot of fun, and shows another side of Seth’s personality. He goes over his many accomplishments, and asks who’s had a better year than him. Edge and Christian have a lot of answer to that question.
Seth talks more about how he’s sad the Authority is gone, and how he’s sorry for being a party pooper. He wants to change. A little late for christmas, Scrooge, but we’ll take it. He says we can’t celebrate the new Seth Rollins until he calls out his good friend, the Big Show. The crowd is anti-this, and I can’t say I disagree. Show comes down to the ring, and the WWE Universe is not amused. Rollins says there’s one more person he wants to bring out, and that’s John Cena, the Doctor of Thuganomics himself. Cena doesn’t seem interested in coming out though. Seth says he wants Cena to come out because he wants something from him, hoping this will spark curiosity. Cena still doesn’t come out. Rollins says if Cena won’t come out, he is forced to attack Christian, which he does. Edge shoves him back, but quickly finds himself surrounded. Big Show forces his head down onto the briefcase, and Rollins screams for Cena to come save his friend. Rollins even threatens to paralyze Edge, and this ends up creating a powerful moment. Cena runs down, but Rollins tells him to stop outside the ring.
He says Cena knows what he wants, and if he doesn’t give it to him he’ll turn Edge into a quadriplegic. Michael “Sherlock Holmes” Cole deduces that Rollins wants Cena to bring the Authority back. Rollins does a great job on the mic, and Cena does just as good of a job of selling the emotion of the moment. John stalls a bit before saying that he officially brings back the Authority, and no one is excited except for Seth Rollins.
Rollins goes to curbstomp Edge anyway, and Cena attacks. the numbers game quickly catches up to him, and Big Show takes him out with the KO punch. Rollins then curbstomps him. To end the show, Rollins shakes hands with Paul Heyman and poses atop the ramp. Triple H’s music hits, and the Authority comes out… yippee. I have mixed feelings about this final segment. It was perfectly done with beautiful emotion and great work from all involved. On the other hand, the Authority is back, and I can’t think of a single person who wanted that.
So, did it suck? Not at all. This was an incredibly entertaining show. It had its flaws. A number of the matches didn’t mean much, and the pacing was odd at times, but overall I was entertained and even got excited for the Royal Rumble.
MVP: Seth Rollins. He nailed it this week, showing he can really shine if given the opportunity.
The suckiest part: Nikki Bella. I am so tired of her plastic demeanor taking up way more TV time than it’s worth.
That’s it for this week friends! Make sure to tune in next week as we lead ourselves up to the Royal Rumble!
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